What to do with a Mother (82) who is constantly snooping through your stuff?

Does your Mom have memory issues such as dementia... if she does, she doesn't realize what she is doing and no amount of reasoning will help... you'll just have to grin and bear it.

Has she been evaluated for dementia? This sounds like the kind of loss of impulse control that can signal that cognitive decline, especially in the area of the brain that controls executive functioning. Sadly, it may be beyond her control.

Thank you very much for the responses. Firstly, she has no problems with dementia, she is very spry and "with it". She's very coherent and has no real memory loss. She;s still very capable of caring for herself. And doing her own chores. I'm with her almost every day and have not noticed any big changes with that type of thing.

Rummaging is a sign of dementia. So is hoarding. Check her purse when you leave a restaurant, it might be full of creamers, artificial sugars, jellies etc. Keep an eye on her when shopping. Mom picked up $25 gift cards and stuffed them in her purse. Fortunately they are no good until paid and activated.

Was she always this way? One big sign that something is going on, is that she took something.

Can you put most of your personal things in your bedroom or other rooms and add locks to the doors?

Of perhaps you could create a "snoop" dresser in an area accessible to her. Fill it with various stuff that isn't personal and let her rummage around in it.

Get fliers from nursing homes and funeral homes and put them in a folder marked PERSONAL. Put her name on the forms, inside.

Thank you all for your responses. It's not a new thing she did it when I was much younger; however I figured that since I'm an adult (53) she really should treat me as such. I love the idea of a snoop dresser so she can can rummage to her heart's content. Also I have put my really important stuff in the safe in my bedroom and will probably get a door lock; and bring my bag into the bedroom when I go to bed. I hate to do it; but necessary I guess.

Rosie, I wondered what it was she took from your purse. I wondered if it was something she thought you shouldn't have, or something that she herself wanted. If she is cognizant, there must be some purpose to the snooping. She really does need to understand that your stuff is not for treasure hunting. I wouldn't do a snoop dresser if she doesn't have dementia. I would just lock her out of my room. And make sure it is a lock that isn't easier picked.

Rosie, for whatever reason, your mom's behavior is unacceptable to you. If that is the main area of discord then it certainly makes sense to prevent unpleasant episodes by locking your things in your room. Should you have to? No. Do you have to? Yes.

This behavior really does sound like the first sign that something is not quite right in Mom's brain. Maybe she has always had these tendencies and her social filters are beginning to slip, so she acts them out more. In any case I think you will feel less upset about it if you don't take it as a reflection on you. Can't mother realize you are an adult and this is no longer appropriate at any level? This probably isn't about how Mom sees you. It is about her own internal urges.

If Mom suddenly developed a fascination with fire, I think you'd take care to keep matches inaccessible to her. This is similar. Keep your private things in a locked room. I like GardenArtist's idea of a snoop dresser. Maybe once in a while you could stock it with old pictures or other treasures to make it worth her while to look in there.

I would also keep an eye out for other inappropriate or strange behaviors. Some forms of dementia do not start with memory loss.

Come back and let us know how this is working out for you. We learn from each other!

Strange that I didn't mention it, since it is relevant. My mother has been in snoop mode recently. She hasn't been in my rooms that I know about, but I still don't like the idea that maybe she will come in and upset the rabbit or accidentally hurt her (the rabbit). I lock the rabbit room when I'm not around now. Better safe than sorry.

well, personally what I would do since she does not have dementia per say, I'd really give her something so see. Maybe roll up some oregano to look like joints, stick in some gay guy porn magazines, some receipts from casinos showing you lost hundreds of dollars, and just sit back and watch the fun. If you could get her reaction on tape, you could go viral on you tube!

I agree with making her a snoop drawer... I'd rather have my mother alive and well and able to snoop and be able to tell her every day 'I love you mom' and be able to embrace her than to have her gone never to see a smile or feel her touch.... Just remember when you was a child you was snoopy also... And she loved you!... Mine passed 4 days ago at 75 years old and I would have given her my last breath just to be able to tell her how much I love her...

Thanks Karen I needed that answer today. I just got thru a hissy fit when I discovered millions of washed up paper napkins all over the washing machine that my Dad had left in his pockets. What a mess! After your post I decided to see this as a love letter from Dad. Also the post about putting oregano and gay magazines in the bag cracked me up. My Irish mother would have called me a " dirty ting" LOL. After screaming in shock that is.

Gary, one of the things caregivers need to do before washing is check all the pockets for Kleenex. I learned that the hard way.

But interpreting the napkins as a message from your father is very touching and helpful.

Very maddening!!!!! My sister, with the woman from an agency we hired, would snoop through the other woman's things that was living in the house (my friend), who was caring for my mom all night (for free). They were convinced she was hiding things. Eventually I had to move in, and my sister, who lived down the street, would snoop through my stuff, every time I left the house. She would also go through all the trash every week before the garbage truck would come. By the way, she had time to do this, but not help care for my mom! I feel for you honey, it is very intrusive and upsetting!!!!

That is a behavior of some sort of dementia. It could be also that moving in with you has turned her life a little upside down. Unless this is something she has always done (been a snooper) she might be trying to find something that is familiar or something that she really thought she has lost. The denying??? Well, she really might not remember going through a drawer or closet. Before I moved my mom into a facility that's all she did was go from room to room looking for "something". She also constantly moved things from place to place. Couldn't find things all the time and blamed me or my dad for moving them where she couldn't find them. When she went to the facility EVERYone there would go into each other's room and rummage around. So yes like I said, unless she has always done it there is something wrong and she can't help it. You didn't say why you moved her in with you but until you figure it out about her mental condition you should put a lock or put things away that you don't want her breaking or taking. I know it's very hard to have her in your home and doing this just as it was for my mom when I lived with her in her home for a while. I'm not a doctor, just had experience with the snooping. Try not to get mad because I don't believe she can help herself. Good Luck and God Bless

Didn't occur to me until just now but perhaps she doesn't really realize she's not in her own home, doesn't realize that she's going through your things, thinks she is still at home and is just trying to find items of her own that might have been misplaced.

Anyone would hate to contact the police for stealing done by your best loved one: Mom or Dad. Snooping around someone else's belongings should never be tolerated whether the act is remembered or not. No incidence of bad behavior would ever be tolerated if it was in my household! How about possibly taking pictures, documenting bad actions and reporting unusual behaviors to her doctor?

My 95-year old Aunt moved in with me four months ago. She does have dementia. I caught her snooping several times and felt just as you do. I told her to stop being so nosy. Or if she asked me about something that the only way she could have the question was if she had been snooping, I called her on it. Anytime I ask her about something or call her on something, if she suspects I am going to be angry, or something she knows she shouldn't do, her go-to response is to lie. Quite frankly, I just called her on it. I would say...and now you are lying to me, which she denied. My response is to her was not to insult my intelligence. I am not stupid. It was pretty rough the first couple of months. I had to set some tough boundaries. But things are going pretty well now. A friend of mine told me I was dealing with a child. And, like a child that lies to keep from getting in trouble or hides things for the same reason, so does my Aunt. I have learned she has never had anyone call her on her "stuff". I do and things are better. Course, I am her last stop before a nursing home which she is petrified of going into so that may be why she's trying to cooperate. I have learned that I have been thinking of her as having a clear memory and cognitive thinking and she just doesn't. If I remember that she can't help it, it helps me to be loving and kind. Good luck.

Also...I forgot to say this. I have found my Aunt snoops when she is bored. I found an Adult Care Program at a local church and take her there as often as we can afford it. It has given her some stimulation and that seems to have helped.

Family does not have to live with bad behavior, even with a beloved family member. Yes, dealing with a dementia individual is like dealing with a very small child who has not learned the consequences of an action. Unlike a child, an Adult with Dementia will never grow out of this nightmare behavior. When managing care is no longer possible in family home arrangement, it is time to look into an assisted living care facility. If finances are a problem, the individual will be forced to spend down to Medicaid eligibility. Contact social services and an elder attorney for more advice.

A lock on your bedroom door isnt a bad thing.And as far as the other stuff? What does it really matter? Is she going to tell people stuff about you? Honey,its not forever.Put a lock on your bedroom door,and keep all of your private things there.Its hard,but believe me,if you keep her w/you? You will be very proud of yourself,because it is the right thing to do..And,I dont know about you,but I was a wicked snoop when I was a kid.I knew where

We went through the same thing with my mom in law so we locked our bedroom door. She cried buckets when she found out so my husband had to sit with her and explain we needed our privacy and that room was off limits. She never did figure out how to unlock the door.

I would put a lock on my door. Just change out the handle or the key type. If she didn't do this before and she shows no remorse she probably has dementia. It starts slow. My Moms was not being able to keep her checkbook or use a calculator. Her 3 hospital stays in three years excelerated it.

This was a sure sign of dementia for my Mom! I had to take my calendar down because she would snoop at my notes on it (she would forget where I was so she would hope the calendar had a note on it) she also would go through my mail on my desk (she thought I was keeping her mail, which I was )..

She was forgetting alot of things at the time but wasn't ready to admit to it..