Mother is in denial of needing a care facility. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

Mother is in denial of needing a care facility. Any advice?

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She needs a new hip, can hardly walk and has never had friends so she sits alone all day. She was an abusive mother to me so I fight guilt of not wanting to move her to be near to me. Brother is also avoiding her due to her anger in the past. Now she is just whining and seeks attention. The last of her generation so no one else to care for her.

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Hi DeeJay - how are you doing? Sorry I didn't get here sooner. July is a hard month for me.

The two other responses are good. My mother has been emotionally abusive all my life. She has borderline personality disorder and is narcissistic. In the last few years she developed vascular dementia and things really went down hill. I live in a different city 5 hrs. drive away. When she was in her 90s we moved her into an ALF and then another one. She knew an ALF was her only option as I would not take her into my home.

If your mum needs a new hip then the medical people will be involved. In she planning on a replacement? There should be a evaluation of her needs after surgery. Will she be able to continue to live alone? Things started to work for me out once professional people were involved, including geriatric psychiatrists. Up until then it was more and more demands and difficult behaviours. If your mum is just whining and attention seeking you can learn to ignore that. The guilt you are feeling is called false guilt and not due to you doing anything wrong, but due to buttons planted by your mum when you were young so she could push them and manipulate you to do what she wanted. Regardless, she will never be happy and there is nothing you can do to make her happy, nor is it your responsibility. You can't change her, but you can change yourself and learn to deal with her better from your own point of view.

You can be a distance caregiver. I have been for years now. Blannie and Sunnygirl are right. Get in touch with the authorities, let the know that you cannot help her due to past and present abuse, and that she needs help with her hip and her mood/depression. A psychologist Pauline Boss recommends that those who have been abused by a parent do not do hands on caregiving, as it is too emotionally dangerous for them, but they can help at a distance by getting others involved Good luck to you and let us know how you are. (((((hugs))))) I understand.
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You say you think she needs to be in a facility and she disagrees. Unless she's incompetent and you have POA, I"m not sure you can force her to go. And Blannie is right about reporting her to the authorities if you really think she's in danger. They can do an investigation to see if she is in danger living by herself or is neglecting her health. I don't have much experience with that. When I tried to do that for my cousin, the social worker told me to take care of it. So, if there is any family around, they tend to ignore it, though, it seems to me they have some obligation to investigate a person in need. I guess it depends on the agency.

If you can get her into the hospital, they will not release her to return home without a plan of someone to look after her. When they see she has no one, they would be inclined to get the authorities involved so they can find her placement.
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How old is your mom? What's her mental condition like? Is she able to take care of herself if her hip was fixed?

If she was abusive, you're wise not to bring her near you. Can you notify the Area Agency for Aging in her community, so that they do a wellness check on her and get her into a care facility if that's the best option for her? You can be her advocate without direct contact with her. There's a very good caregiver on here (Emjo) who can give you some good advice, I'll contact her and ask her to chime in.
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