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Mom is super tough in the things she overcame. She had a very impoverished upbringing in KY coal mining country during the 30s and 40s. Somewhere along the way she became entitled and spoiled. She wants a magic pill for everything. She doesn’t do what physical therapist tell her to and always has a reason why. She could rehab and get up on her feet again. I actually see her not trying hard and suffering the consequences - immobility, pneumonia, blood clots, etc- because there is no magic pill for her to take. How far do you go to *make* her do the right things? I can’t want it more than she does. PLUS, she has needed a walker/cane for a while but was too prideful to use one. She got the natural consequences of her actions. It is very hard not to be resentful at times.

I am glad to hear you have set boundaries. It is disheartening to see a loved one, especially our mom, all but give up. If she truly can understand the concept that the sooner she puts the work in, the sooner she can go home then she will jump aboard. Wish u all the luck. Not easy. My mom will need physical therapy very soon. Im hoping at home care will be enough but her condition is slowly progressing before my eyes. We can only pray, and encourage but in some instances step back, for our own sanity & self care. Hugs & prayers sent!!💝😘😇😊
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Reply to Justme44
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Your profile says she has Dementia. Not saying that rehab could help but will she be able to process what is being said. Can she take direction. Will she remember what her excercises are. My Mom didn't. I was told she couldn't follow directions, that she didn't remember her excercises, really! She had Dementia! She had therapy maybe twice a day, the rest of the time she was in a wheelchair. She was confused and unhappy. I swore she wouldn't go there again.

If she is in an AL, you can have therapy go there. Just need her doctor to order it. She will be in her own place.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I'm going to offer a slightly different viewpoint, based primarily on insights gained during the last years of my father's life, and mine thereafter.

Sometimes challenges develop, become compounded, and the individual feels so overwhelmed that it seems hopeless.  It's difficult to just focus on one aspect of life, let alone complications from surgery, especially a hip fracture b/c walking is so critical for self reliance.    And there's also self denial of the need to accept age related changes. 

Think of an old vehicle that needs repair.  You fix one issue, but another arises.   This repeats itself over and over until you decide the vehicle is no longer worth fixing.

I've realized that people can become subject to the same perception, when faced with so many obstacles, losing self confidence, and just giving up.

I don't know your mother, but someone who was raised in a challenging environment usually has developed very good coping resources, but can be overwhelmed by too much at one time.  (Think also of a swimmer being swamped by a rogue wave, over and over and over).

It took me a while to just set everything aside and focus on one aspect at a time.   That might be worth a try with your mother, even if you have to help initially to raise her level of self confidence.   Think of something easy, that she enjoys, and try that to get her back on the track to believing in herself.

And I wish you luck, and patience.   This isn't easy to do - in fact, it's very difficult!
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Reply to GardenArtist
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It sounds like you are writing about my mom!

The best I think we can do is to be supportive but try to mostly stay out of it to keep our frustration level down. When I feel up to it, I offer to help her with her exercises. Mostly I'm too frustrated to offer because she SHOULD be doing the exercises without having to be FORCED.

Let the PT staff be the ones that push her. If she's like my mom, she'll do the work for them, but will complain like heck with you. I try, not with a huge amount of success, to ignore the complaining. Not easy, but, what else can you do??

At least your mom doesn't live with you where her lack of compliance really does become your problem. She won't last in AL long if she doesn't recover enough.
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Reply to againx100
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My mom refused to do physical therapy when she was having severe knee pain last year. She said she wanted knee-replacement surgery. She was 90 at the time, and so surgery was not necessarily the best option, even without considering the fact that for an optimal outcome, the patient should participate in rehab. My siblings and I expressed to her our concern that she wouldn't do rehab because she was refusing to do PT. She said she would participate in rehab and she did and she is doing very well (for a 91 year old).

Many years ago, my dad (now deceased) had a serious illness and had to spend time in a rehab-type facility after being released from the hospital. He was very dispirited. He just wanted to go home; he didn't want to engage in recovery activities. We reminded him that the sooner he was considered "better," the sooner he could go home, and getting better required him to engage in rehab and PT. He did enough so that he could go home.
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Reply to Rosered6
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againx100 Aug 17, 2019
That is very good news about your mom - my mom wouldn't do the prehab so I assumed she would stink at the rehab and I was unfortunately right!
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You know the answer, if she does not want to improve then you step back and watch the train wreck.

What can you do? Refuse to accommodate her in the things she is capable of doing. If she needs a higher level of care then arrange it now. Tell her, if you cannot do xyz, then you need more care, and I am not going to do it.

When Dad had his stroke, he worked hard at his exercises and eventually was sent to rehab, where he continued to work hard. 4 years later he continues to do his exercises before he gets out of bed and does either weights or cardio every other day. When he was sent to rehab, there were some in the hospital who complained, they had been there longer blah, blah , blah, but they were not doing the work and there was limited space in the rehab. They only sent those who were showing willingness to work hard at their recovery.

This is in Canada, not the US. Initial rehab was in the hospital for several weeks, then several months in a rehab facility, before going home.
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Reply to Tothill
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OnlydaughterTN Aug 18, 2019
You are right. I know the answer. I needed to hear all your experiences. It is so comforting. My husband and I have taken such good care of her and she can only complain about how she wants to be in a house, she’s rather in be Florida, she should have been allowed to stay in her house, I took her furniture away. She has never been able to appreciate the love she has. It is tough to love when a person takes that love for granted. I have done my “boundary” work. I put my family first. And I’ve been watching this train wreck for 10 years. Here’s the mixed emotions: it still pains me to see her give up on her life.
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