How do I deal with my mother calling me a dictator?

totally agree redhed, approach is everything. unless the patient is endangering themselves i believe all decisions SHOULD be theirs to make. im 55, if my 25 yr old son talks down to me , actually sometimes he does and it never ends well..

It's a sign of her decline of control and the natural exchange of roles as your parent ages and you become the care-taker. You can tell her you're sorry if she feels you are not kind, but stick to your guns and tell her you do what you do for her own good. It's difficult for her to accept her decline, to relinquish control. Perhaps you can examine the way you talk to her and find a less 'assertive' way of speaking to her. There is a therapist named Teepa Snow (look her up on Google, she has her own website. They won't let us post a link here, otherwise I would) who has worked out excellent ways to communicate to resistant elders. She shows how to get cooperation from them while making them feel like they made the decision to cooperate with you.

In college I learned that 60% of people who must be 'leaders' don't realize how their language patterns negatively impact people in their charge. Step back and see if you can makes changes in your 'approach' with your mother that will encourage her to want to do what you request.

@ nancy,
elders are going to have falls , miss meds, throw fits, etc. if i were the elder id want to trade off a little bit of perfection and safety to have my own self determination. your approach would be met with a half a panzer division ( a little bony fist in the eye ) by me.

Texas, I guess I see it differently. Who cares if she calls you a dictator? Tell her 'you're right mother I AM A DICTATOR. NOW PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND DO WHAT I SAY'. I'd stop arguing about the dictator thing all together. As long as she goes along with what you're telling her to do for her own safety, you're good to go I'd say. ♥

tell her paybacks are a bitch aren't they? Bet as a teenager you might have thought about her in the same way when she was just looking out for your best interests as you are for her.
to coin a phrase- Hope I die before I get old.....

Jinx, I like the mustache idea. Adopted! Now I know how I'm going to use all those old markers we have lying around.

I overheard my sister referring to me as "the tissue Nazi" - ongoing battle with mother about snotty soggy used Kleenexes and the proper place to keep them, long story… I assumed she was being humorous.

I agree with everyone above, especially that your mother is probably more resentful of losing her independence than she is, really, blaming you for it - and as you're already dealing with her as tactfully as can be, I'm sure you also see how hard that is for her. Only you know whether your mother would react better at a particular time to light-heartedness or sympathy about the fact that she needs your help, and that sometimes that's going to feel to her like "being ordered around" (even though you're not doing that); but keeping your own sense of humour will definitely help you.

Now, repeat after me: "let them hate me so long as they fear me..!"

I have no idea whether you control Mom's every breath, or if you simply insist on her taking her pills once a day. I assume you are NOT a dictator, though.

As the mother of a recent teenager, and the spouse of an ALZ husband, my advice is to choose your battles. Don't try to make her eat her broccoli. Let her have ice cream sometimes. MAKE her put on her seatbelt EVERY time. She is old and dying, however long she has. Making her do what's best for her all the time may not be worth it. Forcing her to avoid danger is worth fighting for. Letting her enjoy life as much as possible is worth fighting for.

You really have my sympathy. Finding a good balance is so much harder than either letting her do whatever she wants OR making her always do what's best.

You feel very hurt, but she is not really angry at you. She is angry because she is old and powerless and maybe in pain. Remember that she really does love you, if she was a pretty good mother. She hasn't stopped loving you. She is just very very cranky.

Try humor and sympathy. If she uses the word dictator again, draw on a Hitler mustache and fake a German accent. "You vill take your pillss now!" Or say, with sympathy, "Oh. Mom, it seems like I'm always bossing you around. No wonder you don't like it. You still want to run your own life. I don't blame you."

Good luck to you.

I call myself "the Sergeant" with my mom when I want to get her to do something. My dad was a Chief Master Sergeant in the Air Force, so like father, like daughter. I agree with Jessie, that your mom is really reacting to the loss of her ability to handle things without help. It must be tough, particularly if your parent was very independent (as my mom was). And the role reversal can be hard on some parents and children.

In a quiet, calm moment, I'd have a heart-to-heart with your mom about why you ask her to do certain things. Also ask if there's a better way to approach her about what she needs to do, one that won't get her hackles up. Maybe there's a better way to word things or to give her some kind of choice, or more notice about what she needs to do. I just tell myself whatever I do, I'm doing to keep my mom safe and healthy, whether she understands that 100% of the time or not. I'm sure you are too. Hugs.

And Captain, you're too funny. :)

jesses is obviously the better reply but mine does draw one hilarious visual.
let your mother be in charge. everything i ever discussed with my mother was the various options and which did she think was best. only went against her will one time when she was having a phsyc episode and i had her hauled off in the rubber truck. she was given a tranq shot and released back to home but man i was the devil, rolled up in mussolini with a sprinkle of charlie manson for a few days.

I have a feeling that it is her way of saying that she resents not being in charge anymore. Parents can have a hard time with the partial reversal of roles that happens when they get older. Living together under one roof can be challenging indeed. If you are being reasonable and kind, I wouldn't pay the words any attention. They were probably said at the spur of the moment in a bout of temper.

denounce it firmly with a frothing 3 hour oratory in front of about 4 million western europeans in nurnberger square.