Mother has dementia and is VERY belligerent. How do I deal? - AgingCare.com

Mother has dementia and is VERY belligerent. How do I deal?

Follow
Share

I've talked with you folks before. We placed my mother in a nursing home. However, she is VERY belligerent. She is constantly threatening my wife and I with lawsuits etc. She has had some very serious health issues along with the dementia. I have seen a definite decline since she has been at the nursing home with regard to her dementia; not her physical care. I've been reluctant to visit her since she is so hostile. I haven't seen her in six weeks. This upsets me, but I am not sure what to do as each time we interact she threatens to call lawyers to get "control back". She keeps demanding services from the nursing home's lawyer, but luckily, the nursing home's social worker seems to have gotten through to her. While she was in the hospital at Christmas, she was delirious and called 911 from her hospital bed because she thought "she was in a dumpster and Chinese people were holding her down; and that the nurses (who were pushing cardiac telemetry units) had cash registers". Any thoughts on how to deal with the belligerency?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
33

Answers

Show:
1 3 4
To help you deal with it better think of them as a child. Basicly thete are turning back into being a child. When I was in my early 20' s I has a 1yr old child and a Grandmother who had dementia I n9ticed every time I sang the AbC's to my baby my grandmother would join in . From the day foroward I would teach her right along with my child all the way up until my child was 4.It helped my family deal with it better..I really hope this advice helps you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Sometimes we ache because our parent is not who they used to be. We need to comes to terms with that and accept who they are now. Many times people with dementia do not remember the "recent" past but they do retain memories of their "distant" past. Play music from her teens and early 20's. Bring pictures of her family and friends and talk of those times. With dr.'s permission bring her a treat that she used to have and love. My dad loved chocolate shakes so it was easy to swing by a fast food place and grab one on the way to visit him. Remember as your family member experiences the effects of dementia they also experience fear. Fear of their surroundings, fear of strangers,.... Focusing on things they can remember from their past might bring them comfort.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Tesora I absolutely agree with you becoming a mother does not change a woman's personality. Yes many will defend their young often to the detriment of the ofspring. Some do face incredible odds raising their kids in poverty and sacrifice everything to pull those kids out of the ghetto and find them an education. Othersflush them down the toilet at birth or continue with their promiscuoius habits in full view of the children and smoke their pot where the kiddies can inhale it. Some lock the kids in the house at night and go out to the practice the worlds "oldest profession" A few have been known to drive their kids int oa lake when they get in they way of Mom's ambitionsThen there are the wonderful mothers who have everything and take the little darlings to play dates and birthday parties and get intoxicated.
Where an individual mother fits into the scheme of things is purely chance, but is one of the few things over which the individual has no control.
Many people have wonderful child hoods and take on the caregiving roll out of pure love and take the almost inevitable abusive behaviour in the later stages of dementia with good grace. Many are thrust backwards into the careging roll for a parent who never loved or took care of them and may have frankly abused them. For these caregivers there is confusion and very hurt feelings. They can not believe when they are virtually giving up their lives, often marriages, careers and livehood for some nasty old man or woman their parent could at least be civil to them.
The answer is they can't.
Whatever character the elderly previously had it is destroyed by this horrendous disease. Some caregivers are able one way or another to tolerate their positions, others just can't finish the job often because of their own ill health or plain stress.
Becoming a caregiver may be a calling or it may be thrust upon mostly woman. A few men are also able to persform these duties but usually have a very different approach because they are more able to seperate their duties from their emotions.
Women tend to cry or write here to vent whereas men are more likely to take their frustration out by chopping firewood.
There is no way to prepare for this because you don't see it comming. you realize your parents are getting older but never dream they are actually covering for each other. one can still write the chesks and do the taxes whereas the other can still keep the house clean and cook as long as the spouse keeps an eye on the stove. this happened to my own in laws dad remained mentally alert but Mom needed supervision. Mom could change the diapers with no problem but gave up driving she could still do the things she was good at as long a dad was there to keep an eye on things. Once Dad died it became very clear that her dementia was quite far advanced not just simple absentmindedness which Dad had to remind her of. she only stayed home a few weeks then had to be placed and was well on the way to a secure facility before she died. She had vascular dementia and obviosly been having small strokes for many years. she was never nasty to family just annoying but we were told she attached a nurse with her walker.
I am sure ElenasEldercare is a fantastic facility where any older person would recieve wonderful care and love.I visited the web site and the pictures are beautiful. the meals sound delicious and the activities keep everyone busy but what happens when one of the residents becomes violent are they invited to leave? Clearly many remain for the remainder of their lives but someone dying from COPD is very different from one with ALZ where their disease is so unpredictible.. I am not questionig Elena's training or experience because I know nothing of her career but I write this in suport of all those unlucky caregivers who areat the end of their ropes, fighting fatigue, mental and physical abuse at the same time they are trying to make sense of "The system" and keep their heads above water. To you all love, blessings hugs and chocolate and anything else your heart desires - even a day off.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

ElanaElderCare, you mentioned that "There is still loving mother somewhere deep inside, who raised you and gave you all she could. She loved you unconditionally and now it's your time to remember it, because she can't.... " I do definitely respect your opinion and experience, but unfortunately, it doesn't apply in my case. I believe Ashley is in a similar situation. Sometimes, the relationship with the mother isn't ideal, doesn't include loving unconditionally, and includes a lot of dysfunction going back to our childhoods. Dementia can make all those things much worse. For someone who hasn't experienced it, it is really hard to fathom: "What do you mean your mother didn't love you unconditionally?? Isn't that what mothers do??" But for some of us, that is our reality. As our narcissistic elders lose control over their faculties, they panic, because CONTROL is what it has always been all about. I fully expect that belligerence, lies, and threats could all be part of my experience going forward. So just a gentle correction that for some of us unlucky ones, she really didn't "do the best she could", and for some of us, dementia only exacerbates an already nasty personality.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Shryl, In the elderly, especially in elderly women, often only symptom of a uti is altered mental status, i.e., new behavioral symptoms. I'm not sure anyone knows what the causal link is, but if new symptoms appear, it's the first thing that should be checked. NH staff generally know this, most general practise doctors do not.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Hi,
I recommend you start by becoming familiar with the services and benefits available to your mother. Assisted Living facilities are costly and generally only accept private payments. It sounds like your mother could benefit from having Medicaid as that will open the door for her to receive services like home care, if that is an option your family wishes to consider. To find out if your mother is eligible for Medicaid.I know one of the Home Care Agencies in Ottawa.The agency is called the ByTown Home Care Services. They provide free care consultation.When you call, you basically want to inquire about available services for your mother's situation as well as family caregiver resources. There website is : bytownehomecare I hope this information was helpful. Good Luck.

I hope this information was helpful. Good Luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I'm not sure when you say that the threats are "real". Certainly they are real to her, but are they to anyone else but to her, and hurtful to you? In other words, her disease talks and you feel as though it's your mom talking? I totally understand that, my husband was in EXACTLY the same situation a year or so ago, and no amount of what anyone told him eased the hurt of his mom yelling at him, calling APS at him and telling him that she was going to write him out of her will. But you know what? She died (starved herself to death, because she didn't want to live the way she was living) and he has a much better relationship with her in his head, because he distanced himself from her when she became abusive. I've posted elsewhere on this site that when it became clear that she was very close to death, I insisted that he go to see her one more time, by which time the psychiatric drugs had kicked in and she was calm and non-beligerent; or maybe she'd just moved on to the next phase. Dear man, please don't beat yourself up; don't go see her if she's yelling at you; I think that's as bad for her as it is for you. Be well, Barbara in Brooklyn.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

What is it about a UTI that has a bearing on mental issues??
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My mother is in a great facility. They are very aware of her dementia. They have a full dementia unit, but they do not believe my mother is ready to go there just yet. She has been checked for a UTI multiple times. The threats are very real and directed at me. Anyway, thank you for the input.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

From my limited experience I can recommend she be checked regularly for UTI, and start hospice services ASAP for both her and the family.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

1 3 4
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions