My mother can't visit my father in the nursing home daily because the trip is hard on her. My brothers are mad at me for not taking her every day. What should I do?

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Dad broke his hip day ater Xmas and has been hospitalized since 122609; He was movd to an ext. care home/facility on Tue. 1=12. My Mom has told me that she cannot handle going to the Home (20 miles one trip) every single day because it is too her much for her. so I have been taking her day every other day. My brother, who lives in Arkansas is angry because I am not taking her every single day. He is coming tomorrow to taike her every take her every day amd when I rold her she was upset because she didn't think she could handle a 20 mile trip every day (she's 83 and Dad's 86). She is extremely senile and also has 2 large brain tumors that make her memory even worse, but it seems to be important to my brother that she be at the nursing home/rehab cente.r every day. She gets tired to easy and so fast and I want to do what is best for her. How should I approach this situation? My brothers already think that I don't do enough and this will just make the family situation worse. I'm not sure if Mom will stand up to my brother and tell him she doesn't feel like going over there and sitting for several hours ever day. Her mind is not capable of doing this (she has two large, but slow growing brain tumors, along with her severe dementia. Can youhelp me to deal with this possibly violent situation between me and my brothers. I am also on permanent disability due to Degenerative Disc Disease. two double 360 degree spinal fusiom on my lumbar spine amd the degeneration has spread to my cervical spine in the way of bone spurs, pinched nerves, and severe pain making it impssible for me to lift mu arms for mor than 5 or 10 seconds. I also have Fibromyalgia which contributes to my back pain by giving me pain in every joint in my body. I thought we had everything taken care of because my othe brother only wanted my Mom there evey other day, with a day in between to rest. He apparently didn't tell this information to my other brother and now I am being blamed for not taking her every day. The brother that lives in the same town as my parents and I keeps saying he is covered up at work and can't do anything to help, but when I called him on Tuesday afternoon to tell him about our visit he was at his stepson's baseball game, but he had just told my other brother that he was so swamped at work that his paperwork was piling up on his deskl The brother that lives in the same town as we do has done very little, although he tells my brother that lives in Arkansas that he has done eveything. In truth, my daughter is an RN at the hospital that my Dad was taken and she hs been the one to talk to the social workers and convice them that my Dad was an indipendent person before his fall. He drove my Mom to the grocery store and they also went out to eat about twice a week. The hospital would have kicked him out more than a week earlier if it had not been for my daughter. My brother didn't even have to deal with the social woriers. My daughter took care of everything and she forwarded all of the decisions by the social workers to me and I passed them on to my brother. The only real thing that my brother has done was "have a connection" with the Facility where he is at now which got my Dad into the Brookhaven extensive Care Rest Home. Other than that, I have had to beg him to take Mom to see Dad on one weekend day per week. I would take jher on the other weekend day (Sunday). Now both of my brothers are made at me because they think that I haven't done enough by by NOT taking my Mom to see my Dad every day instead of every other day. Have I been doing the wrong thing? Should I have ignored my Mom (and my pain) and took her to see him evey day? Your opinion meams alot to me and I would appreciate your feedbacl Please help.. I'm feeling so guilty and I have tried so hard! Thank you, Deise

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Good grief. Here's another solution. Do Webcams. You have one with your mother on your end and have the brother take his laptop to the nursing home and hope there's wifi or somewhere he can plug in. He is being cruel.

Another thing, and this is typical of one of my deadbeat sisters, is that she feels like she's a hero if she DELIVERS OTHERS to visit with mom. Or delivers an unwelcome baby miniature dachshund "Cause YOU certainly don't love Mom. She should have something to love." What a jerk. Anyway, I'll get off the gripe wagon about my sister.

I wonder how much the brother is UNwilling to do his own visiting and HELPING OUT. I average 12 hours day AT convalescent center or hospital when Mom was incarcerated. He should start piling up his own "on duty" hours, and HE can fill the gap now because your mother isn't up to it any more. "And that's how Sue C's it." (line from GLEE, my name's not Sue).
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Good points, naheaton and joygirl.
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naheaton, Good point. I agree.
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Dear Denise, I am brand new on the forum but just had to weigh in. I can't believe you get as much done as you do, with your own health issues, the health needs of your parents, and the challenges of the daily dynamics of all the lives involved! Your daughter being an RN at that hospital was a gold nugget that may not be appreciated by your relatives. It's like having an inside man on the ground at a sensitive time. With regard to an earlier suggestion to obtain a Dr's note stating your Mom is not up to the daily trip, I suspect it would be invalidated by your brother on grounds that you orchestrated it! It is my layman's belief that the daily visits by your mother to your dad, which your brother is trying to MANDATE, have something to do with some deep mental process of his own, some unresolved issue, whether a need, or some feeling of guilt that he himself did not do enough for his dad...I feel there is something personal that he (your bro) needs to resolve. In the meantime, I hope you are telling yourself several times a day, and in the night when you turn over, "You done good, Denise girl."
All the best, Joy.
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I'm thinking that the brother is forcing the visitations because he himself would want that if it were HIM in the nursing home. He needs to re-examine WHY he insists on the daily visitations. Is it TRULY for his mothers sake, or his personal beliefs?
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Right on, Reba!! And rliddle953, I agree that a visit every second day could be too much for Denise and her mom and probably isn't necessary. I wonder, though, if the father is asking for very frequent visits and this is why Denise and her mom feel that they must make the trip every second day. Denise, are you still out there? Could you tell us if your father is ASKING for frequent visits? Is this why your Arkansas brother says you should be visiting every day?
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I am 74 and I am taking care of my husband who 77 and has AD. The family for the most part have been very good. But I tell them how it is going to be. He is my husband. But with a mom all have a right to give some advice. But the one that is taking care of her needs to have the final say.
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I'm 76 and I can see your situation from a different perspective. Time is different when you are older. Your Father most likely wouldn't miss seeing your Mother. His surroundings are busier than he is used to and he doesn't need more company. It isn't his problem, the problem is with his family of children all wanting to prove they are the most caring child.

From my point of view, your Mother shouldn't have to go even every other day. This stress will cause her health to deteriorate even more and she can use this time to relax and work on her own health.

You have to be the strong one in the family. Take each day as it comes and try to make your life as good as it can be and do the same for your Mother. Allow your brothers to do what they want to do for your parents and try to not allow them to upset you with criticism. You are doing your best. Be confident in your caring and love for your folks.

God Bless.
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No don't let your brother have their way. Do what is good for your mother, she has to come first. Not your brothers wants.
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Your brothers are dealing with it as "best" they can. Let the brother who wants daily visits to help with that for a while. Let your own feelings of responsibility go for a while. I know it is tough, but your parents health status are quite bad right now, so any mis-steps now won't really make things much worse -- except for, well...you know.

Let him handle it a while. He may not be conveying it well, but he's coming over - let him.
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