Mother has dementia. May need Social Worker assistance and Father refuses


My mother needs to go into a memory or nursing home ASAP. To avoid the year long wait list most places have it appears we need the help of a social worker at a hospital. Last time my mother was taken to the ER and admitted the hospital offered a social worker to speak with my father and he refused. He is resistant to the idea of a social worker. I don't know much about them good or bad. Can anyone provide info on their experience working with one?

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Should be " many spouses do". One elderly aunt was bruised and beaten by my demented uncle who wanted to wander the highways of Daytona Beach. She died of a heart attack, he lived on, happy as a clam in memory care for three years after her death. She was convinced no one else could take care of him.

Another uncle with dementia dragged her around on a throw rug for three days after she fell and broke her hip. A family member showed up, 911 was called. My uncle tried to prevent them from " taking his wife away from him " and she WANTED TO STAY, SO AS NOT TO UPSET HIM.

There is sometimes very distorted logic going on in our parents' minds. When that occurs, we neec to take what action we can to prevent injury, death and further tragedy. We also need to protect ourselves from being sucked into unsustainable demands to maintain " independence ".
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Yes, most spouses do. That's why you need to get into talk to discharge planning first.

Look, you can stand on ceremony and say " yes, dad has rights". Or you can try, gently, to protect your dad's health. He may not buy it. If he wants to die taking care of her, that's his choice. But DO show him that there is an alternative.
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As the husband, he has a lot of rights to make decisions as her next of kin. Getting a social worker will not work around his rights as a husband. He can keep her home until he collapses from being overworked. Many spouses do.
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Likely the hospital wanted him to talk to the social workers in the discharge planning office.

Can you find out why your dad is resistant? What does he think will happen if he talks to one? Is he able to care for her himself without dying in the process?

You might point that if HE dies, he won't have any say in where she goes.
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