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I was quite honest with my mom & one day on the way back from the doc I explained that the reason folks avoided her was because no one likes being manipulated and used. She totally denied any wrong doing & said "I don't do any of the terrible things you accuse me of". I said "OK mom whatever you say". The subject was dropped but she has been respectful and considerate since that day. Seems as though as long as she doesn't have to admit or appologize I can get through to her. That's fine with me. I don't need an appology but I can use a little cooperation & if this does it then so be it.
Hope this helped.
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I am learning not to let my Mom get to me this last visit she did not bring me to tears as the other times and I just avoid her as much as I can it is too late to change her at 91.
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Mothers who hurt their adult daughters who also hurt them as children do not love them. Mother's with personality disorders like borderline and narcissism do not hurt the ones they love the most because they don't know what love is, they hurt the ones who are the easiest targets to control with fear, obligation and guilt. Being a good daughter does not mean having to put up with abuse from a parent anymore than being a good wife means putting up with abuse from a husband. Being a good daughter does not mean sacrificing yourself and ___ on the altar of almighty mom or dad for neither one are God although they might think God died and left them in charge. Don't put up with their abuse and religious, spiritual terrorism if they used that shame and guilt game.
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Mothers who hurt their adult daughters who also hurt them as children do not love them. Mother's with personality disorders like borderline and narcisssm do not hurt the ones they love the most because they don't know what love is, they hurt the ones who are the easiest targets to control with fear, obligation and guilt. Being a good daughter does not mean having to put up with abuse from a parent anymore than being a good wife means putting up with abuse from a husband. Being a good daughter does not mean sacrificing yourself and ___ on the altar of almighty mom or dad for neither one are God although they might think God died and left them in charge. Don't put up with their abuse and religious, spiritual terrorism if they used that shame and guilt game.
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Hi I have been taking care of my mom for 10 years and lately; intensely for 10 months. I've been called every name in the book! I know it's hurtful, but I am told: first of all, you are supposed to be the daughter and she hasn't accepted (and maybe never will) that you are taking care of her, not the other way around. Second, she may be getting a little dementia? or some other illness that is frustrating her. Third, I have noticed that in many families there is a dynamic between mothers and daughters that always has been there. I am not saying that you have this with your mother; but maybe there is....? Fourth, my mother got physical with me (hitting, spitting) no real bodily harm but I wasn't going to take it. So, without retaliating; I contact Adult Protective Services and kept them apprised of my situation and got some helpful advice from them. Never hit back though! I hope you know that people do hurt the ones they LOVE the most :-(
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It could be that you are a co dependent like me! I think that in many families there is one child that is naturally a caring person, or very competent and this child gets everything dumped on him or her. 1. You could wear ear plugs so you won't hear the fussing.
2. Just walk away when she starts to rant. She doesn't need an audience. Tell her you are trying to help and then leave the situation.
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Today after the dr appt and we were on the way home, my mom got very mean and kept trying to pick a fight. Of course I took the bait and argued right back. Later I thought that while I was still fuming over our argument, she had probably forgotten it and was as happy as a clam. I think she is extra mean to me because she knows I will take it, where as my sister will tell her to be quiet. She thinks my sister hung the moon! That hurts. I'm going with the fact that maybe she is naturally frustrated and needs to vent and knows I will not leave her. I just need to learn not to take the bait and just smile and let her have her tantrum. It is freaking hard too. Good luck. Karen
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Thank you all for your support, it helps, blueskies the way you described how you felt is my exact emotions.
Thank you all for your comments and suggestions.
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Inever realized that I got the FOG all my life from my Mom that is one reason I got married at 22 I thought anything would be better than what I had at home and I did love my husband at the time-Grow you really hit it on the head for me -and we do well on the phone Mom and me but when we are together OMG I almost had to go out there because she hid the fact she was sick from my sister and the rest of us but let it slip out to me the day befor my sister was to leave on a trip they had planned for a long time and since my brothers do not feel they have any obligation except to occ. call it would have been up to me but she is better so I escaped the bullet for now. But for me it is too late to change things she is elderly and not in good health. But she did show others her winds of war side in her doc office she screemed at me so her acting the sweet little old lady role was shown as an act when I told my sister she was surprised she acted up that way in front of others.
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While you can't force someone with depression to take their meds anymore than people with bipolar who stop because of missing the mania, there are some suggested ideas but I can only remember one of them, i.e. "Do you remember what took place the last time you stopped taking your anti-depressant?"

People with any family member who has a mental illness or a personality disorder like borderline PD would benefit greatly from the free family to family course offered by NAMI affiliates possibly in your own county. Go to NAMI.org and look for an affiliate in your state. NAMI stands for National Alliance for Mental Illness.

Those with her worshipfulness queen bee mommy dearest chameleon type mom who is such a gracious lady to everyone else, but then an unholy wicked witch from the west with the rest just may have been in a relationship with someone that has an undiagnosed case of narcissism or borderline.

Boundaries are needed in every area of life to function well. I would suggest everyone on this site read the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend for there is a chapter about marital boundaries and taking care of elderly parents.

Another reason one child gets the anger/rage game is that they were chosen by mom years ago to have emotional buttons of Fear, Obligation and Guilt wired in that child for life. When mom pushes the button the adult child has like an auto reflex reaction and gears down emotionally back to being mommy's little girl or little boy all over again and mommy dearest's request is seen as one of God's commandments and on they go with blinders on very often with a wide and long wake of collateral damage behind them when they don't wake up out of the F.O.G. in time. The path to the dark side of parent/child relationships is Fear, Obligation and Guilt which results in great pain and suffering for many. The path to the healthy side of parent/child relationships is boundaries, mutual respect, correct recognition of being unique individuals unlike my MIL who told my wife "you are me", and functioning as the adult child of a mom or dad despite their wanting their little girl or little boy once again.
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It's the one who's always there who is the victim of a parent's criticism; she knows you'll be back for more. She doesn't want to jeopardize relationships that aren't as secure, and so presents her sunny side to all but you. That makes your position even harder, because unless someone has witnessed your mom's rage, whatever you say is perceived to be an exageration at best. Try backing off for awhile. Unless you absolutely need to be with her all the time, take time for yourself...do something that makes you happy, even if it's just a walk around the block.
Give her time to think about how much you actually do for her. She might not acknowledge her need for and appreciation of your help, but she might be a little more mellow....for a while anyway! Good luck!
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My mother was diagnosed with depression several years ago and her doctor prescribed an anti depressant. Did she take it regularly? No. As soon as she started to "feel better" she decided she didn't need it. She can't be forced to take a pill so the on and off use of the drug was the result. This is a very bad way to take these types of medications and I'm not sure it didn't add the the problem.
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JoyceM is onto something regarding depression (not just the "blues" but clinical depression. Most likely your mama is not angry with you, she is just angry. You are the one she is most comfortable being angry at because she knows you have unconditional love for her. Before I was diagnosed with clinical depression I said some horrible, terrible things to my children and husband. At work, no one would have ever guessed I was capable of that. Her primary care physician should be able to help, but an mental health professional would be best. If she is housebound even some Vitamin D supplement could help with her mood. Good luck!
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I have had the same experience. I felt very motivated by love and caring to "be " there for my 93 year old Mom. I was more giving than any of the other two siblings but when things didn't go her way I was the one who bore the brunt of the anger.( This became a pattern.) That caused me to re evaluate my position and since then I have more limited my interaction with her. I am a much happier person and now know that her behavior towards me was developing into a very unhealthy pattern. I was becoming depressed and withdrawn and my energy was being sapped by the needs and emotions of my mother. She has asked me about my change in attitude, in a very confrontational way. I told her the truth, that I was deeply hurt by her attacks and now was feeling a little different about my role. She has continued on with her prima donna ways only now the anger isn't vented at me anymore. I love her and I know she loves me. Setting boundaries is OK even with elderly people. Think of yourself and your family and don't feel guilty.
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Joyce: Crow hit the nail on the head. She is rude to you because; 1) you are there, 2) you put up with it.
Just because she is your elder and mother does not give her the right to abuse you verbally. Unless she has an illness that effects her judgment, you every right to address this issue. When you are both calm, explain to her how her words hurt you and make you feel. Tell her that you understand that she is in pain and how much she struggles, however, it is not alright to take it out on you.
When my Mother first arrived here, I did literally everything for her. I found that she soon took it for granted. Now I do what she needs for her health and well being, the other things I do as I have time. I often add a "please" or "thank you" when she gives me an order, then she smiles because she realizes that I am her daughter, not the unpaid help. I have also hired a caregiver to come in once and awhile so she sees the difference. When things get heated I ask her to call her other child and discuss it with him (which, of course, she doesn't)
If you are treating your mother well, you most certainly deserve her respect, but, more importantly, you need to respect yourself.
Take care,
Lilli
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JoyceM,

Has your mother ever been diagnosed with depression? She's probably of that generation who don't believe in counseling for when someone gets stuck working through their grief although it is a pain for many people around them.

BTW, how are you and your husband doing as a couple as well as individuals with your mom living there. I would rather live under a thatched roof that leaked than have a negative MIL like that daily talking bad about my spouse in my house.
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My Mama has always been the type of person who sees the glass half empty, She is so sweet but she sees only the bad in everything, she has been through a really tough time recovering from a car accident and the loss of her husband whom had Als (lou gehrigs disease). I stayed with her everyday in the hospital and brought her home to live with me and my Husband, and I do everything for her all day everyday with little to no help from siblings but she talks bad about me everynight when she goes to bed, its hard to hear your own Mama speak of you that way but I told the Lord if he would give me a chance to take care of her I would and boy did he give it to me, lol, thank you all for responding, it really does help to vent and know Im not alone.
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I think she gets mad at you although you are doing everything because frankly she knows you will put up with it and does not worry that you will abandon her.

Has your mother always been that way or has this only taken place recently?

Know these three things. 1. You did not make your mother the way she is. 2. You can't fix how she is. 3. You can't control how she is. The only thing that any of us can do is to chose a healthy path for us to walk on and if others join us fine or if they do not join us fine.
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Because she knows you love her and would never leave her - so she feels she can 'be herself' around you. At least that is why I think my Mom does that... My brother and his wife NEVER do anything for her and on the few occasions a year that she sees them - though they only live an hour away - she tells them how much she loves them... blah blah blah - I guess in the hopes that they will be nice to her and visit her. I'm sorry that you are going through this. It helps - I guess - to know others are going through this - I am grateful that I can read - and vent - about how stressful this is! Hang in there!
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I wish I had an answer but it happens -my husband treated me so bad and was so dependent on me -I had to learn not to be drawn in by his sickness and at times let him have it in spads but the thing that worked best was to seperate myself to another part of the house. Now with my mother she reduces me to tears and have to just let her anger go in one ear and out the other I can not argue with her due to her age and I am not her main caregiver but do help out she is much nicer to my sister who lives closest to her. I wish I had a good answer but just try different things and so what works best for you realizing that another sibling may have a different aproach you can tell yourself I do not deserve to be treated like this until you believe it yourself-it took me meny years to learn how to deal with the husband but finally got it under control before he died. Coulsuling may help it would help you feel that it is not you with the problem-I hope other can tell you what works for them as Dr. Phil asks how is that working for you you will learn maybe how to manage and that may be the best you can do-it hurts esp. when you see them be SO nice to others it is not fair but as I told my daughter when she was little life is not fair -keep comming here venting does help.
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