My mother-in-law cannot stay here anymore, I can't deal with it. What can I do? - AgingCare.com

My mother-in-law cannot stay here anymore, I can't deal with it. What can I do?

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My mother in law moved in with us 3 years ago, for the 7 years before that my husband lived with her, to help her financially and because she couldn't be by herself for a peroid longer than a few hours. She would have mini strokes. She did not prepare for her retirement, my husbands father walked out on her 20 years ago, because she was selfish . My husband and I have 3 grown children that she didn't really achknowledge when they was growing up. She also has another granddaughter by her other son, that all she did for that girl was praise her for everything she did, and gave and gave to her. Her other son is a Alcholoic so he is no help at all. Infact he has told her, he would rather not have anything to do with her ever again for some of the things she did to him. My hisbands sister is diseased from a Drug over dose. Anyway, 3 years ago, I said she needed to move here with us, I wasn't going to be without my husband anymore for his mom. So she moved in, she gets $749.00 per month, out of that she has to pay 189.00 per month for her supplemental insurance to her medicare. That leaves about 500.00 a month. She doesn't drive, she does nothing but sit. She is 75 years old. Her memory is going. About a year ago, my daughter came to me (Which she is 30 now) and asked me why we never did anything about her being molested when she was younger. Which took my husband and I by surprise we never knew. My daughter than told us that she had told her grandmother when it happened (My daughter was 9 at the time) . My husbands mother never said a word to us, and she told my daughter that, it was ok, she had been molested as well when she was little. The person that did this was my mother in laws nephew and this went on until my daughter was 12. Always when my daughter would go with her Grandmother to visit relatives in another city. So I confronted my mother in law about it, she said she didn't remember that. I then contacted another member of the family because my daughter had said she even called this other family member to come and get her on numerous occassions and they did, but my daughter never told them why she needed to be picked up. I asked my daughter why she didn't tell us and she said she told grandma and grandma said it was ok. So I was and still is pissed. Now I am at a point she has been here almost 3 years, has no money, no family left and I want her gone. She plays the poor pitiful me card, and she actually feels everyone owes her. She thinks her son should take care of her until the day she dies. I can't and will not continue this. It just kills me everytime I look at her, and with me knowing that she could have helped my daughter and choose not to, and yes this is her biological granddaughter. The granddaughter that she praised growing up hasn't spoken to her in 2 years. So I guess my question is, where can she go with no money except for Social Secuirty? She can't stay here anymore, I can't deal with it. My husband can't physically take care of her, he can't take care of himself, 3 back surgeries later due to his profession before he retired, So I am left with it all. The driving, the cleaning, the cooking EVERYTHING. My husband says he will support me with any thing that I decide to do. His mother was a only child with everything given to her, and this is what is left. Am I wrong to feel it is not my place to have to take care of her ? I need soe support and some suggestions, my 3 children tolerate her when they come over to see us, but want nothing to do with helping with her at all. What she choose not to do to help our daughter effected our other 2 children and the way they feel about her. What to do ???????????

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Well. Its a real sad story for sure.. I hear your righteous rage.. My Mom's heart goes out to you dear.. God has the fitting end for her actions.. As for your daughter. Support her beginning counseling (its never too late) So glad she came to you with this information-- even in the most horriffic of events there is always good that can come to those who diligently seek healing.. As for Mom-in-law, she needs Medicaid- and asap- Screening by Adult Social Services to be placed in either (Nursing Home, Group Home. or Assisted Living) They will determine that with the screening process. If your husband isnt supportive- be firm. and tell him he must! For you and his Daughter-- (You both come before his Mother) immediate family.. must have priority.. Im facing this now- with my Mom's needs coming before my Son.
In the mean time- Persuade your daughter to go to counseling- offer to go with her.. This could go a LONG way for healing between both of you- Because you didnt know (then) dosent change the fact you know (now) and its like it 'just happened' :-( So sorry-- Chin up.. This time and pain (WILL PASS) ...
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don't worry about forgiveness at this stage....that is to come later if ever. Now is the time to obtain medicaid, but I suspect the question is, once you get medicaid approval where do you plan to place her. I could be wrong but assisted living facllities do not normally accept medicare, nor do memory care places...that has been my experience here where i live in CA. Maybe a nursing home. It is not healthy to have a MIL living with you IMO particularly if there is not an in law unit or large home. Additionally, rather than being appreciative of what you have provided she continues to be self centered. What an angel your husband was for living with her and what an angel you were to put up with that arrangement.
This is a new day, new circumstances. Both require new decisions. I support you in whatever you end up doing. Keep posting and venting.
If there is a way to forgive, you can consider same later down the road. Instead of enlising the whole family for therapy at this time, you might want to start therapy with your daughter because she is the one that asked you the direct question " why didn't you do anything." A domestic violence agency in your area is likely to provide free or nearly free therapy for her as well as you. Please keep us posted.
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I am so, so very sorry for your daughter and your family. I agree with hadenough. It is time for your mil to move on. It can no longer be your responsibility. You and your husband have done so much and your family have gone through so much. Free yourself and your family and let her go. Good Luck.
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I see an opportunity here to empower the daughter who was molested and let her know that no, it was not okay that she was molested and no, it was not okay how her grandmother responded to it. Even with forgiveness, there are consequences to our actions. In this position, I would work with my daughter to get grandma out of the house in a way that does not further traumatize the daughter (guilt, shame).

It is not rare that girls are abused and the women who should protect them turn their backs when they learn the truth. Some women fear that anger will turn on them or that they will lose their source of income if the father is the molester. They take the easy road. Families may forgive when they are ready to, but there are still consequences -- in this case, losing the ability to share living in the house of parents whose child she betrayed. IMO, the faster she it out, the better.

Hugs to you and your daughter.
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(BTW, mthr did threaten to kill herself regularly if we did not do her bidding, and she left the gas (no burner lit) on every time she visited our house when we had little kids. She is evil, but in a different way than the OP's mother is evil.)
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My mthr is an abuser. It is not so easy to forgive as we hear from so many,"Just say that you forgive and pray." I tried that for 15 years! What really helped me was Tyler Perry's movie, Diary of a Mad Black Woman. In the end, the abused woman became in control. She forgave him, and walked away. It was SO POWERFUL.

I am not in your situation. However, I played it out over and over what I would do if that day came and my mthr needed constant care and had no money, which is what I expected. If mthr were living in my house, and I knew what you know, I would start the ball rolling TODAY to get her on medicaid.

Then when she suffers the slightest illness or injury, I would take her to the ER and get her admitted by telling them about how she has threatened to kill herself, how she is dangerous to the family leaving on the gas, etc. She is a danger to herself and needs a psych evaluation in addition to the medical need. They should admit at once and see what is going on in there. Now if your mother has not made these threats or left the gas on, you might not want to say that, but that is what I would have done with my mthr.

Once she is in the hospital, it is much easier to refuse to allow her to come live with you. Be strong. They will find a placement.
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I swear to God I don't know why you can't just drop them off in a hospital and walk away. There are people who are a waste of oxygen and I don't know why God allows them to live.

I hope you will consider counseling for the whole family, what she did was cause Trauma and it will need to be attended to. God Bless you and your daughter.
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I'm not even going to say anything about the molestation other than I don't know how you've restrained yourself from wringing her neck. Given her limited income, she definitely qualifies for Medicaid. Get that process rolling NOW if you haven't already. Once that is approved, talk to her primary physician & let him know she requires more care than you are willing to give her at this point, and ask if there is anything she can be admitted into the hospital for 3 days for (tests, procedures, etc.) that way she can go from the hospital and into an skilled nursing facility - from that point you can talk to the social workers & let them know she no longer has a home to go to and NEEDS to be placed into a long-term facility. I am sure there are other solutions, but I'm thinking this would be the fastest & most effective.
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Depending on the state you live in I would start getting her ready for becoming a state ward. If all she gets is social security medicaid should be able to help her with placement. Above all if for any reason she ends up being hospitalized you let the social worker know that she will not be coming home with you. It then becomes the hospitals problem to find her adequate placement. I hope this helps a little.
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How can you be so blind! This "Grandmother" was not ill at the time this crime occurred to her grandaughter!!! She had an obligation to her son and his wife to tell them that this happened!! I am so sick and tired of these people who say "thats ok, they were treated this way so it's alright"??!! What a load of BS! A crime, against a child, was commited and should have and would have been addressed if this "grandma" would have told the parents! And Just a little FYI, there is always something you CAN do!! So I am with the DIL on this one! Especially since her husband(the son), can no longer help with caring for her! Medicaid here we come...is what I'd say! The sooner the better......Good Luck!
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