Mother (90) w/ borderline PD, impossible to get things in order. What can I do? - AgingCare.com

Mother (90) w/ borderline PD, impossible to get things in order. What can I do?

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My 90 y/o mother has been recently identified as having a borderline personality disorder. She immediately got into a fight with the doctor that identified her problem and refused to see her again. The family always knew she suffered from some kind of psychological problem since we were young, but being products of 1950s WASP suburbia, nothing was done about it.
She recently had a UTI and refused treatment for 3 months. During that time she became a complete nightmare to anyone who tried to help her. She finally went back, on her own accord, to her previous primary care physician, who is probably the worst doctor I’ve ever encountered (she was going to a great geriatrician for the past year, but she fought with her over everything). The geriatrician is who identified my mother’s mental problem and wanted to put her in therapy and have her on an anti-psychotic medication. She would have anger/crying fits at every office visit.
During the past month she sent out letters to me, my inlays, my childhood friends telling them that I hate her. It was truly mortifying every time I talked with someone and they said they got a ’strange letter’ from my mother.
I’m not sure what to do at this point, as she lives at home, doesn’t drive. She eats cake and sweets all day, her teeth are all rotten, and she refuses to go to the dentist. I was trying to do some estate planning and she sent me a letter accused me of trying to “stick to her as far as it goes” - She refuses to give my sister or me POA, and has turned her house into a complete hoarder mess.
I’m not sure what is possible - it has been ruled out that she does not have dementia.
I have been told by many people just to stay away from her until a major crisis occurs, but I just can’t sit back and wait for this to happen.
Any advice, thoughts would be helpful.
Thanks and have a great weekend.
- Ruggles

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Ruggles, APS could also stand for A** Protection Services - yours, that is. I'm sorry to be useless, I'm just chipping in my sorry-for-what-you're-going-through feelings, too. I expect you could do with a good neck message and some deep breathing, and all we can come up with is "wait until she gets what's coming." But it's true.

Venting helps! That and the passage of time.

I don't know if this will, but I do sometimes see myself as a hamster scuttling round on that sodding wheel for my mother's entertainment. I find it helpful when I need to harden my heart and do the reasonable thing, as opposed to the thing she's asking for or more usually silently expecting. But since I'm sitting here feeling sore having just yelled at her out of sheer frustration (ten minutes before bed, not clever of me) clearly it's not helping enough.
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Ruggles; I'm so sorry that you're facing this. It's more common than you think. It seems that some people can't hear the truth (or don't experience it as the truth) from people close to them. They have to hear from the hospital that they can't be discharged home. This was the case with my MIL. She came to a sad end and there was not a damn thing my poor husband could do about it.
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I am so sorry to hear of your desperate situation. Please know there are many of us sending you good thoughts & prayers.
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I called APS about 6 months ago. The case worker visited a few times and we talked quite a bit, so my mother is "in the system” now - I need to talk to the case worker again this week, as things have certainly escalated within the last months. I’m not quite clear as to what APS can actually do to help - they offered to enroll her in a few state sponsored programs: buddy rides, meals-on-wheels, once a week household help, but my mother refused it all. Thanks again for the suggestions.
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Yup, call APS and report what is going on--I call it prophylactic reporting, otherwise they tend to think that children are being neglectful. Also, sorry to report, yes, you're going to have to wait for "the big one". Sad but true; some people just can't accept help and folks with Borderline Personality Disorder are at the top of that list. They can't trust,even their own loving children. Talk therapy at 90 does not seem like a good solution to me, but never say never.
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Ruggles have you thought of calling adult protective services?
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Surprise, Maggie Marshall, and Pamstegman: Thanks so much for taking the time to chime in. I am staying away for now, but with a watchful eye. I’m also prepared to call 911 if she starts one of her dramas arguments when I visit - they can get quite loud.
My sister and I own the house she lives in. She’s made it a complete mess, with all the stuff she purchases on QVC. Last month when I was there I found glue traps with dead mice in them in the basement. She claims to not know who put the traps down. The mice are coming in because she throws her trash down the cellar steps and leaves it there until she feels like putting it in the receptacle.
A psychiatrist also suggested the 911 route if she loses control.
I’m going out for a long bike ride to clear my head.
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When she throws a hissy fit, you can call 911 for the medics to come and have her involuntarily admitted to the hospital for psychiatric evaluation (3 days!!). You can report her threats, suicidal statements, and her out of control hostility which makes her a danger to herself and others (these things are what my mthr did when younger and I wish I'd called for a psych eval then!!) Give the name of the doc who diagnosed her with BPD... Mom's lost the right to make decisions since she is behaving dangerously and could harm herself.

Once she is hospitalized, the docs will probably say that she cannot be released home, and you need to make it clear that you will NOT be bringing her to your home (get sis on board). The hospital's social worker will work much harder to find institutional placement when they see that there is not a willing person to house mom.

If there is not a POA, someone will have to be court appointed guardian if she is incompetent. If there is not a huge estate, you might consider having the state appoint a non-related guardian, so you will not feel responsible for her happiness or lack thereof. Any money left over at the end will be distributed to the heirs as in the will or if there is no will, as set forth by state law. There are quarterly reports on the financials,and the guardian does receive a small fee if it is available. Money well spent!

When someone says they received a strange letter, I sigh and say, "Yes, it's so hard dealing with someone's mental illness." Mthr turned everyone she knew in my hometown against me. When I say this, the light bulb comes on and the other people agreed with me. They all know it in their hearts, but don't want to say it.

I have found great help in the Children of Hoarders group for people who suffered from growing up in hoarded homes. That may not be useful for you, but if the house is hoarded, the medics will see it and report that as well. Condemning the place means that no one can live there until it is cleaned up, but you can still get stuff out. It will also keep her from going home from the hospital.
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I agree with those people who told you that you should just stay away and plan to manage a major crisis should one occur. By "stay away" I don't mean not SEE her, but stop trying to interfere in her care. Anything other than that guarantees you grief, drama and, probably, no different a result than if you banged your head against the wall she's put up for all eternity.
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Inpatient therapy is an excellent idea. If they ask you NOT to visit for a week, please do that, it give them time to calm the patient and reason with them, as well as adjust medications. Consider pursuing full Guardianship if you can, this will give you better oversight
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