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Hello, my mom was recently moved to an assisted living facility. Our family has had a lot going on in the last few months. My Dad passed away unexpectedly in August, she fell and broke her hip in Sept, she was in a rehab facility, did well with her therapy. During her recovery time, we set up an assisted living place for her and moved her to there afterwards. She has been there for 6 weeks, as nice as it is, it is not her home. She is a vibrant lady, who although we see memory issues, she is far far from being that bad. She has never been diagnosed professionally with dementia. She has had a lot of shock of course in the last few months, Dad passing, her breaking the hip, the anesthesia really affected her, she was really out there with her personality for a few weeks, but it subsided after that. Now here is the bad part. We were able to convince her that this AL facility was a step down for her and she seemed to agree with it. Since then her PT that she was receiving at the AL has subsided. The PT has contacted me numerous times that she has met all goals and is doing well,still on a walker, but doing well, will be using a walker for who knows how long. She thinks she is going HOME and is ready to go. She brings it up each time we speak, I live out of state, but can go frequently, and do. I am the POA and have been doing all or most of the business end of the dealings with bills, business affairs, etc. I am so confused, since I see her point totally that she needs to stay, and then I for sure see the point that she wants to go home, her home of 45 years. My parents took great care of their home, and it is small enough and one story, so she could get around pretty easy. Mom is very very independent and is starting to get very anxious being there at the facility, nice enough of course, but... not very much interaction with the residents, they eat, and then go back to their rooms, she is bored out of her mind, and tells me so constantly. I have a family member who thinks that this is the place for her and she needs to stay, again, I am not saying that this isn't true, but we are keeping it from her, she thinks that Medicare is paying the monthly cost, they are not, she is. She is very frugal and always has been, she would be very upset at us. I would love to give her a try at home. She would definitely have stipulations.. no driving, a home health coming a few hours each day, life alert, and a housekeeper. Mom is picky and her house would bother her if it wasn't just right in her mind. She has many friends and neighbors, who would check in on her, not daily of course, but I know we could count on a few to do so. She has a little cat that she loves, and I am keeping her, she asks about the cat, and can't wait to go home to her. I want to take her home, and in my opinion, she should be given a chance. She isn't rich by any means and her money will run in 5-6 years at the rate she is going. This facility is expensive and I see it would be better to take the money when we need it if she gets worse. She will be 80 next month. Longevity is in her family, so who knows how long she will live. She needs to know and I hate to lie to her, the other family members think it is fine to just continue to tell her that she is paying for it, I need to confront my siblings and put a stop to this. She deserves better. thanks

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I am in similar situation and kept mom at home as long as I could. My mom extremely paranoid and over years and it was difficult to keep help and family members pushed or fade away when that behavior is exhibited. I just moved mom in Assisted living. It is very nice, but yes very expensive. If your mom will accept help at home, agree not to drive, etc., it may be worth looking into if she feels safe there and her mind still well enough.

My husband and I also caring for my brother, who is a stroke survivor. My mother will have nothing to do with my husband. Over time, it just wasn’t working.

I agree with response below. Do your homework regarding Medicaid for your state. You need to plan carefully in event she outlives her savings.
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Reply to Angela555
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TN2019 Dec 2, 2019
I agree, so much has happened to my Mom in such a short period of time. I also agree that many will fade away, since I do not live there, but can stay and go as much as I need, (2 hours) I will. I hate when she talks to me that she can't wait to go home, her home would be easily fitted for a walker. I do need to have the talk with my siblings and at least try to let them see it both ways. Unfortunately, Medicaid will not pick up in the state she lives in. thanks!
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So, TN, you've posted this question before and gotten a lot of feedback.

My question is this; you are at a distance and you are POA. You visit mom.

How long are you there with mom? For a full day? Or for a couple of hours during daylight hours? How much care and reassurance does mom need over the course of 24 hours? Is she safe and feeling secure overnight in her home? Does she "sundown"?

Say you get her home with a couple hours of aides a day and a housekeeper once a week. Will she be calling neighbors and family in the middle of the night?

(This is what my mom did and no, she didn't have a dx of dementia at the time, she was "just" horribly anxious). Can you go into this "going home" with Plan B in mind?

Does she forget to use her walker, or think that it's unnecessary?

Does mom need Assisted Living or would Independent Living be enough of a support (this is what we found with my mom; she just needed there to be staff around 24/7, not "care", just knowing that she could walk out into the hallway and see someone she trusted was enough).

Have you had a "needs assessment" by an independent (not someone from the AL) agent, like the local Area Agency on Aging, or an Occupational Therapist, whose services can be ordered by her doctor?

I think that you are seeing this situation in black and white, when in reality, it has many shades of grey.

And as to money--if you do decide to place mom long term, you MUST make sure that it is a place that will accept her as a Medicaid long term care client after a certain number of years of private pay. That is no possible in all states, but DO look at Medicaid qualifications in her state.

A consultation with a certified Eldercare attorney in your state is something you should strongly consider.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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TN2019 Dec 2, 2019
Hi! I appreciate all your advice. Mom does use her walker, and "promises" she has learned her lesson. I have had an occupational therapist assess her a few weeks ago, and she thought Mom would do okay in her home, with some help during the morning and early evening. I want to give her a chance, it is hard keeping this from her that she is paying for this. Medicaid will not pick up when she does run out of money if she is still living. Mom is doing well in all honesty, she has had a lot of shock in the last few months, as we all have, the stress level in all of us surely affects this situation. I see it as all care for her of course, I am her only daughter, and we have a close relationship, always have. I feel that I have to really give this a shot or I will never forgive myself. I am going to set up a consultation with an eldercare attorney that I was told about. I do appreciate all your advice. thank you.
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Talk to her PCP. Her therapy reports should have gone to him. See what he thinks.

Then have someone from maybe Office of Aging go into Moms house and see what needs to be done to make it safe for her.

Then "lay down the law" to Mom.😊 If she needs to use a walker, she must to keep from falling again and ended up where she is. If driving is a problem, then tell her for now she can't drive. Remove all keys and park the car somewhere else other than her house.

Office of Aging should be able to tell u what resources are in your area to help keep Mom independent.

When the elderly go under, it can take a while for the anethesia to work its way out of the body. Mom may recoup better at home. You can try it, and tell her that. Tell her ur looking out for her safety.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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TN2019 Dec 2, 2019
thanks for your responses She does well with her walker, Mom is pretty hard headed, and that is the issue, when I hear her say she can't wait to go home, it is heartbreaking. I have spoken with occupational therapists at her rehab facility she was in before the AL and they think she would be okay with some help. I am going to look into it more this week, we have to do something and soon if we are to take her home. Luckily the facility she is in doesn't make you sign a contract, we pay month to month. thanks!
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