My mother (87) accused me of "taking everything over"? - AgingCare.com

My mother (87) accused me of "taking everything over"?

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Mom has macular degeneration and now suffers from vascular dementia. I have been doing her bills along side her as well as balancing her checkbook, doing her laundry, for the past 18 months. I have taken her shopping, to appointments, to church, anywhere she wants to go for more than 10 years since she gave up driving. Recently, she has become very paranoid and has now accused me of taking everything over and plotting against her. She says she is not my mother and I am no daughter of hers. She used to tell people I was her eyes ears and she didn't know what she'd do without me. Now she is telling my siblings to not listen to my propaganda. My heart is broken beyond repair, and when I told mom my heart was broken, she said I have no heart. I love her and forgive her but don't know how to deal with this pain. I am going to review her bank statement with her tomorrow in the prescience of my sister and then suggest that they go to the bank and remove my name and add my sisters name to her account. That way I'll have no access to her account and someone lose can have that privilege. Right now it's the only thing I can think of to do. The pain is so raw I think it might overtake me. I do t know hat advice anyone may have but any insight would be appreciated. My siblings simp,y tell me to calm down and it's the disease not my mother. My question is how can it be the disease if in the same moment I am evil but another sibling is wonderful?

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Get her tested for a UTI immediately!

Unfortunately, the person giving the most help is usually the target of these delusions. Call her doctor today and report this change in your mom's mental status.
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Do you have a signed HIPAA and or health care poa? Either one of those should allow you to recieve information from the dr/np.

Just remember too, you can ALWAYS give information. You might want to type up a brief synopsis of what is happening and pass it to the receptionist when you go in, to be read by the doctor. Dementia sucks. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
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WearyinPit, I am in the same boat with you. My mother has vascular dementia and has been a handful since I've been with her (6.5 years). I live with her in her house. She acts like she absolutely hates me because I am trying to take over. I know that it is the disease, because that is the reason I'm here. That does not make it easier, though. We are people, too. If we are being hurt we have the right to protect ourselves. Is your sister willing to take over for a while? If I had a sibling willing to do it, I would jump at the opportunity. Your relationship could improve if you're not so available to her. I don't think you need to take your name off the account, because things may get better. It does seem that parents favor the children who are not around so much, while showing their worst side to the child doing the most.

My advice to someone who is going through abuse is to ignore what others are saying and pay attention to what you need to do for yourself. If something is hurting you badly, then find a way to get out of the situation at least for a while. Dementia can last for years and totally drain the quality of the caregiver's life. There needs to be more than one person to share the responsibilities. I hope your sister can step in and let you get some well-deserved rest. You have the right not to be abused, even if it is the disease that is causing it.
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WearyinPit - boy, do I know what your going through! I've been looking after my mother for 5 1/2 years. The first 18 months my dad was still alive and we did the bill paying together, probably similar to how you're doing it now. Back then all was fine. Then my dad passed and shortly after mom lost her drivers licence. Mom still wanted no part of the administration functions of her life - so I did it all. My mom became increasingly difficult, parinoid and angry with each passing day, it seemed. In the past two years she started flushing the medication I would fill into her pill box, write up to forty checks a month to charities, hide her mail/bills/checkbook and worst of all - was the things she'd say to me. Yet if I decided to pull back, visit once a week instead of 2 or 3 times - she'd call and ream me for that. I literally was "damned if I did, damned if I didn't". By this past October I was a complete basket case. Mom had fallen in late August and eventually - after attempting AL, she had to be moved to a nursing home. EVERYTHING was my fault! The things she'd say to me, accuse me of..! I was ready to pack up her files - all the stuff - drop it off at her attorneys and call my brother to take over. My husband would try to talk me out of it - referring to how much I've done and how long I've been doing it - I'd gotten everything so manageable- that the time in front of me is far less than the time behind...it didn't matter - I didn't want to put up with her crap one more second. Then I found this site and saw people talking about Geriatric Psychitrists - I got mom into one and he did a medication overhaul. Now my mom is 100x easier to deal with - plus she's now on hospice care. I honestly don't think I'll ever get over some of the things mom said and did - yes, I know it mostly was the disease talking, yes - I know it would be better for me to forgive and let go. Still - the best I'm able to do is detach and stay within my set boundries. And, that's the advice I'd give to you. That, and try to find a geriatric psychitrist to see your mother.
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Weary, I answered your post about hallucinations before I read this one. My heart goes out to you and what you are going through.

This is DEFINITELY the dementia talking. Your mother dumps on you because you are most familiar, and she "trusts" you to take her take her accusations of your untrustworthiness. If it is time for your sister to take over with the finances, fine. But don't expect that to cure your mother's dementia and therefore her paranoia. You are looking for rational explanations (it must be personal -- she just picks on me) when there is almost nothing rational about dementia.

Please, please, don't take this personally. Don't take this to heart. It is extremely common, perhaps nearly universal, with dementia. It is really not about you at all. It is about damage to your mother's brain. And I know, from personal experience, that it is very, very hard not to be discouraged by the paranoia. Use our experience as a shortcut for your own learning. This is not about you!
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Weary - I wanted to say, your asking mom if you could answer the docs question was brilliant! I was always trying to phone the doc ahead of time or find a reason to go in first or other ineffective, time consuming, not so brilliant ways to get a "heads-up" to moms doc. Your quick thinking tells me that while your journey with dementia is going to break your heart, test your patience and put great strain on you - that in the blessed end you'll be okay. You are one sharp cookie!
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Thank you all. I know this probably sounds selfish but in a way it's a blessing that she is so weak and has significant mobility issues due to end stage osteoarthritis.
At least she can't wander too much before getting extremely tired. Going to mention hospice to the doctor tomorrow.
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Bless you.... Your mom and my mom sound like the same person, with depression, paranoia, delusions and hallucinations. My mom was the sweetest person on 2 feet around others but when the macular degeneration and vascular dementia ramped up I became the enemy. I took care of mom for a total of 13 years. Do yourself and her a BIG favor - find a personal care home, not a nursing home or assisted living, they are pricey. A Personal Care Home only have 5-6 people and take very good care of your loved ones. They range in price from $1400 up. Do it now before your mom gets any worse so she can adjust. I waited way too long and she could not adjust. You still will have to deal with the doctors visits and so on but it won't be 24/7, which I am assuming it is. The separation is needed for both you and her.

You are so close to her that it is going to hurt, it did me, and the more it hurt the harder it was to take care of her. This is NOT going to get better AND she cannot help any of it. You do not have the power to change her but you have the power to change the way you handle it.

Dementia stinks - especially vascular dementia - there is so many other things associated with it. If you take care of your mom, do not give up the check book, only you know what is needed for your mom and how much it costs. Just find a new way of handling the situation.

My mom passed away in February at 92. She is always in my heart and mind. I now realize I did the best I could and even though things were rough she knew in her heart that I loved her and took care of her.
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At first, I was wondering if I had posted this myself and had forgotten! Good suggestions in previous responses, I've tried most of them and so far no help or solution is forthcoming. I don't have the answers for you either, and I hope we both have some life (and sanity!) left in us at the end of this road.
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WearyinPit, I just thought about something my mother does that gets to me. We'll make plans and then she'll say she's not up to it. So I go about the day. Soon she comes in the door and says that she really should go, so plans are back on. I used to assume we weren't going to go when she said she wasn't up to it. Now I stay on alert mode, knowing that things can change at any moment. I never know until we walk out the door to get in the car.
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