Mom's roommate is constantly discussing my mother's financial situation. How can I stop this? - AgingCare.com

Mom's roommate is constantly discussing my mother's financial situation. How can I stop this?

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My mom had a stroke and she is very narcissistic. She is also able to be manipulated VERY easily. She is paralyzed on half of her body, so she is in a full time nursing home (I visit with my kids every Sun). My mom's social security check covers the nursing home and we have an additional $7.00 left over for any other added expenses. I am really not kidding about this. I wish it was more. This usually gets eaten quickly in a month, and I spend MY money on other things that her check won't cover. (Candy - which started disappearing soon as the roommate moved in) (Special toothbrush that keeps going missing, and my mother needs a full mouth extraction...that medicaid/medicare does NOT cover) (Haircuts/Nailtrims) (Orajel for her teeth) (Cold sore medication) (Random prescription) You name it, I've had to shell out MY money for it.

This new roommate moved in about a month or so ago. She is a recovering drug addict. She seems fairly normal, until you step inside the room. I have had more conversations with this woman about how she is supposedly a pseudo-daughter to my mom, and how I should be spending ALL of my mom's extra money on things such as: pizza for all of the nurses, pizza for just the room, jimmy john's....etc. I have a feeling like she even ate the piece of homemade cake I made my mom for Mother's Day too. My usualy response is to explain or say: "I will look into it"

Most the time I try to explain my mom's financial situation, and that I will look into doing something nice for her. But, I had to stop even spending the $50.00 on candy for my mom as it was suddenly disappearing into probably the roommate's mouth. The roommate comes up with excuses for my reasons where the money went. "She hasn't had her hair done in a while." "She can get a free toothbrush" "She hasn't had candy in a really long time, I've never seen it!"

I'm tired of trying to talk to this woman about my mom's money! I just had to shell out $126.00 to a dentist for a dental appointment NOT covered. That is MY money. I am paying out of pocket for that. I work 3 jobs to try to support my family AND my mom's whims...but I've had it with this woman!!!

What can I do to get this to stop? It's none of her business how and where my mom's money is going. I've talked to some of the nurses and the social workers, but we are all in agreement that the roommate is good for my mom's loneliness. I am just angry at how this woman treats me, and how she thinks my mom has magical money floating around!

PS. This happens EVERY time I visit. She has said several times my mom should have $200 extra a MONTH. IN WHAT WORLD?!

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I have more then enough documented proof of all of her expenses, including copies of her social security check which is depositted into my mom's bank account for her. I make sure to document EVERYTHING. I knew that it was a cause for concern the day she had her stroke, so I made sure I keep documents and copies of everything on my computer. IF I were to be investigated, I would just print out the copies and it would be closed almost immediately. (And...my mother WOULD accuse me of this. Hence, I took the proper steps to ensure it would NEVER happen to me.)

My mother qualifies for Medicaid AND Medicare, however neither of those cover things like a full mouth extraction. Medicaid covers a lot of her prescriptions, but not things like cold sore medication - which is considered over the counter. NEITHER covers her dental issues. They DO cover a 6 month dental checkup, but not for xrays, pain medication in regards to her teeth from her dentist, nor actually removing the teeth. Her dentures will also come out of pocket (50% I was last quoted).

I have spoken at length with them and the nursing in regards to her teeth (hey, saving a few bucks for myself would be awesome!), but unfortunately in this state it is not covered at all. If I could save the money, I would. I have even considered moving her to another nursing home to try to save her even more money...but I have a feeling like that would be a major hassle.

Nursing home cost: $950.00, Social Security Check: $957.00. All with proof, via paper AND electronical.

Side note: The roommate pays $1500 to have a bed in the room, through her insurance. She also has a ton of money floating around, as she is always mentioning HER financial status.
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I join in and say you have no obligation to tell the roommate anything. She should leave you alone and let you visit with your mother. The roommate is being rude. Have you talked to the admin about your suspicions of the roommate taking things meant for your mother? You can't afford to be taking care of both of them. I suspect the roommate doesn't have a lot of social support based on her past history. No one wants to be around a drug addict. If the facility knows she was one and that your mother's candy and other things are mysteriously disappearing, maybe they will move the roommate out at the first opportunity. And I hope the roommate won't visit her new found friend too often! That could get expensive.

Does your mother qualify for Medicaid? That would take much of the burden off you. Medicaid will let your mother keep a few more dollars each month and would probably provide some of the services you are currently paying out of pocket.
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Whether out of ignorance or meanness, this roommate is out of control. I can only imagine your frustration. It's time to stop talking to her except to exchange hello. She is contributing to your mom's anxiety about money, which is none of her business. I wouldn't take it lightly your mom accusing you of stealing. That needs to get nipped in the bud ASAP because all it takes is one gripe session to be overheard or shared and you might be facing investigation. As I always say, as happened when my mom accused me, I was innocent but had to prove it and to protect myself, hired a lawyer. This cost me money and also hurt me deeply for my own mother to falsely accuse me of such a thing. I'm not saying your mom would do this on her own but how well do you know the roommate and what she is capable of?
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Jeanne is CORRECT. Just say NO. I would be furious and afraid for my Mother with a roommate like her. What a nutcase. Ignore and remind admin every day for another room for Mom. And tell the nutcase to mind her own business. :P xo
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Refuse to discuss these matters with the roommate. Just say No to requests. You have no obligation to explain or justify anything to her. "I'm sorry. I can't discuss my mother's private business with anyone else."

Take your Mom to the lounge or the patio or to an activity when you visit, so you are visiting with her without the roommate.

When you do bring a treat, it would be a nice gesture to bring something for the roommate, too. Or at least give it to your mother outside of the roommate's presence. Don't bring a month's worth -- you know where that will end up!
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I really am not exaggerating about the take out/deliveries either. Everytime I visit, the roommate is trying to convince me to have some sort of food delivered for my mom. Today it was Jimmy Johns. I've only seen the commercials for that, and I stated that I didn't know what it was nor did I think they allowed deliveries in the nursing home. The roommate immediately stepped in and was like: Well, they do! You need to get on it! As her daughter too, I demand that you do things like this for your mom!

I almost punched her in the face, that's how mad I was. Then, it was a 45min conversation with my mom about how the nursing home feeds her and I could get her a treat next week. But, mom isn't down for that if the roommate doesn't get something too!
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Unfortunately, neither the roommate nor my mother can be moved at this time. They are doing repairs in the building, and a lot of people have had to have roommates when they usually wouldn't. My mother is one of the ones without a roommate, but then the repairs started...and now she has one until they are done.

I didn't know drug addicts liked candy, I just assumed she was slowly eating it all. I'm really not kidding when I say 10 bags of candy went missing in less then a month, and I KNOW it's not the nurses. It never happened before the roommate existed. My mom would eat maybe ONE bag a month, and that was pushing it.

I have so far assumed the roommate is trying to manipulate my mother AND I into spending money on my mom, (money that doesn't exist) so that the roommate can get cool things...like take out. 1) The nursing home doesn't allow pizza deliveries, and 2) sometimes the roommate phrases things that makes me go..."that's not going to happen, honey".

I wouldn't be surprised if they discussed money when I wasn't around. My mother also likes to "go back in time". Sometimes she thinks I am 10 yrs old again, etc. So, sometimes she THINKS she has stuff...that she doesn't. I have explained over 1k times how she has ZERO money. Even the nursing staff knows her exact financial situation. Which is...I pay for the nursing home with social security, and any other bills are sent to me. For ME to pay.

I mean...a full mouth extraction costs $3,000, and just the initial dental appointment was $126. Where do these people think this money is coming from? I have tried to explain this to no end, but I'm frankly tired of arguing about it. Before the roommate, my mom understood that she really doesn't get much money. Now, with the roommate - the roommate is pretty much trying to get her to get ME to spend more money.

I think the roommate is trying to take advantage of the situation. I mean, comments about the cake I brought her. My husband is AD military (stationed in another state), and MADE that cake for me. I brought half of it to the nursing home to share with her. I showed up today for my visit, and the roommate said: "Oh, that horrible cake? Yeah, she ate it." Uh...how do you know it tasted horrible? I thought it tasted amazing. Did you eat it?

Just things that make me go...and how do you know?
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Insist on a move to another room and maybe no roommate. Make sure this person doesn't insinuate herself when mom moves. Must be blunt and forthright to this person.
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I wonder if your mother is talking to her roommate about this stuff. She may be the ammunition that is fueling the roommates questions. And it doesn't surprise me about the missing candy AND the recovering druggie. I thought candy/sweet stuff go hand in hand when you're on OR trying to get off drugs. Can you have your mother moved? Maybe a roommate that's more her age and in a similar situation?
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She has convinced my mom that this money exists SOMEWHERE, and I am stealing it. I am TIRED of it! I'm tired of arguing with my mom about it every visit too.
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