How do I handle my mom giving up on life?

My husband was like that he would not even open the fridge to get himself a drink but one night he was mad at me and I found him late at night fixing him a meal. I finally got tired of all the drama-he wiuld give himself too much insulin so he could wake me up when he had low blood sugar and loved going to docs and hospitals and rehabs finally I realized with the help of a counsuler he needed to be placed he was slowly killing me I had serious health problems which he downplayed and was abusive-he died whild I was doing the paperwork bymyself to get him on medicaide-he loved to play the victum which was a family thing with his mother and grandfather he was carrying on the family tradition-it took years for me to wake up but did finally soon after a lawyer told me that 60% of caregivers die before those they are caring for-but before he died to learned to start taking care of myself and had interest so I had friends to turn to after my caregiving days, If a person will not help themself there is no way to make them and nursing homes do not get paid for PT if a pt. is not making progress and there are so many who will work hard to remain mobile so those who will not try are left behind.

Have you had her checked for depression?
Does she like making you jump through hoops? Does it amuse her?
My mom likes being waited on too. At times I refer to her as "the queen" or "her highness" but her meds were recently adjusted and she seems more rational/human. Her more acceptable behavior may be short lived and nothing more than another one of her cons, but I still hope.
She may have just given up. If this is the case it too can have many causes.
In any case; it's frustrating to us as caregivers.
You do not have to pay for her NH. Unless you are guardian, you are not liable for her in any way. You may wish to talk to your own attorney (not her's) on your own behalf.
Try to speak to her rationally like an adult first. Lay out her options. All of her options (with & without you). She may change her tune.

If my mom is any example: Yes it is an act !!!!! I don't know what they think they are going to accomplish by this type of behavior.
I lost my temper recently & told mom I was NOT going to be used and abused in this manner any longer. I told her to lose my # and that I would be making arrangements to sever our relationship (which I fully intended to do). My husband took over for a couple of weeks minimally (doc visits) and I had no contact with her whatsoever. All of a sudden she was able to do things for herself that she hasn't done in years.
It may only be temporary, but she is doing some laundry, picking up after herself, checking her own blood sugar and generally having the INDEPENDANCE that she swears she has.
I've heard it said that they will LET you do it all for them if you are willing to do it. I was doing everything for mine 'til I exhausted myself. This "wait on me hand and foot" crap is just that....crap!!!!! Ask your mom if she thought it was right when her mother did that to her, and does she have so little regard for you that she would treat you this way. Ask her why she would want to cause you so much pain and misery; what you ever did to deserve this hatefulness toward you.
Some folks need a wakeup call!
Maybe it's time for some tough love!
Either that or shes waiting to die. That happens too, but let her know it may be a loooong time to wait with no quality of life for you or her.
If she calls herself a Christian, tell her she can start acting like one and care for someone other than herself. Give her a Bible and tell her if she intends to die it would behoove her to get right with GOD now.
I know the blank stare, the feigned deafness on the phone (what?, what? huh?), the stare at the floor, the "no response" syndrome, the "I can't" syndrome, and an endless list of infantile con games. Are they all aimed at infuriating the adult child or just to get their way? Alot of both I think.

There is NO reason any of us should allow our lives to be shortened for their amusement!!!!
We care for them and want to care for them, but we have our limits.

This sounds like a common problem, similar to what we are experiencing. I would agree with the other advice given here, and do have the doctor check for depression. Medical conditions and the aging process seem to bring it on in the elderly, and I have heard of people improving with the right antidepressant so they get back some of their desire to live and do things. Not a cure all, but it might help.
My mother has become diabetic, had a TIA and possibly other strokes to cause vascular dementia. Her appetite has dwindled and she rarely does anything on her own. She doesn't respond well to my dad's suggestions/pleading, and only slightly better to mine. I don't have the time to coach her through every meal and exercise, though, even though I live next door. It's frustrating.
Strange thing is she complains that everyone else does everything for her (cooking, laundry, etc.), but she can't or won't try to do even small things. I think the executive functions in her brain have been damaged with the stroke or dementia; perhaps your mom has had something similar happen.

Thanks for the comments everyone..she's actually doing better in the nursing home. They are putting her through some rigorous rehab and aren't letting her play the victim. It's a really wonderful place- I've been very impressed. She actually got up out of a chair on her own yesterday and walked down the hall!!! With a walker. :) I think she needed the tough love. I'm pretty sure she'll be coming home now in a matter of time. I'm glad they were able to talk some sense into her, and being around the other people in there, some of whom are much worse off than her, has done her wonders. She's also going to be a seen by a psychiatrist- to determine is she has any demetia going on, or if it's just depression. Again, thanks so much for all your comments. I hope those of you having similar issues get some relief.

My husband has severe arthritis, but has always managewd to get about at his own pace. 3 months ago he was dressing when he pulled a muscle in his side. He suddenly decided he couldn't stand and as he's 25stone I couldn't manage to move him.I called for help and he was admitted to hospital where they found he had a kidney infection. This was treated and he was told he could go home, but he refused to get out of bed and stand. He was taken into rehab where he stayed for a further 6 weeks with very little help. He has been home for 3 weeks, still not stood up, having cares in 4 times a day and an OT is supervising things. She is getting a physio and a psychologist in this week to see if that helps.He did have a mini stroke last year and I am wondering if that has had an effect on him. He is on anti depressants, but shows no sign of any progress. He has lost interest in almost everything, just lies in bed oris hoisted into a chair. He keeps saying he will try and get up his way but the carers can't let him until he gets the go ahead from the OT. I have cared for him for 15years and now he is treating me like an outcast and is unconcerned about my own pain, which is far worse than his. I 've tried talking to him, but all he keeps saying is "sorry". I long to get things back to how they were. As the hospital said "He isn't ill and he has to do things himself".

upon reading some of theses comments never gave depression a thought my Dad refuses to wash and dress sits in chair all day glued to tv in his pj,s only time he moves is to go to the toilet or bed.Will not exercise his leg muscles and now is becoming susceptible to falls, due to sitting around all day.Tried the softly softly approach not worked time 4 kid gloves to come off but somehow don't think it will work as stubbornness also a huge factor cant force him either as that is now classed as elder abuse head banging off brick wall any ideas anyone ?Became like this since minor stroke in august 09

What happened to your mother? I am experiencing almost the exact same thing with my mother.

How does she feel about going to a nursing home? My mom is 75. She had surgery 2 years ago and checked herself out of the rehab hospital. Just wouldn't do the exercises any more. Didn't want to be there with "the old people." It was a nightmare. Doctor was so mad at her. My sister really stepped up and after pleading, we got a home nurse to come and change her bandages. Mom too just gave up. Didn't want to walk down the hall (even though walking was good for her rehab) to go potty so had my brother buy her a portable one for her bedroom! Wouldn't clean it (yuck). Now she is better but won't go see the doctor about her arthritis and won't clean her house. She is a widow and lives alone so she doesn't care. But if she had to go to a nursing home, she would change.

She's okay with going to the nursing home actually..she likes being waited on....I just hate seeing her not trying to get better...I don't know what in the world happened to her will power. We've explained to her that if she goes in the nursing home we'll more than likely lose the family house to pay for it..and she just doesn't seem to care...