How do I deal with my mother calling me a dictator?

Hi Veronica - just saw your post. I believe where there is a will there is a way. I am used to having to figure things out as I was born with only one hand but am not disabled. I do what I want to do. I believe in a healthy lifestyle as being the best medicine. It means changes as you age, but rather those than the ones that come from an unhealthy lifestyle. There is also an aspect of gracefully accepting and adjusting to aging, but not "giving in". It is thin line. Dylan Thomas - "Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day". I don't know about burning and raving, though that can come too, lol, but, I prefer to keep going, set goals, even ones uncommon for those of my age, and find ways around the obstacles (particularly the physical ones) which do increase with age. There is a certain amount of good or bad fortune that comes to all of us. I try to work around the bad fortune. vstefans - love your "my near-futile efforts to clean and organize a little" Oh Lordy me, that strikes home My man is a packrat. I thought I was one till I saw what he keeps. Periodically I have a burst of energy and make a difference. I also insist he confine certain things to certain rooms and I don't allow much spill over. My front hall is NOT the place to store horse medicine!!! The dining room table which gets used as a desk is the latest challenge - working on that one.
debralee - you are anything but a deadbeat and I congratulate you for setting boundaries and sticking to them. It isn't easy but is necessary.
((((hugs)))) to all of us in our various struggles.

I was my mother's doormat daughter. Now I call myself her deadbeat daughter. There was never a happy medium nor compromising with dealing with her needs. It came down to all or nearly nothing in regards to her wants and needs. Now she has no choice about having others help her because her doormat got swept out of her life. The little that I do for her (taking her to medical appointments with 2 hours of driving time, cost of gas and unpaid time off from work) has earned me the new title of deadbeat daughter. Oh well! Beteer to be spit at then spit on. LOL

Care4 I was thinking the same thing when I posted so I tried to hedge a bit. If she is just being lazy or anxious and would normally want the hair cut then maybe insisting she get it done is the best thing, it would convey that she has a life to live and not to let herself go, it is still worth the effort! On the other hand if she genuinely wants to try something new, or is giving up something that she has willingly decided is not important any more, make sure there is room for that too.

I watched as my elders minimized then gave up Christmas decorating...it was always a harbinger to depression and decline...whether is was the chicken or the egg or both, I do not know. So I fight my hubby and son, who bascially prefer to live like bachelors, LOL, though they occasionally acknowledge my near-futile efforts to clean and organize a little, when they suggest there is no need to bother with that just for those few weeks every year. I can guarantee you if I didn't do most of it and insist on the little bit of help I do get with it, the neighbors would think we were Muslims by now. I am no stranger to cajoling people into doing stuff that they will truly enjoy once they get their rumps off the couch or favorite chair to do it...and not always suceeding, either.

To cut or not to cut that is the question. I have been thinking of letting mine grow to but probably won't. I have however stopped getting my hair shampooed it is just too hard on my back to lean backwards in the chair. lots of things overtake you as you age. I am fortunate in not having dementia so can express things that are going on and take care of them in my own way. Emjo do you deal the same way? CarolLynn I know you are severely disabled but a little younger, how do you cope? my view is that where there is a will there is a way.

Judda and vstefans, I get what your saying. On one hand I think, "Okay, let mom decide and get a haircut when she wants" and on the other hand I'm thinking, "No, mom needs me as she always got her hair cut every month when she was on her own." I feel like by my doing it for her....even if she gets irritated.....I'm thinking for her in ways she can't do for herself anymore....and she gets compliments on her hair style.

She has a hair appointment coming up.....maybe I'll mention it to her.....see what she says.....if she fusses.....I'll cancel it! Then weeks later I'll hear about how it's in her face, etc. Ugh, caregiving is emotional on so many levels.......even the little things....... :p

PS congrats on the "bridge-burning" ceremony aka getting rid of fat clothes. It's a good milestone!

Care4Mama, I'd pick the battles. Maybe Mom should get to do what she wants with her hair. Judda, yeah, you have to lower expectations. If Mom used to be different try to remember that and realize her social skills and empathy are diminished by her cognitive impairment; now there is no filter, no perspective taking. Try not to let it tear you up too bad. My mom was telling me I looked like a drip when she actually could not really see due to strokes involving the visual cortex...actually my mom was harsh and critical all her life and as a young adult I learned to stop asking for and expecting affection and approval that she did not have to give. She could give hospitality and show some other kindnesses, but her problem was needing to appear perfect at all times, and darn it, my imperfections were always a pretty serious obstacle to her being the perfect mother. Getting called stupid for not following her multiple unwritten rules of keeping up appearances was always lots of fun too...though that process is often called "detaching" I never stopped loving or caring, and in her own way Mom did not either, but there had to be a lot of boundaries and distance, and it was never the relationship it could have been. Dad, though, said he was proud of me. Actually to my face, not just when I was out of earshot. That meant a great deal to me and oddly enough it was not as difficult a grief when we lost him, just because there was so much less regret, I guess! I still catch myself struggling with acceptance of my mom at times though she is gone now nearly 3 years.

JessieBelle, Thanks for sharing this, gives me hope, however I'm curious was she a biochemist prior to her new position? I'm just kidding...... I was sitting in the resume writing class with a biochemist..... Thanks for sharing this it does give me a lift. When the time is right, Right! Hope you're well Ms. Belle

Zoolife, I had to go get my license renewed yesterday. When I was waiting, the boss lady was taking a new employee around to meet everyone. The lady looked to be about 65 years old. All I could think was Way Cool.

Emjo, so sorry it never really changes does it! You can walk away for a time but its right there waiting for you when you get back. I've been scanning the pages on this blog as I ask myself why am I going back, oh yes, I'm an only child and there is no one else to do the packing. I'm feeling a bit mental tonight and today really, trying to keep a good attitude but the job market just really doesn't respond to 57 years experience. I'm trying not to go to the DARK SIDE.... but man I can say it hear it really pisses me off they wouldn't agree to move here really pisses me off. At least this attorney the NEW and improved attorney is wonderful. The attorney that caused this snow balling of events. I got a letter from the Supreme Court they are going to investigate this matter further taking it to district three whatever that mean. Bad attorney is being investigated on ethics charges. Again I wished the parents would have thought to move here but my mother said they'd already bought the burial plots 15 years ago at Mr. Woody's, she said that's who everyone goes too, good Grief. Thanks for letting me vent!

judda, you hit my feelings about everything squarely. I don't like how detached we can become, but sometimes it is the only thing we can do. When boundaries are not respected, all we can do is pull ourselves and our boundaries further back. And when suggestions and caring are rebuffed or ignored, all we can do is wait for whatever happens. I don't like feeling this way at all. It makes me feel like I'm mean and not a very good person. Then I have to realize that it's not me for the most part. I'm just trying to get by in a situation where most would have given up already.

Say, about the haircut...my approach is to step back and allow your parents to do their own things: whatever they can still do, as long as they can. If your Mom wants to grow her hair, so what? If my Mom likes her pointy, glass tables and doesn't care if she impales herself on them in a fall, you know what? She won't allow anyone to tell her differently so ok. It's her choice. I have cut back my "caregiving" to on call as needed only. I am slowly detaching, one tear at a time.
I have said good bye thousands of moments and I can let God and my mother have their own conversation. I am out of it. There seems to be no need for me other than chauffer and shopping mate, and that is done for her without much appreciation. I have gotten quite bloodless about this now. I feel like I am waiting for the big event. Even in the hospital she was verbally abusive. Next time I am simply leaving. I can't take any more of her. It's a matter of survival for myself at this point. She has no idea how to relate to a daughter who grew up and has boundaries. That's her problem. I have tried and having a simple conversation is now just unreasonable to expect.
Do you all feel any of this? How else can I cope?

Today I didn't agree with Mom about something and she immediately went into Drama Queen Overdrive! By the time we got to the senior center for her exercise class I happened to pull up behind a big truck that was picking up donated clothing from a big metal drop box. I had clothes in the back seat I wanted to give away, but Mom wasn't aware of that.
"What are you doing? Why don't you just give yourself to them?" She laughed in her best sarcastic evil voice. And I had a fast reply: "These days, now that I have some self esteem, I am only going to give them my clothes!" I jumped out of the car and left Mom sitting there with a dropped jaw. A young man came to help me with the bag. "Here you go. I lost 15 pounds and won't need these anymore!" And I held my head up high and got back into the car with a real smile.
Yeah, this is going to be my year, baby!!

Here's how I felt yesterday. It helped to write it down and I am happy to share it with you.

Another shopping trip with Mom. New lessons learned every time.
She tries to control everything: the temperature in the car, the volume of my voice, the flow of my thoughts. She is stuck in her own mind by choice, or at 92 is there less and less mind and less and less choice? She looks like the mother I knew and loved, but that person doesn't exist anymore.

Maybe I could share one little experience or thought, I think and I try. She doesn't hear, doesn't want to hear it, criticizes it or me, in general, shuts the door. Bam.
Enter the new me: a shell of myself to pretend having a conversation with the shell of herself. How far are we going? 7 miles of awkwardess seems like an eternity.

At her apartment she forgot the keys somewhere. I use the pair I made for this purpose. It's happening more frequently. Certain things like how we open the car door and bring up the groceries are repeated every time. No lessons are learned from the last time for either of us.

How do I like the portrait she did of her best friend? I think it is as frozen and forced and unreal as we are now. "It's nice." is all I can choke up. I offer a few questions about it but she interrupts and has her own story about why it is the way it is and she is going on to the next portrait anyway. Can't talk about art anymore.

I give her a hug, but there is no response, recognition, or anything warm that is returned. Was mine that cold?

I walk away broken hearted. I bawl as soon as I get in the door.

I go to the bathroom and catch myself in the mirror. I dressed nicely for her. Did she notice? I talk to the mirror:

"Say, I like your hair these days. It was a great idea to grow it longer. And your outfit looks great. Thanks for dressing up for me. Your health does seem to be improving. You are brave to try out diets and improve yourself. Sorry to hear you are struggling with your business. But with your talents and persistence it will turn out alright. I am so proud of you
What a lovely and intelligent daughter I have!"

No. That only makes this worse. There goes the mascara. As the black streaks down my face I wonder, is she feeling this sad too? Or is that gone as well?

The questions and answers in this newsletter both amuse me and comfort me. At times I feel that they are written just for me.... I help care for aging parents(Dad is 86 and Mom 82 with moderate dementia) along with my two sisters. My oldest sister, an RN, is responsible for all of the meds and Dr visits. I am mostly the misc chore person, groceries at times, dinners here and there, and just visiting, listening to the same stories over and over etc. They live on their own still but we are close by and check in on a daily basis. I sometimes leave their house feeling so sad and unappreciated. I have also been told I am a "dicatator" in so many words by my mother.(She rules the roost when she is clear and present enough to do so but lately she just "thinks" she is). Daily chores that she used to tackle are going to the wayside but when we offer to do them, she is apalled and demands that she is "steering this ship!"
The difficult part is realizing that what she's saying is coming from the transfer of control in her life, her loss of memory and the desperation to remember when it's impossible. She can say very hurtful things that have a lasting sting and then turn around and say she loves me and how important family is. It's a rollercoaster ride to say the least.

Hey, how about saying to her, "Yes, that's right. It was you, but now it's my turn!"

I kind of treat some of it same as "terrible two's", give the individual the person the option to choose between two acceptable choices when possible. On some of the non-negotiable items, for my dad it's taking a shower, the doctor writes a note reminding him to do so.

I also choose my battles, some things will not change no matter what. No point fighting about them. For me that is bathroom issues. I choose the most important issue, wash your hands right before you leave the bathroom, and that was ok.

Vpiffani: if your dad likes to fix things, what if you got him a work area and got stuff from the GoodWill or second hand store to work on??? If he is picking up milk with his fingers, he is not processing well enough for real changes. Bless you for helping him.

Laughter is the best medicine, just tell Mom you're glad she finally gets it and if there's somewhere else she would rather be where she'll get to be the dictator, you'll help her get there.
Seriously, my Mom and I have finally gotten to the place where we either have to laugh it off or be depressed. If your Mom has no sense of humor, ask her what she needs that you're not providing, then listen and try to accommodate her on a few things.

Our dad calls me "the jailhouse warren". I laughed it off if I'm in the mood, other times I joke and say "that's right", other times I ignore it. And, once in a while I address it directly and say "you're right, it's my job to make sure you are safe and clean". I'm sure that's how it feels to him, but I'm very clear in what my job is.

Your sibling grow up and use some common sense. Puh-lease - let us stay in the world of reality!!!!!!

Sorry - need to vent this morning.

I suspect it is just another reason to complain. They thrive on complaints. My mother would not have a life if she did not have complaints and she does not have dementia, but she does have increasing paranoia and a personality disorder and narcissism, and when I will not take her out of her "terrible place" where dreadful things are going to happen to her, and if I talk to her about taking the meds which would help her, I am the bad daughter again who sits in judgement of her and her situation and doesn't know anything and doesn't care for her. My sis will pick up on anything negative said about me and exaggerate it and feed it back to mother and others to get her more agitated and to black ball me. I do detach, but I am human and some of this hurts.

Tell me again. Why am I doing this?

Ah, so I'm not the only one this happens to.....except in my case my mom complains to sibling and then it gets back to me and sibling calls me names and mom denies it or says "I need to complain about something.....hahaha"....yeah....not funny.....annoying's what I would call it!

Is it reasonable to make hair appointments for mom every four to five weeks? She wears her hair short so any longer than five weeks it loses its shape. Mom will say the night before or morning of "Why do I need it cut? Maybe I want to grow it out and wear it in a ponytail. I used to wear it like that, you know." I'm thinking, yeah, in the early 1970's!

I get the name calling.....control freak, etc. by my sibling, apparently the monthly hair appointments is one of the issues (per my mom talking to sibling). So, my question is, should I let it go? Let mom decide when she wants it cut? I might add she always likes her cut after she gets it. It's like it's just another reason to complain (I also understand it's the dementia). Bottom line, cut hair is nice looking. Letting it go and not getting it cut on top of only washing it two times a week is something.......as long as I take care of mom.....I don't want to do. I think my sibling should grow up and use some common sense! Any thoughts?

Agree with her and tell her you're a "benevolent" dictator placed in power due to circumstances beyond your control. When you look at it from their point of view - so many don't know they need help - the word dictator pretty much sums it up I guess. Keep calm and carry on, Texas. Whether she realizes it or not (and she probably does) you're a blessing to her!

If you're going to survive this care giving thing you need to grow thicker skin and ignore what she says..Making sure her best interests are met.. It sucks but its the only way to get through the days…......

I feel your pain. Asking my mother to do anything that SHE doesn't want to do (such as taking pills, doing the exercises prescribed by her therapist, eating her food instead of feeding it to the dog) is considered "pushy". She freely admits to her angst over being not in control and I have to keep reminding her that the things being asked of her are not unreasonable.

It is so difficult not to take words personally when it is your parent speaking them to you. Professionals tell us, and I've said these words myself, 'Don't take it personally, it's the disease talking not him/her.' Well, you can't deny your feelings. So go hug your cat or dog (you must have one - it is a requirement) and then give yourself a pep talk. We continually expect rational behavior from those who are incapable of giving it. That is the real battle - to finally see our parent or loved one as they are right now - not as we've known them. It is so tempting to believe that somehow they are doing or saying whatever just to 'get us'. The truth is that, yes, some people DO behave this way and did so before they got old, got Alzheimer's or whatever. So then you get to deal with a person who is not only unkind at their core, but also suffering from illness. I did this with my father who was mentally ill BEFORE he was afflicted with Parkinson's type illness and dementia. He was hardest on his wife who was a real trooper throughout. She refused to put him in a facility but did accept some help in the home for his care. I wouldn't have blamed her a bit for putting him in a nursing home. He was that awful to her during the last part of his life. My best wishes for you.

hun, no matter if you are saying things gently and doing everything you can to help her, there will always be times when she has what is called "snap moments" she will just look at you and blurt out hurtful things. this is the sickness talking not the mom that you know and believe me when I say she will not remember saying it later. you just have to take a deep breath and let the words simply fall off your shoulders.

it is 645 am here and I"ve spent the last 4 hours explaining to my dementia dad that he is NOT going driving to buy dress pants right this moment. There is no need at this time to rebuild the bathroom cabinet to fit his toolbox so when he unplugs the clock again he can "fix" it with his tools. And re-introducing him to paper towels which he can clean up his cereal he dumps out when he just wants the milk (then he picks it up with his fingers off the cabinet !!!! WHY??) He has insisted I hid his electric razor that was in his hand. and that I control his every breath, (Thank you LORD that I do not or this morning I might have let him turn purple a few times). Now he is tearing up the livingroom looking for his debit card which I have hid from him because he buys crap off the tv all the time. and we just don't need another PX90 or whatever it is. bless you though, I hope it gets better for you.

Redhead, so sorry to hear it's happening this way, it must feel awful sometimes. Documentation is everything ;) and should some authority be brought in you're all set. In my 20s a counselor I went to told me how her mother with Alzheimer's accused her of stealing valuables; I was horrified. I'd also like to point out, how these people are bandying about very serious words that were or are horrific realities for some. Maybe we could all work on that hyperbole a bit!!

So you're a communist who's in it for the money, Book? Interesting new take on politics, there...

You're a dictator and I'm a "communist." When I found out that father was taking more than what was recommended on his herbal supplements, I confiscated most of it from his bedside table and put it on the desk across from his hospital bed. Now, I control how much he takes - based according to the bottle. Unfortunately, he thinks that he knows best on how to take those herbal pills - better than the doctor, better than the bottle and especially better than the manufacturer. I didn't catch on to this until he started to break out in hives all over his body. I narrowed it down to his misusing Several Variety of his herbal supplements. So, now he accuses me of being a communist.

Texas - just think of this as a trial run for the future as she progresses. I have graduated from communist to now a communist who is stealing his money from his bank account. I'm only now seriously documenting every single darn penny, receipts for HIS petty cash, etc... because he now threatens to call the police on me. Sigh... I sure miss being called just a "communist."