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I took care of my mother 3 years ago and took two months off of work, losing pay, to do so. She does not take care of herself and does not listen to anyone, she is very headstrong . It ruined our relationship to the point where I don't call as often or go visit for fear that I will be sucked into something. My father is 70 and should be retired, but he is very energetic and runs a business that is busy during the summer. This means that he has to go out of town. My mother wasn't expected to survive a hospital stay in May after they took her off a vent. Surprisingly, she did okay and went home under hospice care, having recently been released from hospice care and on her way to "getting better." She says what the doctors want to hear during her appointments and acts like she has it all together, but then gets home and doesn't do anything to better herself. Now my father is going out of town for work and he is asking my aunt and myself to spend the night at his house with my mother just in case. My response was that if he didn't feel confident leaving her he shouldn't be leaving town. He didn't answer that comment and instead tried to say how great she was doing, and how mom may not even need someone with her in the next 10 days when he leaves town. So he asked if I could stay one night and if my aunt could stay another. I told him he wasn't giving me a choice, even after I told him two months ago that I was not going to be her caretaker again. I have numerous health issues myself, and it angers me to see her not taking care of herself and constantly being catered to. I try day in and day out to better myself and work 40 hours a week while Mom gets to sit home and do nothing. I'm sure it's a miserable life, but at the same time she does nothing to better her health. She is a queen and is used to everyone catering to her and I can't be that person as I'm getting up in years myself.

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Thanks, everyone. I have always used the quote, " Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on mine!" The entire situation angers me because I don't like seeing how my mother continues to NOT take care of herself. She's 72 in a few weeks and looks like a bag of bones. I've tried for 5 years to get her to change her diet and add more protein, fruits and veggies. She won't listen to anyone. Drinks an Ensure Clear and thinks she's good for the day, with some cheese and crackers and a slice of pizza. I am also angered because I willingly gave up my time and 2 months salary in 2016 to care for my mother. So, been there, done that. I couldn't get away fast enough. Mom is disrespectful and a know-it-all. She's always been very critical of me and I'm not taking it anymore. Everyone expects family to rally around and help during tough times. I agree and I did that. Once. In 2016. And I got burned. Someone else's turn now. I'm going to take care of myself.
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Good for you!!!
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You told him 2 months ago NO. Stick to it and let him figure it out.

If he gets upset tough, he doesn't want to change anything for his wife, hes the one that promised to love and protect through sickness and health, time he honor that promise and stop trying to make others responsible.

I have a difficult time helping anyone that won't do all they can to be as well as possible. It's completely unfair to ask others to care more about you than you do.

I would not explain anything to either of them. No is a complete sentence and you are a grown woman that is entitled to her own decisions and choices.
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Cindy, stick to your guns.

You say if your father isn't confident your mother will be okay, he shouldn't be leaving town; and you are right. Not without putting a reliable, proper care structure in place, he shouldn't, anyway. Roping in family members here and there for the odd night is not a proper care structure, it's a seat of the pants job.

So never mind whether you or your aunt happen to be free that day, happen to be around, happen to be willing to be cajoled into it. This is about your father's taking responsibility for planning his wife's care before he goes off on his jaunts.

Good for him for keeping busy! Good for him for maintaining his individual life alongside caregiving, and being prepared to delegate. Those are all good. Just one more thing: he needs to delegate to appropriate people, and you ain't them.
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You keep giving into your parents. You said "No" 2 months ago, and then acquiesced for "one night" - which is turning into 2 nights - and so "No" does not mean "No" at all. How are you going to change this dynamic?

Learn to establish healthy boundaries. Telling your father to hire help for *his* business trip might be a good start. Is your dad paying you to stay with your mom while he goes off earning money?
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Chances are that your mother is in her late 60s, which is not old. She should be doing her best to cope herself with whatever health issues she has. Your father has obviously ‘enabled’ her, while managing to live his own life the way he wants. Now he wants you to prop the situation up. If you do that, nothing will change for the better, only for the worse. If things start to be a nuisance for him, he might rethink how he lives with your mother – which might be a great idea for everyone. No No No is the Go. And help your aunt to say No, too.
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No, I am unable to do that. No more discussion.
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Bounce bounce hair pull gnash froth - !

WHAT have YOU got to feel guilty about???
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Dad can hire someone to sit with Mom. I think, though,he is not listening and u may have to spend a night.
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Cindy14 Jun 2019
I'm going to help this one time (yeah, right...). We have a friend who is a day nurse that Mom likes, but other nurses through an agency were kicked out by Mom during her first few days home. Father was too busy to speak to the agency or hospice. After that first week of taking numerous calls, I gave them my father's number. I lost my husband years ago to cancer and made lifestyle changes to accommodate him during his last few months. My husband was my responsibility and I had no help caring for him because he was only 28 and everyone was in denial or thought I could handle it. Why can't my father do the same and make a lifestyle change? All he puts first is his business and I'm tired of his responsibilities trickling over to me and my aunt. My only sibling left the circus years ago and moved away because my mother was so difficult.
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Cindy, read ur response to me.

You, and maybe Aunt can back u up. need to tell Dad , this is ur last time. You have already taken care of a DH with no ones help. You had to change ur lifestyle to accomadate ur husbands illness. Your Dad will need to change his lifestyle for his Wife. He, like u, took vows. In sickness and in health. Mom is his responsibilty. You have to work for your future. He has had his "future". He cannot rely on u for everything. He needs to set up care in the future.
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Dad texted me today saying he'll be in town Monday night, so I don't need to stay over. I called him and he heard how sick I was, said he didn't think I should be around Mom. My Aunt is still staying the second night. I feel so relieved.
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