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Calling the office for every little thing. They are not there immediatly she's calling and cussing them out. I'm sure she has dementia but will not cooperate with the dr recomendations. how can I get her into assisted living when she can't afford it? she's very mean and hateful so none of the rest of our family or friends will even associate with her. I'm her daughter but she treats me like a dog. if I'm not working, she thinks I should be with her. I would like to have a life, I have my own family. she's 85

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I would call Adult Protective Services and tell them that your mom is about to be evicted and ask for their help in getting her placed.
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Ronkaren3 DO NOT WAIVER on your wise decision to not have her live with you!

Turn this problem over to professionals, as other posters have advised. I especially like Pam's suggestion about asking the apartment manager to initiate the action. If the manager won't, then do it yourself.
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Tell the apartment manager to call the social services Office of the Aging. They will send someone out to check on her welfare. They may have to take her into protective custody and arrange for a neuro-psych evaluation.
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Well, my mom know realizes that she's staying put. Wants to come to my house to live. first words out of her mouth were, what are you doing here? I had a small teddy bear I brought for her and handed it to her and said I brought you a buddy. she. then took it from me and threw it across the room. then proceeded to tell me that if I loved her, I'd get here out of there. why can't I come live with you? mom, I have to work and there'S no one to care for you. she says she can take care of herself. Sure,when you call me to say you crawled around in the floor for an hour in the middle of the night trying to find a light switch! (This was at her apt) Then wants to know why I can't quit my job and take her income? I told her , I make more than you and I have bills to pay. I also reminded her of the 3day vacation to Branson where she made everyone miserable. if we can't get along for 3 days, what makes you think we can live together? On and on about how I don't love her or want her. After I got home and talked to my husband he said that my mom living here would be ok if she was a different person but, he knows that I would end up with a heart attack(I have heart issues). or a nervous breakdown. The caseworker at the home saw me come out crying and gave me a hug and told me to take a break from her for now. Apparently,and from past experience, she is only like this with me. I refuse to give up what life I have left taking care of her 24/7. I'm 56 years old and I'm sick of trying to please her. I just cannot do it! My dad was my buffer/protector my whole life. when he died 20 years ago, I've done my best for mom but, it's never enough. Thank god I have a wonderful husband and marriage. without it, I don't know what I would do. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Good luck to you, Ronkaren3! How do we ever know if we are doing the right thing? But from what you've written, it sure sounds like the best choice available, to me.

Would you mind checking in once in a while with how the nursing home is working out? We learn from each other.

Personally, I think the doctor should break the news that she needs to be in the nursing home. Then you can commiserate and comfort her and agree that she needs to be where the doctor decides.
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that's a good idea since she is so combative. Maybe she won't turn her wrath on me as much about it. I know she will want to move into my house but that would never work. I work full time and she would be unbearable to live with. she's been like this my whole life but since my dad died 20 yrs ago, she's gotten worse.
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Seriously, listen to jeannegibbs - don't take her in. I took my dad...he's 80 and not even a jerk...just annoying...and it's the biggest mistake of my life. Call the department of aging and make a referral. Good luck!
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I'm not sure what the last post means. Since my question was asked, I have appreciated and considered all suggestions. This lead me in the right direction. I was checking into info on APS but around the same time, mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. she had been seeing and hearing things that weren't there. They put her on new meds and that has helped. However, she then fell but didn't break anything, luckily but, was still in a lot of pain. she couldn't hardly move and ended up dehidrated and weak because she couldn't get around. I went to her place after work everyday and on the weekends but that wasn't enough. So she ended up in the hospital then rehab and now will need to stay in the nursing home. She doesn't know yet and I dread telling her. She's convinced that the dr and conspired to do this to her. She's getting around better but, the mental part isn't there. She's just not safe at home by herself but of course, she things she can take care of herself. I can only hope and pray I'm doing the right thing. I checked into every other possibility I could find but, everything is not affordable or not enough care.
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I second Jeanne's idea; let the doctor tell her that she needs a higher level of care than she can get at ANYONE's home, hers OR yours. It sounds as though her thought processes are off and this should be monitored in an ongoing way by professionals, in a facility where medical personnel are available around the clock. The very last thing you need is to have a cranky elder who is clearly ill, but "doesn't want to go to the doctor".
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Ronkaren3, let the apartment go, but don't discuss that with her. When mom said she was going home, I quietly said "No. It isn't safe. You are safe here" and then change the subject. Be sure she gets the right meds for anxiety, like Ativan (lorazepam) or Xanax (alprazolam). Do not visit too often, let her get settled in and attending the activities.
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