My Mom's personality has changed drastically. What do we do? - AgingCare.com

My Mom's personality has changed drastically. What do we do?

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This year she has begun swearing and ywllinf. Her anger is always directed towards my husband. He can't join a conversation that she doesn't roll her eyes and start arguing no matter what the subject. She had her storage unit emptied into our garage. It is so full of her boxes that it can not be used anymore but she won't go through her things claiming we want her to give them all up. My husband bought me a set of pans last christmas and she got furious because he didn't ask her first. He offered to open doors for her and she snaps off at him. She also threatens to call the police if he touches her boxes and a day later asks him to bring some inside. It is hurting my husband greatly. She gets mad if he joins a conversation but thinks nothing of listening to he and I talking and making comments from down the hall. I can't stand this anymore. She taught me to be polite to others and she can't even be civil anymore. What am I to do. She is trying to chase my husband away and I don't know what more he can do. Suggestions? Is this the onset of dementia? Her doctor has asked that I accompany her on all visits because she doesn't answer questions and forgets why she's there. She is still sweet to all others but my husband and he's the one that helps her whenever she needs it. He's the one that drives her to all appointments and shopping when she wants and then she cries that he doesn't like her. Any ideas.

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Thank you all for you suggestions and comments. Mom's been nice for a couple of days. She acts like nothing ever happened. Oh well. Kind of down today but I really do appreciate this site and the wonderful people on it.
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Short answer yes, this is dementia. Her judgement is very impaired and she is very perseverative. Is there a chance she associates your husband with her husband and there was a negative history there? I don't know how much it would help to understand where it all might be coming from, maybe just to the extent if you could put a finger on it, that would remove any and all doubt in anyone's mind that it is not your hubby's fault.

One option you have is to suggest to her that you have noticed how much she dislikes your husband and it must be awful for her to share the home with him, and since it would NOT be possible for him to move out, that it would possibly be better for her to move out. Sometimes even in the fog of dementia a person can realize that a limit is being set...it depends on a lot of things. If she grasps the message that her overt unhappiness will result in something she does not want, rather than the message that she can let loose with anything and everything, she may at least tone it down a little.

But the bottom line is - with all the creative thinking and acknowledging you can do, if it comes down to having to choose what's best for you and your husband vs what's best for Mom, choose your marriage.
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I think step one is to reassure your husband that none of this is his fault. He knows that, but he needs to hear repeatedly that you know that too.

It's not your mother's fault, either. She has lost her mind. I hope this stage passes and you get to see the original version again. This is horrible for everyone - agree with above suggestions for exploration. Hug.
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jennieb, sometime elders target one or two people for all their venom. It sounds like your husband is the lucky person in this case. IMO, your first duty is to your husband and making sure his home is a place where he can be comfortable and happy. If your mother is not going to be hospitable, it sounds like she needs to find other accommodations. From what you wrote, she could be around a lot longer and you don't want to put your husband's happiness on hold for years. If your mother doesn't like your husband, she may be happier elsewhere, too.
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This is moderate to late dementia and should be addressed by a doctor as soon as possible. You really do need to be going along on the office visits and I would suspect it is time for Mom to go to a Memory Care facility. It is not safe to keep her at home, soon she will wander off and may attempt to get out of a moving vehicle.
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