More and more projects, I am thinking about stepping down. Any advice?

Good you stood up to her.  Screaming is horrible!  I get that.  Too bad you weren't on the phone cause at least you could've gotten off the phone!  Good she apologized.  If she does that on visits, hope you will leave immediately!  Maybe she's filled with worry/stress, too, and lashes out, but it still hurts.  Good she'll hire handymen for her projects, etc.; it's what she should've been doing all along.  That's not your responsibility, nor is finding handymen for her unless you just want to.  Unless you can well afford it, it'd be better you not help her much financially unless you can get paid back; you'll need it for yourself as you age.  And, not to be mean, remember when you asked for financial help with college, car, apartment, and she told you no (that struck a familiar chord with me).  Tell her no, you don't have it, and to apply for a loan like she told you?  Or look for money elsewhere like other family, senior services?

Whatever your role is, POA, Executor, you have a life, too; just cause you have time to do something doesn't mean you're "available" to work for her (even if you just want to take time for you to do nothing!).  If she can't take care of her own home and herself by herself and hiring help, maybe it's time for her to get out of that home and into a home where there's someone there to do whatever for her, and fewer projects to do .. an apartment, condo, independent or assisted living?

Unless you just don't want to deal with being Executor or POA, maybe leave it, and just tell mom to call one of the other family members when she needs help?  Just cause you live closest or named Executor or POA doesn't mean you do it all and by yourself, or be used.

I should clarify - I wrote executor but I think I actually meant “Trustee”. I am currently co-trustee to everything right now, and yes executor when it’s time to oversee.

Wow--Hotflash--

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

We get so involved in 'helping' that we can totally lose sight of the bigger picture--
'is this job necessary? Will it improve mom's QOL? Oh, and the biggy-do I WANT to do it?'

My also asks for stuff that is beyond ridiculous and pointless. She does that to get us to jump up pay attention. She also overreacts to being told 'no'. I myself jumped to her demands for years and years, and while most of them were silly and small--there sure were some huge ones that required time, money and my sanity.

I've gone 'grey rock' on her. I'm not totally incommunicado, but she doesn't know how to use her phone, so she isn't capable of her calling me, so I always have called her, or gone to see her. I've stopped, and she can't get to me when we don't speak. Can you try that? Before going 'grey rock' I was only seeing her when I wanted to and only doing what I felt was important. Also, YB keeps tight reins on her as to where she can go and with whom.

I currently am undergoing chemotherapy for cancer. When I told her (15 weeks ago) that I had cancer, she said 'Oh, daddy will be so glad to see you" (dad's been gone 15 years).

That comment let me know that she A: was pretty checked out and B: didn't even CARE about what I was going through.

Speechless, I patted her on the shoulder and said "I'll say 'hi' to him for you.

13 weeks later ( and 3 infusions, halfway done) she found someone who would dial my number. went through some ridiculous spiel about how she'd been on the phone all day calling every hospital in the valley trying to find me. I said "Why didn't you try my HOUSE because that's where I am".

My focus is on me right now. It has to be. I am polite to mother, but I am not hauling up to her house so she can see my bald head and bruised eyes..I look horrible and I honestly don't want to see her. Actually, I can't get near her, she has feral birds and they are toxic to me.

I don't know if you can stop talking to her--prior to this, some years ago, mother used the 'suicide threat' constantly to get us to step in line. I finally called her out on it and it was NOT pleasant. But she stopped.

Take control of the relationship. If she gets wacko--walk away. No yelling or explaining why you aren't going to dig a koi pond or roof the house-just walk away. When you fall apart and yell, you are on the same level as she is--and you're better than that!

Set tough boundaries and if she has a problem, let her know she can call the siblings. And let them know you're stepping out. I told mine and none of them will do anything. Meh, that's life.

As far as stepping out as executor, I wouldn't do that. That kicks in after she dies and you may feel that you can do a better job at it. There's no real responsibility for the executor prior to death.

Try a few weeks of not talking to her. No fights, no drama, just no communication. It's freeing, really.

Good Luck--you are not alone in this dynamic of life!

Executor or POA/DPOA? I ask because while both can be time consuming and big responsibility your duties as executor wouldn't kick in until after she passes (so no need to deal with her emotional manipulation while caring them out) while POA/DPOA/Mproxy would all require working with and for her now. I'm not saying you don't have any right or reason to resign from any of these or that you would be wrong to so [lease don't misunderstand but I would urge you to consider those siblings who don't live close while making these decisions. I didn't get the impression your relationship with them was strained so perhaps enlisting their help in some of the responsibilities while backing off from being at her beckon call might help. But mostly if indeed it's the executor responsibility you want to step away from and hand off to someone else who doesn't live in the same town (and you do) rather than maybe share some of the responsibility it will mean the extra time and expense of making trips back to take care of things once she's gone. Maybe that's an added burden they want or have asked for in some way, just wanted to make sure you were thinking about who you are putting out or simply drawing into the quagmire by what you decide to do.

Some times you just gotta do what u gotta do.....we can only take so much crap...abuse, screaming, demanding, then we stand up and put that person in their place. Bravo for you!!!! Make your boundaries and stick to them. Talk with your husband and decide what yall can and cant/wont do and tell her this....if you think she wont remember it, put it in writing.....please dont feel bad about exploding, our brains and heart cant keep on taking abuse like that forever....take care of you and husband first, thats what matters.....let her hire out the work....blessings to you.

To me, finally growing up came with being able to see the baggage put down in front of me, and not feeling obligated to pick it up. Being grown up came when I could reply gently, "Sorry. I can't do that. Can I help you find a handyman for that job?" When I could let go of the traditional responses of feeling put upon, inadequate, not quite good enough, obligated to, guilty about, and etc. And just say "I love you so much. I hope you find a solution to that problem. Would you like to go out to lunch Friday?" And then walk away. And when the anger gets tossed back (because often they will be very angry that you have grown up and left the nest), just to say "I know. I wish I could do it all. But I have learned I just can't".
It all is just habit. Habitual ways of responding.
It is sounding like you are well along on the path to realizing you just cannot do it all. And even if you COULD do it all, being a Saint out there in the real world is a thankless thing. Ask any Saint you know.
Good luck! You can only change yourself. Not them.
As to being executor, they will be gone when all that happens and you can put it into the hands of a lawyer, for the most part. Not cheap, but easier. If you mean you are doing POA currently, it is a big JOB; I know, and I am only doing it for a small, easy, organized estate and a very cooperative and sweet person. I would love to see a fiduciary take it over for pay, a guardian, almost anyone else, but can still manage to do it, so am keeping on keeping on. Were I to get any grief, that would be an instant end to that.

It's good to hear that you are working with a therapist! I have been working with a therapist who specializes in Boundaries Therapy. Those seem to be the type of issues that you are speaking about. In the beginning I was experiencing constant, debilitating anxiety which was affecting my physical health. With this particular boundaries therapy, I learned what I was responsible for and what others were responsible for.

We all deal with issues in our daily lives. Boundaries therapy teaches us that each one of us is responsible to deal with our own issues. It is only when the issue to too big for us to literally handle on our own that it becomes someone else's responsibility. For example, my Mom would like me to come over and take her out every day of the week. I work from home and realized (once she returned from a rehab facility) that I could manage 2-3 days a week. Even though she said things that triggered guilt, I held my boundary. BUT if she needs to go to the doctor, etc. that is something that I am responsible for because she can't do it on her own.

We are all responsible for our own emotions. When you begin to set boundaries with people who have crossed your boundaries routinely in the past, they will react in a negative manner. But if you remain calm and hold fast to your boundary, things will begin to change. I learned that I have a part in my recovery - I am not simply a victim. My behavior of ALLOWING others to cross my boundaries was deeply rooted in my childhood where I was groomed to be this way. But the happy news is that this can all be changed if you get the right help. I hope that you are taking that journey. You will know that you are on your way when you no longer feel guilty for asserting your own boundaries. You will know that you are a human being who deserves a drama free existence, and there is nothing wrong with doing just that.

Yes, POA and Executor are two different things. POA stops at time of death. Executor handles the stuff afterwards. This can be handed to a lawyer allowing him/her to do probate.

POA does not mean you fetch and carry. It means that you handle finances making sure bills are paid. Handyman hired. Set up LTC. You don't have to be hands on. Its not a job for someone who doesn't live near your Mom.

Just because they are our parents, doesn't mean they don't need to know how they take advantage of us. We r adults and deserve the same respect they feel we owe them.

Amazing how they can reduce us down to feeling like children again, isn't it? When I was a child, my unhinged mother used to lock herself in the closet when things weren't going her way.....amongst other horrible things I won't even mention. I was scarred by witnessing that behavior as a small child, needless to say. So, when I was 35 and pregnant with my 2nd child, mother said something SO awful to me that I lost my temper and yelled at her. She proceeded to rush off into my bedroom closet and slam the door! I swear I saw RED and thought OH NO YOU DON'T, NOT THIS TIME. I flung open that closet door, picked her up by her shirt and literally threw her out of my closet. I was shaking like a leaf. I told her to get OUT of my house and to NEVER speak to me like that again or to DARE try locking herself in a closet. Ever. Again.
Speaking of The Straw that Broke the Camels Back, huh? I'm glad you did what you had to do with your bully of a mother. Enough is enough.

Did you mean POA for executor does not go into effect right yet. It does sound like you need a break and deserve it too.

Dang, leave when she goes out of it. Don't enable by taking it and staying around.

Good for you for standing up to her bullying. Stick to your new boundaries and enforce them. She doesn't have the right to abuse you any longer. Manipulation is so awful and it is time that she learns that it doesn't work on you anymore.

Good job!