My Mother is getting in the way of my Father's care and pitting us siblings against each other. What's next?

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Even bad-mouthing me to my sisters. I've given a tremendous amount of time and effort to my parents, with my Mother undoing much of the work I've put in, such as cancelling appointments and not telling me, denying it, and saying "we don't need all of this". When we get to appointments, I find them cancelled.
Today, over the phone, she thought she was speaking with one of my sisters when she said that I am difficult to deal with. Hurt and angry, I told her she was speaking with me. She laughed... I said good bye and hung up.
I can deal with my father, but my mother has never been co-operative, and I am burnt out because of her.
She does have dementia, but has always been manipulative and critical. I don't have the patience required to deal with this.
How can I balance caring for my father with my mother's interference?

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Maybe a talk with ur fathers doctors. He and your mother could be put in a rehab or such facility. While there they could be evauated.
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Phillips has a pill despenser. I think u can put up to 10 days in it for the different times of day. Once loaded, can be locked. When its time for pills the thing tells u "time for your pills". Then the person pushes the button and the pills despense. If after a couple of tries and the button isn't pushed, you get a call. I've seen it demonstrated.
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2tents: So why doesn't she tell you that she's cancelled the appt.? That's a waste of time and gas!
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2tents, is it possible that whenever you or a sister comes to the house that your Mom will start acting up not wanting the Caregivers? Ask the Caregivers if they noticed this.

Whenever I was at my parents house my Mom became very rude to the Caregivers, like I mentioned earlier voicing her inner Donald.... like "is the fat one staying overnight?"..... oh dear, how embarrassing, but the Caregiver just smiled and took it in stride, in fact she put her finger to her lips to let me know don't say anything back to my mother.

But she said my Mom was last evening, in fact offering supper to the Caregiver plus breakfast. The Caregiver learned quickly not to help out with the cooking unless she saw something heavy Mom was lifting. Now, this is what the Caregiver was saying, don't know how true or to make me feel better.

The caregivers are saying that my Mom doesn't want to lose her independence, that it is her job to make meals and feed her husband, and to wash their own clothes. It would take a team of wild horses to get my Mom to move out of that house. And since my parents are still of clear mind, there isn't much I can do.
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2tents You are are a victim of the classic parent move called "Divide and Conquer." Mom wins control by keeping you all arguing amongst yourselves. So keep in touch with each other directly, ignore all the he said she said stuff that mom uses against all of you. Talk by phone or in person, texting is too easily misinterpreted, because the tone is in the mind of the reader. Kathy1951 is right on target. Meet without the parents. Develop a strategy. Know you are being played. Take turns meeting the MD's, show a united front. When mom throws out some divisive BS, tell her "Well we will all get together and talk about it" and don't offer something she can repeat and embellish.
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A phrase I sometimes use is "everyone has a right to go to hell in a manner of their own choosing". What this means is that when dealing with a nasty parent who is not doing what I want her to do, I have had to control myself and let go on comprehensively defining how I think her life should go. Inserting home health aids 24hrs or other things (even moving to AL) pretty much never works if the old person (or couple) is not on board somehow. Your goals can be smaller and more limited: find a way to get meds done by trying a few different things other than moving. Meet with parents and all children to present clearly what you want and make those ultimatums you choose to make together. Work your choices out among you children first. That part is hard work, but the most useful work of all. Write it down, and meet with them. Read it to them. It may be as short as 'we cannot tolerate Dad not getting his meds for cancer reliably'. We are going to insist that.....Or it may go much further to state that 'we want you to move to AL now because' and 'we aren't going to just keep watching this'...I think all kids should be at meetings like this. Even the renegades. It will save everyone a lot of time and money in the end.
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Having heard more about the situation (you are correct, the DVT is a much more critical problem) I would call APS, but also call dad's doctor to ask if s/he has any resources to offer about getting dad placed in a subacute setting while he's needing daily injections.

Read all you can about dementia on this site. I know it seems like your mom is now acting in a way that reminds you of your worst 8 year old self, and would have gotten you sent to your room or worse, but it's really the disease.
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Is this a situation where one would call Adult Protective Services and report an elderly person in danger of poor care because of elderly spouse who is too demented to be competent enough to deal with everything which would lead to asking APS to investigate this and do whatever they can do?
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RUTHSHELL, would you please start a new post with your question? More people will see it then.
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Grace, grace.
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