My mother gets on my nerves.

Follow
Share

i am living with my mother and she has some health issues and but one just sticks out too far she is lazy she asks me to get her this get her that she will not let me sleep and I have been cussing and yelling and I can not seem to stop and she threatens to take my stuff away I am 36 years old also having some health issues and I can not take this any more and I am tired of helping her a lot I mean I do not mind but it is always all the time and she won't let up and back down and so I can not reason with her and I need to be alone what can I do my stepdad he does not live with us but he comes over every weekend and she does not ask him to get her things it's always me and so yea I am tired what can I do

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
9

Answers

Show:
Frustration and anger manifests as yelling and cursing and sadly, the response is abusive. You definitely do not want your temper with her to escalate into abuse - please please please get some help - therapy or guidance from the community. You both have needs that must be met and this is not working!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This is actually quite a tough one because you KNOW you need to be away but I suspect there are some underlying ties besides her being your mother, possibly finance, a home, possibly fear, obligation and guilt FOG (you will see that a lot on this site because it happens to most of us at some point). I imagine right now now you can't see any light at the end of the tunnel at all and sleep deprivation won't help that at all.

You certainly need some form of mediation so you can both speak freely without it escalating into a full blown argument (this is me who has a vile temper speaking so I do KNOW the difficulty that that causes) but perhaps there is a family member who can assist in that.

The one thing that does need to be emphasised (actually two things) are these.

A) If she doesn't use the faculties she has they will disappear - Use it or Lose it scenario

and

B) If she does lose her capability and you become ill from taking on too much who is going to do the caring then? because it ain't gonna be you!

Now on to her behaviour - DONT RUN TO HER BECK AND CALL

Let her rant but just walk away (preferably somewhere far enough that she can't hear you scream!) Get a lock fitted to your door and store your stuff away from her hands - you MUST have some privacy at your age.

If she draws you into an argument hold tight and repeat the same refusal word for word over and over and when it gets too much walk away. Speak softly and slowly to demonstrate to her that she is not getting to you. I am not going to do this Mum because you can, and it is either use it or lose it - keep repeating it in full cracked record mode and see what happens. You may be surprised.

Good luck hun you are going to need all your strength to keep it up but eventually it will hopefully pay dividends assuming she doesn't have a dementia - if she does then all bets are off, because you can rarely reason with people who have a dementia (depending of course on how advanced it is)
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You do not need to live with your mother. You choose to live with your mother. You are not the only person on Earth you can help her. You can, however, help yourself. You are not going to change your mother. You can only change your own behavior.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

We need a lot more information to answer this question well. From what was said, this is a classic codependent relationship. The relationships are usually not very healthy for either person involved. Jackie, by living with her and doing things for her, you are enabling her behavior. And I imagine you are getting back something from the relationship -- love? a home? I don't know what. The only way to help a codependent relationship is for each person to become more independent and set boundaries on what they are willing to do for the other. It is okay to help your mother. It is not okay to be a slave.

Why does your stepfather only come on weekends? That is an unusual marriage.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I'd explore what her issues really are. Do you attend doctor appointments with her? Have these issues been mentioned to her doctor? When a senior is acting disagreeable, demanding, unreasonable, unrelenting, etc. it could be due to some medical or mental reasons. I'd explore more about your mom. Is she is pain? Is she depressed? Does she have a sleep disorder? Does she have cognitive decline? Sometimes odd personality traits are the first signs that something is amiss. The fact that she's not letting you sleep also gets my attention. Does she stay up late into the night and do odd things? I'd make a list of what you have noticed. That will help the doctor. Hopefully, he can run tests and at at least rule some things out.

If it's just discord between the two of you, I'd try to get some help laying some ground rules with a counselor, if you have access. If the two of you have longstanding issues, I would think that an unbiased third party might be needed to bring you two together. If that's not possible, then, I'd consider getting your own place. Some people just don't function well under the same roof. If you stay, you may have to just develop a lot of patience and put up with her, since it is her house.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

What are your mom's health issues? She's awfully young to be needing your help. Why can't she take care of herself? Please tell us more about what you're dealing with.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

But why would she get up and do things herself when she can sit tight and demand that you do them for her instead?

Really, it is up to you. If you want her to get motivated, get better, have a nicer life; and if you want to have your own life and a peaceful, loving, mature relationship with your mother; then you have to make the changes happen.

So, the simplest and most certain way would be to move out. There might be other changes you could make, though - can you think of any?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Countrymouse well I could but you see she needs me and I need her and I love her we do sometimes get along but she is treating me like I am 12 people fight and throw fits she just needs to get up and do things her self
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You can move out.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.