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I know there is probably nothing I can do. Mom feels that our younger sister KNOWS her so well. Our younger sister also tells us VERY little in regard to Mom, sometimes nothing, other times only the minimum, so we're at her mercy. My elder sister and I are not on the lists, so neither doctors nor the facility will talk to us. I should ask Mom if she could put us on the 'list', but our youngers sister with full health care poa and full poa can change it anyway, ,so it's probably not worth it.

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All of this advice is sound. I'd like to add that POAs can have secondary people on them so that if the primary can't act, then the secondary can. However, this is obviously a situation of family dynamics, so a third party like a social worker, doctor or family mediator (or attorney if necessary) will likely be necessary.
Good luck to you. This is, as you've read, not unusual. But it's painful.
Carol
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Can you arrange a meeting with a Family Law attorney and get to the bottom of the conflict? The relationship is what it is, and it won't change until you add a new component. It won't change by itself:) good Luck.
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A family lawyer is an excellent idea, and a mediator might be able to help your sister understand how dangerous it is to try to control everything. For example, what would happen to your mother if she became ill or injured? Her doctors cannot reveal information to you, but you can write them a calm letter expressing your concerns, and they might be able to help through talking to your sister and mother. Does your mother understand how much this appears to hurt you? Elder care improves when the entire family tries to work together just as you are trying to do. Best wishes. I hope you will stay in touch with all of us. Rebecca
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I've gotten in touch with an elder care family mediator. I'll let you know how it goes. The counselor seemed to think she could help, maybe help us draft a memorandum of agreement on how to communicate with each other. She said it's not a LEGAL document but it seems that people who have signed them in the past typically honor them. I told her that I would send an email to both my sisters that I've contacted her and that unless I advise her otherwise she'll be in touch with my younger sister (one in control) in a day or so. We'll see how it goes.
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My oldest sister (and favored child) has all POA under my mother's will, she lives in another state and she hasn't seen my mother in nearly 9 months. I do all the work. It really hurts and I imagine, at some point, it's going to be more than an inconvenience. Good for you to go to a mediator! I don't think I have the courage to do that as it would rip the family apart so I just seethe with resentment instead. Maybe your experience will help me get the guts to change our situation.
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If possible, you all need to have a "sit-down" and discuss your mothers situation. Hopefully everyone can come to a compromise.
If your mom is mentally sound than ask her to put you both on "list" and if your sister removes them then really question WHY???? This is about your mothers health not any personally gripes among the 3 of you. Strongly show your concerns of your mother with sister. She is no more her mom than yours. The longer it takes to get resolution the worse the outcome can be. I know from experience. Your mother would want all her girls involved.
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Oh my, this is the situation between my brother and me. I hope your situation has a better outcome. My Mom has always favored my brother (so did my father). Like your sister, he has all the power, executor of the will, on bank accounts, poas. When I confronted Mom about her favoritism, she just acknowledged that she had hurt me. Then nothing was done to correct the problem. Like you, I am concerned about my brother dying and me being left to have to get guardianship. Let your Mom know what getting guardianship would include, just in case you had to do this. It is not pretty.

My brother likes being "in charge" on paper, but when the situation gets bad he will be screaming for me to help him. I feel if a parent is not going to be up front and try to include all of their children, in some way, even at the very least keeping everyone updated, then the guy with the conctrol does all the work. My brother just blows me off and I don't talk to Mom much anymore. But just wait, those chickens will come home to roost.
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NoVoice, I just noticed the other question you posted. Explains alot. Sis wants control of the money. She is doing something unethical and doesn't want you two to know. Don't be surprised if Mom's money runs out before "10 years". Sad, this secretive stuff usually means someone is helping themselves to Mom or Dad's wallet. There must be a special place, and not in heaven, for children who take advantage of their families.
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soverytired - that hurts that you do all the work and you don't even have any control. That's totally not fair. I know in our case going to court is not an answer, and if a mediator can help us communicate in a decent manner and timely that would be an improvement. I do not expect us to be all 'chummy' again but at least be able to all be civil with each other.
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madge1 - no our sister only told us the documents were 'signed'. We have no idea which documents or what they contained. Like I said, if there is nothing to hide, then why all the secrecy? Oh, and she expects us to JUST TRUST her, even though she's NOT transparent about all information regarding OUR mother.
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