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Even bad-mouthing me to my sisters. I've given a tremendous amount of time and effort to my parents, with my Mother undoing much of the work I've put in, such as cancelling appointments and not telling me, denying it, and saying "we don't need all of this". When we get to appointments, I find them cancelled.
Today, over the phone, she thought she was speaking with one of my sisters when she said that I am difficult to deal with. Hurt and angry, I told her she was speaking with me. She laughed... I said good bye and hung up.
I can deal with my father, but my mother has never been co-operative, and I am burnt out because of her.
She does have dementia, but has always been manipulative and critical. I don't have the patience required to deal with this.
How can I balance caring for my father with my mother's interference?

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Maybe a talk with ur fathers doctors. He and your mother could be put in a rehab or such facility. While there they could be evauated.
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Phillips has a pill despenser. I think u can put up to 10 days in it for the different times of day. Once loaded, can be locked. When its time for pills the thing tells u "time for your pills". Then the person pushes the button and the pills despense. If after a couple of tries and the button isn't pushed, you get a call. I've seen it demonstrated.
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2tents: So why doesn't she tell you that she's cancelled the appt.? That's a waste of time and gas!
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2tents, is it possible that whenever you or a sister comes to the house that your Mom will start acting up not wanting the Caregivers? Ask the Caregivers if they noticed this.

Whenever I was at my parents house my Mom became very rude to the Caregivers, like I mentioned earlier voicing her inner Donald.... like "is the fat one staying overnight?"..... oh dear, how embarrassing, but the Caregiver just smiled and took it in stride, in fact she put her finger to her lips to let me know don't say anything back to my mother.

But she said my Mom was last evening, in fact offering supper to the Caregiver plus breakfast. The Caregiver learned quickly not to help out with the cooking unless she saw something heavy Mom was lifting. Now, this is what the Caregiver was saying, don't know how true or to make me feel better.

The caregivers are saying that my Mom doesn't want to lose her independence, that it is her job to make meals and feed her husband, and to wash their own clothes. It would take a team of wild horses to get my Mom to move out of that house. And since my parents are still of clear mind, there isn't much I can do.
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2tents You are are a victim of the classic parent move called "Divide and Conquer." Mom wins control by keeping you all arguing amongst yourselves. So keep in touch with each other directly, ignore all the he said she said stuff that mom uses against all of you. Talk by phone or in person, texting is too easily misinterpreted, because the tone is in the mind of the reader. Kathy1951 is right on target. Meet without the parents. Develop a strategy. Know you are being played. Take turns meeting the MD's, show a united front. When mom throws out some divisive BS, tell her "Well we will all get together and talk about it" and don't offer something she can repeat and embellish.
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A phrase I sometimes use is "everyone has a right to go to hell in a manner of their own choosing". What this means is that when dealing with a nasty parent who is not doing what I want her to do, I have had to control myself and let go on comprehensively defining how I think her life should go. Inserting home health aids 24hrs or other things (even moving to AL) pretty much never works if the old person (or couple) is not on board somehow. Your goals can be smaller and more limited: find a way to get meds done by trying a few different things other than moving. Meet with parents and all children to present clearly what you want and make those ultimatums you choose to make together. Work your choices out among you children first. That part is hard work, but the most useful work of all. Write it down, and meet with them. Read it to them. It may be as short as 'we cannot tolerate Dad not getting his meds for cancer reliably'. We are going to insist that.....Or it may go much further to state that 'we want you to move to AL now because' and 'we aren't going to just keep watching this'...I think all kids should be at meetings like this. Even the renegades. It will save everyone a lot of time and money in the end.
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Having heard more about the situation (you are correct, the DVT is a much more critical problem) I would call APS, but also call dad's doctor to ask if s/he has any resources to offer about getting dad placed in a subacute setting while he's needing daily injections.

Read all you can about dementia on this site. I know it seems like your mom is now acting in a way that reminds you of your worst 8 year old self, and would have gotten you sent to your room or worse, but it's really the disease.
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Is this a situation where one would call Adult Protective Services and report an elderly person in danger of poor care because of elderly spouse who is too demented to be competent enough to deal with everything which would lead to asking APS to investigate this and do whatever they can do?
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RUTHSHELL, would you please start a new post with your question? More people will see it then.
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Grace, grace.
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Sendme2help, THANK YOU. I was helped tremendously by your post, and by the others here who let me know I'm not alone in this new experience.
I have tried diligently to keep in my heart and mind that God wouldn't bring me to it if I couldn't do it. I just need to develop the skill-set and set healthy boundaries, while lowering my expectations of my parents' abilities.
Thanks to all of you who have brought a little bit of grace to my day. I am truly grateful for the kindness and understanding of complete strangers today.
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You deserve more of someone's time than this, I could not even type the words accurately. They will be posting to help you soon.
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On solution, and it is temporary, divide the two into two different living situations. You take charge of dad.
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P.S. you can learn as you go. What the xxx is wrong with that sister??? You posted, you care, you take the lead.
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2tents, No one is stuck here, it just seems that way. You can get on this site right now and have someone contact you concerning placing your parents. Try to get a place that has varied levels of care, and later an apartment for them together if that is possible. It is not good for you to lose anymore work time and continue to worry, be distracted. Try to aim for a two week trial in a recommended place. Tell them you are having the house fumigated, or something. Time is of the essence here. If is just not realistic to ask mom to give dad his injection. Sorry, it is just not ok. Wish I had more time to help you, but you have my support and sympathy for what you are going through. From personal experience, I now how it felt to me when someone was talking to me thinking they were talking to someone else about me. It was the illness, not your mom. It was the illness, not your mom.
Still, it hurts. Must let it go, right now, don't stew about it or even rehearse it. It is the disease, not her, not your mom.
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Babalou, you've got a fairly good read into the situation. Of course there is much more going with my father's health besides the melanoma, which honestly seems to be the least of our immediate concerns, believe it or not.
A DVT was recently diagnosed as well as a tumor in his bladder that will need surgery. He is on a short-acting blood-thinner, a sub-Q shot 1X daily. It needs to be administered at the same time everyday, and they both will forget sometimes, thus the daily reminder phone call from me.
My mother is severely hearing impaired and demented (forgetful, cognitive deficient, etc.) and VERY negative, moody and critical. She displays emotional reactions to nearly everything, and refuses to even try to listen, read or understand anything about these health issues my father is experiencing. She just wants it to all go away...
Meanwhile, 2 out her 3 daughters are losing time and money at work to come help them, while they become increasingly beligerent about not cooperating, In fact, they've almost gotten to the point of rebelling against our help.
I just don't have the energy to waste on this level of foolishness. Perhaps I need to coping build skills and learn new, effective ways to manage helping them.
They did decline all resources made available through the senior center. that certainly did not help! The 3rd sister was supposed to line up home care and other resources, but has completely dropped the ball and is incomminicado. No help at all to us.
So until we can find a facility for them to live out the remainder of their lives, we're stuck with this tremendous challenge. And I'm stuck with a mean Mom who acts like a spoiled nine year brat.
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I suppose dad was caring for mom when he fell ill?

So right now, it feels to me that dad is in the more acute "state of need". Can you get dad some home health csre, through his doctor? Would he agree to go yo an Assisted Living facility for a few months? Can he vome live with one of you temporarily while he's getting treatment?

Your mom sounds like the type ofvperson where it's going to have to get much worse til it gets better. Like she's going to have to refuse in home care, fall and end up in the hospital. And then the folks at the hospital will tell her in no uncertain terms that she can't go home.
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So you have 2 problems, dad with cancer, mom with dementia. People with dementia really can't live alone, not beyond the very early stages. I suppose dad was care
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Scapegoat and Fregflyer, it's like trying to push a rope, isn't it?
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I often wonder why parents are able to watch their adults children go thru so much stress and strain by caregiving for them. Do THEY not care? My mother has the money for paid care 24/7, but leaves it up to her kids (not all siblings are helpful) to sacrifice their life for her care. And getting nasty with me when I'm trying to help her all the time, and turning a sibling against me, wow, I still don't have the words for how painful that feels. I am going to follow some advice I have found on this fantastic site, and detach. Harder than it sounds but still have to try as there is no other option right now. I empathize with 2tents. Having your own mother bad mouth you to a sibling is cruel and very low. Same happened to me. It's like they regress to being bratty kids only you cannot just send them to their room. Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts on this site. It has helped me tremendously when I felt no hope.
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2tents, dealing with something similar here with my Mom [97] not wanting paid Caregivers in the house. It's an issue where I believe my Mom is feeling she is losing her independence as she wants to cook, clean, do laundry and doesn't want another female or male doing those things for her. Guess she wants to feel she's still Queen of the household.

I really though my parents would be safer with 24-hour caregiver service, Dad loves it, but not Mom.... so I am slowly cutting back the hours. Mom thinks I can come over to help, but that's not happening, not in my own elder stage of life :P

Yes, 2tents, my Mom's attitude also got so nasty with the Caregivers, even insulting them.... guess she's voicing her inner Donald :)

How I wish my parents would also go into sometime a retirement facility as this is slowly cutting my life short.
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Our grandmother is staying with one of her grand-daughters. We cannot afford to keep her and our electricity will be shut off in a day or two. Can you suggest where we can take her so she can received the help she needs.
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I do believe POA is in place with my sister. We have arranged for all medical offices to call either me or my sister regarding appointments, and now we call the day before to verify that the appointments remain standing.

My mother is my father's primary caregiver, but she is grossly incapable, forgetting to give him critical meds on time. I was calling with a reminder everyday, but Mom's attitude got so nasty that the frustration began cutting into my work performance, I stopped calling.
We do need to have someone stopping in to check that the meds are administered properly and on time, but this requires paying someone daily which long-term care insurance does not cover.

It's difficult having my mother stand in the way of my father receiving proper care. I do wish that they get into assisted living SOON so the burden will be lifted somewhat from me and my sister.
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Is your mother your father's primary caregiver? Do you have Medical POA for him?

If you do, you need to talk to you father's medical providers (the receptionists and nurses) and trll them that you mother has dementia and has no authority to cancel appointments.

I'm hoping that your dad has help and care at home other v than your mom.
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