I am 72 years old and in very good health, physically and financially. My 98 year old mother lives about 5 miles from me and is in fair health. She allowed her grandson (my nephew) to move in with her several years ago. It's a one bedroom apartment and he sleeps in the living room. She enabled his alcoholism and never required him to work. She liked rescuing him and for the first 10 years she took care of him. Until the 2020 Covid pandemic he did odd jobs to earn drinking money. It's only in the last 2 years that having him there (in case she were to fall or have a medical emergency) has seemed like a positive thing (when he is sober). She is very low income (SSI, Section 8 housing). He is almost 50. They bicker quite a bit, mostly about her need to go to a care facility. He is delusional about future plans and is verbally and financially abusive. If she were to move to a care facility he would be homeless. He has no job skills and also has some health issues. She is ambulatory but was diagnosed with mild cognitive disorder about a year ago. She is rapidly now sliding down towards dementia--losing keys, very forgetful, repeating questions, etc. I have handled her bill paying from a joint account I have with her (which is only her money) for the past two years after she began writing checks w/o funds. After paying her bills I give her the remaining money for the month in cash--about $700. It is sufficient for her modest expenses, but she gives practically all of it to her grandson. He sees that as money he earns by being there. There is no accountability for how he spends it. I have caught him in many lies. He does do some grocery shopping. He also spends money on alcohol fast food, and his truck expenses (I foolishly bought truck which Mom can't even get into, a couple years ago). She gets some meals from her health insurance and they live close to food bank type charities. If they run out of food, I buy what they need. They grab paper supplies from the apartment building laundry room and borrow money from neighbors because they run out of money before the end of the month. I visit her for a few hours every week, but it is very unpleasant to be around the nephew. I take her to all her doctors appointments and occasionally out for a meal or shopping and once a year to visit her son out of town. I also order things online for her. My mother and nephew both expect me and my husband to contribute financially to my nephew since his being with her has meant that we were relieved of some of her need for our attention and/or hired in home care. She insists that she wants to stay at her apartment till the end, but she refuses to allow caregivers from her health insurance plan, saying she doesn't need help. She refuses to use alert device, walker or cane. When nephew is drunk he calls me and berates me for neglecting my mother, living a good life (which we worked hard to earn) and for the fact that he has not lived a normal life. I am at the point that I am considering trying to extricate myself from all of this, maybe even petition to have her made a ward of the court. We are in California. If I get off the bank account, she would have to open another one and couldn't handle it anyway. I resent my mother for putting me in this situation. If nephew left I would gladly pay for part time in home care for her there in addition to what her insurance would provide as well as spend a lot more time with her. Her moving in with me is no longer an option. Now I just hate going over there and visit a lot less than I used to. I also wonder if I am aiding my nephew in financially abusing my mother by just giving her cash which I know she will just give to him. If I didn't give it to her what should I do with it? Unfortunately, I also know that she would miss him terribly if he were to leave. Maybe I should call Adult Protective Services? I did that a couple years ago, but things were better then and they said there was nothing they could do.
Safety is a complex thing to determine. Emotionally she would be traumatized by a move or my nephew leaving. She had heart attack once previously that came about during a stressful argument. As for physically, she takes pretty good care of herself. It was a benefit that nephew was there 2 years ago when she had influenza and needed to be taken to the hospital. I had talked to her the same day by phone, but didn't realize how difficult her breathing had become. He was the one who called 911. I haven't been using any of my own money any more for the nephew in over a year. Taking a step back as you suggest will definitely ease my stress. Hopefully it will make them understand that I mean what I say and that they need to make plans for their lives that don't involve me throwing away money. I've talked to an attorney, a nursing home admissions administrator, and to her doctor and apartment manager recently and am taking rational steps now to document the situation as well as her need for a nursing home.
My mom lived with us for a couple years 22 years ago, but she applied for government subsidized apartment because she preferred to have her own place. In retrospect I think the ability to have the nephew stay with her was part of that. About 5 years ago I cleared everyone else's stuff out her old bedroom anticipating that she might want to move in, even buying a portable commode. I encouraged her many times to come and spend a night or a weekend or week to re-familiarize with living here. She never would. At this point neither I (nor my husband) would be willing for her to move here.
The nephew's dad (my brother) has recounted to me all the ways that our mom has been enabling his son for decades. It is pathetic.
She is on Medicaid/ MediCal and qualifies for a government paid place. The money I have been disbursing to her is all her own money, not mine. It's been over a year since I provided any money without reimbursing myself out of her next month's income.
One problem I didn't mention was my multiple attempts in the last 6 years to get her fitted with hearing aids and to get her to wear them, something she also refused. It is exhausting trying to communicate with her with a loud voice and much repeating.
Until the pathway is clearer, it may be useful to chop at some of the issues that are within your control.
"He is delusional about future plans and is verbally and financially abusive."
Delusional/denial. That's in the CAN'T DO anything about pile.
Verbally abusive: sadly CAN'T.
Financially abusive: CAN. You are now ceasing or reducing cash & paying more bills direct, is that right? (Nephew is not going to like this change - it may get ugly).
I wonder if alerting the service that will do Mom's medical eval can be done? To advise that a live-in relative will require his own Social Worker & social support.
Depending on the Nephew's age & circumstances he may qualify for some sort of low-income housing himself now? While this is up to him - having a Social Worker service intro themself to him could be something on your CAN list??
The hardest part of this is that my mother wants him there. I also feel betrayed in that she considers his needs and feelings more important than anything or anyone else. She has 5 other grandchildren (3 are mine), and her obsession with rescuing that one definitely has affected everyone else. Yes, she should understand the need to do this, but she does not want to. My brother (his father, who wasn't the best dad to him when he was little, but improved as they got older) calls them two peas in a pod because of their long history together and same delusional ideas about life.
Your Mother has made this choice. Many parents and grandparents give all of their attention to their weakest children and grandchildren in their struggles. The gene for parental nurturing can go a bit whacky when children/grandchildren are floundering. Bad choices and enabling are the result.
Had your mother wishes help and support and education, I must assume she has known all about Al-Anon. I assume that you do also. Please attend meetings where you will get support, ideas, community, and learn very quickly that you are helpless in this situation and must let it go and get on with a good quality life for yourself. These choices aren't yours to make for your mother; they are her choices. Your choices are FOR YOUR OWN LIFE and you are responsible for them.
Calling APS is another but nothing will happen if they show up and your Mom looks fine and she says she's fine, even if he's drunk. If she looks fed and cared for, doesn't have bruises or injuries, and seems to be mostly there cognitively then most likely nothing will come of it.
Stop giving her the cash. Put all her bills on auto pay through her checking account and remove all paper checks from her apartment. Freeze her credit so he can't take out loans or credit cards in her name.
You can talk to a faith-based facility that has Medicaid beds and see if they would assess her as being a candidate for LTC, which can be 100% covered by Medicaid plus her SS income, when she qualifies.
Please do not pay for any facility for her -- it is unbelievably expensive and will be unsustainable. It will rob you of funds for your own future care.
Maybe plan to take her out for a day, then move her in to your home and tell her it's temporary because the apartment is being renovated, or fumigated, or whatever therapeutic fib she will believe. If she has a phone then block grandson's number or delete it. Not sure what would happen if you stopped paying her lease. If she wonders why he isn't calling her you can make up some story.
Your Mom needs a PoA. You can download this paperwork through services like Legalzoom or Rocketlawyer. I did this for my MIL and my own Mother with no problem. Once she has this in place you will be able to protect her and keep the grandson away from her, whether she likes it or not, but for her own good.
If the parasite grandson loses his host, he can go live at the Salvation Army or Adult and Teen Challenge to check himself into rehab. Whatever he does, it's not your problem and if you make your Mom's care decision based on sympathy for him, you are also an enabler.
I wish you success. Please come back and give an update or ask more questions for further guidance.
However, I feel here that stepping back needs careful planning. While the newphew would benefit from AA, this is his to do when/if ever ready.
I am concerned for your Mom, being an elder living in potential risk. I think the suggestion to contact Al-Alon is good. Another idea could be to ask guidence from your faith leader (if you are religious) or a Social Worker that works with elders.
The goal may be to help your Mom more in line with your values. But step back in a staged way, so not to increase any risks to her.
Perhaps attending some Al-Anon meetings will better help you understand your role in this sick and twisted situation and open your eyes to what enabling looks like.
Bottom line, your mother is living in an unsafe environment whether she realizes it or not, and it really doesn't matter that she wants to stay in her apartment until the end or not as she now needs to be placed in the appropriate facility where she will be looked after 24/7 and won't have to put up with her alcoholic grandson.
And you do not need to spend one penny on her care as you and your husband will need your money for your own care down the road. Your mother can apply for Medicaid if needed though it sounds like she may already be on it, which will help her get placed in a Medicaid facility.
You now have to do what is best for your mother and her care, and not worry about your nephew as he will just have to figure things out on his own. Perhaps when everyone stops enabling him, he may just decide to get help for his alcoholism, and get his life back on track. One can hope anyway.
And if your nephew truly cares about his grandmother and not just her money, he can come and visit her at the facility, but I wouldn't hold my breath on that one as all he's seeing her as now is his piggy bank.
It certainly can't hurt to call APS again and make it very clear as to what is going on, and make sure not to sugar coat anything, and hopefully this time they will decide to step in.
I've started taking more pro-active steps to get 3rd parties involved (See my replies to others). It's amazing how a little 100 lb woman could have had so much power over me. I take responsibility now for letting her. I have to work on my own co-dependency issues and muster up the strength to stand up to her. I appreciate your hopeful comments. She is on Medicaid and qualifies for program that will pay for her housing and care. Wait list is forever, but if there is an emergency they will place her right away. She was hospitalized 2 years ago with influenza, but was released to go back to her apartment. If she gets hospitalized again, I will not transport her back to her apartment again. I'll insist on a facility.
You don't have to support your mother's decision to continue to live in her apartment. Tell your her you are taking a step back because you do not agree with this living arrangement because she is living with an alcoholic who cannot be relied on to help her and you are not going to enable this situation any longer. Just don't give her any more money.
Would you be willing to have your mother live with you? It's either that or placing her in a facility at this point. Your nephew cannot be trusted to act in your mother's best interest. Her safety and well being are what is important here.
Your nephew needs to figure out what he needs to do to save himself. He is not your responsibility. You can't fix his alcoholism for him, sad to say. Your mother didn't do this man any favors enabling him for all these years.