My mother died last night. Where do I begin?

So very sorry for your loss, just take it one step at a time. Make sure to get at least 10 copies of the Death Certificate believe me you will need them.

My prayers are with you and yours Marig0ld. God Bless.

You all have been very, very helpful to me. My mom's funeral is tomorrow morning.

I am so very sorry. You may want to consult an Elder Law Attorney to help guide you thru all of the financial issues.

More and more I believe that I want to make the plans for myself so that my kids are not left holding the bag. I want to do what one of my grandpa's did.

My Grandpa Fredrickson did a really cool thing, not only did he already make the plans and pay for the whole shebang, he set aside money especially so that we could all go out for brunch together after the grave site service, (there was no big funeral, just a small grave site service). Because he knew that it might not be possible to access his bank account, he put the money, several hundred dollars, into an envelope, and told my auntie where it was. We had a good time together, talking and sharing about Grandpa. He lived in CT where I was born, my parents moved us to CA when I was 8 years old. I missed him and Grandma, but lots of letters were written and some visits were made.

I feel your pain. My father in law passed away last month. We had nothing planned except that he wanted to be cremated, and when we went to the funeral home (a very well known one), they were going to charge us $5,300! I knew no better, and thought that was the average cost until I told my friends and relatives, and they informed me differently. I looked online and found a wonderful place and had everything done for $868. What a difference! My point is, please don't let the funeral home take advantage of you in your frail state. In addition to taking your daughter with you, take a friend or two or other relatives, as well to get their advice and opinions as you're talking to the funeral director. We ordered 8 death certificates, and so far, everyone has wanted only a faxed copy - not original. I guess it all depends. I am in California. Yes, get them up front because it takes longer to get them afterwards. It is a learning process. Everyday we are dealing with someone or some paperwork regarding his death. I was told it takes time, don't try and do everything at once. On top of my father in law passing, my disabled mother in law has moved in with us. This was not planned, and although she is very sweet, it has been difficult having to take care of someone, as if I had a baby. All I can say is one day at a time. My thoughts are with you.

Marigold - how fortunate that things seem to be working out for you & your family.

This has been an interesting series of posts. Perhaps the forum administrator could start a list on this forum from of stuff to do when......situations: when they die, etc.

Like now we kinda have a quorum that 20 death certificates seem to be the right amount; that clothing can be made to fit (I've wondered about this as my mom is now teeny-tiny but the clothes she picked out are a size 8); that SS does a clawback of the last month.

Marigold..I am so very sorry for yourloss. My daddy died last week we buried him Friday.. I am just starting to do ...so glad your daughter is there to help!!! Blessings and prayers

Someone at our church organized a potluck lunch right after the service, that was so nice. We didn't have to bring anything or do anything. We hung out for a few hours and talked about my daddy and told stories. Everyone had something funny or touching to share.

I'm so sorry MarigOld for your loss. It will be overwhelming for several weeks but simply reaching out to many of us who have lost a parent is a tremendous step!

The funeral is most important time wise. I agree that you should keep the funeral arrangements simple. Do you have a pastor you like? The church should have someone who can walk you through the details. They usually charge for a soloist and you can choose between a lunch or just coffee and cookies.

Just looking at photos to pick out is a major job. It will bring up a lot of memories. I'm sure your daughter will be a big help. I just used double sided tape and a foam core poster board you can get at office max for displaying them.

Did your mother have an attorney? Was there a will? Do you have other relatives who can fly in and help? Do you have people at your church who are supportive? Ask for as much help as possible as it is difficult to think when you are grieving.

I think you request death certificates through the funeral home. I agree you should get about 20. Any time you request a change of name on something important like a car title, they will request a death cert.

Please keep reaching out for support. You will need it and we are here.

Hugs to you. I know what you're going through and I'm sorry.

Sorry for your loss, also! There is sure a lot of work to do, right when you are grieving and and it can be either really hard, or really good to have something to occupy you, or both at the same time. Stuff will keep coming for a couple of years, it seems nearly impossible to shut off the flow of mail and notices from organiziations, especially the ones who have several parts that don't communicate with each other very well. And if you find yourself out shopping, even quite a while from now and see stuff and think "ooh - I need to get one of those for Mom, she would love it!" that's normal, or so I am told. I hope you have good memories and good friends who will come out and support you, enough time off work to actually recover a little and get started on the funeral thank you notes...and that all the bittersweet stuff that keeps coming is more sweet than bitter.

I almost forgot. The only debts she will have is hospital expenses for this final illness. I think it will be pretty well covered.

Thank you all so much! I am hearing a lot of good advice.

My daughter and I went to the funeral home this morning and at the time I had not read this column. I got 10 death certificates and the funeral director said that as I need more I should call the funeral home and they will get them for me.

We did go rather simple on the funeral, but nice. The DVD, I think, is wonderful.

I spent the rest of the day calling her retirement money accounts and sorting through things. I did not call Social Security yet. The funeral home said to wait a few days. They are notifying Social Security and if I wait everything will already be on record there. He said that way I won't have to answer so many questions.

The funeral home did not try to sell me high end things. They asked me what I was thinking and I think they stuck with going conservative.

For the obituary, the paper is not going to print my grandparent's names. They did print my children's names and grandchildren's names. However, I notice on the funeral home website they did put my grandparents names. At least most of these people named are out of state.

They are going to make the clothes look like they fit. I am very thankful for that.

It appears that there will be nothing to be probated. I was given the name of a lawyer. I am going to call him tomorrow. He will look over everything for free and tell me if I need a lawyer. He is the funeral director's attorney.

Hugs to you across the miles. You have my deepest sympathy on the loss of your mother. You have been a wonderful and caring daughter. Blessings and take care.

Marigold, I am so sorry to hear about your mother. Many funeral homes offer counseling to their clients to help them through the legalities they will be facing. I hope your funeral home does. It makes it so much easier. Our funeral home contacted Social Security for us when my father died and gave us the paperwork to sign for death certificates. After the funeral, one of the workers came by to counsel us on what to do next. It helped so much. I hope your meeting tomorrow will be fruitful for you.

For now, you are doing everything like you should -- the funeral service and reception, and spending time with your loved ones. Allow yourself some time while you are waiting for the death certificates to arrive. If there are pension funds, IRAs, or other assets, you can call the companies and ask them to send you the needed forms to handle her assets, then wait for the death certificates to arrive. If your mother has assets that need to be probated, talk to your lawyer about probating the will -- that can be done when you are ready. Many times there is nothing to be probated.

Our thoughts are with you. Many of us have been through it, so I know there will be people to help if you need advice. Hugs to you and your family.

I am so sorry for your loss. We only get one mother. I pray for peace, healing and comfort for you and your family. Hugs to you.

For my MIL, the sons got 10 and it was not enough. Really every account she had - from insurance to credit card to utilities - will want a death certificate to close out an account. If she died with alot of debt, all the debtors will need it too. You can get them later but it is kinda a pain as you have to do a form and provide your documentation as to who you are and why you need it and they (this was a city vital statistics department in Texas) wouldn't take a check but only payment by money order or cashier's check and it can take weeks for later requests for you to get them. No one lives in TX either. My DH got an additional dz and hopefully this should do it. So 22 total.

Consider keeping funeral plans as simple as possible, your family and friends are gathering to say good bye and love and support one another, truly nothing really elaborate is necessary for that. A few flower arrangements, photographs of your mother, some music that was special to her, time for people to get up, speak and share stories of your mother and how she touched their lives. Your daughter's idea of a DVD is a lovely one.

There are little things that people are unaware of, like everytime the loved one's body is moved from one site to another, hospital to funeral home, funeral home to grave site; anytime her body is placed into a hearse they charge a fee. The funeral home will up sell you on everything; they know that because you are grieving, and because you loved your mother so much, they can guilt you into a very expensive casket and plot and the works. Embalming, this is only necessary if it will be more than a week until the viewing, it does cost extra, just something for you to consider. Don't worry about the clothes being too big, they will be pinned and/or tack/sewn to fit your mother. Take someone with you who is able to say "no" for you when you are struggling.

Yes, you will need at least a dozen death certificates and quite possibly more. Social Security will need one right off as the last payment will be taken back, (so don't spend it). The bank will need one. Not sure about the Post Office, but check.


Know this about a public obituary notice, scam artists use them to find victims. We chose not to put one in the paper after my father died in order to protect my mother and sister. My mother was in a very tender state and she would have let anyone into her life at the time. For myself I figure that the people who love me and care are already a part of my life and will know that I have passed on because they ARE in my life. I don't want anyone harming my family so I will leave instructions for them not to bother with one. If you feel the need for an obituary, consider keeping all the family names to first names only for safety.

I have found some articles WITHIN THIS VERY WEBSITE that should be helpful. I admit that I don't have time to read them, I need to get up and into the shower. A friend just invited me to go out for beers since it's St Paddy's Day. :D

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/funeral-planning-checklist-145646.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/end-of-life-caregiving-tasks-150265.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/funeral-planning-151788.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/writing-a-eulogy-148900.htm

These were all articles found here in "End of Life and Hospice: Dealing with...". I never could find the rest of the title, *scratches head*.

I hope Marig0ld, that you can find something, anything, helpful in what I have written. Please be easy on yourself, don't expect too much of yourself. Let your daughter take care of you, let others pamper if they want to.

My prayers are with you.

Marig0ld, please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your dear mother. Lean on your daughter, she's there to help you. How fortunate for you in this time of need. My thoughts are with you.

My mother initially ordered a dozen when my dad died and she ended up having to order more. Social Security will need one, any insurance policy will need one, if Medicaid is involved, they will need one, all debtors will need one, any attorney for the estate will need one, etc..

How many should I get? Do you think 8? One for me to keep and 7 in case I need them?

Marigold - get several death certificates. usually the funeral home will ask you about how many you want. Ordering them initially is the cheapest and easiest way. It seems that every account that needs to be closed out or settled will require an original death certificate in order to do anything. And it's rare that they get sent back too.

I am very numb right now. She had told me what clothes she wants to wear and I have those, but they are going to be very big on her. She weighed 72 pounds when she died. I guess today, I need to figure out an obituary and write down grandchildren and great grandchildren names. She has a cemetery plot beside my father, but nothing else is in place. My daughter has been wonderful.

I am so sorry for your loss dear. Please know that you and your loved one are deeply loved and God will take care of you and her. My heart goes out to you, as well as, sending up prayers.

Please accept my condolences dear. You will be numb for a while. Accept the offerings of food and sympathy. Understand that people sometimes don't know what to say to you. Accept their hugs and know that they truly care. They will tell you to call them if you need anything. Take them up on their offer if you do need anything. The funeral home will help you through this process from start to finish. Remember to eat and to take care of yourself. She would want you to celebrate her life. Remember, it was a good life at one time. You will miss her, but you will be with her again one day. God Bless.

Marigold, I'm so sorry about your mom. My mom died a couple of years ago from cancer, and even though she had gotten down to 80 lbs and her body was deteriorating and I KNEW it was better if she died, it was still awful. So I understand that part for sure. My dad had everything arranged thru hospice, as to where her body was taken and he and mom had written out what she did and didn't want about a funeral etc. Did you know what your mom wanted? You must have something in place for the immediate future right? I'm glad you're getting support from your daughter, you're going to need it. Keep your girl in the loop so that when/if you don't have the strength to follow thru at that moment, she'll know what to do. I had my mom's clothes on hangers in the back seat of my car for 2 days while I worked out what to do with them. Dad wanted me to take them, I think because it was too hard for him to see his wife of 63 years, her clothes hanging in the closet. Well I took them and like I said, they took up the backseat of my car until I finally found a good home for them. Hauling them around didn't bother me, but as soon as I leaned in and started to gather them up I fell apart. All I could smell was mom's favorite perfume, and cry. My hubby took over for me, and I went in the house and cried some more. Expect the unexpected when it comes to your emotions over the next year for sure. Well, maybe not just a year... just yesterday I was thinking that I sure wish I could talk to my mom, and it's been 2 years for me. Sorry again. I get it.♥