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I was raised in foster homes growing up. I am trying to help someone who has no friends or family that care to help her; my mother. She walked out of my life when I was 12. I never heard from her again until I was 32. I was in 3 foster homes and a children's orphanage until I was 20. The sad thing is she left KNOWING my father was molesting me! He never raped me, but was planning to, when I ran away the last time at 17. He told me who would they believe I was having sex with; him or my boyfriend?! I was trapped, and knew I had to leave. (Incidently, I never had sex until I was married at age 20.) She's never has been a grandmother to my 27 year old son. He never goes to see her, he has no feelings for her. She is self-centered, selfish, spiteful, hateful, and loves no one. I am only her daughter a long as I do for her. As long as she can manipulate me to do things for her. I have reached the end of my rope. My nerves are getting bad, I can't sleep, I am not eating well. As a Christian, I felt like I needed to help her. She did bring me in to this world, such as it was. I thought it would get easier since she got in the home, but it has gotten worse. She went willingly to the home.

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I'm not sure who her POA and HCPOA is, but let them address her dementia and any depression and/or anxiety that could be bothering her. Medication can make a big difference. Not the kind that drugs you up, but other kinds that help with mood. I would have her doctor treat that, but then I would leave it alone.

Dementia patients are very fortunate if they are happy, content and have no issues. It's not likely to happen. The important thing is that she is somewhere she can have her needs met. Due to dementia, the patient often doesn't recognize that. And in fact, they are often unhappy wherever they go. The mind may not allow them peace, but it's not about where they are. It's that their brain is not working right.

I would focus on my own life and happiness and not allow her situation to distract you.
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Hart, it sounds like your mother may never have been happy in her life at any place or in any relationship? If so, how can we expect her to suddenly be happy now? I think it's important to recognize what is healthy and what isn't for you and your son and draw those healthy boundaries. To give and give and give to someone who takes and takes and takes... there will never be a balance. Healthy relationships are giving and receiving all the time. At the very least, we can give our gratitude. As much as it may hurt your sense of duty and obligation, I think it would be much healthier to take care of your own needs rather than keep giving to someone who never was and probably never will be satisfied with what you offer. I think that sometimes we just have to realize and accept the realities of life, and release the things that are toxic to our existence.

The very best of luck to you and your son.
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She is your mother in only the most basic biological sense. You sound like a very strong person considering having this horrible woman for a mother. I think you should sever yourself from her completely and forever. I understand that the phycology of this is complex. Would counseling help?
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Thanks to both answers. She has only been there 2 weeks. I dread going to see her. I think I will wait 2 weeks instead of one, this time. Would like to make it once /month. The least contact with her, the better.
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You have done more than your duty to your mom. Walk away and live your life. She's in a facility that can care for her. I'd change my phone number and let her live the rest of her life without manipulating you. Concentrate on your immediate family - your son.

If you can't do that, help her through the facility, without direct contact with her. I know others on this board do something similar with their narcissistic parents. You can still advocate for her, but not through direct contact.

Hugs to you - you don't deserve to give up your mental health to care for this woman who never cared for you.
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Hart, how long has your mom been at the AL facility? I would give her at least a few weeks to settle in.

Keep in touch with the professional staff about how she's adjusting.
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