Mother expects me to leave my husband in another state while I take care of her. Any advice?

Google Narcissism.

Your mom wants what she wants with no regard for YOUR needs. She cant put anyone but herself first.

She is making a totally unreasonable request of you. You should feel mo guilt in saying " no Mom, I cant possibly do that. I can come and visit ( once a week once a month whatever you CAN) But I cannot be your fulltime caregiver."

Amen to Barb...absolutely do NOT leave your husband to take care of your mother. You can help to get her live in caregiver or help her get into ALF

I've been in a similar situation with my Mom for the past couple of years. Mom was driving me crazy being her "go-to" person in the beginning. I wasn't spending any time with my husband because all my free time was taken up by my Mom. I was neglecting other areas of my life too - my job, health, friendships, etc.

I finally decided my Mom's happiness and well being were not my responsibility. It was hers! I took time to figure out what I was willing to do for her and how much time I was willing to spend doing it. I set a schedule for visiting her twice a week and stuck to it. I still have to tell her "no" sometimes and it's hard. But, I'm much happier since I set some boundaries. Having control over my own schedule has made a world of difference.

DO NOT feel guilty about setting boundaries. If you don't, you will end up without your peace of mind, health or your marriage!

So much to digest here. I certainly believe you belong with your husband. The fact that your mother continues to smoke despite her diagnosis should be the additional sign that your efforts are not truly respected. She has made this very unfortunate choice in her life. She will have to reap the adverse facts that brings.

I understand the aspects of addiction and sympathize with those affected. It is a disease but it is one that many choose to overcome. Your mother has not and your time and sacrifices are really being slapped in the face with that reality. I am sorry her final years are defined to a degree by this behavior. Your words of care regarding her are inspiring despite what you have to endure.

IMO you honor your parents by reasonable concern and care but there are limits - and dishonoring your marriage vows does NOT honor your parents.  Spouse is first - that is what you promised. Doing unreasonable, destructive things to others does not honor anyone.  And honor does not equate to obey (I assuming an adult here, not a minor).  Since your mother is capable of making decisions, hiring caregivers, etc., then all that is not your problem. Wanting a things DOES NOT constitute needing it.  Sounds like mom emotionally abused you - I'd recommend detaching, keeping your distance and building a new life with your husband.  Seems to me that is the righteous thing to do.

Smilingtulip, mom's behavior in trying to control you through guilt is one of the clearest signs of narcissism. People who know how to love don't do that to others.  I'm going to look at this a little differently than usual on this forum: your mom is approaching the end of her life. High time to clear up some of the mess, in this case, narcissism, and prepare for the life to come.

You need to take care of you. If she has the means, then hire in home care for her. Hubby needs to come first!

If she can afford it, have her hire caregivers. You can't jeopardize your marriage. Tell Mom what you are willing to do and stick by it.

Thank you all so much for your advice. It was like rain in the desert washing away the grime of guilt. My guilt stems from the guilt I felt leaving my whole family behind, including grandchildren in October of last year. My Mom was not in the best of health when I left but she has been that way for many years. She guilted me then for leaving her while she is in poor condition.. I said Mom, you can easily live another 15-20 years. What do you want me to wait to marry Dave when I'm 70? 

My husband and I made a plan that I would fly up to visit every 3 months and I've been doing that. My kids are actually very supportive of my move and my husband and we keep in constant touch. I also call my Mom every day and had the kids come over there to check on her because she needed an ambulance. I flew home to be by her side and have been here now for three weeks.

I booked a one way flight home on April 1st Once home, my husband and I will work out a schedule to see my Mother. Again, I can not thank you enough! I knew she had narcissistic tendencies but yet she can be very kind and giving as well. I do love her very much and next to my husband she is my best friend. I guess over the years I got so use to her rude, selfish comments that they didn't bother me anymore, but when death approaches it kind of changes your perspective. You all helped me to get back on track. Thank you!

Serious question, what does honor your father and mother mean?

"She tells me, 'Fine, if you want to go home to your husband then my granddaughter will take care of me!'"

You wrote that your kids have gone to check on her, yet she is expecting only your daughter to take care of her if you won't?

Please make sure your daughter knows that she is not to be her grandmother's stepper and fetcher. Make sure she knows that she can set her own boundaries with her grandmother.

I'm so sorry. Your husband is your first priority. Its your responsibility to make sure she is well taken care of.....not to wait on her. This will only become worse over time if you don't set boundaries! I would not put you or you and your husband in that situation. Find care and then visit and enjoy the time you have left with her. But don't leave your life to live hers. Be firm but respectful. Find a good therapists to help with the guilt and anxiety, they usually go hand in hand. I'm a but younger than you and my mum expected me to retire at 50-55 and be her assistant and then her full-time care giver. This is not going to happen. I have been telling her this for 15 years and she's finally starting to accept this notion. I've been in therapy for 5 years....its helped. My mum has been pushing the idea that I would be her full-time caregiver since I was in COLLEGE! (she has been relatively healthy) This has been the hardest relationship of my life. She thought she could push and manipulate until I gave in....she has missed a real relationship with me.

I read these two books and they helped. I'm not much for self help book but these are great.

Boundaries Cloud/Townsend

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents Gibson

I think if God had meant "... and by 'honour your mother and father,' I mean wait on them hand and foot whether they need you, you specifically, to do that work for them or they're perfectly able to recruit resources elsewhere; and nuts to your husband" He would have said so, don't you?

Honour your mother, and love her. She was a good mother, she was a good grandmother, she is a person in her own right, she deserves support and care. Help her to access services, if she'll let you. But even if she WON'T let you, don't do them yourself. The Smilingtulip Home Care Agency is not an option for her.

And if she makes one more move towards roping in your daughter: lose all sense of humour, do not even smile, and tell her if she even tries that you will bite her.

On the other hand. With advanced COPD, it isn't likely that your mother weighs up and considers everything she says before she says it. She probably does feel sorry for herself, and would like some pampering, and who can blame her? But you can sympathise without *complying.* Just don't base any practical decisions on her poorly sentiments ahead of your own good judgement.

My mom is in memory care and almost every week when I go to see her, she gets teary and says "I wish I still had a home. I wish I had someone who cared enough to take care of me." To which I always answer "We've discussed this before. You need 24/7 care and I can't provide it. I have to work and support myself and my kids. It has nothing to do with not loving you and everything to do with your safety and well being." They do get very self involved with dementia. They don't know or care what your personal situation is - everything is about them.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: not everyone is cut out to be a full time caregiver to a loved one with dementia. I know I'm not and I think it would be a disaster if I tried. I had mom living with me for 5 years when she was still relatively lucid but when the wandering started, that was it. I did not want her getting lost or hurt while I was sleeping or at work.

I have cared for my mom since 2005. Don't do it! Enjoy your life with hubby. Have a relationship with her if that is important to you but don't allow her to control your life. Don't kid yourself with this boundary thing. If someone is living with you, there is only so much you can do. Even if you do succeed in boundaries, it is an enormous sacrifice.

I would not consider having mom live with me if I had the chance to travel back in time. I have had people tell me that they have not regretted caring for parents at home. This is only my opinion from my perspective. As you know, the choice is yours. It is entirely up to you.

We are all equals. No one trumps the other. Your husband is not inferior to your mom. Choose your hubby. It shows in your writing that you want to be with your husband. Be with him. Explain to mom that this is your time with your husband and you will help her get settled with appropriate care. Best of luck to you. Please know that you are not an uncaring person. An uncaring person would not even be posting a question on this site. Take care.

What does "honor your father and mother mean"

Realize first that the Bible has been translated in many languages. Because of this there are words in some languages that aren't in others so they substitute the closest meaning word when translating. Now imagine that happening translation to translation. I just read a book that said the early Church changed some of the Bible for their own purposes.

I have also read that its not so much Mother and Father but the people who raised you, loved you, fed and clothed you. Do you really owe anything to someone who has abused you in some way. To me honoring doesn't mean sacrificing your life for them. As long as they are safe, fed, clothed and cared for we are doing what we should. We can love them just as well or even more.

I agree 100% with NeedHelpWithMom. If I knew 2 year's ago what I do now, I would not have brought Mother to live with us. Granted, she didn't ask me to care for her, but I couldn't bear to know she would be in a home where she would not make friends or be with people that want to include her in life.
Living away from her for over 30 years and only seeing her once or twice a year helped me to forget how dismissive, critical and emotionally unavailable she was in my formidable years. But she hasn't changed. Well, maybe she's a bit more passive aggressive than I remember.
I am angry a lot. I am depressed a lot. My relationship with my husband is solid, but I don't feel like I put him or my teenage son first, where they should be. I feel a lot of guilt in that respect.
Growing up I didn't really feel that mother daughter bond like I have with my own daughter. I forgot about that because it was so long ago, like another life. But now the wounds are all fresh again and it is very painful.
Last year my family had a little get together for my birthday and she never even acknowledged or said happy birthday -- even when everyone else told me.
This year my family had a little get together for my birthday, same as last year, and she didn't acknowledge it say happy birthday.
Honoring our elders doesn't necessarily mean living with them and waiting on them because they say we should or because we will feel guilty if we don't. Honoring them means making sure their basic needs are met and they are safe. Sometimes this is best done by placing them somewhere that these needs can be met and not necessarily with a family member -- assisted living, nursing home, or in home care.
But really think it through rationally.

MumsHelper: "Honoring our elders doesn't necessarily mean living with them and waiting on them because they say we should or because we will feel guilty if we don't. Honoring them means making sure their basic needs are met and they are safe. Sometimes this is best done by placing them somewhere that these needs can be met and not necessarily with a family member -- assisted living, nursing home, or in home care."

Yes, yes, yes...a million times YES!

Way too many people think "honor" means waiting on them or meeting their every "want." And that honor means the parent is more important and gets to suck the life/health out of their caregiver. I've read about it being the "right thing to do." Oh, no, it is NOT!

Your marriage comes first. My mom wanted me to do the same thing. If she is in a care facility leave her there. If not find one for her. Perhaps in your city. I am taking care of my mom in my home I have been married 49 happy years and yet it is a big strain on my marriage. My brother died from COPD. There could be a long, long road ahead with this disease. Quitting smoking is very hard but my brother overcame. Discuss this with your partner. A frank discussion will help you be on the same page. My mom has mild copd, dementia, and is mostly blind. Prayerfully consider what you need to do. Best wishes for you in this difficult sutuation

I can see why you're feeling guilty. BUT, I don't think you SHOULD. Easy to say, I know, I know. But I think you've given enough and should do what you want to do. If you want to go back home to your hubby, you have to draw the line and GO.

Yes, she will make you feel bad but you have to take care of yourself and your hubby.

Might even need some therapy to deal with the inevitable guilt, but you can't let her make your decisions for you.

Update from the original poster. After everyone's advice I booked my flight back home to my wonderful husband. I am leaving early tomorrow morning. I tried, oh how I tried to arrange at home care givers for my Mom. But she did not want it and since my daughter is the back up POA I had her here for these decisions.. 

I told my daughter no, you are not responsible for Grandma And since my daughter knew my Mother would be relying on her serval times a week to take care of her, My daughter insisted my Mom moved into her home, because it so much easier instead of packing up the kids and taking care of grandma at her every demand. 

Now my Mom is playing a game with me.... she pretends like she wants to go to my daughters house to my daughters face, and when we are alone she tells me she can't live with my daughter because her great grandchildren will drive her crazy! And can I now get her outside caregivers?

No Mom, i said, I can not get you care workers over the weekend. I told her no. You are an adult, YOU made this decision and I can not provide care givers for you in two days, on a weekend before my departure.

I am thinking that in her mind, if she fought me I would give up my husband to take care of her, and her plan backfired. This time, because of everyones advice. I set boundaries and said no.Now my daughter is taking care of her and I feel really bad about this. It's not her responsibility, it is mine but I was overruled by my mother and my daughter.

Now I feel more guilt then ever because it's not my daughters job! It mine! My Mother has no dementia. Her mind is very active and good. Yet I think how can she raise me to be polite respectful please and thank you, yes sir no ma'am type of woman and she can't even thank me as i dispose of her waste?

I've only beeen taking care of her for a month, she bosses me around, do this, do that, take out my garbage, oh you did it all wrong! No thanks. She watches my every move. If I go to the bathroom all I hear is my name being called, what are you doing?  

She gets angry with me if i want to go to my old house , which my boys live in to take a shower and put makeup on before I run all of her errands because I want to clean up and smell fresh because she insists on smoking with the windows all closed while she is in end stages of COPD and my clothes, hair ect stinks How dare i mention how I miss my husband and according to her I am acting like a school girl and my husband does not need me. 

I'm done and it's only been a month. How do you long term, temporary caregivers which turned into a lifetime handle this?!

I love my mom, I do. But her treatment of me is ridiculous. I don't think she will treat my daughter this way but if she does, I am putting my foot down and she will go into a home. F<>% the inheritance, no one should live like this.

And the sad thing is, all my children think Grandma is so sweet, but they do not know her Ike I do. I will never ever EVER do this to my children. NEVER! 

I will start looking into end care insurance when I get home. I will not do this to my children. Ever!

Well, you tried. Did not work. I don’t think you are totally shocked or surprised by what happened. I’m glad you went home.

I hope she doesn’t cause a lot of trouble for your daughter.

Your daughter will have to establish her own boundaries.
She should NOT move GM in. On oxygen and smoking!!
Horrible to be smoking around children. Too many red flags!
Your daughter can set the caretakers up.
Have a great flight. Try to leave all the complaints behind. It won’t be any good to be home if you are venting to husband.
Come here to vent. We understand.

Your daughter moved her grandmother into her house because she thought it would be EASIER?! She should have thought of all the secondhand smoke she will expose her two under-3 children to. In your profile you wrote that your mother is incontinent. Your daughter is going to be doing a lot more diaper changing...

I don't think this set-up is going to last long.

(This reply in no way means I think you should have stayed there.)

A few things, smilingtulip:

1. Good for you for sticking up for yourself! Take the guilt and toss it. You DO NOT deserve it.

2. You're not to blame for your daughter choosing to take your grandmother on.

3. Please pass this site on to your daughter. She's the one who'll need support soon.

This was not and is not your responsibility! Do not feel badly that your daughter has decided to take grandma in. It’s not your fault. Your mother is of sound mind, she is responsible for herself. She refused your help. You did the right thing choosing NOT to give up your life to take care of her. Your daughter....bless her. Her heart is in the right place but she’s going to learn a tough lesson here i’m Afraid. And that’s not your fault. She too is of sound mind and she made this decision. Your mom refused to have caregivers come in. So granddaughter is taking her in but even that’s not good enough. Honestly I think your mom would still complain and be unhappy even if you left your husband to take care of her.

i feel for your daughter too because I don’t think she’s thought this through and I don’t think she knows what she’s getting herself in to. My SIL may be going down this same path with her dad (my FIL). He’s bedbound, has a catheter, feeding tube and isnon oxygen. Can’t do anything himself. Can’t wipe his own bum. SIL has no training whatsoever and works full time. The doctors don’t think FIL will get better and suggest placing him in a nursing home on palliative care and they think he has a few months left to live. SIL has children and a husband too. From the sounds of it, she wanted to bring in a caregiver when she’s at work. Thank god the social worker reminded her that there will still be 16 hours left in the day that he will require hands on care. SIL thinks the worst thing will be wiping his bum! Uh no. I mean yeah, that’s bad, I don’t think anyone actually wants to change their parents diaper. But she’s not thinking about herself, her own life. Her kids. I can see it now.....she gets the summer off from work and she’s gonna be taking care of her kids and FIL plus my BIL is gonna want her to watch his son all summer again. She’s gonna burn out FAST. I don’t think she’s even stopped to think about this. She’s a big lake person, Goes camping every weekend in the summer. There won’t be any camping this year if she brings her dad to her house! She’s gonna be taking care of him and a bunch of kids! It’s a disaster waiting to happen. And it sounds like your daughter is headed for the same disaster!

Smilingtulip,

I’m sure you don’t want this nightmare for your daughter or her family but she will find out first hand how your mom is. Your daughter will most likely help her make other living arrangements. It’s a shame she has volunteered for this.

I wouldn’t want my kids to take care of my mom either. It should be a grandma/granddaughter relationship, not caregiver one.

I am so glad that you removed yourself from this situation. Your mom wasn’t grateful for what you did for her. Even if a person is grateful it is still hard but when a person isn’t grateful and rude on top of if, showing no consideration for you, then it becomes a nightmare. So sorry you experienced this.

Another update. My Mom has been staying with my daughter for 5 days now and she is already wearing my daughter out. My daughter now understands what I went through this past month but her situation goes even deeper with the little ones to take care of. 

Her children were potty trained but are now reverting back to diapers because grandma can't make it to the bathroom and uses the porta potty in the living room. My mom can make it to the bathroom if she tries, but she doesn't attempt. She says won't make it there! Meanwhile my daughters living room sticks of feces and my daughter is cleaning up her potty but my Mom will not even give her a thanks. 

My daughter has a holistic nature and every natural thing my daughter tries to give my Mom she turns up her nose and complains. My daughter spent over 6 hours making tomato soup from scratch yesterday because my Mom loves tomato soup and all my Mom did was complain about how horrible it tasted.

But the biggest of all is... my Mom complained to the hospice nurse that she was unable to breath because my daughter was not giving her enough morphine. My daughter is giving her 5 to 6 does per day, plus Norco and Xanax. My daughter does not want the responsibility of of killing Grandma with too much morphine. I total understand her predicament. My mom claims she wants to get better but refuses any natural treatments my daughter gives. (She studies holistic medicine) and refuses to do anything for herself.

Long story short... I have to get her out of there. I can't let my daughter be treated like this. I hate to abuse my Power of Attorney but I am setting up in home care. My Mom won't like it but too bad so sad ( this was a famous saying of hers). I have to save my daughter from this!

Yes, SmilingTulip; You need to get gma out of there!

"Her children were potty trained but are now reverting back to diapers"--that statement alone tells you just how much your Mother had negatively affected your daughter's children.  They are reverting back to a stage where they felt/feel comfortable and safe.  The stress of potty training and the stress of Grandma in their house is TOO MUCH for their little minds to handle.  Remove your Mother from your Daughter's house ASAP!!! 

You are NOT abusing your Power of Attorney by setting up in home care in your MOTHER'S HOME.  You are honoring your Mother by getting Home Care for her in her OWN Home.