I just inherited my 87-year-old mother after she fell and broke her neck. Should she be placed in nursing home? - AgingCare.com

I just inherited my 87-year-old mother after she fell and broke her neck. Should she be placed in nursing home?

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I have 4 other brothers and sister, and I am the only one who is really responsible enough to take care of her. My problem is, she keeps me up at night, going to the bathroom constantly, and I have had her checked by doctors and they say nothing is wrong. First it is her bladder, then bowel movements. I have had to clean up some accidental messes also. She takes laxatives, sleeping pills, bladder medicines (all over the counter), ALL the time. But she doesn't eat much at all. My son who is 15 is angry because she has taken over his bathroom, with pads, diapers, feminine spray, false teeth items all over it. I try and explain, but you know teenagers. I just early retired in January and when my mom was independent living on her own, her doctor said she was healthy and would live to a hundred. At that time I told her she could live with me, before I would let my older brother put her in a nursing home, which he would threaten to do, since she lived on his property. But now I'm not sure. She needs so much attention, and my health is not very good either. I cook, clean, wash clothes, give her meds, and everything. She is hard of hearing so she also accuses me of saying things about her, that I didn't say. I am the only one taking care of her, except an Occupational therapist that bathes her (that mom complains about getting) and a Physical therapist 2x a week, that mom also complains about. She goes to the bathroom about 28 times a day, and that doesn't include the night. She has fallen 3 times in the last month and a half. I just don't know what to do. I have had everything checked on her. The problem with the nursing home is I heard they would take everything she owns for her to stay there. In her will she divides her money up evenly between 5 kids, (which for me, I don't care if they take) but for the other kids, they will be so mad, even though they can't take care of her. I just feel so lost, tired, and seeing my health declining. Any suggestions would be helpful!

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I BET your 15 yo son is mad!!! This is time to put him before your mom--15 yo boys are capable of doing just about anything, and they have rotten judgment and not the world's greatest skill set for thinking ahead. Hubby wanted me to bring his dying father home to our house (So I could take care of him while he died). We had 2 daughters still home--18 and 16. They both said they'd leave if Gpa came to live with us. I understood and different arrangements were made.

Time to find a place for mom. And good luck to you with the sibs. Yes, she very likely could spend all her money in professional care, and if your family is worried about the inheritance, allow them the honor of cleaning up after mom and losing themselves in her care. (Nobody will do it, trust me).

The falling is going to continue--we always say "Mother is one 'superfall' away from being in an ALF"....and we know, when winter comes, she will always fall, a few times. Your mom is falling at home. You feel responsible--but honestly? She'd going to fall wherever she goes.

Start the search for a NH, whatever her needs are. If there are sibs who will help out, let them, but it sounds like you are rowing the boat alone.

Your son needs you, more than you know. My own girls were so grossed out by the care that grandpa needed, that they as teenagers couldn't deal with---and I am sure your son feels the same way. Not saying he doesn't love Grandma--just, sick, aging people are hard to be with 24/7, and he needs to have a place to come with friends where he doesn't have to worry about Grandma and keeping quiet.

You just have to trust me on this--I KNOW if I had brought dad home, my daughters would have left--and they were both at crucial ages when they needed a parent THERE.
I ended up going to dad's 2-3 times a day and once in a while taking one of the girls with me to help. They were able to spend quality time with Gpa and not resent him for taking over our lives and home. (Well, he took over MY life, but I did it willingly).

Good luck with the sibs. Seems we all have some who just refuse to help.
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"The problem with the nursing home is I heard they would take everything she owns for her to stay there. In her will she divides her money up evenly between 5 kids, (which for me, I don't care if they take) but for the other kids, they will be so mad, even though they can't take care of her."

You should get more than 1/5 for doing the caregiving. And your mother should be paying you for her care now. As FF asked, who is paying for her supplies?

Why do your sibs think it is okay for YOU to do everything for THEIR mother? If you are not able to take care of your own health (and multiple night awakenings to tend to your mother will destroy it quickly), you will die before your mother does. And then what?

Sounds like your mother needs to be in a facility. Everyone may lose the inheritance, but, really, so what? If your sibs think it's so important to preserve it, let THEM take your mother in.
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Time to spend her money on her care. No one is entitled to an inheritance. And I can understand your son's point of view. He's a young man who should not have to feel like he's living in a nursing home. What is happening in his bathroom is unsanitary and it's only going to get worse in the three years before he reaches the age of majority and can move out of your house. You and your siblings need to come together and form a plan.
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Raingirl, it's instructive don't you think that the one sibling who was previously involved in your mother's care "threatened" (myself, I'd say "proposed") to put her in a nursing home.

At the risk of his saying "told you so" I suggest you admit defeat and join forces with him. Your mother's needs are past the point where she can be cared for responsibly in the home.

And your 15 year old son will be telling his grandchildren about when he found his granny's teeth in his washbasin. The poor lad needs privacy.

As for hypothetical legacies... tough. Your siblings will get their fair share of whatever estate your mother leaves. But while she lives, your mother's money is your mother's, and is required for her care. If they were counting on it, they shouldn't have done. They've no grounds whatever to complain.
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This is the really tough stuff that no one really knows how to handle well

Frankly speaking, falls and getting to the bathroom constantly will not improve much in a facility - most do not have the available staff to assist - it is frustrating

It sounds like mom needs an assessment of all the OTC meds - If she has some financial wherewithal but won't accept having an aid for a few hours come into the house then start researching assisted living facilities

The whole process is daunting and may take some time to figure out
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You are willing to put your son through this so your brother can have an inheritance? What?! Why is having your siblings not be mad at you more important than having your son not be distressed by his living conditions.

Here is who you should be looking out for, in order of importance:
You
Your Son
Your Mom
.... way down the list ...
Your siblings.

Your mother's money is for your mother's care.

With people living so much longer and having so many expensive illnesses, it is not common to be able to leave a financial legacy.
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Unfortunately when Wills are drawn the person doesn't know or realizes that all that money can used up for health care and housing. I never knew how expensive it was to come old until I witnessed it with my own parents. It was a slap on the forehead moment.

Since Mom is living with you, is she paying for her care? I know it is a difficult subject but I hope you aren't paying for her Depends type garments, pads, canes, walkers, and anything else she might needed.

Could Mom budget Assisted Living [not a nursing home], where she could get a lot of attention, and be around people closer to her own generation. My Dad had moved to such a place and he loved it there. Assisted Living can run around $5k per month depending on where you live.

Nursing Homes can average around $10k per month, I know, yikes expensive. Now if Mom can sign up and qualify for Medicaid [which is different from Medicare] then Medicaid will pay for her care... yes Medicaid will request that Mom's social security help pay for her care. If Mom owns a house, Medicaid can put a lien on the house to help be reimbursed for Mom's care. If Mom has any savings accounts, she would need to self-pay the nursing home until she reaches a certain dollar amount. Yes, the siblings will be super mad, but that's the facts of life when it comes to elder expenses.
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Yes. Mom should be in skilled care.
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I feel you aren't hearing us---DO NOT bring mom back home. Period. Your heart is in the right place, but it will be a disaster.

After the hospital, the next obvious "stay" is in rehab. If not, then they'll send her home. You need to be planning NOW where to place her.

You say that she has a will and wants everything divided 5 ways, but she has no home and was living in a rickety trailer? This makes no sense to me.

Any money she has is HERS to be spent on HER. If there is anything left when she passes, that is the time to deal with any inheritance.

Seriously, your son would have to be some kind of angel kid to be OK with sharing a bathroom and small home with his sick, aging grandma. Maybe if she had her own suite and lived somewhat independently...but it sounds like you aren't really going to be able to do this.

Most of us on this site have siblings who refuse to help, for whatever reason. You have the same problem. Your first priority should be your son. Then mom.

You really have no idea what it is like to care for someone who needs the level of skilled care that your mother now needs. I just see disaster written all over this.

Not meaning to offend, but help. You mean well, and perhaps you too are looking at the "inheritance". In honesty, NO amount of money my mother left me could make up to me the pain she has put me through in my life. I'd rather see all her money used to take care of her.

Pease think this through, seriously. Moving mom from the hospital to a NH would be MUCH easier than bringing her home for a while and then moving her. You can blame the drs if you need to. Say she needs more care than you can give her. Visit her as much as you can/want, but she NEEDS to be cared for by professionals.
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I have to add that my mother has held "our inheritance" (wink wink) over our heads our entire lives, hinting that there are millions of dollars somewhere to be shared.

Not only is that not true, my brother who is her Financial POA told me straight up she has ONE life insurance policy that pays $50,000 and savings of about $15,000, which will be totally eaten up by "final needs" ie: funeral expenses. Period. There are five of us to inherit. $10,000 is not going to make one iota of a difference in my life.

I don't think I'm unusual in this. $50K seemed like a LOT of money to Mother back in 1975 when they bought this policy. Now, it's not even enough to buy a "luxury" car.

Forget the inheritance and take care of your son. Very few people ever really inherit large sums of money. My kids won't.
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