Money driving a wedge between my mother and I. How can I cope?

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Some days I just feel sick to my stomach. Between all the bills I have to pay for my parents, my mom keeps asking for spending money and won't tell me what she wants to spend it on. I ask her to let me know and I'll pay for whatever she needs on a case-by-case basis. (Ex: I pay her hairdresser directly.)


Before she went to the NH, she has always given people money or overpaid those who run errands for her. When I asked outright if she was going to give money to "so-and-so" relative she wouldn't give me a straight answer.


In CA, the allowance for Medi-Cal is so little so I come out of pocket for other needs -- grooming and such. She doesn't like the absorbent pampers the nursing home supplies so I buy for her out of pocket the ones she prefers. I pay for special restaurant meals when she complains about the NH meals and skips eating. And I pay for whatever small comforts she asks for. And no matter how much I explain how Medi-cal payments work she doesn't understand and thinks I'm just taking her money for myself.


I feel guilty when we fight but our angry conversations just keep coming to a draw. I can't explain finances to her anymore. She just says, "I don't understand. Just send me the money." Last night she kept yelling for me to send her $300. She's mostly bedridden and doesn't leave the building ever! It's like talking to a stubborn child.


I can't balance the guilt and the frustration. How do you cope?

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How is Mom's memory. Does she really remember asking for money? Saying she doesn't like the food? If not than don't play into it. This is normal with Dementia patients. My Mom was always asking for money. I would explain where she is money is not needed. All her needs were met. Then one day I thought, just tell her you need to go to the bank that I didn't have money on me. I would not leave money with her. It will get stolen. You know she has no money and there is no reason to put out your own. If she can understand he has no money, then tell her. If not, just let her go.
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Fib time! I agree that telling her the NH takes all her money is one way, but then she may still think you took it. So maybe tell they only let her have so much cash in her room, like $10 ? Then you can blame them,, and she still has some cash. Give the NH a "heads up" Or you can give her the 10 and say you thought that's what she asked for...it will take some time to get more..
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It IS like talking to a stubborn child. Your mom's brain is not working and arguing or explaining will get you nowhere. There is no reason to feel guilty with all you do for your mom. Frustrated yes, guilty no!
We use to give my MIL $10 a week because she wanted cash in the nursing home. It was always gone and no-one ever knew where it went. Eventually we stopped:) If your mom asks for money simply say the nursing home takes all her money for her to stay there and leave it at that. If she argues say you have to go and you'll talk to her later. The end! Do not argue with her. Sometimes as a caregiver you have to detach yourself and act like a hired caregiver or social worker. How would they handle the situation, definitely not by getting emotional or angry.
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