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Hello, my 94 year old mother never planned for her old age nor did my father. Fortunately, she had money to properly bury my father. Now she just has her SS and my father's pension every month. It helps pay our high rent and my SS helps pay for groceries and my own bills. However, the kind of funeral she wants costs 8,000.00. Neither she nor I have that kind of money readily available. No stocks or IRAs or 401ks....nothing. I'm trying to save as much as I can but unexpected things happen occasionally. I feel totally guilty if I have to have her cremated. She does have a free burial plot on top of my father's grave at the veteran's cemetery. I don't have a crystal ball to tell me how much longer she has to live. Alzheimer's I understand could go on for years. I'm a senior too and am in the same boat as my mother. It's too sad to talk about. I'm crying as I write. Thank you.

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Shop around to various funeral homes and compare prices. I work with families that have dying loved ones and I’ve come to realize that prices vary significantly based on the establishment. You can also negotiate a lower price and some funeral homes know of funds available to veterans and such through private organizations that help offset costs. Once you locate an establishment with a good price; make payments little by little with her social security check if possible. I hope this helps
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I am unclear, it sounds like she is paying more than her share of the household expenses.  Do you have plans for getting a smaller place when she is gone?  Can you get on a list for senior housing now?  While I don't think you should feel guilty for not spending your money to bury her, it does sound like she has been supporting you to some extent.  Can you work, or do you care for her full time?   Agree with look for help from local agencies, use the VA plot.
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worriedinCali Dec 2019
This post is over 2 months old and the OP has multiple posts where she explained the situation and was given lots of advice. She’s answered your questions in her responses to this post and her other post.....if you feel like going back and looking for them :)
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I was told by an elder lawyer to pre-pay for moms funeral before doing the Medicaid spend down.  Getting ready to do this for my mom now.  Mom doesn't have much saved and I was hoarding the money and supplementing where I could to make it last for her.  He explained to me that if I continue to do that without pre-paying for her funeral out of her money, then at the end, I am stuck with coming up with the money to bury her.  I realize not everyone has money saved to "spend down", and eventually my mom will get to that point...I just have to pre-pay her funeral out of what she has left before it's all gone. 

I am sorry you are struggling with this.  She may not get the pricey funeral she wants.  She is fortunate to already have the plot.  Just do the best you can.  Funerals are for the living, not for the dead.  Even with it coming out of moms money, I am not going to all out.  I think pricey weddings and pricey funerals are ridiculous.
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Humes11 gambling is an addiction and it is in the DSMV book.
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Does mom understand that the money is not there? We buried my dad last year, cost 15K total which I thought was high but from what I understand is not so out of average.

My mom wants to do a pre paid funeral as she thinks if she doesn't, I will not spend they money to have the funeral my dad had. Mom is so trusting of me:).

But while my mom is not rich by any means, she has the money to do that. (I think I will just have my body donated to the med school for basically free).

But your mom needs to understand if the money is not there, it is not there. I am guessing the spot at the VA will decrease the cost a bit? If she is not able to understand, the maybe it doesn't matter. If you don't have the money you don't have the money and you cannot break the bank for her funeral only to limit your own finances going forward from there.
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Medicaid does not pay for/assist with funeral or burial needs.

Your father provided her a burial space at the VA cemetery. Regardless of why she didn't contribute to her own funeral plans, you do not owe her a funeral.
At 94, she probably has few friends or associates able to attend a service. There is nothing wrong with a cheaper and more down to earth way of handling affairs. You can figure this out, she can't. When the time comes, do the bare essential to handle her affairs. That is not disrespectful to your parents. You are not lying if you say she will get as good a service as possible. The less, the better but she won't know.
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worriedinCali Dec 2019
There is still funeral assistance for people on Medicaid. In some states it’s handled at the state level, in some states like mine and in Colorado it’s handled at the county level
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Outliviing assets equal apply for Medicaid in your state.
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Disagree. Gambling is considered an "addiction".
It is probably in the DSMV book.
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Call veterans administration and get information on prices and support.
Cremation is best option and you get a lower price locking in now.
Good luck.
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I despise people who for whatever reason refuse to think and plan ahead. They make the beds they lie in and they must live with that. YOU are not responsible and now it is too late. Here is my suggestion - humor her and tell her, yes, yes, yes bu when the time comes arrange for cremation. They should have taken care of this years ago and were heartless and cruel to dump this on you. Therefore what they get in the end is THEIR FAULT AND YOU MUST NEVER, EVER FEEL GUILTY. Don't let anyone know what will happen - trust no one. And start looking after yourself first,
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disgustedtoo Oct 2019
You could be a little nicer Riley2166 - simply suggesting OP "humor her" and do what needs to be done when the time comes is sufficient. WE don't need to hear any more of your criticism. It is like spilt milk and hindsight. It is what it is and there is no need to continue bashing people, whether they made good decisions or not. BTW, just because you had a nice well paying job and could save for the future, NOT EVERYONE ELSE CAN!
PLEASE STOP criticizing people. Saying OP's (or anyone else's) parent was heartless and cruel is just WRONG. You don't know these people or their circumstances, so STOP IT.
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My parent is in there 90's and years ago signed up to have his body donated to Harvard. He is very into pre planning and we are grateful for that. Harvard will use what they can and pay for cremation and return to us.

$8000 is a lot of money, I hope you can find a solution that you are at peace with.
Does your Mom understand that it will place a financial burden on you, I am sure would not want that for you. My Mom also had Alzheimers.

My husband and I have both decided cremation to be the simplest and environment friendly and affordable way to go. We do not wish to place a financial burden on any or our children. We also never had jobs with IRA's or 401k's..it's tough.

Sending hugs and blessings to you.
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My husband and I both purchased a basic cremation. This did not include death certificates or anything extra. All was spelled out as an exclusion in the contract. About 8 years ago, we purchased the cremations. So no one will be forced to pay up.
If a service or extras were/are desired upon death it's up to whomever has to work through this process at the time of death. So I think pre-paid cremation contracts give families more flexibility. It gives families an opportunity to think seriously about whether it's better to spend on the living or spend on the dead.

A month ago when my husband died and I was in the room talking to the counselor. The funeral home had accepted assignment of my husband's contract from out of state about 20 years ago and he did not locate the file.
I would need to give him a check or my credit card number to move forward. He would help me work on recovering the money once we located the contract.
Well, I had a copy of the old contract right in my binder and showed it to him. He took it to someone in the office and returned saying it was taken care of so I did not owe anything.
The deceased who can't be paid for will be cremated and put to rest at a cemetery for the indigents and the unidentified. I first heard this from a poor lady years ago who was telling a group about the local pauper's graves.

Though my husband and I had cremation plans in place, this story haunted me. So I asked the counselor and he confirmed she was correct.

The hurt and shame of being a pauper or stripping families of their resources happens all the time according to the funeral counselor. This is in spite of the major media coverage for prepaid plans, cremations, burial plans and means-tested programs that are options for some. But if a family has not planned, his point was, there is no option but to pay a lot upfront or forfeit the body to the pauper's cemetery.
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humes11 Dec 2019
Donate body to University to Research. They will help you take care of cremation and send you remains.
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My father was a successful businessman and saved all of his money. Unfortunately he has wasn’t prepared for the fact that later in life my mother turned into a raging gambling addict. He once told me it would have been cheaper for him to divorce her!! But he didn’t divorce her. He died 20 years ago. My mother gambled all of the savings account since he passed away. So, since an elder lawyer told me that just because my mother is a gambling addict doesn’t mean she’s incompetent!! She isn’t incompetent. She just makes bad choices. The elder lawyer said bad choices doesn’t equate to incompetent. Competent people make bad choices all the time. You can’t go around calling them incompetent. Having said that, my mother will be cremated the cheapest way. I will not be paying for her burial and neither will my brother. There will be no go fund me page, or begging from relatives for money. My mother literally gambled HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of dollars at the casino when she could have paid for a decent burial!!!!! She blew every last dime. I’m not picking up the pieces for her bad choices.
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disgustedtoo Oct 2019
Sad to hear all that, really. But, I stand behind your decision. At the very least she could have set aside something, but didn't. C'est la vie.
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Isn’t it sad that it costs money to die?

Ever think about being in the funeral business? There was a kid in my speech class that did his ‘informative’ speech on ‘how to embalm a body.’ He got an A! The teacher loved his original, unique topic. Geeeeeez, we were totally grossed out in class that day!

He went into great detail and we learned things that I still remember and wish that I could forget.

Anyway, his uncle owned the business and he was working at the funeral parlor. He told us he was planning to go to school to become an undertaker.

Another gross thing was an interview that I heard about students who were in school for plastic surgery. A student told about her part time job which was to roll human heads on a cart for students to practice face lifts on! She went on to say that she had to cover them with a sheet in order to make the delivery. She said she pretended it was cabbage heads under the sheet! Can you imagine? Geeeeez, I would have nightmares!!!

It didn’t creep him out at all because he grew up in that atmosphere. To each his own but I couldn’t do it.

Once when I was young and needed a job I was scanning the ads and an ad for a secretary caught my eye so I called the number and the business was a cemetery. I promptly hung up the phone. Hahaha I kept thinking about ghosts lurking around. Obviously I did not apply for the job!

My oldest brother had an apartment right next door to a cemetery. I used to tease him about having ‘very quiet’ neighbors. I told him that we could crank up the music because his neighbors wouldn’t complain! LOL

Getting close to Halloween and I guess I am thinking about scary stuff.
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Going to say it again...if you have found your way on line to this site then you can find your way to research memorial societies which are more of a consumer organization and looking out for everyone regardless of a desire to have a burial or cremation. I forwarded in a private message the details for her specific state to the OP. Google Memorial Societies or Funerals.org I think is the link...don't have it in front of me any longer.
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Ink and paper you are absolutely right!!! Spend the 8 thousand on a vacation, or college. Your LO is dead and won’t know the difference if you spent 800 or 8 THOUSAND!!! My father died 20 years ago and my mother asked him before he died if he wanted to donate his body to science? He said NO!! She agreed not to do it and cremated him 20 years ago for 700.00. No fuss, no muss. She needed the extra money she saved by doing a very cheap cremation to gamble with!!! In all fairness, the funeral director was a great guy. He rebuilt bicycles and gave away hundreds of bikes at Christmas time to kids!! He wasn’t in it for the money. He wasn’t in the cremation business for the money either!!!
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Myownlife, that is fine. You don’t want to be cremated, that is fine.,I hope you set aside money to pay for the burial that you want. So many times other family members have to pay for the burial and they go into debt doing so.
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do the basics, really this nonsense of needing to go out with a bang and a heck of a financial doom for the next 20yrs needs to stop
Ive paid for my funeral there isnt going to be any party.. it will be grab the body and turn it into an urnful of ashes, no cup of tea, no silly words, just the very basics. As I came into this world without being heralded or wanted so I shall leave it.
It shouldnt be a worry for anyone.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
What a great, no nonsense, direct answer! Love your attitude.
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When the time comes, you can only do what you can afford. That's it. If that means cremation, then that will be it. As for what other family members expect? "I know mom wished for a big send off, but the money is just not there. as it is, (whatever you end up with) costs this much, and it is putting me in debt. Let's remember mom in other ways."
If they don't like it, then they will just have to get over it.
I know that is easier said then done, I'm just advising you to feel okay about your decisions whatever they are.
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Look at the “Green Burial” thread started here yesterday. I am sincerely hoping this sane, rational, and natural trend puts the Hollywood-$10,000 coffin-giant floral spray industry right out of business. Whoever started the idea, and brainwashed people into believing, that showy, fancy, and expensive=love/respect is laughing all the way to the bank. Give her the kind of burial you can easily afford, period. She won’t know the difference. But heck yeah, if it makes her happy, tell her “SURE, Mom, we’re gonna put on a show that makes Princess Diana’s little service look puny!”
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Although there are no rules yet, there will be laws soon that will prohibit cremation if the deceased had certain medical treatments that will prove to create a hazard. There are many considerations regarding cremation.
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Hi, just for info, I've copied this from a funeral website, (note that a "direct burial" is most affordable type):
https://www.everplans.com/articles/4-things-you-need-to-know-about-direct-burial
*Basic Features Of Direct Burial:
"Because direct burial does not include a formal funeral or any pre-funeral events, many of the costs of a traditional funeral are avoided.
The body is usually buried in a simple container, rather than an expensive casket
There is no viewing, visitation, or wake before the burial, which eliminates the need for embalming.
A graveside funeral service may be held when the body is buried: (at additional cost), or a memorial service may be held at a later date."
[Essie, I hope this comforts you & gives u a viable option 4mom].
Tiger55
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Peanuts56 Oct 2019
Thanks for your kindness as well as the information.
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There is nothing wrong with cremation!  Do people actually think that way these days? The old stigma was due to the fact that in the eighteenth-nineteenth centuries, there was the mistaken idea that cremation denied the possibility of the resurrection.  Not so. You can have a Requiem Mass with the cremains present. One of the most beautiful "funerals" I attended was for a man who wished to donate his body to UCLA Medical School.  At his death in the hospital, all his widow had to do was gather up personal items, call the phone number she had been given and everything was taken from there. (Of course, there were still the medical bills from his stay in the hospital.)  Then, a month later, she invited friends, co-workers etc. to a memorial at the Eaton Canyon Nature Center. People brought food, she supplied punch and we all got acquainted with one another and shared our stories of this wonderful man.  Very inexpensive, but very respectful.  You and your mom might try to think outside the box here.
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Shane1124 Oct 2019
I can verify this as well. My brother passed in June. I had to cremate him. I did check with a priest who stated cremation was now accepted in Catholicism. I did have a requiem Mass for him with his cremains at the church.
There is no longer an issue about cremation in the Catholic Church anyway.
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No adult child of a parent should be spending their own financials for their parent. You will need that for your own elder self. This had been stated many times over and not just by a lay person.
Where does that leave you? In a quandary. Because of her wishes, which she has not saved accordingly for, you may have to opt for cremation.
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You should be crying because you have gone through life with out creating financial discipline. It is a HUGE problem in this country. Our lack of financial responsibility is a freight train coming at the elderly and soon to be elderly in this country. If you cannot cut your expenses enough to put this $8000 a way in time I suggest this:
Contact the veterans adm and learn ALL you can about what options and support they will provide you. You might be surprised.
Are there other family members or friends that would be willing to help?
Have you spoken to your church. They often help with these kinds of things. If your not active in a church ask friends that do go to church if they will introduce you to their church leaders.
Go to the local Senior centers to see what kind of support may be available
Go to local and county social service offices to see what may available

If you have children use this as a "teaching moment" Use this to teach your children they have to create a budget to live in, they have to take time to plan their future. They have to no allow the materialistic world to drag them around and they MUST spend less than they earn. Todays young people are going to live FAR longer than any of us will. They are going to have to be smart about money when they are young so they will have a decent life in their Senior years and when they are sitting around thinking about what kind of final service they want they will know they learned from their elders and will be prepared.
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inkandpaper Oct 2019
It's also worth noting that OP's mother has lived to 94- where she might very well have outlived her resources.
I do have the resources to do a funeral and burial for my loved ones, but I would not consider spending 8K for a funeral a good use of those resources. I understand that the method of dealing with a loved one's remains is very personal and the reasons for choosing one method over another can be complex. I would rather my family take 8K and travel. they can spread my ashes on whatever vacation they take with the money. Or they can use the 8K to add to their own financial stability.
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By any chance, does she have a life insurance policy that can be used pond her death to pay for her funeral? If she does not, some state's will provide assistance with cremation under Medicaid. Does she have any spousal benefits through the V.A.? I Don't think you should be using your savings to pay for her funeral. After all, a funeral is for the living not for the deceased. I suggest you discuss your feelings with a counselor or some sort of a support group? I'm thinking that she would not want you to be in debt for an experience she will have no knowledge of. Please Don't feel guilty over something that is beyond your control. After all when she was able, she could have made choice such as pre-pay or payment plans that would have allowed her to have her funeral of choice.
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anonymous828521 Oct 2019
Awesome info Peanuts56👍
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This is another case of people simply refusing to do things to prepare for the eventual things that will/must occur. That is/was her problem - not yours. Do not say anything, just cremate her. She won't know it and she will pass peacefully and be with God. You will have done the best you could and that alone should bring you peace. It is not your fault - she brought this on herself. Do NOT feel guilty or use the veteran's cemetery. I am here for you.
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Myownlife Oct 2019
Why shouldn't she use the VA cemetery? It is what my SIL will do when she passes away, to be close to her husband/my brother.
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Cut Your cloth to Your measure EssieMarie. Only spend what You can comfortably afford and do not worry. Of coarse We would all love a Pipe Band and lots of fan fare when Our time comes but then We must remember when We die the Soul leaves the Body for Heaven and that's what is most important.
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EssieMarie: In spite of some the harsh words spewed by some on this page toward my comments, I have sent you two private messages, one a follow up to the first as I took the liberty of doing some research and backing up my public comments...I have provided some resources and contact information that may be helpful with your needs and planning, including for funeral/burial or cremation. Wishing you the best as I always was in spite of what was concluded by some here.
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anonymous828521 Oct 2019
You're awesome gdaughter! 👍
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You ask church 4 help if you belong, ask relatives and IF all fails YOU DO YOUR BEST AND CREMATE SHE IS IN HEAVEN SHE DOES NOT CARE SHE WANTS YOU TO PRAY & MISS HER & TALK TO HER EVERY DAY!
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brinoz Oct 2019
I am stunned that you gave your phone number.
hope you don’t get a lot of crank calls,
best of luck!
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