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She's making herself the victim. Several months ago, my father (82) had a seizure while driving my mother. It was largely due to a meningioma which was subsequently removed. He needed over 100 days in a rehab facility to regain the ability to walk. He still needs a walker and has difficulty standing up from a sitting position and needs to wear a diaper. He is now back at home with my mother (76) who is having a very difficult time adjusting. She has never been diagnosed but I think she is OCD and while she is doing what she needs to care for my father she is constantly yelling at him that he probably belongs in a facility and is, in no way encouraging, when it comes to his recovery. Her concerns for the disorder in the house almost equal and sometimes outweigh her concerns for my father. He is a very stubborn man and does try to do more than he should which does not help matters. My two siblings and I are doing everything we can to try to keep the peace but it is not a good situation. Any suggestions? Can give more details if needed.

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Thanks for all of the great input and advice!!
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Your poor parents! I'm not sure which I sympathise with more.

How well do you think your mother understands your father's rehabilitation process? Would there be a possibility, for example, of getting a physical therapist in to work with both of them on his balance? I just wonder if she might find his comparative disability less frustrating if she were more closely involved in the recovery.

Of course he is the one who is really suffering, but that doesn't make the impact on her way of life any less - I don't think she can be blamed for hating the way everything she's been used to has been upended. It's a question of finding a way to stop her taking it out on him.

I agree that assistance with his care ought to be arranged if possible, but I get the impression that what she's finding really hard to adjust to is not so much the extra work itself as the change in him, would you say? It must be very rough on all of you.
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I agree with all of the above. But really, get mom to a psychiatrist to evaluate the anxiety and perhaps depression. It's making matters worse.

At 76, mom does not have the physical stamina to be a nurse to your dad. Incontinence is a sign for many caregivers that spells "time for a facility". I'm a little concerned at your characterization of your mom as someone who is making herself out to be the victim. She's clearly having a hard time with this and perhaps deserves more care than SHE'S currently getting.
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I have to agree with your mom that your dad belongs in a care facility. She cannot do the work of a staff of nurses, aides and cooks and custodians. If she has not been an nurse or similar, she would not know how to care for him. Plus, how can she do all of the work 24 hours a day?
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Get the MD to order at least a bath aide to take the burden off of mom. At her age this is way more than she can physically handle.
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Bringing the doctor(s) in is a great idea. We will definitely all be getting together to discuss at some point and, you are correct, that at some point we may need to be a little more aggressive in our suggestions. My mother was okay during his time in the rehab facility. She'd visit him every day and her biggest anxiety was that they'd release him before he was really ready. Thanks for the response.
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Some folks are just not caregivers for whatever reason. I think you and your siblings have to weigh what is best for the two of them right now. Was Mom okay when Dad was in rehab for those 3+ months?

It is not easy making tough decisions for our parents. Have you and siblings sit down to talk with your parents about the future and what their thoughts are? She might be more accepting of outside help if their doctor tells them is it necessary now. Doc can recommend in home service providers; who will come out to evaluate what services are needed. At the very least, it sounds like time to look into assisted living facilities.

When was the last time Mom was evaluated by her doctor? There could be issues there that now need attention. Best of luck!
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That would be a great option but she gets even more anxious at the idea of outsiders coming into the house. It would unfortunately cause her more anxiety which would defeat much of the purpose. My cousin (their niece) does live there and is able to help here and there though she works during the day. It offers some relief but they are still at each other's throats much of the time. Thanks so much for the response.
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Could it be that the responsibility of caring for your dad is too much on your mom? What if you hired some in-home help to come in and relieve your mom? She could spend that time napping in her room or if she drives she could go visit someone. It sounds like she needs to get away.
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