My MIL becomes very angry at me cause I'm the one who put her in Assisted Living. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

My MIL becomes very angry at me cause I'm the one who put her in Assisted Living. Any advice?

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She is ALWAYS telling me that "I am just taking over." Mother-in-Law has Alzheimer's. Where she was once sweet and mild manner the Alz has made her VERY mean and hateful. Hazel is angry at my husband, Billy, (her son) and especially me after I "HELPED" put her in an Assisted Living because she could no longer live at home. She yells at us and tells me to "quit trying to treat her like a 2 year old" when I help her with anything. She tells me that "I am just trying to take over". After about 10 minutes of this I start to become angry. How do I control my temper and anger? Telling myself over and over that she can't help it doesn't work. HELP me please!!

DD

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I don't mean this to be a stupid question: why do you have to go? Can you not leave visits to your husband? - counselling him to keep them short and sweet, preferably. Surely the point of her being in AL is that you no longer have to worry that she won't be safe and well cared for; so what need is there for you to be the emotional punch bag?
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What are you supposidly trying to "take over?" Her vast financial empire? Her role as matriarch? What, exactly?
People with dementia aren't rational. You're doing your best to help her and she lashes out at you in anger and frustration because her mind isn't working properly.
My MIL once had a screaming meltdown because my husband and I told her that we DIDN'T want to put her in a nursing home. All she heard was "nursing home" (her hearing is fine; it's her brain that's out of whack.)
You could visit less often and let get used to being in AL, or you could just leave when she starts blaming you. Eventually, she'll settle down. Or not. Either way, it's not your fault, but trying to reason with her won't help.
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DDLikesCats, I wonder if you start agreeing with your Mother-in-Law if that would help you cope whenever she starts verbally lashing out. It's like reverse psychology.
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You two are getting the brunt of her anger, because you are closest to her. If she has ALZ, she isn't going to be able to be in assisted living, much longer. You are trying to be kind. We all try. It rarely works. Limit your visits and let the facility handle her. That is what they are there for.
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DD i know how you feel although mums still at home but i know ill be the one shell hate when the time for a home comes.

she calls me a bully? she tells my siblings im nasty to her and that im trying to control her? yes shes got mean as h*ll! i cant handle her moods anymore and NONE but me sees this side of her. I am hoping my sister will get to see her nasty side next week as im away but it never happens like that shes always a different person when family are around but i hope after a week she will see this?

So sorry for you as i can imagine how hard this is for you!
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There's not much you can do apart from demonstrating your love for her.

When my middle son was three, he took a bottle of junior aspirin from my pocket and later told me he had eaten them all.

I made an emetic from salt and water and made him drink iot. I felt like a brute. Eventually, the salt worked and he sprayed the bathroom with little orange pills.

A few days later when he was playing at my feet, he stopped, looked into my face and said an a voice I shall always remember, "You made me sick, didn't you!" His facer was a picture.

Sometimes we have to do what is necessary. Coping with the guilt we either feel or are made to feel is a life skill that has to be practiced.

Just roll with the blows. :)
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How long has she been in AL??? You can try not visiting as often and giving her time to acclimate..... and when she says she can do it herself... let her..... it may take her ten times longer or she may not complete the task, but let her do it...... and if she has Alz/dementia, she will eventually forget.... sad, but true..... wishing you the best.....
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