My mother has Alzheimer's and she was there when dad passed, but is now asking if we're going to see him. Should I take her to his funeral?

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My daddy passed away today. My mother has Alzheimer's and she was there when he passed. Later in the day my mom asked if we were going to see him today. I am afraid to take her to my dad's funeral cause I just don't know how she is gonna react. Any suggestions please?

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Dear Lovemydaddy,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on the loss of your beloved daddy. I'm very sorry for your pain and sorrow.

I don't know for sure everyone thinks so differently about these situations. Part of me thinks it might be too traumatic for your mom to go to the funeral given her condition.

I hope others will have more insight.

Sending all my thoughts and prayers.
My Mom did nearly the same thing.
She saw him the morning he died before the coroner came.
A week later she told me that it was OK for him to come home now..she wasn't mad at him any more.

She went to the funeral. Yet, a month later she was distraught ... told me he was selling her stuff! She sat out at the yard sale herself. She picked exactly what was being sold that day...yet later thought HE did that.

She never was able to remember he had died. I never forced that knowledge on her, and never avoided situations where it would be clear to her. Just another part of dementia
My sympathies to you. My mom was there when my dad died too. She was early stages dementia. She was at the funeral of course. But now 5 1/2 years later she does not remember any of it at all. I think I would still bring her just to make my own heart feel better. Which may be selfish, but if it was your partner in this life that died I think we all would want to be there. Even if we would forget the next day.
I'm so sorry about the loss of your father.

I think either option is alright: bringing your mom to the funeral or not bringing her to the funeral. It would depend on how progressed her Alzheimer's is, if you think she'll be able to sit through a solemn service and understand what's going on, if she still retains some of her social filters. You'll want to consider these things.

If you opt to bring your mom to the funeral it might help to have someone with you like a close friend or a sibling who can whisk mom away if there is any kind of behavioral disturbance from your mom. Consider sitting on the aisle so it will be easy for your mom to be led out of the service with little disruption.
There are no easy answers here. It's pretty clear your mother is past the point where her attendance at her husbands funeral is going to be good for anyone, IMO. It's just going to be very confusing with her with all the other people who aren't clued in on her situation asking her a bunch of questions, and the likelihood that she will experience the realization that her husband passed away over and over because she will keep forgetting it.

I have different feelings than other people in things like this. Again, IMO, don't ever do things just to make yourself feel better or because you think that is what is expected. Always do what is best for the most vulnerable person.
So sorry to hear of your father's death and the following grieving. Don't be surprised if Mom says all kind of wild things like she was never married or thinks she sees his picture int he paper or even if she loved him dearly he eat her every night, chaine her up in the clear, did not allow he out of the house without him. All kinds of things are likely to come out of her mouth as the disease progresses, but try not to argue with her. Just agree ad sympathize because she will have forgotten in a few minutes.
Taking her to the funeral is a difficult decision. if you decide to do that limit the time she is print. Maybe half an hour in the funeral home than have her taken home.
Try not to remind her of the reality as she will grieve as though she has heard the news for the first time.
Since it was her life partner, I believe she has the right to attend the funeral. However, as others have said, you may need to put her in an aisle where she can be whisked away in the event that her behavior becomes inappropriate or she begins to "act out." In that sense, it is a bit like taking a 4-year-old to a funeral. Some will be able to sit quietly for the duration and others will not.

You need to be the judge as to what your mother will be able to tolerate.

What may be easier on everyone is to take your mother to the "calling hours," but not to actual funeral/memorial service.
Dear LoveMyDaddy, My heart goes out to you. My father passed away in April, and Mom is the one with dementia. It is difficult to grieve, even now, while taking care of mom. You might find the same, so I hope you will find some quiet time just for yourself to process your loss. My mom came the to the funeral, and she understood and remembers more than I hoped. In doing so, it has helped when she has subsequently asked about where Dad is. We gently talk about what a great husband and father he has been, and how that when he was just too worn out to continue that she was his rock holding his hand and loving him. She remembers that, or pretends to. Either way it gives her peace to not worry about him. Of course this repeats sometimes multiple times a day. Whatever you do for the funeral, it is the right decision.

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