What do I do when my mother has outlived all her assets and does not have money for her own funeral?

So sorry, Essie Marie, that your parents didn't plan ahead for the future and that you are now "stuck" with this decision. We all want to do for our parents what is the "norm" or "wanted" decision that they would have made. However, when they (or you) don't have the money with which to provide that wanted burial, there is really nothing that you can do but to spend the least amount that you can for their burial. So I ask......have you thought about donating her body to research? There are hospitals etc. that are willing to use the cadaver for teaching experiences. This may sound very morbid to you, but, then, at the same time, these hospitals cremate the body with all respect and give you the ashes. The cost to you, from what I understand, is nothing or minimal. And while the idea of doing this seems like a desecration, it is also a teaching moment for those students who may, one day, save a life because of what they learned from your mother. Please consider it and don't put yourself in a position of being financially burdened because of Mom's passing. And, it would be wise to take care of this decision BEFORE Mom passes. It is a positive way to take care of everyone or thing involved, especially if you are not around to make this decision at the time.

It's tough, I know. But think about it and may God grant you peace with your decision.

The only reason my cousin rented a casket before cremation was because he was doing a wake for her. He had her ashes placed in an urn after cremation.

When my brother was cremated we did not purchase a casket.

My uncle worked at the post office after retiring from the army. He wasn’t the type to ‘retire’ and enjoyed being busy. He told us a story about a person that shipped ashes back home after cremation.

The recipient opened the box in the post office instead of waiting to open when they got home. She accidentally dropped the urn and ashes went all over. It was a busy time of day and people were stepping in the ashes.

My uncle said she started crying. They asked everyone to step aside and the maintenance person swept up the remainder and put in a box for her to transfer to a new urn. Accidents happen.

It may be a state law but you do need a coffin with cremation. We had to get one for my stepfather.
There is the option of having a private cremation then interment privately. But be careful with extra charges, make sure you see an itemized list and what you MUST do. I don’t know what she wants but you can do it nicely for much less than that

Then I’d go with the free one at Veterans cemetery. That seems to make the most sense. If she had the $8,000, then I’d say pre plan, but that doesn’t seem to be an option.
Unless you can do preplan & not pay it all at once? Perhaps a little bit at a time? Also, graveside is less expensive. Anyway, the Veterans burial plot seems like the best decision.
Hugs🤗

My suggestion to you would be to meet with a funeral director. I did this for my parents. Once they expressed their choices to determine the "bottom line" we started to work toward that goal. They each had a small life insurance policy; I believe one was valued at $3500 and the other valued at $9000. They met with the agent from the insurance company to sign the policies over to the funeral home in a way that keeps the policy in each of their name, but prevents them from using the policy as collateral (asset). This was done to comply with Medicaid rules. After that, they paid a small amount each month. This amount could be as little as $25-$50. If you come into a little unexpected money like you sell her car (if she has one) or some other belonging, put that lump sum into the funeral account. You're right. You don't have a crystal ball to know how long she will live, but she will know that you have done everything possible to honor her wishes. When the time comes that she passes, you will sit down with the funeral director to determine what can be done with the budget at hand.

Nonni2012eli said:

"I have asked to be cremated, but if my kiddos somehow get enough money together to put me in a fancy casket with satin lining and get the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to sing, I'm not going to sit up in that casket and scold them, even though it goes against my dying wish! My skin and bones don't have feelings, and after death - once I cross over, neither will I (my soul, my identity, my PERSON)."

This post got good laughs from me!!! Getting the Choir was the first chuckle, then reading how you are not going to sit up and scold them, ahahahaha....

Well, maybe you won't scold them, but perhaps you could just haunt them a little now and then...

Thanks for the laughs!

I agree with Countrymouse who said "As far as discussions with your mother are concerned, you don't have to lie; just reassure her that everything will be decently and properly done."

Not to worry mom, I have it covered. While it may guilt you because you know it won't be what she is asking for, you are aware that there is no way to fund a lavish funeral. Given your mother's age, how many close family and friends are still around/capable to attend a big wake/funeral/burial? You should try NOT to harbor any guilt. You are doing the best you can. You are also caring for the living NOW, you should not have to worry and feel guilt after the fact.

Currently I have no plans for any kind of service or memorial for mom. She is the last of her generation and most friends are gone or too invalid/remote to join us. It leaves me, two brothers, several grandchildren and various cousins of my generation - even some of those have since passed. We all haven't seen each other in ages! Mom is 96 with dementia in MC, so who will be attending anything for her? Also, the one thing she always used to say was 'If anyone can't come to see me when I am living, don't bother when I am dead!' We often don't see eye to eye, but I am in full agreement with her on this!

You said: "Thank you so very much. I'm now thinking cremation and a memorial service will be reality."
and
"She does have a free burial plot on top of my father's grave at the veteran's cemetery."

Make plans for this and just reassure mom you have it all taken care of. With dementia, she will likely forget and bring it up again and again. Perhaps you could make up a folder with literature and all the trappings/pix showing what a nice funeral she will have. Then she can look through it when the topic comes up and be satisfied for a while!

You might need to consult with the military service who handles the cemetery to find out what the process is. It would be better to know now than at the last minute and have to scramble to get the details at that time along with handling your grief.

For our dad, the FH took care of everything, but the parents had some prepaid (mom was billed for the rest.) She has an account with them, hopefully it is all covered at this point - cremation and internment with dad.

Shop around for cremation places, find the one(s) with the best prices and perhaps search online for caskets/urns too (I believe one has to be in a casket to be cremated, but don't know for a fact on that! Hmmm, where does one store that if you pre-order it? Or do you just "window shop" and order it when the time comes?)

Once you have a ballpark figure, save towards that. Depending on when she passes, there could be increases, but you should be close! If there's any left or you can swing more and there are any friends/relatives who might be interested, have a little memorial gathering for her - you could even do it at home to save money. Memories are the best. Funerals are for the living, but wayyyy too expensive! I certainly don't want one for me...

In my opinion most funerals and funeral homes in general are a ripoff. They prey on those grieving. I'll be creamated with a small gathering of friends and family at home. Yes, I can afford more but I see no sense in it and had rather leave my funds to my children.

Please remember funerals are for the living. Pay respect to your mom in the way you are comfortable: emotionally and financially. I am sure your mom would not have wanted you to go into debt or to cause you unhappiness.

When my oldest brother passed at 69, there was a large funeral at his church, and the body was sent to a neighboring state to be buried at a cemetery where his wife's people had a family plot. (Our family lived at the other side of the US.) There was a large gathering at the graveside with most of his wife's people there, as well as his sons, my daughter and I, and our other two brothers and wives.
His wife lived about another 30 years, and when she passed, she was cremated, and a small service at the church brought out several old friends, as well as her sons' families and me. We drove to the family plot with her ashes in the back of the car, and there were again a few relatives there. She was interred in her husband's plot.
The difference was the difference in the family situations--a middle-aged person with a lot of friends and relatives, and a very elderly person who had outlived most of her generation. Each situation was handled as appropriate for the actual situation.

My wife passed away just a few months ago. Her wishes were to be cremated with no viewing. Afterwards I felt this was wrong. There's nothing wrong with cremation, but nothing after that? I feel she needed to say goodbye to those that knew her. It has continued to bother me so when I pass, her urn will be next to my casket with a photograph of her and I. Then I will be cremated and we will be buried together. Do not feel guilt about cremation. It is totally acceptable. Even the catholic church now accepts cremation.

I buried my husband 19 months ago. I was fortunate, he wanted to be cremated.
I am wondering why you would feel guilty if you have to have her cremated. When a person dies the body goes through oxidation. Burial is a slow form and cremation is a rapid form. You are under obligation to pay for a funeral you cannot afford. She will not be her to know what kind of funeral you are doing. And in this case guilt is one of the useless emotions there is. My husbands arrangements were $2000 total. We did not have him embalmed, We did not use the funeral cars, the hearse, the funeral home ushers. We drove our own cars, Men at our church were the ushers, etc. However, his service was very dignified and many commented on its simplicity but beauty. We used an urn his brother had made on a lathe, put the ashes in it and had a picture of his on the altar table with the urn and a bouquet of flowers.
I have spend 45 yrs. in ministry, conducted many funerals, and find myself being angry when funeral homes try to quilt families into funerals they cannot afford.
Please do what you can honestly afford and don't go into debt.

Live within your means and die within your means as well.  Sorry if it sounds callous, but if there is not money for a grand funeral, there is not money...period.   Cremation alone is still two to three thousand dollars where I live and to intern cremated remains is still a cost of at least five hundred here locally.  Caskets start at two thousand.  Yes, this is all highway robbery, but what are you going to do.  If there is no money, then you have very limited options.   One of my friends just now, three years later finally saved enough money for a gravestone for his mother.   Honestly, I would not even go into conversation with her about it.  You can only do what you can do and there is no reason to upset her, just say ok but know when the time comes, you will not be able to afford her request.

You are doing your best to care for her while she is alive. This is most important. Don't worry too much about her funeral. Do what you can. Don't feel guilty. You are the responsible one! If it's a small cremation casket that you bury in your father's plot, at least they will be together.

We had a simple church service and I'm thankful my mom had left money to cover the cost. The best part? We put a bag of Dove Dark chocolate in with her. Everyone said, "Yep, that's Freda (we had the same name) for you. She always said she'd be eating candy in Heaven." :-)

She's not going to get an $8000 funeral. I like the advice saying you should tell your mother her funeral "will be taken care of." Even if you choose donation or cremation, you are taking care of arrangements. Your mother won't be there to complain, and she can't complain anyway, since she did not put aside that money herself.

First of all, you do NOT need to spend $8,000 for a funeral !! My daughter works for a funeral home and you can certainly have a funeral for a much, much lower cost. If needed, you can even order a less expensive casket on-line. Please do NOT feel guilted into something expensive... and I personally would never want my mother or myself desecrated into donating a body to science or burned, but that is MY feelings. I want a very simple casket ("the old pine box") for myself, already have a stone and gravesite beside my husband who passed away many years ago. Your mother has the VA site, so you should be able to hold a very simple and inexpensive funeral. And if actually holding a funeral is too much, just a simple burial and then a quiet evening out with friends or if you want to be alone, do something special for yourself at home with candles, flowers, and music, maybe watch a movie that was special to you both, or read a book. You are important and remember all the time you give your mother while she is living, that is how you show your love for your mother. My mother is the same age; I feel for you and wish you the very best. Sending you a hug!

Does your mother have a life insurance policy? Funeral homes will allow you to pay them once you obtain the settlement.

In a rush so can't read the other responses but here's my two cents: First of all if your mother has some dementia then it may be impacting her ability to think clearly re what kind of funeral she wants vs the reality of what funds are available. It's unfortunate but she may have to accept that hers may be very basic.
Our town has a Memorial Society. See if yours does. A local well-regarded funeral home may be able to direct you to that. They may also be able to advise you on any other resources for those of low income. I have been doing social work a very long time and this doesn't come up too often...I imagine families chip in and find a way...but there is something in place I think for those who have no financial resources and you might want to check in with your local area agency on aging/city hall. It's very fuzzy but I think the city and/or funeral directors all contribute/take turns to make it happen. It certainly would be basic but it would be a burial as opposed to cremation I would hope.
Another resource may be your local hospice program. The good thing is they may be able to help in other ways when the time is right and you have time to research this.
Don't cry...because you know, you aren't the first people to deal with this. And as costs have gone up it is a burden too many of us will also have to face. You are brave for speaking about it and facing it. Hugs.

I like LFCare's answer. However, we are too far from a teaching hospital for the transportation of the body there to be affordable. Mthr always wanted to be donated to science, but this was just not happening. It turns out there are actually body donation places that will provide transportation for the body, have it used for science, and they will return the cremated remains - everything is paid for! So you can have a memorial service (much cheaper!) and go to dinner together, and then have the burial of the cremains at the national cemetery or just scatter them. It's that easy.

My step dad died last year, he wanted to be buried in California however he didn't plan for all of the expenses which was near 25k. He and my mom lived in Florida - my husband and I live in California. We had to pack up their house, sell everything and move my frail 80 year old mom to live with us. We cremated him and shipped him home via fedex (that sounds callous) but that was the only way to do it. We had a memorial for him 4 months later. Funerals are for the living, to remember those who passed. If your mom wanted a big funeral, she should have planned and paid for it. my two cents.

Donating your body to a teaching hospital is a generous, beneficial act. Many people are helped by this choice which teaches new doctors how to learn about the people they will care for.

Funerals are not for the dead but for the living. Think about what would be comforting for you, probably something nice but inexpensive. If you are part of a faith group, i.e. church, funerals cost less for the service, food, etc. You can also donate her body for research and sometimes that costs nothing. Consider what mom wants that would not have a price tag and incorporate those elements.

When my Mom died, we had her cremated and the ashes say in my sisters den for several years
We finally found a time when we could all be together and we had drinks in her favorite restaurant
We told stories. Then we went to the cemetery where my brother Michael is buried(Vietnam) and spread her ashes there . I had brought a little box decorated with
red high heels with me we put some of her ashes inside and i gave it to my sister to take home.
Simple,

Countrymouse: "It is sad, and you sound as if you are stressed out not only about the funeral plans but also about managing in general."

In reading Essie's past posts, she is certainly stressed out. She is a prisoner in her apartment because of her elderly mother. Her brother won't get involved. She hires a caregiver once or twice a week for 4 hours. She had to check herself into a mental facility because it was all so overwhelming.

Mother doesn't want to go into a facility (of course!).

Dear EssieMarie,

The most important thing right now is for you to reassure mother that her funeral will be taken care of, even if it isn't all that she expects... as many others have pointed out, funerals are for the living... the deceased don't care.

Just give mom lots of love and comforting words, even if you have to 'exaggerate' a bit. Her last thoughts shouldn't be ones of worry about her funeral.

I am struggling with how to proceed when the time comes for my mom as well.  Her siblings who are still alive and younger, but never visit her, will expect a huge fan-fare.  I don't see the point in spending $20,000 on a funeral.  I think having a grave-side service and a get together with lots of pictures and stories would be more memorable and meaningful.  I certainly would not "rest in peace" knowing I had put my surviving family in debt for a party I couldn't attend.  I think you have already answered your own question....you don't have the funds and neither does she.   If you can't live with yourself if you cremate her against her wishes, talk with a funeral home to see what low cost options there are.  There may be some things you can do...maybe closed casket, no embalming and just have a beautiful picture placed on the casket during services.  I have heard of people renting a fancy casket for the service and using a more reasonably priced casket for the actual burial.  Try not to stress out about it and do the best you can.

I had my funeral (which was really just a cremation) planned. While doing it the funeral director said that basically this pays for a certain dollar amount but that my children could do whatever I wanted after I was gone. So I got in touch with the local medical college and am donating my body in the hopes it will help others. Then they will cremate it and return the ashes with no cost to family It may seem cruel to you that you would have to have mom cremated but remember. What is left behind is not your mom. Your mom is the spirit and memories that will be left and you can't (or shouldn't) bury those. Mom is on another plane of existence and will certainly understand.

You do what you have to do and don’t feel guilty!

someone on here once mentioned that there is a company that mixes the ashes in with a tree that is planted. Or something like that. Anyone know what I’m talking about?

my dad has a plot next to where my mom is buried and we’ve prepaid for his burial. Still was pricey but he didn’t want cremation. Luckily he had the money. But such a waste! We will not have a fancy service. In face he will be buried without us present as it’s in another state and the 4 of us daughters will travel there for a graveside memorial at a convenient time.