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I am a somewhat newly wed to my husband of 11 months. So far our marriage has been wonderful. He's active duty and we recently found out I am pregnant. There have been some complications which have kept me from working. Mind you, I have every intention of going back to work after I recover from pregnancy. Recently, his mother has taken a fall and cannot care for herself. At 60 years old, she has a history of epilepsy and stroke (among other health conditions). This keeps her from using one side of her body. She has been on disability for years and offered to go to assisted living (but refused). With her recent fall, it has been impossible for her to care for herself. She barely could before. Meanwhile, we are states apart, and cannot be there to take care of her. We can't sign anything for her. We can't oversee much, but we help out financially where we can. When my husband was recently near his family's town (for 2 months training) the family agreed that my husband's mother needed assisted living. His mother also agreed that at some point she would as well. What a milestone! We were happy she finally understood she needed help. Within a week, the grandmother (husband's mother's mother) had picked out an assisted care facility, did not consult my husband, myself or even her daughter (my husband's mother) about the expenses. It was the best (and most expensive) the area had to offer (and that's why she chose it). Instead of waiting for Medicaid and Medicare to kick in to cover the expenses (husband's mother is on a waiting list), the grandmother and sister of my husband's mother signed her over to a room at this place and she was moved in quickly. This all happened within a week. My husband and I were confused by this. None the less, we agreed to pay $1200 for the first month, and only the first month, to cover half of the expenses. This came out of our savings. Meanwhile, we were left confused as to why this decision was made so quickly. Usually assistance takes time to set in. My husband's grandmother (his mother's mother) is still able minded and able bodied, but meanwhile expects us (newly married, baby on the way, student loans, and moved twice in one year) to pay help pay for half of these expenses. The total expense of the facility is 2000 dollars a month and we are expected to pay for 1000 of that. It's something we did not sign for and have no way to pay for regardless. We have no legal contract with the facility. Meanwhile, my husband has an older sister (also states away) that's helping out where she can, but also cannot afford the amount. The mother's side of the family doesn't ask her for her money, because they know she doesn't have it. My husband has long taken care of his mother where he can, being active duty, but he simply cannot be there. He may have had more money to spend freely while single but can no longer do this as a husband and soon to be father. His mother's side of the family places expectations on him that can no longer be met. Meanwhile, we were waiting to make our pregnancy a surprise for everyone. The plan was to wait until he returned home with me and we would call everyone with the good news. Unfortunately, my husband and I agreed to reveal this to his mother's side of the family about the pregnancy. This was in order to explain why we couldn't pay that 1000 dollars a month. Naturally, my husband's mother was delighted, however the grandmother didn't congratulate us and stated that "babies/children are not that expensive!" The grandmother tried to guilt trip my husband, threw things at him, and tried to slap him, when he would not agree to pay for something he did not sign for or conditions that were not agreed to. I, my husband, and the rest of our family (on both sides) feel the grandmother is trying to take advantage of us (specifically my husband) for something that was done in haste and without anyone's consideration. She signed the contract and it is now her responsibility. Meanwhile, the grandmother, and my husband's mother's siblings are upper middle class (with summer homes) and live close by. Although I do not know what bills they have to pay, they're not starting out in life with a new marriage and babies on the way. However, we are still expected (as a one income family) to foot the bill. And we refuse. I understand his grandmother is elderly and desperate to get help for her daughter, but doing things in haste and expecting others pay with a baby on the way is thoughtless. My husband is upset that I was not even considered in this decision making and his grandmother does not care about our family. Meanwhile his mother does not expect us to pay for a place she doesn't even want to be in. At this point in time, my husband and I have decided to make visits to his mother's side of the family short (only with this mother) for the lack of concern for our child, finances, and marriage. What a mess.

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You and your husband are absolutely right!

Grandma can foot the bill herself since she didn't bother to consult or ask anyone to help her.

I feel bad for his poor mom. It sounds like she's caught in the middle.
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"I'm sorry, we cannot afford this." No other explanation is necessary. Repeat this statement as often as necessary.
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Yup, no need to feel guilty. This is called "boundaries". It is good to set them early in your marriage.
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Thanks everyone.

I appreciate the support.

I also want to mention that this is a common theme with the grandmother. Whenever we could afford to visit, she would ask my husband last minute to help her with something in regard to his mother.

The last time we visited, it was week's worth of time. The last day we were there, it was midday, and the grandmother asked us to help clean up his mother's apartment because inspection was coming up.

She was a hoarder and the place was wreck on top of her not being able to walk around well on her own.

Meanwhile, this was something the grandmother and her siblings could have helped out with months ago.

They wait until my husband gets there to do these last minute things.

The mother was so upset, she cried the last day.

Part of the frustration was the difficulty of the mother admitting she needed help and the grandmother not asking for help from the family and community.

There is help out there and cheaper means of doing things, but the grandmother will not have it.
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Hi Frustrated (and I see what an appropriate name you chose!). Yes, what a mess! But it isn't one that YOU created, nor one you should feel guilty about not being able to clean up. One approach might be to formulate a thoughtful well written letter and send it to the appropriate folks --- certainly hubby's mother and grandmother. NO Guilt, just a clear, thanks but no thanks, we can't help with this ongoing VERY expensive choice. Since you are currently at home (and if you even want to do this) you might present the alternative of making calls to identify a less expensive option; research medicaid rules or things that you can do with a phone in your hand. Some folks are SO-o very clueless about choosing care places and the need for (YOU) to plan for the future. At your stage of life, I'm impressed that you were able/willing to come up with the $1200.
Recently, a family member was heading towards permanent long term care in a SNF. The adult daughters contacted me and asked for direction. One think I told them was NOT to sign anything ---They touted that they were going to pay for it! I told them SNFs in our area ran $12,000/month and they almost had heart failure! I suggested they put anything they were willing to help with in a separate account under their name and it would then be available to their mom at a later date. The Dad passed away before entering a SNF so it became a moot point. Feel VERY fortunate that you weren't in the area to sign anything. Drop the guilt Grandma made a HUGE mistake and the solution will be to move her daughter to a more affordable place AND to apply for medicaid. Let us know how this all works out.
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You have no obligation to pay for something of which you had no part in making a decision. And that's the critical issue - you're not legally obligated (unless the state in which your MIL lives initiates a filial obligation action).

GM can't make decisions and impose consequences of payment on others, especially when those others were consulted. This should have been a family decision, or GM and the one family member who was part of the decision should accept responsibility themselves and not impose on any others in the family.

I'm wondering if GM is a domineering woman, regardless of this incident, and expects the family to "tow the line" when she makes a decision. I have the impression she dominates her daughter (your MIL?) and controls her life.

Stand your ground, advise GM if you have to that you weren't a party to the decision and can't afford to contribute to HER choice of facilities. Expect to be chastised if not criticized if not other action as she learns that she's not the decision maker for the rest of the family.
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GM is a bully - I'm glad you and your husband are learning how to set boundaries.
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I’m pleased you and your husband are presenting a strong united front.
For extended family to expect $1K monthly from a newlywed & newly expecting couple is just wrong.
You should stick to planning for your impending addition & stand your ground. This should be a Happy Time for you & husband right now.
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Wow! Your husband has a strong back bone! He defended you both against his own grandma. He's a real man. Do make sure he knows that. Some guys would just roll over and let their mom/dad/relatives walk all over them and their families. But you picked a good strong guy to marry. 

Now, just be firm and don't waiver. You are in the right.

Congratulations on your soon to come baby. Enjoy your pregnancy. It will only last a few more months. Once it's over, you probably will miss the baby kicking in your stomach.
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Frustrated808, Is there a DPOA or POA in your family? If not, maybe MI should appoint someone. Since your husband has such a good head on his shoulders even though you are far away he could be and then able to make decisions on her behalf. Does this NH accept Medicaid? If so, someone should talk to the social worker in the facility. They can help you through the process of getting Medicaid for MI. You would then be assigned a caseworker from Jobs and Family Services of Medicaid to guide you through the process. Seeing a Elder Law Attorney would be helpful as well. With all this being said, speaking with the SW at NH would give you better idea what to do next. I don't think family members should have to pay for MI care. Her care cost goes by her assets. You and your husband should not have to pay anything! I hope this helps you. You do not need additional stress during your pregnancy and this new beginning of your lives! P.S., If the chosen NH is that expensive, maybe she should be moved to more affordable one that accepts Medicaid. Hope you let us know how this turns out. Prayers for you and your family.
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Assisted Living does not accept Medicare...as they are private pay. You said she was on SSI disability so she does have some income. That should be put towards her expenses. But I agree that you are under no obligation and sticking to your boundaries are critical. No one can manipulate you unless you allow it. Get the book titled "Learning to Love Difficult Parents" by PAUL Chavetz, PhD. He’s a psychologist whose practice centers on this issue. It is so helpful and valuable. Thin book, fast read and full of gems. On Amazon.
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Tell her - she signed her in, she signed the papers - she can also foot the bill.

Don't be 'guilted' into something you had no part of.
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Some assisted livings do accept Medicare, or maybe it should be more appropriate to say the Medicare will pay for some assisted livings; it depends on their model, if they're medical or, as in my dad's state, social, in which case, no, Medicare won't; they are only self-pay
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I think you do need to find out if she's in a state that has the filial obligation law. And what was she on a waiting list for - a particular assisted living? Medicare? which would only apply if that were the case or Medicaid? which, if she's already on SSI, she should already be on anyway, unless this is relatively new, or is that the waiting list? - there is a waiting period. Was this right after the fall? so that she truly could not take care of herself? was she hurt in the fall, as in did she have to be hospitalized at all? If you were there and could sign, what would you sign for? and how could her mother and sister sign? I thought the person themselves had to sign for themselves, unless they couldn't.
Meanwhile it sounds like your husband's situation is somewhat like mine; his family got used to him being single and having no other obligations than to take care of whatever they wanted; mine was the last of his family to marry and somewhat later than anybody else, so they got used to that as well, although we didn't have quite the same situation but sounds like they feel/subscribe to the theory the filial laws are based on, that it's the children's responsibility to take care of their parents. But, as others have said, I'm proud of your husband! I, too, understand her desperation and I'm so glad we didn't have that situation; hub's paternal grandmother actually passed away the week of our marriage, but she's the one who had long been taken care of by her daughter in her daughter's home anyway; his mom did take care of her mom in her - his moms', not grandmother's - home as well but she did place her but she didn't have anything except possibly social security either, but we only have about one place where we live anyway; she now has life estate on her property. I keep reading this somewhat wrong in that your husband's upset that he wasn't considered but I actually read it as upset that you weren't considered; not sure bothered, in that sense, I'd be over that, sounds pretty typical there; can't imagine that I would/will be considered in anything regarding my hub's mother - I'm not now, even though we'll possibly be affected, but that's fine; that's now their responsibility but his, like your hubs and sounds like he's doing a good job of it. I'm just glad his mom's not expecting it out of you, though, granted, maybe she doesn't understand her own situation, really, part of why asked if she'd been hospitalized; this is more like my dil's situation; her mom, when she and son got married, was paralyzed on one side as well and could not take care of herself, either, and had been on disability for years, too, but as I understand her parents had responsibility over her, so maybe like your mil; at least my understanding they're the ones who signed her into a nursing home, a SNF, yes, not assisted living, which that's what's been referred to here by others, which am somewhat wondering because somewhat surprised if would be eligible for AL with her physical situation but they're all different in different places and for the price does sound more like AL but , maybe be glad on $1200 not $120,000 but with the social, not medical model in her state she wouldn't have been for sure but she didn't want to be there, either, so what does she want to do? can I ask, did her place pass inspection? How far back does the history of her health conditions go? Dil's mom's had only gone back or maybe not "only" about 4 yrs., when they got married, but since they were both young, they were both still in school when it happened, so she was taken to her parents then.
I think it would be a good idea to talk to the SW at the assisted living, if they will. They could, pretty sure, for starters at least, tell you the filial obligation law, as in if her state has that, so you know for sure where you stand there, unless, and if they would tell you, if his grandmother does have responsibility over mil to have been able to have signed her in, possibly even to tell them that even though she did, she doesn't plan on paying or will she if you won't? but if she won't, what would happen then; this could have been her plan all along, with possibly knowing, at least if it were an SNF, that they would then take up the slack if family won't to have her made a ward of the state; would you be willing to go that far? might be what is meant by what someone saying other action - or maybe inaction - that grandma might would take if you don't do what she's demanding. Or would that be what would cause him to want to be POA and his mom to give it to him and then what? Would definitely need to find out for sure, then, if they accept Medicaid. Her care cost would only go by her assets and income if they do and if she's already on a waiting list/period for that, she should already have a caseworker through them that you could possibly find out if gma's on her case with but, yes, she might have to be moved; is that something you'd want to be involved with?
yes, please let us know
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Put your foot down NOW. You are not responsible financially for this woman's assisted living. Just say "no."
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Bravo to you and your husband for standing up for yourselves and for setting boundries! You have no obligation (filial?...really?) that I know of to pay for his mother's care. I cannot imagine how, on a serviceman's pay you could possibly afford it anyway...especially with a baby on the way! Gma was wrong in asking/demanding that you pay half...sounds like she made a hasty decision and is now realizing that SHE is on the hook....Keep that strong united front and don't back down. As for filial obligation...I didn't even know that was an option...what state has that? Good luck, be strong and be prepared for a load of crap to be thrown at you by GMA. Blessings to you all, Lindaz
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First off thank your husband & you for his service. I'm glad he is strong & stand your ground Do not pay. Someone mentioned durable power of attorney. Just don't jump into that unless you need to for your mom if there is no one else. You can only assist they still make the decisions & with husband deployed he really can't be thinking of that while defending our country. It could fall on you if you became it and it's work,I do that for my mom so I know she is 92 in skilled nursing. I live out of state from my mom & I wish I didn't have to do it. Take care of yourself & congrats on baby. Things will work out just don't let family bully you & upset you.
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YOU do not and should not pay for anything. Not to mention that you've got a little one on the way, it's not your responsibility fo pay for her needs.
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Filial laws do not apply if you have no money. Please avoid becoming MIL POA, Gma will do her best to make your life miserable. She has shown her true colors, believe her.

Thank you and thank your husband - I live in a free country because good folks like you two sacrifice so much for the rest of us.

Congratulations on your baby, what a wonderful time in your lives, please don't let gma drama wreck it for you, go no contact if you have to and let her reap what she has sown.

Ps: come back and tell us how the new one is. Birth is such a joy and I'm sure everyone here is praying that you have an easy time and much joy. Hugs 2 u for all u do.
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I never knew there were any such things as filial laws (although I did harp on my brothers that we might be held responsible if something happened to her and we had not been 'diligent' enough to ensure her welfare - she was living alone and developed dementia.) The various comments about this got me curious. The following is short and sweet and fairly informative and includes the states that have such laws (but each state will have its own rules, so you'll need to research further if you or LO lives in one of these states):

medicalalertadvice.com/articles/does-state-law-require-you-to-support-you-aging-parent/
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No state requires children to pay more than they can afford to support their parents, even if they have filial laws. $1,000 a month from a young couple expecting their first child and paying student loans? I don't think so!

Just don't worry about that angle until and unless it comes up (not likely). If it does, get a lawyer.

Meanwhile, the grandma is entitled to expect anything she wants. Doesn't mean others have to make it possible. I could tell my children that I expect them to take me out twice a week for dinner, at a very nice restaurant. After all, I sure made them a lot of fancy meals! Would I get taken to a nice restaurant twice a week? Ha ha ha. Again I could expect that now that I'm widowed I should be included in all their vacation plans. Again, that would be good for a laugh.

Your hubby's grandmother can expect anything she can dream up. That puts absolutely no obligations on you!

Does the nice ALF gm has selected accept Medicaid? Do they require a certain length of self-pay first? Has she started the Medicaid application process? None of this is your problem, of course. Just a caution that there may be more demands ahead. Stay firm!
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You might want to consult with an Elder Care attorney regarding what obligations you have, if any (especially if you live in one of those states listed.) One thing many advise is not to sign for something like this (which you did not do), as it puts the obligation on you - since GMA and MILs sister signed, they are legally responsible for the costs, in my understanding. Trying to guilt you into paying is just wrong! You could offer to research what other services/benefits MIL might qualify for - this would only take your time, not money. Using your time and expertise in researching might help them financially without taking any of your income.

Based on the web page link I posted above, potentially they could sue you to contribute a share if you live in one of the states listed, but unless/until they do, I would not pay for 1/2 the cost. The page also indicates that given what your expenses are, they can waiver any contribution so as not to impoverish you - from what you have provided, I do not see how you would not get that waiver. GMA would have to waste more money on hiring an attorney to accomplish this, but I suspect she would not even know this exists - she is just trying to guilt you into paying for mom. Visits and gifts of things MIL might need would be about the most I would contribute. These laws would not really come into play unless someone 1) knows about them and 2) takes the steps needed to invoke them.

If Medicare and/or Medicaid are being considered, do they "back pay" to cover any of the initial costs during the approval process? There are many factors to take into account for these benefits, but if they do pay for the initial costs incurred before approval, would you ever see your share?

Was FIL in the military? If so, she might qualify for VA benefits too. Rather than guilt and impoverish the family, they should focus first on getting ALL benefits mom might qualify for! If her SS is low enough, there is supplemental SS that she might qualify for.

My only other thought is WOW - what state are they in that the "best" and "most expensive" place is about $2k? Granted our mother is in MC, which is more expensive, and it is private pay, so Medicaid would never chip in, but still, we'd be delighted (as GMA should be) that this is all they are paying! I read other threads in which people have mentioned $12 and $14k per month! If this one only costs $2k/month AND is the "best", then GMA got herself a bargain!!! GMA is also way out of line saying that babies are not that expensive. Maybe back in her day, but that has not been true for a very long time! On top of that, you do not know what the future holds for any of you. With only one income, many expenses, and baby on the way, you need to focus on your own family.

GMA should also look into tax deductions - does she claim MIL as a dependent? If not, why not? If you contribute a certain amount for someone's care, they CAN be claimed (MIL taxes would have to be changed as she would fall under dependent then), and the cost of at least the medical portion of AL can be claimed as a deduction. I am currently waiting for the results of the tax paperwork for mom (having this done professionally at least this year, to ensure we get the deductions right!), but expect all of the cost to be deductible in her case. She is "self-paying" in that we manage her finances, and feed in extra income from a small trust we set up, so this all gets filed on her tax return. I found out that I currently live in one of those states and lived in another which also has those laws. There is NO WAY I could afford to pay for where she is living! I can barely afford my own place! Thankfully we (mostly I) took over her finances during the earlier onset of dementia and I got assigned as representative payee for her pension and SS, and also set up this trust to protect her assets (mostly from her) so that she COULD afford a nice place!
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