My mother-in-law thinks it should be done for love after all she raised my husband for free out of love. What do you do if they don't want to pay you?

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I take care on my mother in law at great lose to my husband's business. I am POA for my mother in law, so i started to take a salary to recoop some of the lose. The brothers freaked and so did my mother in law ( very loudly and very rudely)and demanded I stop taking the money.(so i stopped) They all insist I do it for free, but I can't. They said that they found a way to help her... Se has mild dimentia so she thinks she can do things and can't. The biggest thing she won't do is bath. I tried to explain that the 5 days a week I spend with her is for love but the bathing i have to charge for. Back to the help they found for her... they told me, and, she told me she could bath herself. One of my brother in laws would take her once a week to get her hair done. Well two weeks after "the meeting" No hair done, no bath. So I went back to the routine...by and by....I try to bath her twice a week...she refuses. She lives alone in a house I remodeled for her after a flood, and doesn't drive she has no friends and doesn't want any stangers in the house.. So I do everything...It would be easier to have her live with us but I have a 800 sqft house with two teenagers, myself and my husband. There is simply no room, her house is bigger...I'm not moving...I can't leave her to fend for herself. The one son takes her on holidays(lives out of state) and other visits once a week and takes her to breakfast (with her about an hour or less). I don't know what to do. In the last "meeting" One of the brothers threatened to "hurt us so deeply we will never recover".....unfortunely that is already happening a major guilt factor is i am so busy trying to do everything with out help i haven't had a chance to document all that i've done it's all snowballing out of control,,,actually sending this thread is setting me back even further, but mentally I'm useless at this point... got any advise?

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My mother who lives independently feels the same way. I travel 35 miles one way when I go to help her and no offer of gas money, even though I would never accept it. She talks about hiring someone to help her, but that as far as it goes. I refuse to become her unpaid help. She has the financial resources to hire outside help. So I only visit every two weeks and do only the bare minimum. When she gets to the point where living independently is not an option then she will have a choice of assisted living or NH. I will refuse to become her unpaid servant in my own home. The reason for this penny pinching, inheritence for me and 3 others. No thanks, let her use it on her own care!
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I especially liked the almost last sentence of Jeanne's post; "Bad decisions ruined the years of your life you were living through." I would just add, take time for some counseling and looking at how those decisions were bad and why. A lack of honesty, pressure from jobs, a complete lack of focus on what each of you were going through. How did you all get so disconnected?

I hope you can start over with your husband and children. Even if you can't, its better to be able to see clearly where you were and why. You don't want to go through something like this again. It might be a completely different situation, but the communication skills or lack of them, can end up giving you the same feelings.

Love and Hugs, Cattails
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Unappreciated, could you consider family counselling, now, while you are still in college? Divorce is always an option. An attempt to salvage the marriage doesn't mean you couldn't still go ahead with the divorce if it doesn't work out.

Sounds like you BOTH were under a lot of strain, stress, and trauma.

Please remember that you both made choices. They may not have felt like choices at the time. You may feel exploited and perhaps you were. But how were you "forced" to care for MIL during the day? A gun to your head? A threat? Black mail? Your BIL did not feel "forced" to do what you and your husband considered his part. He made a decision about his own behavior. So did you. You decided to go along with whatever was "forcing" you to care of MIL every day. Your inlaws claimed it was your responsibility and they would tell on you if you didn't do what they thought you should do. And you decided to go along with that.

None of you can go back and change your decisions. But I hope you will get some professional help in dealing with the aftermath of those decisions. Bad decisions ruined the years of your life you were living through them. I hope you can put them behind you and start over, married or divorced. It is time to heal.
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I've been in your shoes, but my husband and I had an attic fire one month before my husband was told by MIL's Dr that his mother can no longer be left alone. Sure his only sibling, a brother helped out in the beginning,(no where close to half). In a matter of a couple of months he stopped helping out completely because his wife would have divorced him. Meanwhile, my husband made one floor of our house liveable for our child and my because even though the fire was contained to the attic and the ceilings to the bathroom & a bedroom we had a massive amount of water & smoke damage throughout the house. So after the BIL stopped helping, my husband had to move into the MIL's house leaving our child and me behind. I was also forced to care for my MIL during the day so my husband could make a living & try to fix our house, we were underinsured, but my husband went to school for bldg. This went on for 9 months!!! I was attending college...GPA started to suffer, I started withdrawing from alot of classes. Our child was going through PTSD & I didn't notice it because I was also diagnosed with it. Well nine months later my MIL went into a nursing home. She had a minor stroke & was declared incompetent. It was when she was in the nursing home that we noticed my BIL had been receiving thousands of dollars from my MIL for nothing!!! Sure she paid me $10 to be there, but I didn't want to be there!!! I was always kind to her, but my husband & his family used me!! I should have been finished with college a few months ago, instead I'm almost starting over from the beginning (to be an RN). My MIL was in the nursing home for 11mos before passing away 2 months ago. My husband & I had a great marriage, but I hold alot of resentment towards him now & I loathe his brother & sister in law! The worse part is that I never got any credit from any of them & my inlaws told us that if we walked away that they would call elder affairs on us for abandoning her! I'm actually considering divorce after college.
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If you brother in laws feels strongly enough to issue a threat to you, its time you really make a decision to turn over the poa to her son's. You have done what you feel is right but you should not ignore this red flag! If your heart is heavy over how her sons may not take care of our mil call social services, get legal advice and especially talk to your husband, let him know your concerns he should be a major player in this situation, don't tackle this alone. GOD Bless YOU.
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What is wrong with people??? My goodness, how much can you take from so called FAMILY members who have no heart and are greedy??? Honestly, how can one person be so indestructible that they don't deserve some help from other family members??? In my situation, my sister and I share POA duties. My brother is so totally support of us and the decisions we make, however, he has some on going health issues of his own in addition to his 36 year old step son who has stage 4 liver cancer. We don't make demands on him because we understand, but we still supports us emotionally and morally. I can't ask any more from him. I really think fireguy69 should resigns all duties as POA but make sure that her MIL is cared for by either a third party or another family member. If the family doesn't step up, then I would call Adult Protective Services regarding elder abuse!!!

As for you christy I would check into adult day care or home health care. I would rather pay professionals than family to visit my loved one! My father also had Alzheimer's and my sister and I took my father out every Saturday so my mom could get a break. We love this time with him and for other family members who are older and can't take the love one out, why should it be an issue of paying them to visit other than greed?? Christy, I would check into adult day care for a couple times a week. Do it for yourself!! You deserve some down time and forget about involving the family!!!

God Bless all of you for doing what is right for a family member and having to deal with the unnecessary difficulties from selfish people!!
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My heart goes out to everyone who has posted here. Where is the humanity within our families. God bless each and everyone of you who do your best to make another person's life worth living. God bless you for trying to give them as sense of safety, comfort and love. I pray we can all find our own comfort among the storms.
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How CAN you do it for free? If you are not getting any help from family members then how do they all expect you to care for her out of your own pocket only? I can relate, and I agree it's totally ridiculous! I am going through something similar....but different. I have my husband's own family (including my mother in law) not wanting to help out at ALL unless she gets paid to do it! But I am not asking her to take care of him financially. I take care of him financially, but do not think I should have to PAY his family to visit him or take him out once in a while or come over to play dominoes with him while I take a BREAK...and a MUCH NEEDED BREAK at that! My husband also has dementia, so I can relate very much to your frustrations. I pray things work out for you.
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My heart goes out to you, it's just amazing how family members can be when the time comes to caring for an elderly parent. You are going an outstanding work here unfortunately your BIL's don't recognize it. You can probably force their hand by resigning your duties as POA. They will have not choice but to find help for her. Do they want her in a care home which will have to be paid out of her estate. You are up against a wall and your health and well being needs to be addressed. I hope you seek advice from an attorney to help you make some decisions for yourself and what would be the best thing for your MIL. Keep me updated and stay strong!!
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Thank you sharynmarie. Like I said Safety is or business. I removed the toaster oven and disconnected the electric stove (not that she would notice) I set up meals for her to mircowave. I was called in for and emergency new mircowave ddelivery... because she set a meal for 50 mins and the thermal dynamics automatically shut the microwave down....I unplugged it and plugged it back in and it was fine. So as long as I take care of everthing she is fine....She worked hard her whole life in 1986 when she retired my FIL did everything for her. Cook, clean, drive, bath and finances, everything. She hasn't managed anything for over 25 years.She doesn't do anything except sit and watch tv and microwave meals.She won't even drink water cause she doesn't want to get up to go to the bathroom. I put out the garbage, laundry,cleaning... everything. I recently changed her pychiatrist cause MIL said she was scared of her (I was too)last one. The new one is thorough but doesn't have the benefit from good notes taken from the sacry Dr.... still fighting to get them but I don't feel confident she kept notes. It's going to take time for him to make an assesment. So to the world there is nothing mentally or physically wrong with her....but I don't keep any sharp knives in the house either. Maybe some "adult" proofing will help in your case.....but don't get me wrong...it's not easier just safer. Plus I don't treat MIL as if i think there is something wrong with her....when she start screaming at me or having a tantrum i leave...I could have died when she threw the medicine bottle at the pharmasist. No it's not easy when they start to lose it...but they have an excuse.
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