Mom's wishes and doctor's plan are very different. What is my role?

Have your mom fill out a POLST form. Your mom deserves to have her last wishes respected. You and mom can put your mind at ease after placing in writing in this specific form what is desired. Unless mom is incompetent, the choice of what she desires are up to her. It may be helpful to have a social worker sit down with your mom to explain what POLST is.

P.P.S. It sounds like your mom is still able to express her wishes, and I don't think a single doctor's opinion will "activate" a healthcare POA. You can help your mom by being her advocate with or without the POA. Talk to her and confirm her wishes, then make sure her doctor, hospital, and senior housing facility know her wishes. Let your mom speak her voice for as long as she is able, but be there to support her in whatever decision(s) she makes.

P.S. Any explicit instructions in the healthcare directive need to be followed. Any gray areas are up to you as your mom's agent.

As healthcare POA, you have to decide what you think your mom would do if she was currently able to make those decisions for herself. I find it a whole lot more difficult than it sounds!

When your mom signed the POA document, she was of sound mind and anticipating what she would want in the future. The future is now, but now you have to decide what you think your mom would decide today vs. a few years or months ago. It's an impossible task, but trust your instincts and let your conscience guide you.

Well, I think what Geaton is saying here is correct. Since your mother lives in independent housing, you are going to be called with every crisis that occurs. Unless she passes away quietly in her sleep one night, then there could be dozens of 'events' forthcoming that will require SOME sort of action on your part.

If you move her into a Skilled Nursing Facility, she'll be looked after DURING the medical crises that crop up. Otherwise, plan to be over at her place all the time managing the chaos!

If not, you can call Hospice in to manage the pain she may have during the end of life process. I don't know if she'd go for that, but again, dying without doctor's intervention is one thing; dying in pain is another. Nobody wants to endure that, or to watch a loved one endure that either.

Whatever you decide to do, you are correct in saying that your role as POA is to make sure her wishes are honored, no matter how unrealistic they may wind up to be.

Wishing you the best of luck in a very difficult situation; I feel for you, and am sending you a big HUG, too.

You would be correct. All you do is make sure her wishes are carried out. You can not over ride what she wants unless she is so bad off mentally that she forgot what she wanted then it really comes down to you to be her reasoning and her voice! Doing what is best for her!

Remember Drs are trained to save lives no matter what; therefore, you might find yourself going around-and-around with them, but once you say "no" to a Dr then he or she can not touch your mom. (That is the law).

I am sorry about your mom:( Good Luck!

Correct.

She has put her wishes in writing, those need to be honored.

I guess you don't have to worry about the doctor anymore, I would ask for a hospice referral before you blow them off. If she isn't going to pursue treatment and that is what her living will states, that doctor can not force her to have treatment.

Best of luck, I am sorry that you are facing all of this. I think most of us will want to just go to sleep and never wake up and barring that, I personally don't want a bunch of medical interventions to keep me alive. I understand how your mom feels.

What is written in her Medical POA. My Moms read like a Living Will. If her's does, then you follow her wishes. The letter went into her Medical File and should be honored. That's 6 months ago. Her decline could have worsened in that time. My Moms did.

Your mom living the "rest of her time in peace" means she will have one medical crisis after another that YOU will need to manage. It means you will need to move her to where she will get the proper care, and YOU will manage that. It means every time the NH or medical staff tells her/needs her to do something she doesn't like or doesn't want to hear she will do/say the opposite and YOU will have to confirm/convince/manage that -- unless you never plan on talking to her, visiting her or wondering if she's ok. My take on PoA is that it is a MUTUALLY agreeable arrangement that must work for BOTH parties or there's no point. It does NOT mean you are her lackey "no matter". Don't you want to have a life? Her "living in peace" just means she thinks you'll be constantly orbiting around her and protecting her from herself. I'm not sure why your mom is being an ostrich, but it will work against her "living in peace" every. step. of. the. way. Is that what you both want? Maybe revisit this topic with her once you read the insights from all those who have gone before you with parents who just wanted to "live in peace" but died in chaos.