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My mother, age 85, is currently in rehab recovering from a UTI. She has dementia and narcissistic personality disorder. She was in assisted living for most of 2024 but waged a relentless, rage-fueled 10-month campaign to leave, until the facility finally kicked her out. She's been living in my house for the past year.
This recent UTI really took a toll on her physical strength and coordination. She seems to have total urinary incontinence now, and isn't able to use the toilet on her own or bathe herself. She can still eat and drink without help.
She and I have always had a terrible relationship, but I'm stuck as her unwilling guardian because no one else in the family will help (she treated them badly too).
I'm trying to figure out how much paid assistance I would need to keep her tolerably clean and comfortable at home without doing the hands-on care myself. I have a solo business to run, and -- being brutally honest -- I've had an entire lifetime of emotional abuse from her and just touching her makes me feel sick.
Can anyone take a guess at how many hours/how many visits per day I'd need from a paid caregiver to keep her acceptably clean?
(I will move her back into a care facility when she's no longer aware enough to protest. I'm just trying to bridge the gap until then.)

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Your mother can move into Memory Care Assisted Living NOW, with a geriatric psychiatrist evaluation to properly medicate her first to keep her calm.

It's unlikely you can hire a caregiver for less than 4 hrs a pop, and certainly not one that's "on call" to keep mother acceptably clean. You'd have to hire a full time caregiver to stay with her at home, imo. Look on Care.com I guess.

If it were me, I'd get her medicated and OUT of my home bc it's a big mistake to keep her with you, for your own wellbeing.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Don't do it. Why should you subject yourself to this? Tell the hospital no, she cannot come back and live with you. What would they do if your mother didn't have a daughter? Let them do that. What would you tell them to do if you lived in Finland or New Zealand or Senegal or Brazil? Let them do that. What do the rest of the family say when asked to help her? They say no. Be like them. Say no also. You are only stuck because you agree to let people stick her with you. Time to say no, and to claim some peace of mind for yourself. You deserve it.
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Reply to MG8522
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paraselene Oct 21, 2025
There was zero peace of mind with her ALF constantly calling me about all the problems she caused for them (I'm her healthcare POA). My aim here is to wait out her failing cognition for just a little longer. Her antipsychotic meds have already made her nicer and less angry at home. The nastiness flared back up in rehab but not as bad as before. I think in another six months or so, the fight will have totally gone out of her. I've been taking care of her one way or another since my dad died in 2020, and another half-year seems trivial. I don't feel stuck.
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Nothing about this sounds like a good idea for you or mom. Caregiving is hard enough when both parties are cooperating and want it to work. There is none of that here, you’re not stuck unless you won’t accept other answers. Mom shouldn’t be ruling. How much help? If you go forward, hire all the hours her money will cover, stay distant, and leave them to it. Something tells me mom will fire the helpers, I hope you’ll never attempt this on your own and wish you much peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Thank you, everybody, for your advice and for reminding me to protect myself. I'm really okay -- I'm just trying to avoid another failed attempt at getting my mother moved into care. The longer I can wait, the less capacity she'll have to raise hell and get herself thrown out of the next place. Her antipsychotic meds and her declining cognition are already starting to soften her chronic anger. And I've been looking after her one way or another since my dad died almost six years ago, so a few more months seems like nothing. But if I've reached the limit as far as caring for her humanely in my home, well, that's how it goes. I made an appointment to talk to the nurse and social worker at her rehab and get their input. I'll let you all know what happens next. Regarding boundaries and enmeshment: yes, I've done all the therapy for years and years, and I've arrived at the point of pure pragmatism: how do I navigate this situation with the least amount of overall hassle and stress for myself? Fighting with another care facility to keep my mother against her will doesn't fit into that plan (and it's illegal for them to do so anyway, unless I lawyer up and go to court to get guardianship and take away her right to self-determination, which also sounds like too much work).
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Reply to paraselene
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You think once the meds kick in the road will be easier to navigate. My mom is on year two of meds and this past week she had a meltdown, snapping at me over hearing aids. Today she was cruel to another patient (that thankfully had no idea what mom said). The meds are great, but they won't get you Mary Poppins. Don't bring her home. Make sure you tell them you refuse. Let them deal with it. My mom was a jerk to staff and other patients for a good while, but she finally settled in. The director said she had never seen anyone like my mom before, lol. Time to do this now before worse happens.
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Reply to JustAnon
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What you need, 100%, is to put her in a nursing home and for God’s sakes (and everyone else’s) get her on medication for her anxiety and aggression. And I bet you’re paying for all this care yourself, because you haven’t mentioned concerns about her money situation. This is a mess.
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Reply to Slartibartfast
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paraselene Oct 21, 2025
She's already on antipsychotics, prescribed by geriatric psychiatrist. And no, I'm not paying for anything. In fact, we had an elder law attorney draw up a care agreement so I'm currently being paid to care for her. I'm just not willing to step up to the next level of care.
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Do not take her home . Tell them Mom needs to be placed . Mom does not get to “ protest ” and rule your life.
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Reply to waytomisery
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"She's already spent time in an in-patient geri psych program and is taking the antipsychotic meds they prescribed."

She emotionally abused you throughout your life. Her touch makes you sick. You are her unwilling guardian. Yet you want to care for her until "she's no longer aware enough to protest" going back in?

Respectfully, I think some therapy about enmeshment and boundaries will help you a lot.

"...no one else in the family will help" -- because they have boundaries.

There is no reason you need to rescue her until she can no longer resist -- mainly because this may not happen for a long time. There are other solutions -- you only need to consider them as such.
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Reply to Geaton777
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You are willing to have her back because you feel sure that she will not be as bad and it will only be for 6 months. You need a back-up plan in case you are wrong. A move on from re-hab is a good opportunity. Plan for the next chance and how to use it effectively.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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You have a solo business to run?

Don't bring her home.
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