My mother has mid-stage dementia and she is MEAN! How do we deal with this? - AgingCare.com

My mother has mid-stage dementia and she is MEAN! How do we deal with this?

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She has never been this mean before. She is nasty to my father and she is re-living the past. We're not sure how to deal with this. My father was an abusive alcoholic during a big chunk of their marriage (married 53 yrs) He has been sober for 30+ years and their marriage has been good. But she constantly dwells on the past and will not let my dad rest at all. He is ill (heart attack, pace maker, dialysis, diabetes) and we're concerned for both of them. When we try to reason with her she thinks we don't believe her and gets upset and says we all think she's stupid. HELP

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Terrified, thanks to all who have given great advice, encouragement, ideas, etc. with my mom, she is so stubborn at this point, she wont go to a her doctor or any doctor, she doesn't want me on her accounts or being appointed to be Power of attorney, one good thing is that she does have everything ready for her funeral, all I have to do is buy the flowers and set the date, when that day comes (sad to say hoping soon) for my sanity (thankly dad is already gone and in the grave and all is done for him). I know it shows a lot of hatred(I've been told this is normal) also been told its not hatred its Hurt!! I believe its both at this point and for me its hard to let go of both words and feelings. I am now trying to ignore or let it go if she says something hurtful or hateful or totally off the wall at me. Luckily the caregiver is there during the day, if I come home from work and mom is resting I will just step in talk with the caregiver give instruction to let mom know I was here, let her know I asked about how is she feeling etc, give meds/food/personal items and let mom know I got these for her etc. But once again the weekend is coming in which I have mom all to myself and its going to be hard to make it thru those days I just feel it but have no choice. so as I said at the beginning of this conversation thank you all again I look forward to all the support and well wishes.
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Dear Terrified,
This is a rotten time in the dementia cycle. My mom accused me of awful things too, (wanting to molest her, stealing her money and items, hitting her and throwing her on the floor, etc.). I thought I'd loose my mind. She was so mean and hateful that I had no idea what to do. I am her daughter and the only child too. I was able to have a will drawn up while she was only partially affected by the dementia and I became her Power of Attorney. Also, she put me on her bank accounts so I could pay the bills but also for making financial decisions down the road. With those two things in place, I've been able to help her with her life since progressing with the dementia.

All I can say is that this phase won't last forever. I had to finally put my mother in a memory care facility due to out of control confusion (wrapping up the phone in sheets and putting it in the closet, going down to breakfast at 3 am, etc.). The first few months in the memory care facility were h*ll for both of us. She became physically violent and hit and scratched me and also started urinating on the floor. The staff reassured me that it was normal and to leave her alone for a couple of weeks. She is now on an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication and is much more calm. She has also progressed to the next stage where there is not as much anxiety or frustration.

Have your mom's doctor examine her and write a letter of incompetence. Then consult an elder law attorney to find out what your rights are and what you can do for her. Look for a memory care facility for her. It doesn't get better, it only gets worse. Don't wait till the last minute to find out what your options are, like I did. (I was in denial.)

Remember, she doesn't want to be this way but the disease eats the brain and they are completely altered in their thought process. Use this board for information and support. Good luck and God bless you both.
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Absolutly terrified of mom, all these stories of how mean your moms are , is exactly what i'm going thru, mom diagnosed with dementia/onset alzheimers disease, stage 2 kidney disease, and lymphoma of the stomach, always want to argue about everything under the sun , especially Money, her money that's taking care of her bills and her caretaker, but no she blames me(her daughter-only kid) which has been called everyone else except being her daughter, she believes I've stolen money, so money comes to me it pays the caregiver who takes care of her and her bills, I've taken over her checkbook cause shes too shaky to write anymore, however I have also taken on 4 or 5 of her bills paying out of my paycheck but she will not believe it, she yells and states you stoled money from and I better get it all back, I don't know how to deal with her anymore, she upsets me to the brink of running away or worse. my dad passed away back in October 2016, july of 2016 is when she started fighting me so bad I couldn't stand to be around either of them and then she went into the hospital in February of 2017 and she dealt the hospital, nurses and me and my fiance' horribley she doesn't think she says bad things to hurt or damage people and if you try to talk she states your yelling at her althought she cant her half the time. I don't know what to do anymore except stay away but then I get it for that too.
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I feel for you! My mom had an aneurysm rupture 3 years ago and has a lot of issues due to the brain damage. She's on Aricept and Namenda, and they actually do help. But, she still has similar problems to your mom. I have 2 brothers who she used to support, but she can't now. I'm her conservator, and I make sure that she's clothed, fed, housed, has her medications, gets to the doctor, etc. She lives with me (along with my dad who is also disabled - they've been divorced for 20+ years - and my 3 kids and husband). When I won't comply with her demands to give my brothers money (one's in jail, the other is on drugs), she gets very verbally abusive and starts ranting about how I'll know how she feels when my kids are on drugs one day and that she hopes I pay for what I'm doing to her, etc., etc. It's a lot of fun, but like someone else said, you just need to ignore it. I have started leaving the room. She is partially paralyzed and can't move quickly, so I run to another part of the house, shut and lock the door so she can't follow me. She calms down eventually and acts as if nothing happened.
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WOW sounds just like my mom, My dad did some things that my mom started bring up to me I was surprised to here. but she would fight with him all the time my dad was also very ill and it would take a lot out of him. He passed away and my mom would still bring the things up that he did. The Dr did put her on another med. to go with her arecept and it help I don't know the name of it. I also noticed that food would help with her anger and sleep. When she had a bad night of sleep she would be more angery
Best of luck it is very hard to be around :(
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Do whatever you can to NOT argue. Much, much easier said than done, I know. My mom will usually rant for an hour or so, then move on and be sweet or funny or something else. But that's her, not your mother. I do know her episodes were longer when we tried to reason with her during them. Maybe your folks can't live together anymore. I have read elsewhere of people's spouses or parents who got enraged when the spouse (or an adult child who looks like the spouse) came around, and so the solution was for that person to rarely come around. But perhaps meds or just trying not to contradict her will help before such a drastic solution. Best of luck.
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Thanks for your answers. Yes, my dad has apologized 1000+ times. She really has pent up anger toward him. It's worse by the day. They have not slept in over 24 hours because she will not stop arguing. My sister has been there since this morning. When my brother left at 5 am, they were arguing. We have an appt w/her dr. this Monday. Fingers crossed he can come up w/a miracle!
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Tkeg1, sounds like your mother has a lot of pent up anger at your dad, and now that the built in filter in her brain that tells her to not say things has been damaged, she's letting it all fly. If she were still lucid, you could ask her point blank "mom, how long does someone have to pay for the mistakes they made while they were younger and stupid?' 'How long must it be dredged up over and over again?'. Has your father ever sat her down and told her how sorry he was for his behavior earlier in their marriage? Maybe it's too late, I don't know.
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My mother was taken to her physcian, diagnosed with dementa but screamed at him that she refused to take the medication her perscribed , has accused me for taking her appt keys, thinks someone sleeps in her apppt at night Other times she just as lucid as can be. Currently she thinks someone stole all her Christmas Presents but won't let the aides help look.
She also thinks I've lost my mind and that I'm crazy.
Does anyone have words of wisdom for me? It hurts so much to see her be with me yet not there at all.
Thanks for listening.
meri she's blamed me for stealing her keys, thinks someone sleeps in her recliner at nights
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The article on this sight about trying to re-direct with old familiar settings might be helpful. Aroma thereopy like a sent from the "good" times that might evoke a positive response or talk about a hobby or past time she knows well. Keep calm always, do not get load or angry back. Trying to reason at this point really doesn't work because that requires short term memory. We let my Dad know we love him and that he is safe and cared for talking calmly and touching in a gentle way.
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