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I’m 36 taking care of my 66 yr old mother that has EOA. She literally shuts down and stops talking to me and locks herself in her room away from me. It’s still early in this disease and I’m dealing with it all alone. Any suggestions? I have my days where I can walk away but some days it really provokes me by being accused.

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Something I just thought of. I don't know how your finances are, but if there is a chance she will have to go on Medicaid, (Medical in California). Keep your finances separate. They do a 5 year lookback and if they think she has given you money they could make her ineligable for a time. Look on this site for some discussion on this. You probably will have to place her in a facility one of these days. If you don't, great, but start now doing the financial things right.
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"Borrowed it and forgot to put it back" might let you off the hook a bit easier.
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Just agree. Yep, I stole it because I needed it. Better than saying 1,001 x over that you didn't.
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Thank you, Athena, for the suggestion about "The 36 Hour Day". I immediately went to Amazon and bought it, and hope it will help a lot with my mom AND my current client. Both of them are getting farther into dementia and it's becoming
SO hard to go see them. I've had my client/friend for 2 years now, and one before her for 2 years (the second year both of them AND my mom, though she wasn't showing the dementia behaviors then). Even though I don't live with any of them now, am getting pretty burned out, and come home from visiting both of them 2X a week pretty fried (my husband says). We live several miles out of town, so it works out best for me to see them the same days, but oh boy, it ain't easy! One is misplacing everything and saying it's been stolen (I usually find it on the floor of the closet or something); the other can't remember people I talk about that she's known forever, having trouble paying bills, etc, but won't let me help (my mom, of course; client would let me help if she needed it). So hard to have a conversation with them, and I never know what to believe; mom says she fell 8 times since the first of the year; told husband 9; I had thought 2.... Last week she said she had another bowel accident (previous one trailed through the apt to the bathroom); now she says she hasn't had one in 3 mos... that kind of stuff. Got her to apply for Medicaid and when the reply came, she didn't tell me, and threw away the letter - aaargh! I'm trying to stay with my client (99 years old) to the end, but don't know.... Does anyone know the next step after a medicaid turndown in SD, other than elder attorney (no money for that)?
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SueC1957 Oct 2018
Go to your local senior center and ask if they have any referrals to a low or no cost elder law attorney. We had one at our center. He was donating a few hours a week free.
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Hugs! This awful disease progresses and changes daily.

Please try to get mom into senior activities, daycare, day trips whatever is available in your area. This will give you much needed time for you to get your balance and to be able to find the humor in all this. It's not funny but you will feel better dealing from a sense of humor and not dread.

"Yep mom, I stole it. I'm starting a new career as a cat burglar and practicing on you. Oops, I can't remember where I hid the goods, can you help me look?" "Did you notice at what age I developed glue on my fingers, I touch it and it sticks. Could it be hereditary? Mom tell me, do we have a family secret?"

There is no way to predict her response but you can control yours, getting provoked only makes you feel bad when the dust settles, I know BTDT (been there, done that). I can deal with others soooooooo much easier then my parents doing the same thing. I have learned to pity them, which helps me not get upset with them. I also have really silly conversations with myself while dealing with their brokenness. I also keep my boundaries, regardless of what they are going through. My life is not theirs, they had their time and now it is my turn. No guilt, they are safe, cared for and that's about all I can worry about. If they want happiness, joy or peace that comes from within. My dad is happy and my mom is happy only when she's miserable and she is joyous if she can make others miserable.

Don't be to hard on yourself, forgive yourself and find ways to be kind to yourself. Be realistic in what kind of care she needs, a facility may be what she needs, whether she wants to or not is beside the point. You are important and you deserve to have a life separate from her.
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My heart goes out to you and your mom. This must be tremendously hard for you to experience, and also for her to be losing herself at such an early age. I will add my voice to all the other comments and good suggestions. My mom who has Alzheimer's also accused me of taking everything from her at one time or another, and eventually as her POA, I actually had to take many real things away. I know my pre-Alzheimer's mom would have trusted me, so it helped to tell myself that it is just the disease talking. But even with that, feel okay when you have to go somewhere and vent to someone. A support group is excellent for that. I learned (with much practice and visual reminders for myself) not to engage in ARE with my mom, which means do not try to Argue, Reason or Explain because it doesn't do any good. I learned to utilized a variety of techniques in working with her, many that were mentioned in this forum.

Not everyone feels comfortable in groups, so a book that helped me was "The 36-Hour Day." That book became my bible and there were so many behaviors that my mom was doing that were in the book and suggestions on how to deal with those behaviors that were very helpful.

I just did a Walk to End Alzheimer's yesterday in Long Beach, California in the rain. I had a team of 6 people and there were about 149 teams registered for this walk and tons of people were there, in the rain, walking in honor of their loved ones. You are not alone--you just have to reach out like you did on this forum and see the many people who are sharing the same experience. God Bless you and your mom.
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I am sad to hear about this and understand the frustration. My sister is accused of stealing my 85 years old moms things too. Mom wants me to confront my sister and have her return them. When these things are found, then she says my sister has returned them, because she felt guilty. There is a "no win" here, I would just say that I will talk to my sister.
There is a lot of good advice here. One thing that has been mentioned is the losing of items, this is another frustrating stage. I took the important cards from moms wallet and color copied them, then had them laminated for her wallet. Meanwhile, I kept the cards in a safe place incase her wallet goes permanently missing. Also, I could see that it was time to approach the subject of becoming joint on her chequing acct., so that I can help her out with paying the bills etc etc... She dug her heels in for about a year, then it was apparent that it had to be done. The lady at the bank was wonderful and respectful of moms apprehensiveness.
It really does take a village to help out, if you are doing it all on your own, you may burn out and then become sick yourself. My suggestion is to seek outside help, and go to a Alz drop in group to feel like part of a community rather than on an island with this terrible disease.
Thank you AgingCare for having this website.
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My mother’s latest accusation is that I am stealing her mail after I put it in the mail drop. I know everyone says let it roll off of you but it is difficult to hear her call relatives that live across country and hear her tell them these things. I know arguing doesn’t help but do know you aren’t alone. I am working on handling these situations better. Hope you can find support, you are very young to be in this situation. This web site can be a great source of information.
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Nothing you say will convince her that you didn’t take it. I would tell my father I must have moved it and I will look for it because I don’t remember where I put it, this would usually calm the situation down at least. In dads case this part has left and we no longer get accused of taking things.
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Yes, I've been here too in terms of being accused of stealing things. My mom, with Alzheimer's, accused my friends, (who didn't come over, because these were grown women with lives of their own) of trying to steal her bathing suits! No amount of reasoning with her would help. I just went along with it. Since she'd often misplace 1 glove, I bought another pair of the same color, so I could substitute 1 of those, when needed. Creativity with Alzheimer's goes hand in glove.
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First part of your answer is that the disease brings out faults and makes them worse. Its not her talking more the disease. Next first thing is to understand that when the brain is in weekend state it compensates in my view by fabrication. So make the area as easy as possible. Create a routine where items are always in the same place. Get gadgets on line that will track the keys wallet and purse. They are like 50 bucks tell you were they keys are by GPS. Also set up a routine that she can expect daily lunch dinner walk park. Lastly make sure she gets one half hour of sun in the morning so her carcadium rythem. Which differences sleep from wake. is good for the day. At night there can't be any noise during sleep no lights. TV programing should be lite. Gillian's island etc..

avoid all stressful TV. Avoid all news. And go to the park which works wonders. That's all I got.
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I have been through exactly what you’re going through. My mother’s doctor had taken her off of antidepressants and that’s when things really went south. Horrible false accusations, nonstop talking and complaining, which chased most of her friends away. So frustrating and also So sad.
I moved my mother close to me into a Retirement home, so I could go to the Drs. with her. I privately let the Dr. know all that was happening and she was put back on antidepressants. The right dose calmed her so she wasn’t stressed and agitated. It can calm so many symptoms of dementia. Please try doing this for you and your mother. There is help and too many think they just have to suffer through it. It won’t fix her, but it will help a lot and you will be able to breath again!
God bless you!
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You have had lots of helpful advice from knowledgeable people, so what I want to pick up on is your comment "I'm dealing with it all alone." Don't!

You are among understanding friends here; but if you do a little research you will also find people to connect with in your area, and you will find a lot of information at alz.org to help you understand what is going on in your mother's poor head.

She is fearful, and you are there. Those are the causes of her lashing out at you. Please, please do not take literally anything that she says.
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This is hard and I wish I had an answer. Lately I find walking away/ therapeutic lies harder and harder. Most days it’s just me with my father-in-law, my husband works out of town.

I’ve been told by many experts to go into his world and let him believe what he wants. Perhaps you can try that. Also, I’ve done the whole putting my hand under his and gently speaking to redirect- ask about a favorite memory (I usually ask about his motorcycle or how he met his wife). But it’s exhausting.

Make sure to find support geoups (if you can- I can’t get away to do that) and take time for yourself if possible. Respite care at a senior center or an assisted living. Just know this is a stage, it’ll pass. I’m never sure if that’s really a good thing, but so far most of these quirks have been temporary until a new quirk shows up.
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MaryKathleen Oct 2018
Mommaruthie, I am so concerned about you. You need to find a way to get away, even if it is for a short time. If you go down, who will take care of your FIL? Someone would. Have you called your County Office on Aging? Mine will send someone over to give you respite while you are at a support group, I don't know if they will provide someone so you can get out of the house and stand in the isle at the grocery store or drug store (I used to do that when my kids were little. I would have keys in hand when hubby walked in door. As he opened the door, I would rush out).
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She is going to decline--overall the earlier they get it, the more aggressive it is. I would seriously consider nursing home placement because it's going to get far, far worse. It's just you do not have support of family and you need to forge a life for yourself. See an eldercare attorney and get the estate in order and prepare for this. I'm not trying to sound mean..believe me caring for someone with Alzheimer's is a very soul-destroying process. Point is you are still young.
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Does it help at all to realize this is a very common dementia behavior? And often it includes the person actually hiding the items! "Someone is stealing my things. I'd better hide my valuables." And then they not only forget where they put them for safekeeping but they forget that they even did it. And that seems to "prove" their fear ... things keep going missing. Argh! As SueC says this is often just a short phase they go through.

Don't argue with them. You can deny taking something, but try not to be confrontational. "Oh no, Mom! Your embroidery scissors is missing? That is sad. I know that those are a particular favorite of yours. I know I didn't take them deliberately, but I might have picked them up by mistake so let me help you look for them. If they don't show up in a couple of days, let's buy a nice replacement."
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It seems that EVERY Alzheimer's victim goes through this stage. It's SO disheartening. Her brain is broken. She would never accuse you of stealing if she wasn't suffering from a brain disease.
*Please try not to take it personally.
*Let her tell you all about it, with you repeating a couple of words every so often, so she feels validated.
*Try to "turn off" your hearing (ignore the discussion).
*Try redirecting her onto another subject or activity.
*Try going along with it and offer to help her "find" it.
*Try NOT to argue, it only makes it worse. To HER, the item has been stolen. She doesn't realize SHE misplaced it and will probably accuse you of "putting it back" anyway. This, unfortunately, is a loose-loose situation.
*Good thing is this won't last forever...however it feels like it.

Good luck and prayers for you both.
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Nanagigi4 Oct 2018
Our mother’s accusations have continued on for 3 years now... I really wish it was just a short time...
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There are articles about Paranoia and an especially good one called "Dementia Patients and Their Hurtful "Lies" on this site. Try this: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-handle-alzheimers-disease-lying-144204.htm

If you click on some of the topics above there are more.  Sympathy and hugs!
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Oh dear, we have posters who can't cope with their LO talking all the time, or can't cope with no privacy because LO won't stay in their room (or suite of rooms), while you have equally awful problems with the opposite. You could try 'yes I stole it and hid it in your room. I bet you can't find it'. She might even look!

You and your mother are young to be coping with this. Perhaps it would help to look ahead, and think about what you are going to do when neither she nor you can do it. Then you can at least give yourself an end point for when you have to have the patience of a saint!
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