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Mother demanded discharge from rehab (post knee replacement surgery), father agreed. Now my father is crying for help from me. Mother always demanding, claims nursing staff ignored her demands, father claims rehab was kicking mother out. My father has never been able to stand up to mother, she has ALWAYS been mean spirited (some truth to being kicked out) but his agreeing to take her home resulted in a 911 call on the first night (she fell) and on the second day he called crying he needed help taking care of her. I resent the fact that he allowed her to come home knowing he could not care for her and that he thinks he can guilt me into taking time off from work, traveling to SC (I live in MA) and staying for an unlimited time as primary nurse for my mother. I had to move out of my house at 17 to save my sanity and have been in counseling to try to deal with her mean behavior and my father's lack of self. My siblings have also been attacked and are dealing with the same issues. We have decided to take on the financial responsibility of hiring a nurse/assistant. She will hate us for this.

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OGT - Good for you! It's bittersweet but your mental health and the relationship with your husband must come first. Leave the fetid and toxic relationship behind you and don't let it spoil what you have. Don't feel guilty, you've given - more than many people would give.
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Well, it has been a week since I have been disowned and it has been very rough on my husband and I. I transfered my anger and disappointment with my parents onto my husband. He has been very stoic dealing with my outbursts and accusations and it took me some time to realize what I was doing. Yesterday I called in sick to work and spent all day in bed crying, sleeping, crying sleeping. I exhausted myself. My husband came home and nicely asked me to talk about what was wrong and that is when I figured out what I was doing. He is so good at getting me to understand my feelings.
Today I woke up, walked the beach and had a very pleasant morning only to come back to find a message on my phone from the woman who a week before disowned me etc.. In a sweet voice (shudder) she said to call her, she misses her family.....This is so familiar, be mean, be sweet and then stab in the heart again. I am not calling her. I am done. She is poison to me, my husband and all other members of the family. This is my choice, my sibs can make their own. I AM DONE.
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Great advice but history will repeat itself......we go to bat for our Dad and he will insist we are wrong. He has "battered persons syndrome". He will agree with us privately but when the issue is brought up he will back down. He seems to be asserting himself more now as he told the hosp-rehab people he could not take her home because of his health so she is being placed in another rehab facility for more PT and support. Mom has been calling my sister saying my father will kill her if she is sent home. Mom wants my sister (now she is the chosen one to batter not me) to take her in. This is the sister with a full time job, a mentally ill 20 yo and who is a single mother of 4. Needless to say my sister said no.
My brother is having surgery next week so he is off the hook (physically not emotionally), the other sister has distance (England) on her side.
Funny thing, the morning before my "release from torment" my father said to me that he has just realized that none of us like my mother. Can you believe this! None of us stayed in that home past 19, we all self medicated (pot) , we all worked our butts off and paid for our own college educations, were on food stamps lived with roaches and rats all to keep our sanity. If we wanted to suffer the emotional abuse we could have lived in a very nice home, had help with college and maybe even had cars. So seeing how we chose to live our lives did not even give my parents a hint that we did not like our home life???!! Yes we have had some good times (grandchildren softened my mother for a while) but as soon as the kids got old enough they started to get shit on by my mother. Needless to say the grandkids want nothing to do with my mother either. Sorry to rant, but every time I get a rational suggestion I realize how irrational and dysfunctional my life has been. I keep moving forward.......thanks all
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oqt - if it were my dad, I'd call social services at the nursing home and tell them that he can't care for her at home even if her knee is better. They ought to be able to find someone to help them wade through the financial details. The state won't take the home since he needs to live there. It sounds harsh but at least you'll know he's free of her BS and she will be some place where her physical needs are met. I'd also ask the staff if she's as abusive to them as she is to family. Good on your for sticking by your guns!! it's hard and you'll feel guilty at times but you've done the right thing for your self and your own family.
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She will be a loney person but it is her fault and I would just live my life as if she were not there life is short and we do not need mean people in our life-none of us is promised a tomarrow-when my husband was mean to be I went into another room or if he was inrehab left and did not go back until I was ready when he was dieing he recognized other but pretended he did not know but I stuck with him and had him cremated as his wishes and made sure our kids were there at the end and kept him on life support until there was no chance of recovery-it took me many years to realize I did not deserve to be treated that way and just before the year was up I took of my rings-engagement and wedding band and do not care what others think and try to enjoy each day and will be paying his debts for years to come.
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oqt, wow, what a mom. I extend my deepest sympathy to you. If your mom is afraid of being alone she surely should've treated her family better, her "mistreatment" could very well assure her of being alone. It is a very sad situation and I'm sorry you've had to endure it.
Yes, you should move forward. It's difficult to recover from a mom like that. I know from experience. My mom didn't have the guts to call me and tell me she was "releasing" me, she went to a lawyer and I got a letter telling me the secondary POA she had "honored" me with was revoked, along with accusing me of stealing things from her. I was hurt, embarrassed and angry. Now I mainly feel relieved. Waves of hurt still come along sometimes. I always felt she didn't like me but it really hurts to have it proven to you, no matter what age you are.
My kids saw firsthand what an awful grandma they had. They think she's mean and have no love for her at all. In her attempt to turn them against me, she only guaranteed that they would turn against her instead. My adult life has been devoted to NOT perpetuating her hatred and meaness to my own kids. I thank God my father did not live to see this. It would've broken his heart. She is such a pitiful person.
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Well, I just spoke to my mother for the first time in three weeks. I had been trying to reach her at the hospital (each time I dialed the phone I felt like I was going to throw up) and my father claimed she did not hear the phone ring. I called his cell when he was with her and they claimed they missed the call. When I call my Dad at home he freely talks to me. ANYWAY I called my Dad this morning, told him I would call the hospital when he was there, forcing him to pick it up and give it to my mother. She attacked, as was expected, said I was selfish for not coming down during the crisis of her being at home against Dr's wishes. I explained I was not capable of taking care of her (physically and emotionally) etc and she lashed out, said I am free of her and not to expect to be in her will. If I ever inherited anything from her I would have donated it as it is money full of greed and hatred. Having been released, I am now going to move forward. I feel sorry for her as being lonely and angry is very sad but I cannot help her see life any other way. My father has even said he wants to leave her. He is petrified of taking her home. This is their bed to lie in. I have my own. I hope my Dad has some strength do talk to the Dr's and explain to them he has been battered (emotionally) and he fears her wrath. Good luck to him.........
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Update:
My mother is in forced rehab at the hospital and they only allow my father to visit between 4 and 7. He only stays about an hour before she berates him and kicks him out. Reports are her knee is getting better but she is not eating and she is depressed. Last week my father called to give a phone number to reach my mother but after numerous attempts at calling I realize she will not pick up the phone. Each time I try to call I get a pit in my stomach in anticipation of her answering and my l having to listen to her tirades. One of my sisters called while my father was there and he gave the phone to my mother and of course my mother blasted my sister, told her how selfish she was and of course went on and on about how she was going to kick my father out when she was better........heard that before. What stands out this time is that this sister has a daughter who has severe mental illness who is repeatedly hospitalized and my parents have only come up once when said niece tried to kill herself. My sister has lived this hell for many years and I believe my parents moved away to be away from everyones trouble. Funny how they expect us to run to their aid. I think the belief is that they raised us (fed & housed) until we were 17 and we in return owe them our souls. Our whole extended family (cousins on my mother's side) have similar dysfunctional families. My mother's mother really screwed her and her sister's over by deserting them and treating them like shit. I just do not understand why my mother and her sisters had to perpetuate the same mean behaviors as their mother. I hope I can break the cycle with my family. I fear I am sending the wrong messages to my children when they hear me talk about my mother. That said I have had to force my kids to be "nice" when she comes around. Interesting enough all the grandchildren believe she is mean (learned from watching her behaviors) and feel no real connection with her at all. Sad, I think my mother's anger stems from insecurity and fear of being alone yet she has repeatedly over 40 plus years berated us, verbally abused us in hopes of reducing us to compliant servants with no minds of our own. She is angry that the only one this worked with is my father..........Thanks for listening
oqt
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oqt, too bad your dad can't go visit your sister in England for awhile. It would be a good break for him, & a wake up call for your mother. But it's probably too late for him to grow the backbone that he allowed your mother to remove when they got married. There isn't a woman on earth that likes it when their husband stands up to them and tells them to 'put a sock in it' but sometimes it's necessary. Case in point.
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Now they should have learned their lesson and call the rehab and tell the social worker the problem and let social service deal with the both of them it sounds like your Mom may need to be placed do not let you Dad use FOG on you if she needs the care your Dad thinks she needs the social service can apply for medicaide since your parents do not keep you informed of their financias social service will be able to get this information and help them set up a care plan either in a nursing home or in their home-why are you paying for the nursing care your parents might have more money than you do-do not ruin your health or relationships on her when she is so mean to you-it is not your job to solve their problems-they are adults and if they can travel they can be involved in their health.
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Wow! I've only heard of one other case this severe. the adult kids would get together to enjoy each other and leave the parents out due to the Mom's crazy behavior. She finally passed away and they formed decent - not wonderful - but tolerable relations with their father. I wonder if this paranoia is really an attempt to mask some dementia? At least it's resolved for the time being. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY - you can only help those who want to help themselves and she obviously doesn't REALLY want help or she'd let it happen. Feel good that you did what you could!
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There is no helping my father. He will yes me to death and then turn on me the second my mother raises her voice to him. Believe me, history does repeat itself. Anyway, my mother is now in a forced rehab at the hospital with 6 hours of PT per day, my father can only visit from 4-7pm so he is getting a break and she has no-one to bully except the staff who hopefully give it back to her! Both of my parents are "with it" , no confusion, spells etc so declaring her incompetent will not work . We have no access to the Doctor (HIPPA) unless she allows it. We do not even know his name, or what rehab she is in!!!! The only access to information is my Dad who can only talk to us out of earshot of my mother. My parents have shared nothing of their life the past 10 years be it financial or medical. The only time we get "info" is when they travel (hotel, flights). I feel they do not trust us (why?), or anyone else. My mother is the only AUTHORITY.
FYI, my sister, who lives in England and just returned to work following gallbladder surgery, called my parents to see how my mother was. In stead of being nice my mother called my sister selfish, uncaring etc. for 1. having surgery the same time as she and 2. for moving away to avoid being near her. She chastised my sister for not coming to the US to care for her. My sister has 3 younger children, a job and lives in another country(!!!!) yet my mother demands her presence. I could go on and on but I will not. Thanks for the support. Taking here is helping keep sane. I am fighting waves of depression but I keep going. I guess the saying you can pick your friends but not your family rings true. I would NEVER be friends with this caustic woman.
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Tell your mother - in written certified letter if necessary - the infection could cost her leg! Then tell her that the DOCTOR does not believe she'll get the care she needs at home; that she CANNOT go home. Tell her he insists she stay in the rehab center and if she won't comply "they" will have her declared incompetent and assign a guardian to make decisions for her. If you can't tell her this ask the social services staff at the hospital to tell her. Make the health care professionals the bad guys and help your dad be strong enough to leave her there. If necessary, take him home with you for a month to force her to adjust to the rehab center. There is absolutely NO WAY you should sacrifice your job, income and financial security for this woman.
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i am so sorry for your pain- you know i once read a book call codependent no more- it changed my life- by melody beattie- try it
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OMG! I wish my mother was a doctor worshiper or at least thought the doctors might know something more than she. As I said she listens to no-one. I just heard from my father who told me my mother now is back in the hospital with a possible infection and her knee replacement is probably now non functional because she would not do her physical therapy. Her surgeon may have to put her under again and try to mobilize her knee. Hopefully she will be back in rehab after this hospital stay if only my father can hold his ground and say no to her. FYI she is now not talking to me and will no let my father talk to me. He had to sneak a call to me after he left the hospital. So predictable, so sad.
You know we can only sacrifice so much before we lose ourselves. Please take care of yourself, get some support (senior center, meals on wheels, Angel flight does dr appointments). I am lucky to have my siblings and husband who are here for emotional support. Do not let yourself get lost. Happy thoughts....oqt
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oqt: This has been one of my biggest challenges with my Mom. She sets things in motion, sometimes going against everyone's best advice, then asks me to bat "clean-up" when the result isn't what she had anticipated. If I resist she lets anyone who will listen know that her daughter will not help her.
She lets docs sign her up for every test imaginable and then won't follow their advice, but still wants to go back to them. She comes from that generation of doctor worshipers.
The manipulation is subtle - took me awhile to discern which was a real issue and which was a cry for attention. Meanwhile I can feel my health slipping away. But I still cannot figure out how much is too much to sacrifice for our parents.
Right now, running away from home sounds mighty tempting.... :o)
Take care, take it easy, and do what your parents "need" - their "wants" can wait until later.
Lilli
PS: hiring the nurse/assistant is a great idea - worth every penny in saved sanity!
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You are doing what is right, and you are wise in how you have chosen to manage the situation. Your emotional health and independence have been hard won. Hold on. My pleasure!
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Thank you. Your response brought tears to my eyes. I want to do what is right but I cannot physically and emotionally deal with my parents. I am in health care and over a 25 year career have been involved with people who have faced catastrophic diagnosis and I have seen first hand how people react to these situations. Most act with fear and then acceptance. They allow others, like myself, to help them. They respond to caregiving in different ways but only very few are angry and hostile. There is no situation that I have been in with my mother (when she feels ill) that she has responded with kindness for the help I (or my sibs) have given. She thinks it is our duty to do as she says, when she says,how she says. No matter how she treats us she thinks we should be loving towards her. It is horrible to see someone push away those that want to help and to know how unhappy she is. She listens to no one. Again, thank you so much for your response.
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Sounds like you are sane to me, and you are compassionate, to boot, as you are still bailing your Dad out. Your resentment is understandable given the background you have shared. Hold onto your hard-earned sanity and self-esteem. If anything can make you lose it, it would be the latest development in your parents' situation. Just keep thanking your lucky stars that you moved out at 17 to achieve better perspective. All the best!
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