Mom has macular degeneration and now suffers from vascular dementia. I have been doing her bills along side her as well as balancing her checkbook, doing her laundry, for the past 18 months. I have taken her shopping, to appointments, to church, anywhere she wants to go for more than 10 years since she gave up driving. Recently, she has become very paranoid and has now accused me of taking everything over and plotting against her. She says she is not my mother and I am no daughter of hers. She used to tell people I was her eyes ears and she didn't know what she'd do without me. Now she is telling my siblings to not listen to my propaganda. My heart is broken beyond repair, and when I told mom my heart was broken, she said I have no heart. I love her and forgive her but don't know how to deal with this pain. I am going to review her bank statement with her tomorrow in the prescience of my sister and then suggest that they go to the bank and remove my name and add my sisters name to her account. That way I'll have no access to her account and someone lose can have that privilege. Right now it's the only thing I can think of to do. The pain is so raw I think it might overtake me. I do t know hat advice anyone may have but any insight would be appreciated. My siblings simp,y tell me to calm down and it's the disease not my mother. My question is how can it be the disease if in the same moment I am evil but another sibling is wonderful?
Unfortunately, the person giving the most help is usually the target of these delusions. Call her doctor today and report this change in your mom's mental status.
Just remember too, you can ALWAYS give information. You might want to type up a brief synopsis of what is happening and pass it to the receptionist when you go in, to be read by the doctor. Dementia sucks. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
My advice to someone who is going through abuse is to ignore what others are saying and pay attention to what you need to do for yourself. If something is hurting you badly, then find a way to get out of the situation at least for a while. Dementia can last for years and totally drain the quality of the caregiver's life. There needs to be more than one person to share the responsibilities. I hope your sister can step in and let you get some well-deserved rest. You have the right not to be abused, even if it is the disease that is causing it.
This is DEFINITELY the dementia talking. Your mother dumps on you because you are most familiar, and she "trusts" you to take her take her accusations of your untrustworthiness. If it is time for your sister to take over with the finances, fine. But don't expect that to cure your mother's dementia and therefore her paranoia. You are looking for rational explanations (it must be personal -- she just picks on me) when there is almost nothing rational about dementia.
Please, please, don't take this personally. Don't take this to heart. It is extremely common, perhaps nearly universal, with dementia. It is really not about you at all. It is about damage to your mother's brain. And I know, from personal experience, that it is very, very hard not to be discouraged by the paranoia. Use our experience as a shortcut for your own learning. This is not about you!
At least she can't wander too much before getting extremely tired. Going to mention hospice to the doctor tomorrow.
You are so close to her that it is going to hurt, it did me, and the more it hurt the harder it was to take care of her. This is NOT going to get better AND she cannot help any of it. You do not have the power to change her but you have the power to change the way you handle it.
Dementia stinks - especially vascular dementia - there is so many other things associated with it. If you take care of your mom, do not give up the check book, only you know what is needed for your mom and how much it costs. Just find a new way of handling the situation.
My mom passed away in February at 92. She is always in my heart and mind. I now realize I did the best I could and even though things were rough she knew in her heart that I loved her and took care of her.
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