My mother is 86 - mild dementia, otherwise good health. Much better than my own! After 5 years of incredible stress trying to make it possible for Mom to stay in her own home (a 2 & 1/2 hour drive from where I live with my husband), I took charge of Mom's financials, doctor visits, meds, etc.,..while also figuring out what to do with my younger brother who has mental deficiencies. Last summer I finally got all the ducks in a row and moved Mom to a great assisted living facility. I managed to make it happen in a way that she felt it was her own decision. At that point she felt it was a good decision. The home's a wonderful place that I wouldn't mind living in myself. I have dropped in many, many times and have never been disappointed with their care. Afterwards, I dealt with 40+ years of STUFF in the house and (with a little help from other siblings), got her house sold. That seemed to make Mom upset and she tells everyone "I guess I won't be living there again". I met with the V.A. and managed to get her signed up for the Aid & Attendance pension so she is all set. During this period of time, another brother who I loved most of all, died a horrible and fast death to cancer. While everyone else visited him, I couldn't because of Mom. I even missed the funeral & scattering of ashes. So I arranged a big dinner at a rented hall, making it possible for Mom to visit with old neighbors, church family, etc. while I took care of "business" and avoided the few family who refuse to speak to me because they think I did wrong by Mom. The financial burden has been tough. And - sometimes I found myself needing to stay overnight in Mom's old house, sorting through papers and stuff that reminded me of a childhood I'd rather forget. There's an oldest brother who Mom readily tells everyone is her "favorite" (1st kid) ... who sexually abused me. All those trips back and forth - lawyers, documents, doctors' records (amidst appointments), POA's, etc., finding out I now have diabetes too. All this and then discovering yesterday (for the 2nd time!!) that Mom's writing letters to family stating that "although they take good care of me here and I enjoy the music and activities, what I REALLY want is to live at my daughter's house. But I'll not ask. It wouldn't be fair to her husband". It makes me feel angry! The first time I spotted where she'd written that down, I just let it ride but it drove me crazy. This time I don't know what to do! Mom just wrote out a huge stack of Christmas cards to her entire address book. So how many others has she told this to?? These people don't know what all I've been through! And we TRIED having Mom live with us for a month - all she could do was complain and at the end of it, I had a minor break-down of mental and physical health. It breaks my heart that every time I visit her. On one hand she seems to enjoy it there... but there seems to always be something that I discover... something that will haunt me until the next visit. It makes me not want to visit her - which makes me so sad. I can't sleep, don't eat right, some days I never leave my bed. I find myself re-analysing the entire heart-wrenching decision. While still living at home, Mom had quite a few visitors but they didn't DO ANYTHING - it was all up to me. THEY think it was a hasty move. And hardly anybody visits her now. Or at least that's what SHE tells me. On this website, I read the checklist about when to know it's time to move your loved one...and it was like - yup, check, check... right down the list. I know without a doubt it was time... but now some members of my family won't speak to me because I moved Mom. They think we should've worked it out for her to stay in her home with help there. Then on top of that, the house itself was literally falling down around her, in disrepair. I started trying to get service people in there but it was racking up bills. Then I tried to hire home help for her - they didn't do what I requested and couldn't be relied on (one called me FOUR hours after she was supposed to show up!!). I could not see another answer. But every single day since moving Mom, I fret over it, feel judged and family members and friends have dropped me. While I've had a fair (unfair?) amount of stress in my life -2 betrayals/divorces, major health issues including a spinal injury, devastating losses of loved ones, major life-changing circumstances, etc.. NOTHING prepared me for the stress of this!!! Do I try to TALK to Mom about this letter-writing thing?? Or would that be pointless? Mom doesn't remember what all I've already done or that I'm the only one left who visits on a regular basis, keeps track of her supplies, shops for her, etc., etc., etc.!!! Or am I stuck with just trying to figure out a way to let it all go?