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I have unlimited opportunities for employment back at my home 3000 miles away...my mother needs help according to friends and family here on the East coast, but she will not admit it. Therefore, in her mind, I am probably seen as leaching off of her in my efforts to help her. I can return to the West coast and allow her to fall again (July 2015, emergency surgery, 12 weeks in rehab; my father with advanced cancer, his health in serious decline, I returned from West coast after only being there about 8 weeks after spending 9 months here on East coast nursing my mom back from death after emergency surgery, hospice for cancer; and a long physical rehab). In other words, I have been here on East coast caring for both mother and father who has since passed, and all I get for doing so from my mother is yelling and abuse about not having a job, being worthless, ugly, filled with hate (which is a projection of how she feels-- I take antidepressants for my depression and anxiety; she has undiagnosed depression and serious anxiety all her life but refuses to admit it.) mY mother's undiagnosed mental health has destroyed our family. My father and brother have both passed on. My mother wants to outlive me and she just might do so. My health issues are a lot worse after being here. (I always suspected that if and when I returned 'home', I would die...due to the extreme depression and anxiety I grew up with-- without the benefit of medication-- due to my mother's abusive behaviour. My mother does not want help. She is in denial about needing help. She has money but last month abruptly and randomly capriciously cut me off of any money whatsoever. She refused to help me with my health insurance premium of $50, yelling and screaming all the while that I was not wanted or needed here, to 'get a job', etc. I have applied to about 30 jobs in the past month, to no avail in small town southeast depressed economy where everyone needs a job. I have a home back West.

What can I do?

There is a vacation home she owns where I could get work, and possibly save enough money to get me home to the West coast, but I fear her reaction when and if I make the move to do as she demands and 'get a job' and 'get out!'d

I am beside myself with anxiety and fear due to all of the abuse I have lived with since my father passed.

Please help me with any suggestions you have regarding my situation.

I have been used by my parents for the past two years as a caregiver so that my father could pass away at home and now my mother denies she needs my help and wants me to leave. Friends and family tell me to not leave her alone.

She will refuse help from anyone, I am sure.

What am I to do?

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Why can't you walk out? Are you her guardian? PoA? In your shoes, I think I'd call APS and tell them that I have to leave and that she's a vulnerable adult.
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pICARDY AND Babalou, all good sentiments, but things are not that simple. I donned my face mask over thirty years ago when I moved 3000 miles away from my home and learned what it takes to survive. Babalou: standing back means, unless I am mistaken, a long legal battle proving my mother incompetent. can't afford it, financially or emotionally.
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Hands on caregiving for a mentally ill, abusive parent is dangerous and ill- advised. Step back and let the professionals take over. If you chose, you can help and advise from afar.
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Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. That's the only way you'll be able to help anyone.
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You can help protect her but not be in the immediate arena for her to take you down with her. You can help her from out west. Contact the Area Agency on Aging in your area and let them do an assessment. Get her help from afar.

Does she have the right, with her undiagnosed and treated mental illness (per your conclusion) to destroy your life too? Why do you put no value on your own mental health and happiness? Is her life worth everything and yours nothing?

She has other resources, you don't have to be the one to save her. You need some counseling so you're not her next enabler, like you say your father was. Those patterns run very strongly in families and it takes a lot of work to break them. You need some professional counseling to help you understand how you can honor your mom but live your own life too. The two are not mutually exclusive.
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She is abusive because she is mentally ill. I feel sorry for her when I am not angry at being abused. The abuse is always my fault: I 'made her' lose her temper. My father enabled her for 60-plus years-- protected her from 'reality', by putting up with abuse and horrible treatment. She is old and not in great health. Apparently, I am the adult in this situation, so doesn't this mean that I should learn to deal with it and protect her from herself so that I do not have to live with guilt for abandoning her for the rest of my life?
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Get going! Even living in a shelter temporarily would be better than what you are experiencing at "home".
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Excellent advice from blannie; LIVE YOUR LIFE! Seems like if your Mother is lucid enough to be abusive, she can take care of her help. Don't give her another minute of your time. She doesn't deserve your kindness and support. She'll figure it out w/o you. Enough is enough. Horrible description of your situation. The meanness is deplorable! Move on, indeed. Best of luck going forward. ~
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Go back west and don't look back! You've allowed your mom to abuse you enough. It's time to take control of your life and your own health and happiness. Leave your mom to the "friends and family" who are telling you to stay. Let them put their money where their mouths are. Good luck to you and please let us know how you're doing. As fellow caregivers, we understand and we're rooting for you!
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What family is there that wants you to stay? Cousins, aunts and uncles? If they are near enough to know she needs help then they are near enough to be that help... perhaps their encouraging you to stay is saving them from that possibility?? It is certainly saving her from having to face reality.

She abuses you financially, verbally and emotionally. Go. If she won't allow or accept your help then you are just spinning your wheels there and in the process destroying your own physical and financial health.
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