She is 81, has Alzheimer’s and constantly complains how alone she is. She refuses to care for any type of animal so I can’t get her a pet. She’s currently living alone and tells people that when she meets them. She uses a walker but she can walk without it. She fell before under circumstances anyone would fall and she’s dependent on her walker. I think it’s good she uses it for balance but I’d like her to walk on her own too. When she repeats herself I tell her she already asked me that question 5x so she tells me she’d like to be around when I’m 81 and see how I act. She has a car and a drivers license but she refuses to drive, which is good, she shouldn’t be driving with moderate stage Alzheimer’s. What can I do so she’s not so lonely? When I take her out to eat, she cries, when I take her to the movies, she cries. When I’m just sitting with her talking, she cries and says she’s weepy and doesn’t know why. I want her to be happy, but I don’t know what to do besides hug her. When I call her she cries, her nose is stopped up and she’s sniffling. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.
It's a free 6 week class of a few hours weekly. Ours here in MI was taught by a psychologist (if I remember correctly), very skilled, attuned to elder needs, and excellent at teaching a course like this. It was hosted at the local JWF, which also had an elder care day program.
The manuals were so good I kept mine and still refer to it periodically.
Some other suggestions, hopefully delicate, as it's not my intent to offend you, but I am concerned about some aspects of your expectations.
1. At 81 and with ALZ, I wouldn't be comfortable with the concept of caring for a pet. Perhaps she is and that's why she won't agree. Instead, get a toy pet, something furry and realistic; the furry coat can create the sense of petting a live animal, and is soothing.
2. Honestly, I nearly choked when I read that you prefer your mother walks on her own. Seriously...she should be encouraged to walk safely, and if she prefers a walker, give her credit for recognizing this.
The threat and danger of not even using a walker for assistance frightens me. I think your mother has more insight into her own stability than you do, and even though I don't mean to be cruel, I would never consider feeling someone should walk on their own and w/o a walker if possible.
4. I think a safer alternative though is a rollator. It's 4 wheeled and better balanced than a walker, and has a seat on which someone can rest if tired. We got ours at DME supplier; I don't recall if we had a script or not, but at the time it wasn't that expensive.
It's one of the pieces of equipment that I'm saving for my own us, if ever necessary.
4. Get Mom an exercise bike that's only a pedal arrangement. She can be seated, use her feet to pedal as if she were on a bike. And she can use it sitting at a table to strengthen her arms. My father used one, and it really helped. He was able to walk at 99.
Drive Medical Exercise Peddler with Attractive Silver Vein Finish, Silver Vein | Rite Aid is an example.
5. I don't know why she cries at get-togethers, but it could be from loneliness, aging, fear of aging... literally a range of possibilities. But I would take a different approach and:
a. Don't criticize her any more, or at all. Instead, build her up and compliment her on the strength she still has and how she's so careful about her activities.
b. Ask HER what activities SHE would like to do.
c. Explore activities at the local Senior Center; check online to see if it publishes a monthly newsletter, and if so print it out for her and ask if she would like to attend any of the activities.
My father's SC has an excellent program, especially during the holidays. Seniors can have Thanksgiving dinners with other seniors. There are also various activities: quilting, senior trips, etc.
I think she could benefit from being with others her age.
6. Explore with her doctor getting her some at home PT to help strengthen her legs and arms.
7. "When she repeats herself I tell her she already asked me that question 5x so she tells me she’d like to be around when I’m 81 and see how I act. " Never, ever raise the issue of, or chastise someone for repeating her or himself. How do you think she feels when you tell her this?
Again, I apologize for being abrupt, but I think it's appropriate as you have good intentions, but some of the actions mitigate against their effect.
Best wishes for a renewed friendship with your mother!
PBA is not uncommon with AD. It can be treated. My wife had this condition, and it was treated successfully. Mention this to her doctor.
There are also senior programs available in some areas. I suggest a call to your local Council on Aging to find out what is available for your Mother. You are correct/she is correct that driving is now no longer an option. I am hoping you already have any POA in place, or that your Mom is still capable of appointing you if you feel knowlegable enough/capable of doing this difficult task of bill paying/record keeping.
I suggest for you a course on what Alzheimer's and other dementias do to the brain, so you will know that reminding Mom about repeating things isn't beneficial for her at all. You don't argue with or educate a disease/disorder such as dementia. There is also a lot of great information online for you. Consider watching Teepa Snow's videos also, available online and often recommended here.
Discuss with Mom's Doc whether or not a good workup with neuro-psyc doc for stages is appropriate, and whether or not an attempt with a low dose anti-depressant is worth a try. Sometimes this is depression and sometimes this is a function of a brain change.
I am glad Mom has you, and your concern, and you have an eye to her safety, and how long she can function alone. I wish you the best. There is a lot of information on AgingCare. Go to the top line where your Avatar is and click on
"care topics". There, alphabetized, you will find a huge wealth of info.