My mother is 89 and has dementia, although I'm not sure what stage.


I have never been particularly close to my mother but have been staying with her, I'm 53 and it's wearing me down. My older sister who has medical power of attorney acts like she could care less. My mother doesn't want medication so she hasn't been seen for dementia nor is she on medication which she really needs. Meanwhile she's #1 a hoarder and has fallen a few times (which is why I'm there). I do a lot for my mother, but I'm always the bad guy even though my sister hardly even calls her much less comes by. My mother gosspis about me terribly and lies a lot -- Says I'm the reason her house looks the way it does, she curses at me (I'm talking the F word), won't do anything but sit and watch crap tv (Maury, Jerry Springer, Steve Wilkos) and then want to discuss sexually perverted topics (and has a tone in voice like she gets off on it which makes me sick) like incest, pedophiles, rape of young children. She calls me all day repeating the same thing over and over, and I have no privacy. My hair is falling out, I'm sick a lot-- and I feel like I'm doing this alone while my sister travels and hardly calls my mother.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing


Agree with Countrymouse. You have no authority for decisions, so it's always going to be a losing situation for you. Move out.
Helpful Answer (0)

Your sister has medical power of attorney. Your mother has given her the authority to act on her behalf. Your sister has accepted responsibility for your mother's welfare - and if she's tired of hearing all this crap, well, sorry, she should have thought of that before. Besides, she can always resign her POA if she wants; and then it will be your mother who should have thought it through more carefully.

But as for you... Why are you even there?

It is your *sister* who is responsible for your mother. If she can't handle it - and no one here would blame her for even one second - then she is the one who has to make alternative arrangements and who has the authority to do that. Not you.

If you have somewhere else to go, do this. Tell your sister that without the authority to make decisions such as seeking specialist medical advice you cannot be responsible for your mother. Give her a reasonable notice period. Move out.
Helpful Answer (1)

Just a thought, I don't have medical POA, either. I just took her. And no one has given me any problem :-) You have got to be able to see light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, and feeling helpless is the worst.
Helpful Answer (2)

Thank you so much for answers, greatly appreciated!

My mother has had no mental issues, and she's textbook dementia from what I've researched and seen with my friends parents. And friends who have taken care of parents/in-laws with dementia tell me all the time, agree that's exactly what it is. To answer questions, my sister is raising her screw up of a daughter's three (3) children and when she's not doing that she's jet setting all over the place, and my mother is her last concern. I have no help. My mother has pushed us away for years and we both harbor some resentment, but my sister won't get involved and I tell her everything that is going on, she comes off on the phone like "I'm tired of hearing this crap." I'm alone in this and can't do much because I don't have medical power of attorney my sister does. Of course when I tell my mother she needs to do anything, she fights me tooth and nail (doesn't give my sister a hard time) and still won't do it. I'm tired and frustrated.
Helpful Answer (0)

I feel your pain. However, if she has not been diagnosed with dementia, how do you know she has it?

My mother has had mental issues, my whole life. It wasn't unti she was in her 60's that they diagnosed bipolar with psychotic effect. People (including doctors) who don't know her think she has dementia. She doesn't. She, because of lack of medical care, pretty much lives in a fantasy world. Since I have taken over her care (within the last 3 months) I have gotten her to a general physician, psychiatrist and eye doctor. The psych prescribed meds which helped immensely. She was actually semi- easy to deal with. But when I picked her up from AL about two weeks ago, she was in one of her moods. Dressed like a bag lady and told me I ruined her life because I was born and that I was a fat pig. Turns out, she's not taking her meds. Took her back to the psych yesterday and he is suggesting an injection that she will get every month. Thank GOD. No pills to deal with because, like your mom, she doesn't want to take medicine. Isn't it funny how the fault lies with the only one's who take responsibility?

You need to make her go to the doctor and explore options for Assisted Living or a caregiver living with her. Your health, is paramount. Don't let it go because you won't be good for anyone that way.
Helpful Answer (0)

Sadly, dementia can cause people to act in ways and say things that are unpleasant, untrue, hurtful and bizarre. As caregivers, we have to learn to accept it and develop a tough skin. Rarely can we rely on them to act appropriately, cooperate and show appreciation. It's a tough job to manage their care, especially if you don't have POA and if you are already suffering physically.

I'd read a lot about dementia, so you can try to not take what your mom is saying and doing personally. Then, I'd decide what the options are.

Your mom will need more intense supervision and care as her condition progresses. Is this something you can take on yourself? I'd consider all the options and then inform your sister of your decision. She could then make arrangements for your mom as her level of care increases.

Taking care of a person with dementia is really a job of 3 full time positions. I'd consider if it's feasible to do, considering you are already suffering physically. Maybe, your sister could help more, but, even with lots of help from one person, you'll still a lot more help as mom progresses. I'd ask sister what her plans are.
Helpful Answer (3)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.