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My mother is verbally and mentally abusive. I've been in therapy for 20 years but have managed to keep her in my life until recently. She starting verbally abusing my son with Asperger's and I couldn't allow it to continue. So I basically told her that if she cannot respect my son, she cannot continue to visit. Instead of trying to change, she said "I can't help it" and I haven't seen her since.
Now, she is 83 years old. She has heart disease, kidney disease and high blood pressure. She had aortic aneurysm repaired 9 years ago. She has suffered mini strokes and a heart attack and not told anyone. She refuses to take any medication the doctor prescribes her. She hates everyone and has alienated her other grand children and great grand children.She acts as if they don't exist. The brother that she lives next door to packed up and moved in August in one day. One brother lives about 5 hours away and the youngest brother is the only one left close and she lies to him about everything.
I am finally making progress in my therapy and protecting my family against this verbal abuse is my number one priority.
With this being said. There's no one to look in on her except me and my brother that live close. I know she needs care and company, but at this time, I cannot, for my own health, get involved. She has no friends. Are there any resources out there to have someone look in on her? I feel very guilty for not being there to help her. Has anyone had this experience?

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I would just add, that IF there are resources, it would help BOTH you and your brother, to have a elder care case manager involved. Mine is my eyes and ears and advisor to me and works through the law firm that handles their trust. She told me at one point that my parents are her only ones in the caseload that actually have a child who is actively involved in the parents care. Most of the kids have backed away and depend on her to visit, assess and report to the children. Probably there are these issues with most of them? Of course, yes you can always call the police to do a welfare check, but too many times of that and they will call in Adult Protective Services. APS will get involved, but if there is family, they mostly try to lay all the responsibility back on the family, or come after the family if someone isn't keeping the elderly one safe and, as I was told, if the family 'has a plan that involves an agency' then they will be safe from APS coming after them. For a long time...about 9 months, my folks had the minimum contract with HH service....4 hours a week...just so I, who lives away, could say 'there is a plan'...we have someone coming in to assess 4 times a week for an hour, and we have a case manager overseeing who lives in town.. But we had resources to pay...and I already had the POA so had access to their money too. Volunteers, at least here, don't seem to want to be involved if the situation is 'difficult'. They want to come do chores for my mom....mow the lawn, wash windows, fix the gate....or they come to deliver fresh veggies and visit for a few minutes....but not for long visits or counseling or assessments. I really appreciate the case manager as she will schedule a visit whenever I am not sure what is happening or cannot go down to Tucson to take care of something. Right now, she is arranging for my Mom to take a driving eval at the request of her neurologist and once it is scheduled, she will go and take my mom to it to assure the app't was kept. If I had to get involved in that one, there would be a fight between mother and daughter because Mom does not intend to ever give up driving! I find I need a long list of resources, even including the contact info for several of the neighbors, so if Mom doesn't answer the phone I can call and have someone go check or tell me if her car is there or not. An alarm system in the home is very helpful too. We are expanding Mom's right now, to include video so I can get on line and see if she's OK in the house.
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Thank you Raven. I needed that. In June I turned a corner with my therapy and had to basically tell myself that she's already dead. That way I can remember her like you remember a loved on after they pass and focus on the good. My brother who lives 5 hours away has NEVER done anything to help her...ever. Well, he called me last month and told me that whatever is going on with me and mom, I need to be the bigger person and go check on her because she's old. I told him that if she needs to be taken care of daily then we need to see about putting her in a home. He said that I was mean. Then I said, well, if you're that worried, you come get her and take her to your house. Guess what he said, "Ohhh uhhhh I can't do that". So I told him, "Don't call me and lay a guilt trip on me about she's old when she has been like this since I can remember". It's not dementia, or Alzheimer's. It's just who she is. If she had always been kind, been a different person to me and then started acting like this I think it would be easier for me to deal with. I could "put it in a box" and take it and know she's ill. But when I tell her my son has Asberger's and doesn't like to be teased, poked, pinched, pushed or whatever and (he's always been like this, we just recently got a diagnoses) she does it anyway because, "he needs to learn to deal with it." Well, that was the last straw. I will definitely have my brother see if he can find out about power of attorney. Thank you Raven and I SO hope you get some peace soon!
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csrlrh: I have told my sister on several occasions that she has a mental problem and I truly believe she does. I do not know if it is depression that starts and then they just want everyone to feel as horrible as they do of if it is a certifiable mental illness but I do know it is not "normal." It is very hard to grow up and know that this person is out to get you at all cost.

If one of you have her POA you can at some point step in and pretty much make things happen the way they need to be. Mom can be put in a facility that will make sure she has medication and is taken care of. With my Mom, she has dementia and I took over when she began giving money to everyone who called on the phone and the topper was me leaving for 30 minutes and then returning home and a young man was at the door taking money from her and having her sign a paper that would allow them to withdraw money from her checking account each month. I informed both siblings what was happening and told them I was seeking Power of Attorney. One sibling said, "Yes do it" and the other, guess who, said "No way I am not letting you take POA." Mom gave it to me anyway and it was good that we did it when we did because she began getting worse and then I had to enforce the POA and take over the finances and healthcare issues.

You guys need to MAKE SURE you have POA on her because this is the only way you can step in and take over for her, without it you have to seek guardianship, even the brother who gets everything. Executor of her will is only good once she dies, you may need to step in before she dies. Talk to your brother and ask him if he knows, you also need to know where those documents are kept, here we do not have to file them with any court, you just have to keep your original in a safe place.

I remember a story from about 30 years ago about a child that was just dropped off on the side of the road by its parent and this child had been treated badly and yet they cried that they loved their parent. It is so sad that we want to love these people and have them love us in return. We even love them.... in a way when they have hurt us terribly. You have love in your heart for your Mom or you would not care what happens to her.

Part of dementia and maybe even Alzheimer's is the paranoia, Mom anymore checks out all of her pills and questions us as to what they are for, like we are going to poison her or something. She does so other odd stuff as well like hiding things or moving them around them she loses them (checkbook) so I had to take it away.

It is not easy but if your brother is checking on her then all you can do is just be there in case you may be needed as some point. I would just keep my distance if I were you. You are in a really tough spot.

God Bless, Take Care!
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Raven1 that's terrible! I'm so sad to hear these stories! I'm relieved that I'm not the only one, but it hurts my heart to know people have been mistreated by the ones who are supposed to love you.
She has something, but I'm not exactly sure. Years ago she may have made me executor of her will. But she could have changed that. She has told me that my older brother is to get everything (which isn't much and honestly I don't want anything). The brother older than me has tried to no avail to have her get her finances in order but she doesn't want to hear it. I did call that brother today and he has been calling and checking on her so I feel better. She's very paranoid and secretive. The doctors have said that if she takes her medicine it could help her immensely. But who am I to go force her to swallow it. He said that she had a pneumonia and flu shot and her arm from her elbow to shoulder swelled up 2ce it's size and she ran fever for 4 days. But didn't call anyone. I have already told my kids that if I get mean when I get old, put me in a home. How can you help someone who doesn't care if they live or die. :(
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I did not ask but does your mother have a Trust? Do you or any of your siblings have her Power of Attorney? If any of you do and you believe she does have a mental issue, dementia or Alzheimer's, you are going to need that POA to enact changes in her care. The sad thing is that if she were on medication, she might be sooo much better or even pleasant to deal with. This is incredibly sad!!!

My sister is this way and her children have moved away from her so they do not have to deal with her. I personally have had problems with her my entire life, not because I wanted to, but because she wanted to. She never went past sibling rivalry and the fact that I was born. It has been hell my entire life. She can be nice and you can get along with her and I will even help her out with things, but i am always waiting for the other shoe to drop... and it does, and I am blamed for all kinds of things that were never my fault. I think the icing on the cake was when she filed a false report with Adult Protective Services against me.... she said I beat her, when the entire incident never happened. They showed up at my house to interview me and state the charges against me. I could have been arrested, gone to trial and to jail and NONE of it was true. The only thing that saved me was my 16 year old niece was here and saw everything and said IT NEVER HAPPENED, AT ALL!!! My sister had forgotten that she was here, thank God she was!

We all have a free will, we are born with it, what we chose to do with it is up to us. I never did anything to her, but she if frickin mean and cannot be trusted. This is not a way to live our lives and I am so sorry that this is you mother who has done this to you. That is way worse!!!

God Bless You Mightily!!!!!
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Gladimhere....She has had this odd behavior since I was a young child. It got worse after my father died when I was 11. I took her to the neurologist and took her for tests. She would not allow me to go back with her to get the results of the tests and will not tell me what they said. She refuses to go to a doctor and threw away all the medication they gave her. She firmly believes that she is not sick and the doctors are trying to kill her. Debralee...I feel for you! I've always taken what my mom dished out and her words have damaged me beyond repair. But I will not allow her to do it to my children. One is her favorite and one is not. What I do continue to do is check myself so that I do not become what I hate. Thank you!
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I do not let my emotionally needy narcisstic elderly mother suck me dry anymore. I rarely see her and only occasionally drive her to medical appointments. I am glad I live an hours drive away and work, perfect excuse not to see her often. I will never again view her as a loved one, she killed anything I ever felt for her. Just waiting for the day she is gone and will not regret her death. Live your own life and don't allow others to live it for you!
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The mini strokes she has had may have caused damage to the brain that is causing her to act this way. I would take her to her doctor, then if they think it is warranted to a neurologist.
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I have long suspected mental illness with her. Her mother committed suicide and depression/bipolar is rampant in my family. Her mood swings and paranoia and the fact that God himself talks to her and she doesn't make a move unless "he" tells her, had me thinking Schizophrenia. Unfortunately, she has always been of the conviction that "It's not me, everyone else is crazy". She is like 2 different people. Kind and compassionate and supportive and boom...condescending, critical, hateful, nasty, rude...the list goes on. You never know what you're going to get with her. Anyway, I looked this morning and saw that our community has a Council on Aging and I'm going to contact the Monday to see what help there is for her. Like you said, IF she lets anyone help her. Thank you for the encouragement and your story sounds a lot like mine. I hope something changes for you and it gets easier. My mom has a lot of family and she just knocked them down one by one until here she is. I hope when I get old, my family WANTS to be with me.
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There is only so much that anyone can do for a person who refuses help. Your Mom it sounds like has been given many chances by all of you. Just because you are making strides in your therapy, I would not throw myself back into this toxic situation.....you will most likely get sucked in again.

I have a toxic situation like this as well and things even out and I walk away and then I get sucked right back in to a nightmare again.

If you are truly worried you might call the police and have them drop by for a well check or perhaps there are senior associations that might have someone to drop by for a visit, but she if is as bad as you say she is then I doubt that any volunteer is going to be willing to deal with her as well.

If she has a mental illness she needs to be treated for it, she is miserable and so is everyone else dealing with her, this is a sad way for a life to be spent.
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Thank you for responding. My other siblings do not tell me what is going on with her. I'm going to look into what help is available. Thanks again. It's nice to have support.
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Congratulations to you for protecting your son. He should come first. You should, too.

There are resources to keep an eye on her if she will let them. You or she could hire a geriatric care manager, who could do an assessment and help her get the services she needs. You could get an agency like "Home Instead" to send a housekeeper or companion once a week. They can take her shopping or to appointments.

If money is a problem and it usually is, contact your local "Area Agency on Aging" for ideas. You can find it on Google using your town, state and county names. You can let Adult Protective Services know about her, although that can cause trouble.

Good luck.
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