How do I deal with my mother calling me a dictator?

Say, about the haircut...my approach is to step back and allow your parents to do their own things: whatever they can still do, as long as they can. If your Mom wants to grow her hair, so what? If my Mom likes her pointy, glass tables and doesn't care if she impales herself on them in a fall, you know what? She won't allow anyone to tell her differently so ok. It's her choice. I have cut back my "caregiving" to on call as needed only. I am slowly detaching, one tear at a time.
I have said good bye thousands of moments and I can let God and my mother have their own conversation. I am out of it. There seems to be no need for me other than chauffer and shopping mate, and that is done for her without much appreciation. I have gotten quite bloodless about this now. I feel like I am waiting for the big event. Even in the hospital she was verbally abusive. Next time I am simply leaving. I can't take any more of her. It's a matter of survival for myself at this point. She has no idea how to relate to a daughter who grew up and has boundaries. That's her problem. I have tried and having a simple conversation is now just unreasonable to expect.
Do you all feel any of this? How else can I cope?

judda, you hit my feelings about everything squarely. I don't like how detached we can become, but sometimes it is the only thing we can do. When boundaries are not respected, all we can do is pull ourselves and our boundaries further back. And when suggestions and caring are rebuffed or ignored, all we can do is wait for whatever happens. I don't like feeling this way at all. It makes me feel like I'm mean and not a very good person. Then I have to realize that it's not me for the most part. I'm just trying to get by in a situation where most would have given up already.

Emjo, so sorry it never really changes does it! You can walk away for a time but its right there waiting for you when you get back. I've been scanning the pages on this blog as I ask myself why am I going back, oh yes, I'm an only child and there is no one else to do the packing. I'm feeling a bit mental tonight and today really, trying to keep a good attitude but the job market just really doesn't respond to 57 years experience. I'm trying not to go to the DARK SIDE.... but man I can say it hear it really pisses me off they wouldn't agree to move here really pisses me off. At least this attorney the NEW and improved attorney is wonderful. The attorney that caused this snow balling of events. I got a letter from the Supreme Court they are going to investigate this matter further taking it to district three whatever that mean. Bad attorney is being investigated on ethics charges. Again I wished the parents would have thought to move here but my mother said they'd already bought the burial plots 15 years ago at Mr. Woody's, she said that's who everyone goes too, good Grief. Thanks for letting me vent!

Zoolife, I had to go get my license renewed yesterday. When I was waiting, the boss lady was taking a new employee around to meet everyone. The lady looked to be about 65 years old. All I could think was Way Cool.

JessieBelle, Thanks for sharing this, gives me hope, however I'm curious was she a biochemist prior to her new position? I'm just kidding...... I was sitting in the resume writing class with a biochemist..... Thanks for sharing this it does give me a lift. When the time is right, Right! Hope you're well Ms. Belle

Care4Mama, I'd pick the battles. Maybe Mom should get to do what she wants with her hair. Judda, yeah, you have to lower expectations. If Mom used to be different try to remember that and realize her social skills and empathy are diminished by her cognitive impairment; now there is no filter, no perspective taking. Try not to let it tear you up too bad. My mom was telling me I looked like a drip when she actually could not really see due to strokes involving the visual cortex...actually my mom was harsh and critical all her life and as a young adult I learned to stop asking for and expecting affection and approval that she did not have to give. She could give hospitality and show some other kindnesses, but her problem was needing to appear perfect at all times, and darn it, my imperfections were always a pretty serious obstacle to her being the perfect mother. Getting called stupid for not following her multiple unwritten rules of keeping up appearances was always lots of fun too...though that process is often called "detaching" I never stopped loving or caring, and in her own way Mom did not either, but there had to be a lot of boundaries and distance, and it was never the relationship it could have been. Dad, though, said he was proud of me. Actually to my face, not just when I was out of earshot. That meant a great deal to me and oddly enough it was not as difficult a grief when we lost him, just because there was so much less regret, I guess! I still catch myself struggling with acceptance of my mom at times though she is gone now nearly 3 years.

PS congrats on the "bridge-burning" ceremony aka getting rid of fat clothes. It's a good milestone!

Judda and vstefans, I get what your saying. On one hand I think, "Okay, let mom decide and get a haircut when she wants" and on the other hand I'm thinking, "No, mom needs me as she always got her hair cut every month when she was on her own." I feel like by my doing it for her....even if she gets irritated.....I'm thinking for her in ways she can't do for herself anymore....and she gets compliments on her hair style.

She has a hair appointment coming up.....maybe I'll mention it to her.....see what she says.....if she fusses.....I'll cancel it! Then weeks later I'll hear about how it's in her face, etc. Ugh, caregiving is emotional on so many levels.......even the little things....... :p

To cut or not to cut that is the question. I have been thinking of letting mine grow to but probably won't. I have however stopped getting my hair shampooed it is just too hard on my back to lean backwards in the chair. lots of things overtake you as you age. I am fortunate in not having dementia so can express things that are going on and take care of them in my own way. Emjo do you deal the same way? CarolLynn I know you are severely disabled but a little younger, how do you cope? my view is that where there is a will there is a way.

Care4 I was thinking the same thing when I posted so I tried to hedge a bit. If she is just being lazy or anxious and would normally want the hair cut then maybe insisting she get it done is the best thing, it would convey that she has a life to live and not to let herself go, it is still worth the effort! On the other hand if she genuinely wants to try something new, or is giving up something that she has willingly decided is not important any more, make sure there is room for that too.

I watched as my elders minimized then gave up Christmas decorating...it was always a harbinger to depression and decline...whether is was the chicken or the egg or both, I do not know. So I fight my hubby and son, who bascially prefer to live like bachelors, LOL, though they occasionally acknowledge my near-futile efforts to clean and organize a little, when they suggest there is no need to bother with that just for those few weeks every year. I can guarantee you if I didn't do most of it and insist on the little bit of help I do get with it, the neighbors would think we were Muslims by now. I am no stranger to cajoling people into doing stuff that they will truly enjoy once they get their rumps off the couch or favorite chair to do it...and not always suceeding, either.

I was my mother's doormat daughter. Now I call myself her deadbeat daughter. There was never a happy medium nor compromising with dealing with her needs. It came down to all or nearly nothing in regards to her wants and needs. Now she has no choice about having others help her because her doormat got swept out of her life. The little that I do for her (taking her to medical appointments with 2 hours of driving time, cost of gas and unpaid time off from work) has earned me the new title of deadbeat daughter. Oh well! Beteer to be spit at then spit on. LOL

Hi Veronica - just saw your post. I believe where there is a will there is a way. I am used to having to figure things out as I was born with only one hand but am not disabled. I do what I want to do. I believe in a healthy lifestyle as being the best medicine. It means changes as you age, but rather those than the ones that come from an unhealthy lifestyle. There is also an aspect of gracefully accepting and adjusting to aging, but not "giving in". It is thin line. Dylan Thomas - "Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day". I don't know about burning and raving, though that can come too, lol, but, I prefer to keep going, set goals, even ones uncommon for those of my age, and find ways around the obstacles (particularly the physical ones) which do increase with age. There is a certain amount of good or bad fortune that comes to all of us. I try to work around the bad fortune. vstefans - love your "my near-futile efforts to clean and organize a little" Oh Lordy me, that strikes home My man is a packrat. I thought I was one till I saw what he keeps. Periodically I have a burst of energy and make a difference. I also insist he confine certain things to certain rooms and I don't allow much spill over. My front hall is NOT the place to store horse medicine!!! The dining room table which gets used as a desk is the latest challenge - working on that one.
debralee - you are anything but a deadbeat and I congratulate you for setting boundaries and sticking to them. It isn't easy but is necessary.
((((hugs)))) to all of us in our various struggles.