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Mom, 82, hemolytic anemia, stage 4 lymphoma (undergoing chemo now) and diabetic....... NOT in the best shape, but lives at home and has live in caregiver, of sorts.

Mom over draws her account every month and has for years, but has always had savings. I've tried to help her with this many many times. No interest. Since 2002 or so, she has been enamoured with her caregiver's SON. Now, in 2014, the 2 of them are joint POAs. For the past several years he has poisoned my mother against me.....not opinion, but fact.

My husband and I visited recently, (she adores him, and he let her know that we are happy to help her manage incoming and outgoing money...... but SON must have nothing to do with finances (as she has given him extraordinary amounts over the years, he takes as needed, etc). He has lost her money in failed businesses and has been unemployed for the majority of years I've known him. He's married, my age, BTW... As POA, he would have to agree to work with us, of course. Fat chance!

Next day Mom agreed and told SON same. He then proceeded to tell me that he had decided not to do it, despite me telling him that he was to act upon Mom's wishes, not the other way around.

Mom was unable to override her sweetie pie as she calls him. She cannot bear to go against him, tho I clearly explained in front of SON, his mother and Mom, that we will not help when he is allowing her money to be mishandled month after month. And where will HE find the extra money when needed? Medical deductibles? Tax payments?

Mom said that all she wants me to do is "love her". Can I really do that by sitting back and watching her CHOOSE him to take care of her?

Sorry for length. Not even sure what I'm asking for.......

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The investment firm will tell you Mom has to swear out a warrant and have the POA arrested before they will do anything. They don't get involved in family disputes.
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I checked with my accountant this morning, and he flatly stated that NO POA appointee has the right or ability to "cash in" an IRA belonging to another person. This applies to both a Roth IRA and a Traditional IRA.
Call/write to the investment firm who held the IRA, and demand closure as the beneficiary.
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Hey Jas,
Sorry I guess I 'assumed' that your mom had cognitive decline. Well as Felix Unger said when one assumes... I feel for ya, I just don't understand family dynamics sometimes, especially when there isn't cog decline.
Best of luck hope you find a resolution to the debacle soon.
Be well
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What Dorinda said. And I'd call 'sweetie pie' a s*** head loser to his face in front of his mother and mine, too. But that's just me.
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You all are soooo good and I appreciate the answers. I DID contact one other local TX atty (email) this morning, but BECAUSE she's not medically incompetent, and happy and willing to let SON manage her life, then unless I could PROVE there's abuse - my hands are tied.

I agree with everything and every aspect of what you all have said. APS, however, isn't concerned about the financial aspects - only the health and wellbeing of the "abused". And yes, small bottles of alcohol have been brought in as well - still not good for the diabetic. She's a sweetaholic, she can't control herself - so those that feed her addiction - ARE the abusers. Again, so many other horror stories I won't go into…..

I DO need to clarify something. When I say SON - I mean the Caregiver's SON, not my mom's! My brother has sort of washed his hands of the situation. It's my concern.

She'll NEVER go on Medicaid because she'll have her and Daddy's pension until she dies, plus her home. So even if A-Hole (is that clearer?!?) spends her monthly finances each month - it will keep coming in. For unpaid bills, debts, hey would have to sell the home (which I assume he doesn't want since it's willed to him AND HIS WIFE AND KIDS…(argh, and if he gets her into debt, upon her death it will still come out of his inheritance! So I would "think" he would want to do right.

She is now on her 4th round of chemo (yesterday), hopefully the last, but perhaps 2 more. I hope that she has more years to come that are peaceful and healthy. And the only way I can ensure that she's happy AT ALL, is to allow him to be in her life. He literally is the ONLY thing that lights up her face. It is very very sick. I just want to make sure that it's not at her expense - and I don't mean financial, in this instance.

Let's see what happens at the end of this month when the bills come in and her deductibles start showing up (which I tried to explain to them AND wanted to cover). He just wouldn't budge…….. It DOES make me cry…… She's my mom...
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She is being financially taken advantage of in your opinion. Report the financial abuse suspicions to APS. You say they have been in and don't see reason to come back...were those visits "in general" or specific to financial suspicions? If not, tell them this is the specific concern. If you disagree with the case workers opinion, appeal it to their supv.

Frankly, if mom is of sound mind and wants to give it all to sweetie pie or her son, then she has right to do so. If she changed POA from you or brother to sweetie pie recently, you could contest that possibly by alleging she was coerced, however, I suspect they are local and she has chosen to do so of her own free will even if it was a poor decision.

You will have to then let go and not rescue mom if she gets into financial trouble...she will just go on Medicaid. You can always explain to her about her finances, current state, and that if she continues giving it away, she will be on Medicaid and won't be able to remain at home or go to a "nice place" when the time comes. That may be a wake up call to her to at least start conserving her resources and stop letting these leeches bleed her.
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Legally they are committing what is called "fiduciary abuse" call adult protective services and tell them that the caregiver and son are committing elder abuse. That's undo influence over an elderly person. If you can't afford a lawyer to go to court you can I believe go to legal aide and ask them for legal advice. Also for kazzaa you can go to court as well and file for power of attorney on the basis that your mom has dementia and therefore does not have what they call "testamentary capacity" which means she doesn't know what she's doing. Basically you tell the courts that your mom can't control her finances.
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Jesus! And if she were suffering from liver disease would he bring her bottles of wine? Phewf.

Genuinely happy, is she, do you think? If she really is, and APS are smiling on the arrangements (bizarrely, but there you are) then as PS said, I suppose you do just have to accept that she's ploughed her own furrow. Horrible for you, I'm sorry.
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Yes I agree with Lynn have his POA revoked and contact elder protection services. I know how frustrating this is my mum is taking all her money out of her bank and her direct debits are not being paid but she has dementia and dosnt know what shes at. I as her cargiver can do nothing as i dont have POA nobody has as she refuses to get it. If she dosnt make me POA then I walk out of here the maincarer should always have POA but your brother does not have your mums welfare at heart just his own greed. So low when family abuse thier own parents.
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She may be competent but that doesn't mean she is invulnerable to being financially abused. Elder abuse is illegal, not to mention immoral. Do what you have to do because in the end ,you will never regret doing the right thing. Sometimes we have to love people enough to let them hate us. Hang in there and best of luck to you.
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Countrymouse, APS has been visiting for quite some time now.....ever since SON brought bags of candy in to Mom's room , told no one, where she proceeded to hide them under her bed and in
her closet. Caregiver didn't know where candy came from, other son didn't know.....process of elimination.....must be SON/POA.
To me, this was physical abuse as mom is severe diabetic, struggling thru other health issues.

Anyway, nothing could be "proved", but Mom is HAPPY and safer, really, than elsewhere.
APS has been showing up now for 5 mos and I believe they said there's no need to come back.

Thank you for ideas. I want Mom to stay at home as long as possible. But I think now it's up to her local family to do hands on care. My brother and me? Just love her and be on the other end of the phones.
So say I "at this moment!
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We had issues these issues, she is afraid of being alone, she cannot tell him(or anyone) no because it is a conflict of whatever pedestal she put him on, she only addresses the pedestal, which are idealistic thoughts at best, and not based on a conflicting reality, but some people live this way. I would contact social services, explain the circumstances and they can do the investigating, of course they are suppose to keep it confidential...
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I can relate to the post from Answer #1, because there's so much frustration involved, that you just feel like throwing your hands up in the air & walking away. However, I'm in total agreement with the post from Answer #2, which is the course of action I ensued. YOU DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO...to make sure your Mother is protected! You only have one Mother. Bottom line is, as long as she's on this earth, she's going to require help (emotionally & financially). And if all of her money is gone...SOMEBODY will have to step up to the plate to help her anyway, so you may as well try to put a stop to the negligent action, while you can.

I'll try to be brief. I, too, experienced a non-relative taking advantage of my Mother (who is 80 years old). Point blank, the person had been stealing her money. I discovered (late last year) that over a course of 3 years, this person has stolen close to $38,000. This person was so sneaky, they actually signed onto my Mother's bank accounts as a Joint Account Holder. I was instructed, legally, to obtain a POA to oversee my Mother's affairs, which I did, & I closed all of her bank accounts. The matter is now in the hands of Law Enforcement. I would not have been able to live with myself if I didn't do what I could to protect her. The only challenge you may encounter is that the individual in your matter, actually is the POA for your Mom. If you can gather evidence to support what you think is happening, that will go a very long way & then proceed the matter legally.

I won't lie, the process of gathering evidence; along with the day-to-day care & concern for your Mother is grueling, frustrating & for me, I cried a lot of days/nights...but I have peace in knowing I did the right thing.

Sorry for the long post and I wish you the best in your efforts.
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I know this sounds far fetched but contact AARP ..they have helped me out in the past and are a bottomless pit of resources and information.They have a 1-800 number listed on their web site.They have a consumer staff member,Ron Burley.Look him up on the web site, there is a form to fill out.If there is a solution,he will advise you..free of charge...good luck.Just call they are very nice and very helpful.
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If there is a "Protective Service for the Aging" or Agency for the Aging in your area (or nearby city) call them and they will have an inventory of her money which has to be accounted for.
Other than that, you truly need to wash your hands of this. It can only effect your health down the road and it's not worth it. Hugs
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Report the facts of the situation to APS. Number of years live-in caregiver has been there (is this a tenant we're talking about, actually?); number of years son has been involving himself; actual income and outgoing figures, as far as you can provide them; circumstances of the POA's being drawn up, who was appointed, which attorney handled the documentation; that sort of thing.

Fact that the SON poisoned your mother against you? Harder to demonstrate, I'd have thought: also not proof of financial impropriety. I should skip that bit. Get the rest over to APS and request an investigation. Meanwhile prepare a proposal for alternative arrangements for your mother's care. Best of luck.
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Dorinda, I've wanted to take legal action for many years for various reasons. But as many here will confirm.......2 things at play
1. She's competent, in full control of her decision on making faculties, even more so after receiving chemo and help for anemia.
2. Legal action would destroy any relationship that we DO have remaining. I'm in CA and she's in TX. Every PLEASANT moment is precious.

But when there is need for money, like who will pay to cut down the tree branches that are now breaking off from cold/ice? Would have been me, but now we'll see.......

Keep me STRONG people, but not PROUD....
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It appears that you care about your mom and it appears this "sweetie pie" is being malicious at best.
Call the clerk of the Supreme Court in your area and ask about a court appointed "conservator" or "mentor". It's called different things state to state. Pretty much what they do is observe the fiduciary duties of the POA and how they are acting as agent for your mom, the principal.
Your choice if you want to advise your mom and sweetie pie what you are about to do.
I assure you the court will be glad to help and the financials (from the past as well) will be under scrutiny. In some cases, if it appears that fraud was committed then there could be subsequent criminal charges filed if the courts deem.
Good luck, be well
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my dad found out i was beneficiary on moms ira and cashed it in with power of attorney in May 2013 mom died on July 2013 do i have any recourse. He will not let me in house and will not give me anything to remember her by
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If this were happening to my mom and I felt these people were financially abusing her, I'd go to court. I would not be able to sit by and watch outsiders take advantage of someone I love. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. But that's just me.
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Wash your hands of all the financial stuff. She knows darn well she is squandering her money on a fantasy. So be it. When she is broke, do not bail her out, do not take her in. Usually it's old men that engage is this sort of vicarious thrill. C'est La Vie.
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