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Dad broke his hip day ater Xmas and has been hospitalized since 122609; He was movd to an ext. care home/facility on Tue. 1=12. My Mom has told me that she cannot handle going to the Home (20 miles one trip) every single day because it is too her much for her. so I have been taking her day every other day. My brother, who lives in Arkansas is angry because I am not taking her every single day. He is coming tomorrow to taike her every take her every day amd when I rold her she was upset because she didn't think she could handle a 20 mile trip every day (she's 83 and Dad's 86). She is extremely senile and also has 2 large brain tumors that make her memory even worse, but it seems to be important to my brother that she be at the nursing home/rehab cente.r every day. She gets tired to easy and so fast and I want to do what is best for her. How should I approach this situation? My brothers already think that I don't do enough and this will just make the family situation worse. I'm not sure if Mom will stand up to my brother and tell him she doesn't feel like going over there and sitting for several hours ever day. Her mind is not capable of doing this (she has two large, but slow growing brain tumors, along with her severe dementia. Can youhelp me to deal with this possibly violent situation between me and my brothers. I am also on permanent disability due to Degenerative Disc Disease. two double 360 degree spinal fusiom on my lumbar spine amd the degeneration has spread to my cervical spine in the way of bone spurs, pinched nerves, and severe pain making it impssible for me to lift mu arms for mor than 5 or 10 seconds. I also have Fibromyalgia which contributes to my back pain by giving me pain in every joint in my body. I thought we had everything taken care of because my othe brother only wanted my Mom there evey other day, with a day in between to rest. He apparently didn't tell this information to my other brother and now I am being blamed for not taking her every day. The brother that lives in the same town as my parents and I keeps saying he is covered up at work and can't do anything to help, but when I called him on Tuesday afternoon to tell him about our visit he was at his stepson's baseball game, but he had just told my other brother that he was so swamped at work that his paperwork was piling up on his deskl The brother that lives in the same town as we do has done very little, although he tells my brother that lives in Arkansas that he has done eveything. In truth, my daughter is an RN at the hospital that my Dad was taken and she hs been the one to talk to the social workers and convice them that my Dad was an indipendent person before his fall. He drove my Mom to the grocery store and they also went out to eat about twice a week. The hospital would have kicked him out more than a week earlier if it had not been for my daughter. My brother didn't even have to deal with the social woriers. My daughter took care of everything and she forwarded all of the decisions by the social workers to me and I passed them on to my brother. The only real thing that my brother has done was "have a connection" with the Facility where he is at now which got my Dad into the Brookhaven extensive Care Rest Home. Other than that, I have had to beg him to take Mom to see Dad on one weekend day per week. I would take jher on the other weekend day (Sunday). Now both of my brothers are made at me because they think that I haven't done enough by by NOT taking my Mom to see my Dad every day instead of every other day. Have I been doing the wrong thing? Should I have ignored my Mom (and my pain) and took her to see him evey day? Your opinion meams alot to me and I would appreciate your feedbacl Please help.. I'm feeling so guilty and I have tried so hard! Thank you, Deise

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Good grief. Here's another solution. Do Webcams. You have one with your mother on your end and have the brother take his laptop to the nursing home and hope there's wifi or somewhere he can plug in. He is being cruel.

Another thing, and this is typical of one of my deadbeat sisters, is that she feels like she's a hero if she DELIVERS OTHERS to visit with mom. Or delivers an unwelcome baby miniature dachshund "Cause YOU certainly don't love Mom. She should have something to love." What a jerk. Anyway, I'll get off the gripe wagon about my sister.

I wonder how much the brother is UNwilling to do his own visiting and HELPING OUT. I average 12 hours day AT convalescent center or hospital when Mom was incarcerated. He should start piling up his own "on duty" hours, and HE can fill the gap now because your mother isn't up to it any more. "And that's how Sue C's it." (line from GLEE, my name's not Sue).
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Good points, naheaton and joygirl.
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naheaton, Good point. I agree.
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Dear Denise, I am brand new on the forum but just had to weigh in. I can't believe you get as much done as you do, with your own health issues, the health needs of your parents, and the challenges of the daily dynamics of all the lives involved! Your daughter being an RN at that hospital was a gold nugget that may not be appreciated by your relatives. It's like having an inside man on the ground at a sensitive time. With regard to an earlier suggestion to obtain a Dr's note stating your Mom is not up to the daily trip, I suspect it would be invalidated by your brother on grounds that you orchestrated it! It is my layman's belief that the daily visits by your mother to your dad, which your brother is trying to MANDATE, have something to do with some deep mental process of his own, some unresolved issue, whether a need, or some feeling of guilt that he himself did not do enough for his dad...I feel there is something personal that he (your bro) needs to resolve. In the meantime, I hope you are telling yourself several times a day, and in the night when you turn over, "You done good, Denise girl."
All the best, Joy.
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I'm thinking that the brother is forcing the visitations because he himself would want that if it were HIM in the nursing home. He needs to re-examine WHY he insists on the daily visitations. Is it TRULY for his mothers sake, or his personal beliefs?
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Right on, Reba!! And rliddle953, I agree that a visit every second day could be too much for Denise and her mom and probably isn't necessary. I wonder, though, if the father is asking for very frequent visits and this is why Denise and her mom feel that they must make the trip every second day. Denise, are you still out there? Could you tell us if your father is ASKING for frequent visits? Is this why your Arkansas brother says you should be visiting every day?
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I am 74 and I am taking care of my husband who 77 and has AD. The family for the most part have been very good. But I tell them how it is going to be. He is my husband. But with a mom all have a right to give some advice. But the one that is taking care of her needs to have the final say.
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I'm 76 and I can see your situation from a different perspective. Time is different when you are older. Your Father most likely wouldn't miss seeing your Mother. His surroundings are busier than he is used to and he doesn't need more company. It isn't his problem, the problem is with his family of children all wanting to prove they are the most caring child.

From my point of view, your Mother shouldn't have to go even every other day. This stress will cause her health to deteriorate even more and she can use this time to relax and work on her own health.

You have to be the strong one in the family. Take each day as it comes and try to make your life as good as it can be and do the same for your Mother. Allow your brothers to do what they want to do for your parents and try to not allow them to upset you with criticism. You are doing your best. Be confident in your caring and love for your folks.

God Bless.
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No don't let your brother have their way. Do what is good for your mother, she has to come first. Not your brothers wants.
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Your brothers are dealing with it as "best" they can. Let the brother who wants daily visits to help with that for a while. Let your own feelings of responsibility go for a while. I know it is tough, but your parents health status are quite bad right now, so any mis-steps now won't really make things much worse -- except for, well...you know.

Let him handle it a while. He may not be conveying it well, but he's coming over - let him.
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ezcare, No I am not having problems with my family. He is my husband that has AD. But I know what I am talking about. She needs POA. Her mom should give it to her and if she thinks something isn't good for her mom she doesn't have to let her do it. You can add what ever you want in a POA. Her sons are not going to stay with mom and take care of her because of the trip she wasn't up to taking. DeniseJ50 has to be the one to take care of her. Not any of her sons, they are free to go home. When you have someone in your home you are responsible for them. Not an outsider like other brothers and sisters. She knows what her mother can and can't do. Also they should listen to their mom.
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What wonderful advice these all gave you! Take heart, you are not alone. I bet you would stand the brothers attacks if you had an army surrounding and supporting you. Guess what? Here we are! You are awesome and doing exactly right for your parents. Be O.K. with you and what you can and can't do. Sure helps to know others agree and want to help you. Notice how simular all the advice is?
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Hi again Denise
It would seem that Reba and caresgiverslight were struck the same way as I was when I read about your brothers and how they expect so much more from you and your mother than is possible or makes sense. The idea of having legal backing sounds excellent and as has been suggested, have you talked to your mother's doctor and asked the doctor to state in writing that your mother should not be making a trip to visit her husband EVERY day. I am wondering what you think of the idea of a family meeting. Do you think your brothers will listen or would a meeting just end up being a big battle?
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Your mother is living with you? Get a Power of Attorney then he can't do anything. Check with a lawyer. You should have that anyway.
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DeniseJ50, your brothers sound selfish. Sounds like you have done your very best. When either shows up, you may proudly let them know that even in presence of your Mom. Remind them that your mother is not physically up to the task as she has said before, and also say that in her presence. If she says differently, you would have again done your best. If she decides to go, or, if they physically try to force her to go, you may need to call local authorities for help in making them realize that it might be an act of physical abuse to put your mother through the long drive in her present state of mind, chronic exhaustion and tumors. Don't allow your brothers to bully you, or your Mom. Don't feel guilty. The ones who sound like they are feelign guilty are your brothers, as well they should given their lacking sensitivity as your sharing illustrates. Also consider whether to let your Mom's doctor know what they are wanting to put your Mom through. The doctor may advise against it based on your Mom's medical conditions. Would the doctor call them, or write a letter that verifies that your Mom is in no condition to be put through daily treks to a nursing home to visit her spouse because both of her sons think she needs to do that? Ask your brothers why they don't visit your Dad at the nursing home daily, then come visit your Mom and let her know how he is doing?
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Tell your brothers to butt out. If your mom doesn't want to go she shouldn't have too. Find a way to keep him from doing that to her. Even if you have to get a lawyer. You are looking out for her health and he don't seem to care about it. She can tell him NO when he gets there. What is he trying to do kill her before her time.
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Denise---I read all the reply's-to date-and all were good. I do very much like the idea that ezcare had proposed. By having this family meeting, I think there will be more understanding among all parties, and much less stress on you. You do what is BEST FOR YOU, and stick to your thoughts.

Best,

Hap
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Denise, good luck with the Family Meeting idea. I hope your brothers will go for the idea and will be openminded during the meeting. If the Arkansas brother listens and tries to understand the situation then he may not be the jerk that, to me, he first seemed to be. It would be much better for everyone but especially for you, Denise, if your brothers and you were on the same page.
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Denise,
Maybe a Family Meeting is in order when your brother visits. Get everyone in the same room with your dad and lay it all out for them just as you did here in this forum. The advantage of having everyone in the same room is that no one gets information second hand. If your dad is "with it" he will help mediate the discussion since he is the source of the problem. If not, the meeting will clear the air and let you make your case for how difficult it is for both you and your mom to make the trip every day. It will also help mom realize that siding with your Arkansas brother is hurting you and her. Plus your dad may weigh in with the notion that he'd prefer NOT to have visitors every day since visitors tend to physically drain a person who is recuperating. Do not let the meeting end until everyone comes to an agreement about who does what and how often. If necessary, write out the schedule on a piece of paper and have everyone sign it and take a copy home with them so they have no excuse. Also, if the Nursing Facility has a social worker on staff you may ask them to facilitate the meeting and keep order. Most important for your sake: remain detached from the dysfunctional behavior your brothers are showing. Remind yourself often that YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN WITH WHAT YOU HAVE. If anyone else wants to do better, be willing to step aside and let them :-))
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One thing that might be happening is that the brothers might feel a little guilty and take it out on you. Whatever their reaction stay cool. You take a deep breath girl and don't get sucked into an argument. Take care of yourself. If they rant and rave remain focused on what you know that you can do. Who needs to know how many times you take Mom? Ics has a good idea about Dad. Blessings
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Dear Denise, my heart goes out to you. I myself can feel the dread of your Arkansas brother's pending visit. I suppose the two brothers will try to prove to each other what "good" sons they are and between the two of them they will wear out your mother proving their "goodness" and will drive you to near madness. The Arkansas brother sounds like a total jerk to me and the nearby brother, rather deceitful. If you were healthier yourself, you could "take them on" singlehanded but as it is, you need all of us in "your corner" and that's where we are.

I wonder what would happen if you took Lilliput's advice and let your Arkansas brother take TOTAL charge during his visit? What if he did take your mother for a visit to your father every day and she didn't speak up? What if she hid her tiredness because she knew the son wouldn't be visiting for TOO LONG? Would this mean that your Arkansas brother could say that he had "proven his point" (that your mother is capable of visiting every day) and therefore YOU were wrong for being concerned about your mother's stamina and therefore, SHOULD be taking her every day to visit the father? We know YOU are correct but your jerk brother would probably think he had proven HE was right. I wouldn't like to see you put in this position.

I am wondering if your mother's doctor might write a note saying that your mother should NOT take the daily trip to visit your father. You would then have medical proof to show your
brother(s). Also, would you be able to explain to your mother (and would she understand?) how YOU understand why she can't make the trip every day but that your Arkansas brother doesn't understand so when he arrives, you will back her when she tells him pointblank that she cannot and will not make the trip every day. What is this brother trying to do - kill her off?? HE should imagine being in your mother's shoes in her condition and figure out how often he would be willing to make the trip. I'd bet he'd be whining if he had to make the trip once a week!!!

I know you will receive lots of really good advice from this "caring community" and I'm sure every last one will say that what YOU have done and are doing is right-on good and couldn't be better. Your dad is where he is getting good care so you are looking after your mother's care. If your brothers are SO concerned about your father having company, then THEY had better do more visiting or arrange for friends to pay some visits. You and your mother are doing super to manage a visit every second day. God bless you and your mother and may those brothers of yours be led to a clearer understanding of the total picture.

Hey, I just thought of something - what does your FATHER say about all this? Is he complaining that your mother doesn't visit every day or does he understand that she can't? If he understands, then he'd better talk turkey to his sons and tell them to get off your back. If he is complaining, then we know why your brothers are the way they are - right? Stand as firm as you can, Denise. We are all with you and your mother.
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I would tell my brothers that because of your own health problems that u will comit to one day( or how many u feel u can handle) a week to take mom to the facility. They can pick the day that they want u to go. Tell them how many days and which days mom wants to go. For goodness sake she is 83 years old. If they aren't careful they will be visiting both parents in the nursing facility. It sounds like it is time for these men to grow up. If they get smart mouthed with you, tell them to get a life and leave u alone. Good Luck, Dane
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Perhaps your brothers could either visit your father or arrange for old friends/neighbors to visit him between times that you take your mother to visit him.

When my dad was ill for a short time before he passed away, I could only take my mom for 1 1/2-2 hours a day after lunch, and it was right across the street! Your brothers need to realize that you need to think of the wellbeing of BOTH of your parents, and that you are doing the best you can!
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RULE NUMBER ONE: Take care of yourself or you will not be able to care for anyone. It sounds like you have a working relationship with your mother and are sympathetic to her own needs. It's very easy for your brother to criticize what you are doing without lending any assistance, himself. Allow him to jump right in and take over when he gets there; he is unreasonable. You are a good daughter; keep on keeping on and do something really nice for yourself.
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Denise,
I wish I had a nickel for every relative mentioned in this forum that thinks that they "know better." They are armchair quarterbacks who judge you from a distance.

There is a Chinese proverb that goes something like this: "be careful for what you ask, for you will surely get it." When your brother visits, let him take charge and I mean REALLY take charge. Can you go somewhere else while he is visiting? Let him live in your home and take your mother to visit every day. Do not interfere. If she is tired of the grinding trip, she will speak up, if not, it is her choice. If you interfere, you will be blamed.

I have a brother just like yours. His favorite thing to do is "blow up" at everyone whenever he wants to shirk a responsibility. When I asked for help he got mad and just "checked out" but tells everyone that he is never asked to help. Since when do you need a golden invitation when you can see that your parents need you?

Stay calm. Respect your parent's wishes. Do not let your brothers cause you to be defensive. Never explain. If they want to be part of the solution fine, if not, then they need to keep their opinions to themselves. If they complain, ask them to come and help - that should end the conversation PDQ.

What your brothers do to you (and mine as well) is verbal abuse. I stopped buying into that game a long awhile ago.

Stay strong,
Lilli
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