My mother has dementia. Her husband is neglecting and exploiting her.

Take him to court.

Loveyy, I am so very, very sorry you are facing this. How disheartening!

It sounds like this is a marriage of long-standing. Your mother, an intelligent, educated woman, chose to stay in it in spite of abuse. Her choice. And now you are all dealing with the consequences of that choice. It sounds like you have done the logical things to address this -- social workers, police, etc. If you haven't tried APS, I'd give that a shot. But ultimately you may not be able to override the choices your mother made when she was of sound mind.

I am so sorry. Please keep in touch here and let us know if you have some success. We learn from each other.

Loveyy, you need to consult a lawyer in your mother's state of residence about your specific questions. You will need to pursue legal guardianship with proof of abuse to present to a court. Most courts do not like to give legal guardianship to someone who lives out of state - you will be looking at having to move your parent to a facility near you AFTER she is deemed incapable of taking care of herself. You CANNOT get her pension and social security check from her husband - a legal relationship recognized by state and federal government - without the legal guardianship. A lawyer will help you get a plan of action put together and be familiar with the process for documenting abuse etc and working with APS. If your mother is not completely incapacitated, it may be a long, difficult and expensive process to make it happen.

Thank you. I spoke with a certified guardian in my mothers state today and I will be in touch with the attorney she recommended tomorrow. I was assured that there will be no question of her incapacity and his neglect/abuse/exploitation, the PD has generated reports for the past year and through the proceedings the attorney will be able to subpoena bank records for the past 5 years. I feel such relief although the hard work lies ahead. I am grateful for this forum. I've learned a lot in a short period of time.

Who is your mother's guardian?

Her husband !!! He refuses our inquires about finances and moving mom to a home. He's paranoid that we will come into the house while he's away and rummage through financial documents so he will not call one of her children to be with her when he leaves her for hours and hours nearly every day.

She worked as an engineer and has an excellent pension with benefits. He has very little as he would not hold down the same job long enough. Without her he will have nothing.

I am painfully aware that her co-dependence with her abuser is what has brought her to this pivotal point. Despite the fact my siblings and I begged her to leave him decades ago but she could not make that choice, we cannot watch this neglect unfold and say she's got what she deserved. It's very difficult not to blame the victim for her weakness but I have moved beyond that because it is not useful. She needs an intervention now.

What would we need to do to get him into court?

I've contacted Adult Services. They have received the police report regarding her leaving home and being found on the sidewalk. They said they will re-open the case, (they were called in a year ago), apparently giving instructions for in-home care which my mother's husband canceled because he didn't want to pay for it. I am out of state. I'm completely confused about what should be happening on their end now? I've checked with the state about guardianship/conservatorship of my mother and her finances. Does anyone know how you go about getting her pension and ss check from him so we can arrange for her care?