Why am I the one my mother gets mad at when I am the only one doing everything for her?

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I was quite honest with my mom & one day on the way back from the doc I explained that the reason folks avoided her was because no one likes being manipulated and used. She totally denied any wrong doing & said "I don't do any of the terrible things you accuse me of". I said "OK mom whatever you say". The subject was dropped but she has been respectful and considerate since that day. Seems as though as long as she doesn't have to admit or appologize I can get through to her. That's fine with me. I don't need an appology but I can use a little cooperation & if this does it then so be it.
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I am learning not to let my Mom get to me this last visit she did not bring me to tears as the other times and I just avoid her as much as I can it is too late to change her at 91.
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Mothers who hurt their adult daughters who also hurt them as children do not love them. Mother's with personality disorders like borderline and narcissism do not hurt the ones they love the most because they don't know what love is, they hurt the ones who are the easiest targets to control with fear, obligation and guilt. Being a good daughter does not mean having to put up with abuse from a parent anymore than being a good wife means putting up with abuse from a husband. Being a good daughter does not mean sacrificing yourself and ___ on the altar of almighty mom or dad for neither one are God although they might think God died and left them in charge. Don't put up with their abuse and religious, spiritual terrorism if they used that shame and guilt game.
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Mothers who hurt their adult daughters who also hurt them as children do not love them. Mother's with personality disorders like borderline and narcisssm do not hurt the ones they love the most because they don't know what love is, they hurt the ones who are the easiest targets to control with fear, obligation and guilt. Being a good daughter does not mean having to put up with abuse from a parent anymore than being a good wife means putting up with abuse from a husband. Being a good daughter does not mean sacrificing yourself and ___ on the altar of almighty mom or dad for neither one are God although they might think God died and left them in charge. Don't put up with their abuse and religious, spiritual terrorism if they used that shame and guilt game.
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Hi I have been taking care of my mom for 10 years and lately; intensely for 10 months. I've been called every name in the book! I know it's hurtful, but I am told: first of all, you are supposed to be the daughter and she hasn't accepted (and maybe never will) that you are taking care of her, not the other way around. Second, she may be getting a little dementia? or some other illness that is frustrating her. Third, I have noticed that in many families there is a dynamic between mothers and daughters that always has been there. I am not saying that you have this with your mother; but maybe there is....? Fourth, my mother got physical with me (hitting, spitting) no real bodily harm but I wasn't going to take it. So, without retaliating; I contact Adult Protective Services and kept them apprised of my situation and got some helpful advice from them. Never hit back though! I hope you know that people do hurt the ones they LOVE the most :-(
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It could be that you are a co dependent like me! I think that in many families there is one child that is naturally a caring person, or very competent and this child gets everything dumped on him or her. 1. You could wear ear plugs so you won't hear the fussing.
2. Just walk away when she starts to rant. She doesn't need an audience. Tell her you are trying to help and then leave the situation.
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Today after the dr appt and we were on the way home, my mom got very mean and kept trying to pick a fight. Of course I took the bait and argued right back. Later I thought that while I was still fuming over our argument, she had probably forgotten it and was as happy as a clam. I think she is extra mean to me because she knows I will take it, where as my sister will tell her to be quiet. She thinks my sister hung the moon! That hurts. I'm going with the fact that maybe she is naturally frustrated and needs to vent and knows I will not leave her. I just need to learn not to take the bait and just smile and let her have her tantrum. It is freaking hard too. Good luck. Karen
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Thank you all for your support, it helps, blueskies the way you described how you felt is my exact emotions.
Thank you all for your comments and suggestions.
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Inever realized that I got the FOG all my life from my Mom that is one reason I got married at 22 I thought anything would be better than what I had at home and I did love my husband at the time-Grow you really hit it on the head for me -and we do well on the phone Mom and me but when we are together OMG I almost had to go out there because she hid the fact she was sick from my sister and the rest of us but let it slip out to me the day befor my sister was to leave on a trip they had planned for a long time and since my brothers do not feel they have any obligation except to occ. call it would have been up to me but she is better so I escaped the bullet for now. But for me it is too late to change things she is elderly and not in good health. But she did show others her winds of war side in her doc office she screemed at me so her acting the sweet little old lady role was shown as an act when I told my sister she was surprised she acted up that way in front of others.
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While you can't force someone with depression to take their meds anymore than people with bipolar who stop because of missing the mania, there are some suggested ideas but I can only remember one of them, i.e. "Do you remember what took place the last time you stopped taking your anti-depressant?"

People with any family member who has a mental illness or a personality disorder like borderline PD would benefit greatly from the free family to family course offered by NAMI affiliates possibly in your own county. Go to NAMI.org and look for an affiliate in your state. NAMI stands for National Alliance for Mental Illness.

Those with her worshipfulness queen bee mommy dearest chameleon type mom who is such a gracious lady to everyone else, but then an unholy wicked witch from the west with the rest just may have been in a relationship with someone that has an undiagnosed case of narcissism or borderline.

Boundaries are needed in every area of life to function well. I would suggest everyone on this site read the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend for there is a chapter about marital boundaries and taking care of elderly parents.

Another reason one child gets the anger/rage game is that they were chosen by mom years ago to have emotional buttons of Fear, Obligation and Guilt wired in that child for life. When mom pushes the button the adult child has like an auto reflex reaction and gears down emotionally back to being mommy's little girl or little boy all over again and mommy dearest's request is seen as one of God's commandments and on they go with blinders on very often with a wide and long wake of collateral damage behind them when they don't wake up out of the F.O.G. in time. The path to the dark side of parent/child relationships is Fear, Obligation and Guilt which results in great pain and suffering for many. The path to the healthy side of parent/child relationships is boundaries, mutual respect, correct recognition of being unique individuals unlike my MIL who told my wife "you are me", and functioning as the adult child of a mom or dad despite their wanting their little girl or little boy once again.
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