Mom's POA / "sweetie pie" has convinced her not to let my husband and me help manage her monthly income. What can I do?

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Mom, 82, hemolytic anemia, stage 4 lymphoma (undergoing chemo now) and diabetic....... NOT in the best shape, but lives at home and has live in caregiver, of sorts.

Mom over draws her account every month and has for years, but has always had savings. I've tried to help her with this many many times. No interest. Since 2002 or so, she has been enamoured with her caregiver's SON. Now, in 2014, the 2 of them are joint POAs. For the past several years he has poisoned my mother against me.....not opinion, but fact.

My husband and I visited recently, (she adores him, and he let her know that we are happy to help her manage incoming and outgoing money...... but SON must have nothing to do with finances (as she has given him extraordinary amounts over the years, he takes as needed, etc). He has lost her money in failed businesses and has been unemployed for the majority of years I've known him. He's married, my age, BTW... As POA, he would have to agree to work with us, of course. Fat chance!

Next day Mom agreed and told SON same. He then proceeded to tell me that he had decided not to do it, despite me telling him that he was to act upon Mom's wishes, not the other way around.

Mom was unable to override her sweetie pie as she calls him. She cannot bear to go against him, tho I clearly explained in front of SON, his mother and Mom, that we will not help when he is allowing her money to be mishandled month after month. And where will HE find the extra money when needed? Medical deductibles? Tax payments?

Mom said that all she wants me to do is "love her". Can I really do that by sitting back and watching her CHOOSE him to take care of her?

Sorry for length. Not even sure what I'm asking for.......

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The investment firm will tell you Mom has to swear out a warrant and have the POA arrested before they will do anything. They don't get involved in family disputes.
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I checked with my accountant this morning, and he flatly stated that NO POA appointee has the right or ability to "cash in" an IRA belonging to another person. This applies to both a Roth IRA and a Traditional IRA.
Call/write to the investment firm who held the IRA, and demand closure as the beneficiary.
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Hey Jas,
Sorry I guess I 'assumed' that your mom had cognitive decline. Well as Felix Unger said when one assumes... I feel for ya, I just don't understand family dynamics sometimes, especially when there isn't cog decline.
Best of luck hope you find a resolution to the debacle soon.
Be well
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What Dorinda said. And I'd call 'sweetie pie' a s*** head loser to his face in front of his mother and mine, too. But that's just me.
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You all are soooo good and I appreciate the answers. I DID contact one other local TX atty (email) this morning, but BECAUSE she's not medically incompetent, and happy and willing to let SON manage her life, then unless I could PROVE there's abuse - my hands are tied.

I agree with everything and every aspect of what you all have said. APS, however, isn't concerned about the financial aspects - only the health and wellbeing of the "abused". And yes, small bottles of alcohol have been brought in as well - still not good for the diabetic. She's a sweetaholic, she can't control herself - so those that feed her addiction - ARE the abusers. Again, so many other horror stories I won't go into…..

I DO need to clarify something. When I say SON - I mean the Caregiver's SON, not my mom's! My brother has sort of washed his hands of the situation. It's my concern.

She'll NEVER go on Medicaid because she'll have her and Daddy's pension until she dies, plus her home. So even if A-Hole (is that clearer?!?) spends her monthly finances each month - it will keep coming in. For unpaid bills, debts, hey would have to sell the home (which I assume he doesn't want since it's willed to him AND HIS WIFE AND KIDS…(argh, and if he gets her into debt, upon her death it will still come out of his inheritance! So I would "think" he would want to do right.

She is now on her 4th round of chemo (yesterday), hopefully the last, but perhaps 2 more. I hope that she has more years to come that are peaceful and healthy. And the only way I can ensure that she's happy AT ALL, is to allow him to be in her life. He literally is the ONLY thing that lights up her face. It is very very sick. I just want to make sure that it's not at her expense - and I don't mean financial, in this instance.

Let's see what happens at the end of this month when the bills come in and her deductibles start showing up (which I tried to explain to them AND wanted to cover). He just wouldn't budge…….. It DOES make me cry…… She's my mom...
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She is being financially taken advantage of in your opinion. Report the financial abuse suspicions to APS. You say they have been in and don't see reason to come back...were those visits "in general" or specific to financial suspicions? If not, tell them this is the specific concern. If you disagree with the case workers opinion, appeal it to their supv.

Frankly, if mom is of sound mind and wants to give it all to sweetie pie or her son, then she has right to do so. If she changed POA from you or brother to sweetie pie recently, you could contest that possibly by alleging she was coerced, however, I suspect they are local and she has chosen to do so of her own free will even if it was a poor decision.

You will have to then let go and not rescue mom if she gets into financial trouble...she will just go on Medicaid. You can always explain to her about her finances, current state, and that if she continues giving it away, she will be on Medicaid and won't be able to remain at home or go to a "nice place" when the time comes. That may be a wake up call to her to at least start conserving her resources and stop letting these leeches bleed her.
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Legally they are committing what is called "fiduciary abuse" call adult protective services and tell them that the caregiver and son are committing elder abuse. That's undo influence over an elderly person. If you can't afford a lawyer to go to court you can I believe go to legal aide and ask them for legal advice. Also for kazzaa you can go to court as well and file for power of attorney on the basis that your mom has dementia and therefore does not have what they call "testamentary capacity" which means she doesn't know what she's doing. Basically you tell the courts that your mom can't control her finances.
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Jesus! And if she were suffering from liver disease would he bring her bottles of wine? Phewf.

Genuinely happy, is she, do you think? If she really is, and APS are smiling on the arrangements (bizarrely, but there you are) then as PS said, I suppose you do just have to accept that she's ploughed her own furrow. Horrible for you, I'm sorry.
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Yes I agree with Lynn have his POA revoked and contact elder protection services. I know how frustrating this is my mum is taking all her money out of her bank and her direct debits are not being paid but she has dementia and dosnt know what shes at. I as her cargiver can do nothing as i dont have POA nobody has as she refuses to get it. If she dosnt make me POA then I walk out of here the maincarer should always have POA but your brother does not have your mums welfare at heart just his own greed. So low when family abuse thier own parents.
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She may be competent but that doesn't mean she is invulnerable to being financially abused. Elder abuse is illegal, not to mention immoral. Do what you have to do because in the end ,you will never regret doing the right thing. Sometimes we have to love people enough to let them hate us. Hang in there and best of luck to you.
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