My mother is falling apart because she is caring for my grandfather. - AgingCare.com

My mother is falling apart because she is caring for my grandfather.

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My grandfather is 93 and my mother (67) lives with him and cares for him. At this stage he is very healthy physically, but has Alzheimers and dementia. He will not go to a home and becomes very aggressive and angry at the mention of it. He is getting worse in all ways and my mom cannot handle it anymore. Last week she tried to kill herself and ended up in the hospital. He is lucid some of the time, so it will really be a fight for my mom to get guardianship, and even so, he has told us that he will just walk out of any facility. I have very small children, so I cannot take him in, and my mom wants to be away from him. Their relationship is so strained, I just don't know how to help or what to do, but I know something needs to happen very soon.

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"my mom cannot handle it anymore. Last week she tried to kill herself and ended up in the hospital. " And now she's home again? How long before she tries again (and maybe succeeds)?

Are there aunt(s)/uncle(s)?

Help get your mother out of there, or you might not have a mother much longer...
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jenkiki, any elder who is in their 90's will remember that going to a nursing home means being put into an asylum, which was all that was available back almost a century ago. Your grandfather probably can remember his parents or grandparents being placed in such a facility. So, of course, he wouldn't go to one.

One idea is to book a tour and lunch at a nice senior facility, and tell Grandfather that you or your Mom is doing some research for a friend and they would like him to go along to get his opinion of the place. Then book a tour at another place, etc. That might change Grandfather's mind. And who knows, he might run into an old friend who is now living there :)
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Make sure you and your mom get into contact with an elder attorney to help you both know exactly what hers, yours and your grandfather's rights are. Your mom can't take care of him anymore and she shouldn't. Reassure your mother that she did the best she could and she has the right to take care of herself. Ask APS to get involved to help the both of you. What your grandfather needs is not gonna be what he wants. I know it sucks but reality often does.
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Thank you. My mom is back home now out of the hospital. The house is a rental, so that should not be a problem. I will look into the needs assessment, and hopefully that can point us in the right direction to move forward to the most positive path for them both.
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Does the house they are living together in belong to Grandpa or to Mother?

Is Mom still in the hospital? If so, she should talk to the social worker there.

If not, I suggest that she call her county's Human Services Department and ask for a needs assessment for Gramp. She can explain to the social worker that she cannot continue to care for her father because of her mental health issues. The social worker can explain options for getting Gramp the care he needs.

I seriously recommend against attempting to get guardianship. That is way more responsibility than you mother should have to take on at this point.

This is such a painful situation for all concerned. My heart goes out to all of you!
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Oh my, I'm so sorry for your situation. It sounds like caring for your grandfather is just not something your mother can handle. I'd be concerned with her being around him if she is so fragile emotionally. What do her mental health care providers say about her father's behavior and condition?

I might consult with an attorney to see what all the options are and/or report the matter to APS. It sounds like a risky situation. I hope you find some help for them.
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