Mother fixated on going back to her house after 3 weeks in assisted living. What to do?

Hi - Here's what made the difference for me. It's for #1 her safety, and #2 her nutrition. My mom recently went through the transition from our house into assisted living. We moved her the day after Christmas, from the 2nd skilled nursing/rehab facility and lengthy hospital stay at the beginning of Nov. She's a right mid thigh amputee with severe COPD. I thought I was doing really well with her living with us for the last 5 years, catering to her every need, my husband and I moved upstairs, moved her into our main bedroom after some remodeling. Yes I was exhausted, yes I was on call 24/7 and my husband and I stopped going out to dinners, etc., but I was doing really good taking care of my mother and she was happy. The day the doctor in skilled nursing said she needs to go to asssited living for her safety and nutrition - it hit me like a brick. We had 5 days to find a place and move her, and I will be forever grateful to Care Patrol that acted like a broker to show me around assisted living facilities in our area, that met my mom's needs, personality and price point. I would never have found the place she lives now without the wonderful help, even with movers to move her things without the broker. My mom hated it at first, for a good month, 3 weeks is not long enough to adjust to any situation. My advice is to make it as home like as possible, and remember you are doing this for her safety and nutrition. Give her time to adjust, don't force the conversation onto her that she is staying, let it slide, you aren't lying to her, don't feel guilt, just let that conversation go, change the subject. Comment on how much better she is doing, how much stronger she is (assuming she is) and let that conversation go. There's no reason to squash that hope if she has it inside that she's going home, but keep it as maybe, or sometime soon. It takes weeks for someone to adjust, and make sure she is out of her room each day and doing the activities offered, that she is socializing with her peers. I'm 100% for additional help, companion care, that's not the doctor's decision. My advise is to stop pushing the "she needs to know" feelings your having. Ask yourself why? Is it for her benefit or yours? Give her time to adjust, 3 weeks is not long enough at all to new surroundings, and get her out of her room to join in activities. Let the needs to know issue go, and gloss over that conversation. If it not the right assisted living facility, find another one where the residents are happy. I was really lucky. My mom loves it now, puts her make-up each day, is excited about wearing new clothes, playing bingo everyday (yes they have bingo every single day and it's a BIG deal there) and she's made friends, and does PT every day. She looks fabulous, the best in years. I did the best I could, but I can compete with bingo every day! Now, I'm no longer her caregiver, I'm her daughter again. I wish you good luck, let it slide about "needs to know" and remember it's for her safety, and nutrition.

"Medicare Part B does not cover genetic tests used for predictive purposes."

Source: https://oig.hhs.gov/oas/reports/region9/92003027.pdf

You better ask how much this test costs before doing it...then ask your sister if she's gonna pay for it.

When your Mom was at home, was she able to take care of herself? Prepare meals, eat, toilet, shower, clean, etc?
Was the only reason for AL, her broken arm and forgetfulness?
If at all possible, I would get her home with care providers.
I sympathize with your Mom and family. It's a difficult time.
Best wishes.

Do not give in!! 3 weeks is short
it’s tough, but you need to ignore her pleas to go home at this stage . You may need to visit less for now

Your mother needs time to acclimate to her new environment. Did the admission staff tell you and your sister to not visit for a few weeks? Or to only talk to her on a phone a couple times a week for a little while?

If they did, then do this. If they did not tell you to, you and your sister need to do it anyway. Starting today neither of you visits for at least two weeks and you only talk to her twice a week. So for the next two weeks, she gets four phone calls a week and that's it.

Three weeks is not a long time for a person with dementia to adjust to AL.

I was a supervisor at a very nice AL and I'm going to tell you some truths.

1) Your mother needs to be taking something for anxiety and anxiousness. A drug like Ativan as needed will help her greatly. Your sister needs to get over herself and not fight you on this.

2) Your mother may acclimate very well to the AL life and even start enjoying herself. But she may never let up on the begging and demanding to go home when you and your sister are around. You must be prepared to accept this because it happens quite often.

I have seen residents be the life of the party at the AL. Very active social lives, friendly, and really enjoying life. The second their family shows up or calls, everyone's favorite social butterfly is replaced with a blackhole of negativity, guilt-tripping, and begging to go home.

Please take my advice and give your mother time to acclimate. No visiting for at least two weeks and only two phone calls a week for a while. If she starts up about the going home on the phone, you end the call and don't call back for a few days. You and your sister both need to do this.

By insisting on a test that is not essential, moreover one which she is doing nothing to facilitate, your sister is denying medical care to your mother. That's neglect.

If I were in your position, I would report this to the social services and challenge your sister's position as your mum's POA.
In the UK, Legal Power of Attorney (LPA) can only be applied for by the person who needs the help, while they have capacity. I'd imagine it's similar in the U.S. and Canada.
If they are not deemed to have capacity, then a family member, or friend, can apply for deputyship through the courts, so that they can have a legal right to make decisions in the other person's best interests.
There must be some similar legislation wherever you are, so that you can protect your mum's wellbeing, even if she no longer has capacity to make that decision.

Speak with someone about how to ensure your mum gets the medical intervention she needs, without having to wait for unnecessary and (I'd imagine) expensive tests to be done.
This is completely impractical when your mum's health situation could change in an instant, and she could be in discomfort, or her condition could worsen while waiting for tests and their analysis.

I'm not sure that you should worry about your sister's reaction, as she isn't having much to do with you, as it is. If she'll stop talking to you because you disagree about the testing, then you can't trust that she won't fall out with you over something else that's inconsequential.

Remember that you are not responsible for the bad decisions of your family, including your mum who must have given your sister this power over her affairs.

Please take care of yourself and remember that you can't do any more than you can. Wishing you all the best.

Good for mom, she has some sense left.

Am a non-professional Genetic Genealogist who does family history and "related" genetic analysis with chromosomes (Autosomal, YDNA and MtDNA) for some years, without charge. Had not heard of Gene IQ until now. For anyone doing DNA type testing, there are rights a person is afforded as to whether they want to contribute a physical sample (saliva or cheek cells) to a genetics testing company. Genetics tests are not medical tests per se and only in recent years have they evolved toward more advanced areas of DNA analysis that Gene IQ does. This genetic testing may fall outside the legal realm of what a medical POA might legally cover. I believe you may be well served by speaking with someone at Gene IQ about this issue and what their privacy protocols may be. Explain to them the situation. From my own experience having done Genetic Genealogy tests for family members, there must be actual and legal consent from the person who furnishes a DNA sample for testing. Having been involved with Genetic analysis since around 2000, knowing the "evolution" of various test protocols with DNA, my opinion would be that even with such testing, given that medications are composed of the main medication chemical plus various other inert ingredients, considering that any medication is essentially a chemical combination, someone might potentially have issues with one of the inert ingredients that don't constitute the beneficial drug therapy itself. So even with my own background, opinion would be "pass" on this particular and just try a medication in the way 99% do, take one and observe for any side effects. As a further note, certainly not speaking for this company, but even a popular Genetic Genealogy company "twenty three" has ties to pharmaceutical development companies, and a question becomes if a person wants to have that potential tied to their DNA sample.

Sometimes the best redirect is none at all. Instead of telling her "this is your home now", something she will never rationalize, ask her about the furniture in the home you grew up in. Talk about the color of the drapes or the nice tree in the yard. How you hated all the leaves in the fall. This will create comfortable feelings. Bottom line she will always think she is going home and you can not teach her otherwise.

Every morning when you get up, read the first paragraph you posted here. That is all you need.

She can’t go home. You cannot take care of her at home. So she stays put.

It is a shame your sister will not cooperate in getting her meds. I would do what someone else suggested of recording her daily sundowning. Show it to your sister.